The Value of a Regular Relationship Check-In

You and your partner may talk easily about things. You share the events of your day. You talk about how the kids are doing in school. Maybe you have political discussions or share about the books you're reading. But when it comes to sharing about how much or how little each of you is enjoying your relationship, what triggers you, and what you deeply yearn for, you might find yourself avoiding these topics.

You have likely had many experiences in which hearing someone’s dissatisfaction is accompanied by blame, shame, criticism, and analyses of why you are failing, as well as demands for change. It’s not surprising then that you are not eager to check in with your partner about their level of satisfaction in the relationship. Conversely, celebrating out loud what you most value or enjoy in the relationship may feel vulnerable, especially if you are unsure whether your partner is on the same wavelength. And most of us have been conditioned to think that vulnerability means danger, so you might avoid that conversation too, or downplay your gratitude towards your partner in an effort to “stay safe.”

Unfortunately, by not checking in, you miss out on opportunities to adjust the way you relate little by little as you go, not to mention getting to know each other more fully and deeply, and understanding how to contribute to each other’s well-being. As a result, change or progress in the relationship often has to come as the aftermath of big emotional storms that have been building over time. This is a painful way to grow and change in your relationship and can eventually exhaust your inner resources to keep the relationship going.

You can make a relationship check in safer by adding more structure and making clear requests. Here are some ideas for structure and specific requests that will make it easier and safer to check in regularly about your relationship:

1. Check-in regularly and when things are going well. Ritualize your check-in. Set a specific time each week when you are usually relaxed and rested. Create a supportive sacred space for being together. Make use of ritual cues like a special tea to drink, lighting candles or incense, having special chairs or cushions, etc. Perhaps build the check-in into a longer, fun activity (for example making it the start of a movie or dinner night). If you only do a relationship check-in when you sense there is a problem, you are heading toward the emotional storm I mentioned above and one or both of you will start wanting to avoid checking in for fear of the storm.  

2. Agree that any expression of dissatisfaction will be tied to the relevant universal need and followed by an idea or request that would lead to more satisfaction. Let’s imagine that you say you're not satisfied with the amount of affection that is shared in your relationship. Rather than long hours of processing about why there isn't more affection, simply state the need for affection and make a clear, specific and doable request that would meet that need. For example: “I am missing affection with you, could we cuddle and watch a movie tonight?” I can’t emphasize enough how important this is. When something is painful, your mind wants to analyze the past and figure out exactly what went wrong in hopes of preventing future pain. This might be helpful later, but in the moment it is disconnecting and usually leads to criticizing, blaming, and defending; in other words, more pain. When something is painful or missing, move directly toward what you want (as opposed to what you don't want) with collaboration and concrete action. If your feelings are so intense that you can't imagine doing that just now, you probably need to be heard by an empathic other or offer yourself self-empathy first.

3. Check-ins that are specific lead to specific and doable action. Questions like: “Are you happy with me?” are vague and will result in vague generalizations, which may be triggering in themselves and make it very difficult to figure out how to make things better. Check in with specific questions that address particular needs in a specific way. Here are a few examples:

• “Are you feeling as connected with me as you want to right now? If not, what could we do right now to create more connection?”

• “As we talk about moving, do you have a sense that your needs are being considered? If not, what's one thing I could do to give you a greater sense of consideration?”

• “I remember you saying that ‘play’ is one of your most important needs to have met in our relationship. In this last month, are we playing as much as you want? If not, could we brainstorm ideas to bring more ‘play’ into our life together?”

Also, when things are going well, make sure to celebrate how connected, in love, happy, secure, and alive you feel in your partnership. Try to be as specific and clear about what meets your needs as you are when naming aspects you are less satisfied with. The specificity will be a gift to your partner, offering them clear strategies to contribute to your needs and well-being in the future. The practice of celebrating together not only creates emotional resilience in your relationship, it also helps you to associate positive feelings with a relationship check-in and thereby increase the chances of you continuing to check in and grow your relationship together in a harmonious and safe manner.  

Lastly, relationship check-ins are just as much about how the two of you might stretch to meet each other as they are about you taking care of yourself. For example, if you are missing companionship in your life, you might invite your partner for a hike on Saturday and you also might get in touch with friends to set up get-togethers. Checking in with your partner might help you distinguish better whether this is a need you are both willing and able to meet together or whether you might want to “outsource” this one. A relationship check-in isn’t meant to make sure that all your needs are being met in the relationship. It’s meant to help you discern which needs you would like to meet with each other and whether or not you are doing that to the extent you would like. It also hopefully supports you in maintaining a sense of your individuality and freedom to meet needs outside the relationship in a way that doesn’t cost the needs of your partner, relationship or family.

Practice

Start your relationship check-in right now by checking in with yourself. Here are some reflection questions that might help:  

• Am I neglecting any of my own needs because I am imagining they can’t be met as long as I am in this relationship? If yes, where can I find support to get creative about meeting these needs?

• Have I shared with my partner which 2 or 3 needs I would most like met with them?

• Do I know which needs are most important to my partner? Do I know if they are satisfied with the extent to which these needs are met?

• What am I celebrating about our relationship right now?