What is

Mindful Compassionate Dialogue was born from a deep grounding in Mindfulness, Hakomi (body centered therapy), and Compassionate Communication (also called Nonviolent Communication - NVC). It is a framework and system founded by Wise Heart.

Let's look at the three disciplines contained in MCD:

Compassionate Communication, also called Nonviolent Communication (NVC) 

NVC was founded by Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960’s. For more history and resources on NVC see the Center for Nonviolent Communication:  https://www.cnvc.org/

The purpose of NVC is to create a quality of connection that inspires a natural giving from the heart. The premise of this work is that our natural state is one of compassion and connection, even though our experience of life isn’t always compassionate or connected. At the center of NVC is the concept of universal needs. MCD Relies heavily on this concept. This is the proposal that all human beings have the same needs that they are working to nourish and be integrity with as they go through life. Coming from a deep respect for diversity we can embrace this concept of universal needs, while honoring that every person, family, and culture has a very different relationship to how those needs are met, talked about, and related to. 

When you hear the word “need” you might associate it with an idea of lack, weakness, or neediness.  In MCD, relating to needs is about a deep sense of self-responsibility and contributing to thriving for yourself and other living beings. Universal needs are the guidebook for your life. Here’s a very simple example. When you’re thirsty you connect with the need for water and get yourself a drink. Listening to your need and taking action from it, you contribute to your own well-being which in turn makes you more available to contribute to others.

In NVC, Marshall names particular forms of communication that reliably move us away from compassion and connection.  These include expressions of judgments, diagnoses, analyses, should’s, and the three “D’s”(demands, deserve, and denial of responsibility). 

Any of these expressions can get confused for honesty. For example, you might say something like this, "I just have to be honest with myself. I am a hot-tempered person." While there may be moments when you are hot-tempered, this judgment doesn’t open up a way forward toward compassion and connection. It also doesn’t reflect the truth that hot-temperedness is something that comes and goes; it is not who you are.

Overall, life-alienating language is characterized by attempts to push reality into static boxes of what should and shouldn’t be, what is right or wrong, what people are or are not. Life-alienating language also tends to point away from the life of the present moment toward the world of ideas and analyses, of past causalities, or ideas of what should be in the future.  

NVC helps to create life-connecting consciousness and communication by engaging the thinking and language that reflects the constantly changing flow of aliveness. In NVC consciousness, the intention is to continually connect to what is alive in the present moment.  From a place grounded in universal needs, compassion, and acceptance of what’s true, you can take wise and compassionate action.  

NVC proposes three basic modes of relating to experience: receiving with empathy, engaging in self-empathy, and expressing with honesty. When you are listening with empathy, you are listening for the speaker’s experience, especially feelings and needs, regardless of the words they are using. You remember that everything anyone ever says or does is an attempt to meet or be in harmony with universal needs. People are only saying two things:  Please or thank you.  Learning to listen with empathy makes life a lot easier. You find that where you once heard criticisms or attacks you now hear someone expressing their feelings and needs. Even as you listen and help guess someone's feelings and needs that doesn't make you responsible for them. Empathy requires clear boundaries.

When you turn empathy toward yourself you learn to hear your own inner voices of doubt, judgment, and criticism as expressions of feelings and needs. With self-empathy, you can find relief from the pain of self-criticism.  Connecting compassionately with your experience is the practice of self-empathy and supports agency and empowerment.

NVC honest expression means you are choosing words that reveal the contents of your experience in a self-responsible way. You are able to make five basic distinctions in experience and your communication reflects this understanding:

1.  Neutral Observations vs. Interpretations (or other types of thought)

You distinguish what actually happened from your interpretations of an event.  That is, you are able to articulate a neutral observation.  A neutral observation includes only what a camera could record.

2.  Feelings arise from Universal Needs

In NVC feelings are important messengers letting you know about universal needs met or unmet.  Naming and expressing feelings in a responsible way also contributes to shared vulnerability and connection.  NVC syntax reflects this understanding and responsibility around feelings by connecting the feeling to the need (rather than the behavior of another) and placing both within the context of a neutral observation and a specific do-able request.

3.  Feelings vs. Interpretations

Building a feelings vocabulary helps you know the difference between feelings and interpretations. For example, you learn that there are many words that get used as feelings, but are actually interpretations of what you think someone is doing to you.  For example, when you say I feel "rejected" you are interpreting that someone is pushing you away out of dislike. While this may or may not be true, it’s not the end of the story.  When you interpret someone’s behavior in this way, feelings and needs immediately come up for you; perhaps feelings of hurt and disappointment and needs for acceptance and companionship.  You can find a list of common words that are used as feelings but are actually interpretations here.

4.  Universal Needs vs. the Strategies to Meet Them

Learning the list of universal needs creates space for creativity, flexibility, and compassion.  When you confuse universal needs with the strategies to meet them, you can easily become stuck. Problems and arguments become unsolvable.  Connecting with the universal need opens the door for many strategies to meet that need.  Phrases like, "He needs to control everything," reveal a common confusion between a strategy and a need.  Control is not a universal need.  Control is a strategy, a pretty popular one, to meet needs, perhaps for safety, predictability, or acceptance.  All humans have the same needs and it is these universal needs that motivate behavior and help us find our shared humanity.

5.  Requests vs.  Demands or Vague Wishes

Lastly, in NVC you learn to express requests that are specific, do-able, and connected to needs rather than vague invitations or demands. For example, "I need predictability in our work together. Would you be willing to let me know a day in advance if you won't attend the meetings on Fridays?" states a need and a specific request. "Be more considerate" implies a need and doesn’t make a specific request.  “Be there, or else!” is a demand.

As a teaching device, Marshall Rosenberg chose two metaphors.  He chose giraffe to represent life connecting consciousness and language and jackal to represent life alienating consciousness and language.  You may see and hear these metaphors if you attend NVC trainings.

The most important thing to remember about NVC consciousness is that it is about creating connection by listening and speaking from the heart.

You can let go of tragic strategies of compromise, giving in, and making demands. By naming and expressing universal needs in this self-responsible framework, you open the door to creative negotiation in which everyone's needs can be met.  This might seem unlikely now.  You might be saying, "Yeah but, needs are sometimes in conflict and one person just has to be flexible."  From the framework of NVC, needs are never in conflict.  Conflict happens around the strategies to meet needs.  When you imagine your need can only be met at a certain time, with a certain person, and in a certain way, you will likely find yourself in conflict.  However, if you can separate your need from the strategy, you open space for new and creative ways to meet your needs.