Steps for Resolving Inner Conflict
Being caught in inner conflict can seem like a chaotic tumult of thoughts, desires, and needs. You go back and forth over a decision and feel anxious and tense about the lack of resolution. You go over the costs and benefits dozens of times, but you don't get any closer to making a decision. One minute you think you've settled on something, and the next you’re taking a step backwards and reconsidering. It's frustrating and drains your energy. And once a sense of urgency invades you, you sometimes find yourself choosing one option over the other without being convinced, and later wondering if that was in fact the “right” decision.
It doesn't have to be this way! You can approach inner conflict in a whole new way that consistently leads to resolution, without the excruciating back-and-forths.
You can begin to learn this new approach by looking at three things that might be getting in your way, and specific skills to dissolve these obstacles.
The three most common obstacles are:
You imagine that one part of you must be “right” and the other must be “wrong.” If only you knew which was which, you would have resolution.
You have bias or prejudice against certain parts of yourself and so don’t really listen deeply to those parts, or you try to “force” them to agree with another part.
Some part of you imagines that you can’t handle the amount of emotion that would come up if you delve more deeply into it, or simply allow yourself to feel what's happening.
Let's take these one at a time:
1. Move from right / wrong perspective to identifying universal needs
You likely have been exposed to the concept of win-win, but really knowing how to get there inside yourself isn't so easy. A lot of the world operates from a right / wrong perspective, so it's no wonder you find yourself doing that on the inside. To move out of the right / wrong perspective, remind yourself that each arguing part of you is attempting to bring your attention to a particular set of universal needs. As an example, let's say I am torn about whether to launch a new course offering or not. A part of me is really excited about launching a new offering. This part hopes to meet needs for meaning and contribution. Another part of me resists the idea. It says that my schedule is already packed and I already don't rest or share quality time with my family as much as I’d like. This part needs rest, play, and family.
You can listen to each part of you, or aspect of a conflict in this way:
Name the needs present for each part.
Sit quietly with all needs without thinking of strategies to meet them. Focus on the felt-sense of each need.
From this place of honoring all your needs equally, ask the question: "What can I do so that all of these needs are cared for?"
2. Shift inner bias by reclaiming exiled needs
The second obstacle, bias against certain parts of yourself, is really bias against particular needs. Usually this traces back to childhood and years of conditioning. In childhood, you might have attempted to cope with pain or limitations by sending particular needs “into exile.” You might have focused only on the needs that were “allowed” in your family and community.
Going back to my example, I notice that it's more difficult for me to allow and attend to my needs for rest and spaciousness. These needs were associated with shame and punishment in my family. Thus, it takes a more clear intention and commitment to care for them. Tending to needs for meaning and contribution, on the other hand, was often rewarded. Attention habitually goes to tending these needs.
As you reclaim exiled needs, you might experience anxiety or a sense of threat. Assuming you live in a safe supportive environment now, these reactions are left over from another time. If you meet them with loving reassurance and mindfulness, they will eventually dissolve. If you´re not sure how to go about this or the very thought of it triggers panic, you might want to practice first with an empathic other.
Once you find willingness in yourself to honor and reclaim exiled needs, you might want to ask yourself: “What baby step could I take now to honor a particular need that was previously exiled?” Starting small will trigger less anxiety and enable you to slowly build from there.
In the long term, you will find that when you honor all your needs equally, inner peace and harmony become more accessible.
3. Gain the confidence to regulate emotions
Unexamined habits of heart and mind keep you trapped in the past. For example, without adequate support to regulate intense emotions, you likely formed habits of shutting down or avoiding. Most of us didn’t have someone who could offer empathy, teach us how to regulate emotion, and go into a wise relationship with it. Without this support, it is common to unconsciously turn away from emotion and tighten around it.
When these habits play out in your current life, you imagine limitations. You may now have a number of resources and skills to meet emotion, but still don't allow it out of habit. This means you will skim the surface of an inner conflict which prevents moving through it to resolution. When you are ready, here are some ways of opening the door to allow yourself feel emotions as they arise:
Set an intention by saying something like: “I am strong enough to feel my feelings. I can trust myself to remain mindful in the midst of big emotions. It's okay to feel what's there.”
When feeling relatively centered, place your attention on a particular feeling and seek to know it more fully. You might ask yourself the following:
“What kind of feeling is this (e.g., hurt, fear, sadness, excitement, despair, etc.)?”
“In what part of my body do I feel this feeling?”
“Is it on the surface of my body or does it reside more deeply?”
“Is there a shape to this feeling?”
“Is there an image or memory that is coming up with this feeling?”
It may help to journal, talk out loud or ask an empathetic other to accompany you to make this exploration feel safer and enable you to go deeper. Starting with low-intensity feelings from a place of centeredness will also help you build the confidence that you do have the ability to receive your feelings.
As you feel your feelings, shuttle back and forth from the feeling to the universal needs that go with it. As an easy example, fear and related emotions usually tie in to the needs for safety and security (among others). This shuttling back and forth is a very important piece. Habit energy will take you from the feeling to a mental story (thoughts, judgments) about what it means. If you don't interrupt this habit by moving your attention to needs, you might get lost in a swirl of reactivity and reinforce the old story that you can't handle emotion.
Once you have landed fully in feelings and needs, you will experience a natural shift towards actions and requests to meet those needs. You may find this happens immediately, or it could take a few days for new ideas and strategies to bubble up. Allow yourself to be in and follow the energy of universal needs.
Taking wise action to resolve an inner conflict requires your loving and focused attention and a willingness to look at different parts of yourself from a new perspective with compassion. This means setting time aside for reflection and/or receiving empathy from a trusted friend. Wisdom and love are there for you—with patience and skillfulness you will be able to open the door to them.
Practice
Set aside at least a half hour now in your calendar to reflect on an inner conflict using the three skills listed above. Invite yourself to set all judgments aside for that time and to be open and curious around what you might discover. You might be surprised!