Help for the Tender Need of Inclusion
You are looking forward to meeting your friend for a relaxed run and good conversation. You show up and see that she has brought another friend. You tell yourself you should be happy to include others and so, you act like it's fine. The two of them start running at a pace that’s a bit fast for you and begin talking about a project on which they are working.
A sudden grumpiness comes over you and you start thinking how your body isn't up for this and ask yourself why you are even there. You hear yourself thinking: "I shouldn't be upset," "I should be fine to switch to a different running pace. It's no big deal." "I like this other friend; I should be happy to see her." "I shouldn't be such a baby." "I should be flexible." This cascade of “should” thoughts prevents you from noticing the desire to be included.
Knowing that you're equally included, loved, and accepted is pretty basic to a sense of well-being. If integrating this understanding didn't happen for you growing up, then you likely find your sense of inclusion to be a tenuous thing. Given this kind of wounding, most people choose one or two basic strategies to try to “earn” inclusion and to lessen the pain of exclusion. The first we could call industrious or over-achieving and the second we could call intensifying or dazzling.
Tragic strategy: Industrious or over-achieving
If you grew up in a family or community in which positive attention was given primarily when you demonstrated some special skill or ability or achieved something they considered superior, you might have adopted the strategy of focusing on achievement or working hard to the exclusion of caring for other needs.
Though you couldn't articulate it as a four-year old, the message you got was something like: "You must earn my love and attention." If you find yourself caught up in the over-achieving strategy, you might notice that it's difficult for you to take time off, to relax, to enjoy the present moment, and that you are constantly looking towards the next project subconsciously hoping to earn unconditional love.
Tragic strategy: Intensifying or dazzling
On the other hand, if your family or community seemed to offer more attention when you were in crisis, experiencing intense emotion, or dazzled them with your appearance or entertaining talents, you might have developed another strategy to win attention. You might have developed the habit of intensifying emotion and presenting yourself in an exceptionally beautiful or engaging way. If you adopted this strategy, you might often hear that you are being over-dramatic. But of course, it doesn't feel that way to you, because the expression of volatility has become so habitual, it seems unavoidable and an authentic part of who you are. Behind this unconscious strategy, there is a limiting belief that sounds something like this: “If I don’t scream or present myself in an extra special way, I won't get noticed, no one will see me nor pay any attention to me.”
Interspersed with these two primary strategies of pursuing achievement or intensifying, you might try to avoid the pain of being excluded by excluding yourself first. This might include: leaving a gathering early, shutting down internally, refusing invitations to join with others or isolating yourself based on the assumption that you aren't really “wanted.” All of these, of course, act as self-fulfilling prophecies.
Engaging any of these strategies blocks you from hearing the basic message that you so desperately need to integrate which is that love and acceptance is your birthright. And though, as a child you didn't have the skills and power to realize and proclaim this, you can do that now with the support of people who care about you.
It starts with being able to notice when you go into the wounded trance of "I am excluded." You can listen for things this trance state likes to say, such as: "What am I even doing here?!" "Those just aren't my kind of people." "I need to get going, I have things to do." "I can't afford to waste my time." "I just don't belong with this group." "They don't like me." “They are not at my level, I am beyond them.”
You can also watch for impulses to leave a gathering prematurely, to brag about your achievements, to work harder, or intensify emotion by repeating a particular story to yourself.
When you catch yourself in one of these unconscious strategies, start by pausing and offering yourself compassion. This means offering a sense of care and warmth for the parts of you in pain or fear. You can do this with self-soothing touch or by talking to these parts of yourself. Remind yourself that these tragic strategies were designed to protect and support you when you were young and had very few tools in your toolbox.
You can then do things in the moment to break out of the trance and move towards a confidence that you are included and welcome. In the example above about running, going on the assumption that you are included, you might have asked for a slower pace and to talk about something the three of you have in common. When reactivity isn’t present, you naturally find ways to include yourself and connect with others.
Of course, going on the assumption that you are accepted and welcome is where all the work is. Although this is a subtle and complex healing path, a few basic practices can be helpful. Underlying all of these practices that follow is, of course, a sense of compassion for yourself.
Allow others to support you at times when you think you have failed
Let go of working to achieve or create something in particular groups or situations
Practice relaxing and savoring the moment, starting with small pleasures like a sunset, a hug or a square of chocolate
Allow yourself to follow rather than lead
Ask others to express how you are important to them
Give others an opportunity to love you when you are not doing, being, or looking special any way
Choose to be with groups that have the emotional capacity to directly express caring and affection and stay present for difficulty
Focus on how you are similar to others rather than different
Internally repeat to yourself that you are accepted, welcomed, or included when you are feeling anxious about it
Invite yourself to stay engaged even when you have the impulse to leave or shut down
Act as if you know people want you there, even when you are afraid they don’t
Help to create a sense of inclusion for others
Practice
Take a moment now and notice if there is any particular situation in your life where the exclusion trance comes up in an obvious way. Choose one or two of the above practices to try out the next time you are in that situation. If that feels impossible just now, you might want to practice it in advance: through visualization, reenactment or journaling about a situation, noticing where you might pause and make a different choice than your habitual one to help you come out of the trance.