Practice Managing Reactivity: Skill 5
Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 6: Managing Reactivity, see Skill 1: Engage an “anchor” or any regulation strategy when you notice reactivity, Skill 2: Identify at least three interpersonal de-escalation strategies, Skill 3: Shift to empathy, self-empathy, or honesty the moment reactivity is identified, and Skill 4: Name the differences between useful feedback regarding unmet needs, and blame or judgment.
Skill 5: Engage in healing experiences related to tender needs
Here you can find a list of the most common tender needs and a list of potential healing responses:
Support & Nurturing
Affirm support
It’s okay to let it in
You can get what you need
I am here to support you
There is enough
I’m not going anywhere
I am committed to this relationship
Affirm collaboration & the expression of needs
There is space for your needs
It’s okay to have needs.
You can trust me to be here
Your needs matter
You don’t have to do it alone
You can count on me
Safety & Belonging
Affirm feelings and a positive sense of self
It’s okay to feel what you feel
It’s safe to be vulnerable
You’re good
There is nothing wrong with you
It’s okay to feel nervous right now
I don’t need you to keep it all together
Affirm safety and belonging
I’m glad you are here
You belong
These folks are really friendly
You’re safe
You fit in well here
It’s okay to relax, you don’t have to stay vigilant
People like you here
Autonomy & Mutuality
Affirm Autonomy/choice
This is really a request not a demand
It’s okay to say no, I won’t be upset with you
You are free to be who you are
You can be yourself and still have me
I respect your autonomy
Take all the time you want to decide
Affirm Fairness & Mutuality
Your needs matter
Let’s make sure it’s right for both of us
I want to hear what you want
Mutuality is important to me
What seems fair to you?
I support your autonomy
Authenticity & Intimacy
Affirm vulnerability
I’d be hurting if that happened to me
Most people would find that painful
Yeah, it’s a tender situation
It makes sense that that would be upsetting
Your feelings and needs are welcome here
I won’t betray you
It’s okay to lean on me
You can be close and still be fully you
Offer support for authenticity
It’s okay to be you
It’s okay to take care of yourself
You can be real with me
You don’t have to please or impress me
It’s okay to disagree
I accept you as you are
Take your time to see what’s really true for you
We can do this together, you don’t have to be in charge
Recognition, Acceptance & Being Seen/Heard
Affirm lovability
You are loveable the way you are
It’s okay to make mistakes
You’re enough
You are worthy
I see your big heart
I know you are doing your best
I enjoy being with you
Offer unconditional recognition
You have my attention without having to do anything
There is nothing you have to do for me to love you
It’s okay to relax
I am here and I see you
I want to hear and understand you
You don’t have to earn my love
You are included
Practice
This exercise is meant to be done with a study buddy and focuses particularly on family of origin:
Healing Tender Needs for Family of Origin
For every role in your family there are archetypal behaviors that contribute to a thriving family. There are particular needs or experiences you would hope to have in each of these relationships. For example, the ideal needs met or experiences for you in each relationship might be:
Yin Parent: care, nurturing, emotional security,
Yang Parent: protection, seen/heard, discovery, mentoring, leadership, autonomy
Older Sibling: mentoring, care, play, companionship, protection
Younger Sibling: meaning, purpose, responsibility, play, companionship
Grandparents: love, delight, mentoring, care, nurturing, play
Uncle or Aunt: adventure, challenge, play, mentoring
20 minutes for total exercise → 10 minutes per partner
Round 1: Empathy
Choose a family member & receive empathy for this relationship
1. Identify a family of origin member who had a significant impact on you and share this person’s name and the type of relationship (sister, aunt, mother, etc.)
2. Set a timer for 5 minutes. Share about your experience with this family member. Receive empathy guesses from your partner as you do. You could use an empathy guessing structure like this:
“Would you have wanted a sense of ___________(need)?”
“Were you longing for____________(need)?”
“Would you have been nourished to experience/have __________(need)?”
3. After hearing the empathy guesses identify your top two needs— the needs most alive regarding the relationship you chose.
Round 2: The Healing Response
1. Set a timer for 5 minutes.
2. Ask your partner to role play this family member for you and offer healing responses from within their role
Instructions for the person doing the role play and offering the healing response:
Get in Role: Give yourself over to the role by becoming quiet and focusing on the person whose turn it is while saying internally your role. For example, “I am Maria’s brother, Eduardo.”
Ground yourself in the needs: Bring to heart the needs your partner would have liked to have met in the relationship you are role playing.
Offer healing responses: From your connection to the needs named, speak what comes up all by itself and let yourself express it regardless of whether or not it makes sense to you.
Fine tuning: Ask how that landed for your partner and if there are any changes you could make to your offering. Offer healing responses again with this feedback.
3. After you hear and see the healing response, notice your experience. Consider these possibilities:
Perhaps you will be inspired to say something back, or
Perhaps you will remain silent
You may want to make a note of what was offered
You may want the person to offer it again
You may want to make an adjustment and ask the person to offer the adjusted response