Practice Managing Reactivity: Skill 3
Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 6: Managing Reactivity, see Skill 1: Engage an “anchor” or any regulation strategy when you notice reactivity, and Skill 2: Identify at least three interpersonal de-escalation strategies.
Skill 3: Shift to empathy, self-empathy, or honesty the moment reactivity is identified
For this skill let’s use anger as an example. Below you can see how you might shift to empathy, self-empathy, or honest expression in the face of reactivity that has anger as a part of the expression:
Self-empathy
As soon as you can, name internally, “Anger” or ideally, name a feeling earlier in the continuum
Release the topic or agenda at hand
Engage your anchor
Self-Empathy
Prioritize connection with yourself. Continue anchoring and, if it’s helpful, internally name what’s happening for you: thoughts (memories, words, images), feelings, sensations, impulses, needs, requests.
Sometimes you need to make a little space in the conversation to do this. This might look like any of the following:
Repeat back what you heard
Call a pause to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water
Choose to completely ignore the other while you connect with yourself
Ask for a moment: “Hang on second I need to process what’s happening.” or “Hang on a second, I need a moment to refocus so I can hear you.” or “Give me a minute to take in what you’re saying.”
When you are grounded, choose either honest expression or empathy. (If anger in the other isn’t triggering for you, start here at step 5.)
Honest Expression
You may choose to set a boundary with honest expression or simply share your experience. If you choose to set a boundary with honest expression, follow through on what you say. For example, if you say, “Your tone of voice isn’t working for me. I am not willing to continue the conversation in that tone. Are you willing to shift?” and the other person says yes, but proceeds in the same way, it’s important to walk away at that point.
Have some key boundary phrases ready like:
This isn’t working for me. I will talk with you later.
What you’re saying hurts, I am not going to continue the conversation this way. Let’s try it after dinner.
I’m not interested in your analyses of me, please stop. I can hear your experience and your requests, will you share that part?
I am getting reactive, I don’t want to respond from this place. Let’s talk tomorrow.
A basic structure for honest expression is: “When I ( see, hear, or notice)___________, I feel____________ because I need (because what’s important to me is, because I value)_________________________. Would you be willing to_________________________________________?”
Empathy
If you decide to attempt empathy, drop into your center and put your attention on feelings, needs, & requests— the experience in the moment.
Jump in frequently with empathy guesses. Frequently means every 15 seconds or so. If you wait silently for a polite pause, the other person will likely escalate, because they are not sure they are being heard.
Empathy guesses can be one word guesses, one sentence, or a couple of sentences. If they are longer than that, they are more likely to slide into your agenda or interpretation. For example:
“That sucks!”
“Sounds painful”
“Respect?”
“I’m guessing you’d like more consideration?”
“That’s not the collaboration you’re looking for, huh?”
A basic structure for empathy is: “Do you feel _________________ because you need_________________________?”
practice
With a study buddy, set a timer for 8 minutes per partner.
Set up a role play in which you would like to practice meeting anger in another.
Choose an anchor that you will practice with.
Follow the self-empathy steps identified in the first section above.
Then practice either honest expression or empathy.