How Anger Can Help or Hinder

Jul 20

Anger is an important signaling system letting you know that you perceive a threat to a universal need or value for yourself or someone else. It is meant to direct your attention to something so that you can take effective action.

In the context of recovering from an abusive relationship, anger can indicate progress. It signals that the receiver of the abuse is beginning to recognize that their needs have been unmet. Anger can become a sort of catalyst helping this person to take care of those needs.

When you are mindful enough to recognize anger as a signal, you can take your time and meet it by naming it, accepting that it's okay to have it, feeling it in your body, and looking for feelings and needs underneath it.

Anger becomes a hindrance when you fan the flames of it with your thoughts. These thoughts are some version of:

things should be different than they are, or
someone should act different than they are

The word should leads you quickly to a disconnected state. It's easy here to get caught up in how right you are about the way people should behave or about how things should be. After all, it's true that your partner shouldn't blame you, right? As you have likely found, being right and telling your partner how they shouldn't blame you doesn't really help create intimacy or transformation. What's more true and important here is that something they are doing doesn't meet needs of yours and you would like to make a request for a change. That is, you might set a boundary and then invite them to brainstorm with you and find creative ideas for how to navigate challenging situations with more skill and connection.

Thoughts that fan the flame of anger are like a child having a tantrum. Children have tantrums because they can't yet accept that reality is different than they expect or would like. Like children in tantrums, your mind needs some gentle containment and reassurance. You can let your mind know that even though you don't like the situation, it doesn't help to insist that it not be what it is. It's okay to feel the sadness and disappointment about the way things are. Then you can connect with the needs unmet in the situation and take action to meet them. In the consciousness of MCD, you are continuously observing the content of life and letting it go so that you can remain grounded in what’s most important… love, care, respect, equity and more.