How to Set Boundaries Early and Often
In new relationships, setting clear boundaries is one of the fastest ways to know whether the relationship has potential to work long term. If your dating partner, new friend, or new coworker can’t or won’t respect your boundaries now, it could be a long, slow, painful learning curve ahead. Spare yourself this pain and set boundaries early and often in your new relationships.
It can be difficult at the beginning of a relationship to be direct and clear about what works for you and what doesn't. Your own chronic reactive habits might push you to avoid conflict at all costs.
For an example, let's look at the context of a new dating relationship. You really like your new dating partner. You've been going out for 3 months now and you are starting to hope this could really work. Then on your next date they are two hours late. They arrive and explain how band practice went late and that they lost track of time. You feel disoriented. You're not sure what's happening, but you know you don't want to threaten the sweet connection you have enjoyed so far. So you decide to just be understanding and say it's okay, and that you understand how that happens sometimes.
Shockingly, the same thing happens on your next date, but this time there is a different explanation and an apology. You are not hiding your disappointment so much this time and maybe you even say a word or two about what it was like for you to wait two hours. You receive more words of apology and within the hour you are happily receiving the love and affection for which you had been waiting.
If this pattern continues, it often escalates in a predictable way. You complain more each time the other person is late. Complaining escalates into anger and criticism. You find yourself taking potshots at the other person at random times. Your dating partner at first intensifies the apology, possibly even crying. But later, the apology gets equal time with justification and at the worst moments there are attempts to belittle or dismiss your feelings and needs. If the belittling goes on too long, you might begin to doubt yourself or try to control them.
This is a very painful way to learn about the results of not setting clear boundaries at the beginning of a relationship. Let's go back to our example and consider the first time this dating partner is two hours late for your date and see how boundary setting might look. There you are standing in front of your attractive, but very late date. You are a swirl of confusion, hurt, disappointment, fear, and desire. Your date is explaining the lateness and trying to reassure you that it doesn't mean anything. You are in an emotional pressure-cooker; you need time to find a sense of groundedness before responding. So the first thing you do is buy yourself some time. For example, you might say, "I don't know what to say right now. Let's get something to eat and talk about it after."
Once your emotions and body have settled and you have done something grounding with your date like eating or walking, you will be able to sort things out a bit. From a grounded place you realize that a number of things can be true at the same time and you can express them freely. In this particular example, you can name at least three things that are true:
You feel disappointed and hurt this evening because being two hours late doesn't give you the sense of respect and caring you're looking for.
You know that you really like this person and have enjoyed your time together thus far.
Trust and reliability are important for you in any relationship and arriving two hours late doesn't contribute to either. If being late is a pattern for this person, it’s not going to work for you.
As you express these things, perhaps one of the most important things is that you value the truth of them and honor yourself as you speak. If you express your truths with an apologetic tone, your dating partner will likely interpret that you don't really mean what you say or it's not important.
Another key element in expressing this is to follow up with a request; and really hear the answer. A clear request might sound something like this,
"Would you be willing to make being on time for our dates a priority and be there within ten minutes of the time we set and call me if you are going to be later than ten minutes?"
After making a request, it is important to hear the real answer. Your dating partner might respond like this:
"Oh yea, I will. You are important to me. It's just that I get caught up in things and I lose track of time. You know I really value being in the flow. Once I get creative, I want to follow that creative energy. Art isn't created on a schedule you know.”
In this case your dating partner starts with yes, but then really implies a no. If you let this roll by without further negotiation, you might drop into the reactive pattern described above. It's hard to stay with it, because moments like these can be deal breakers. When the immediate pain of a potential breakup is looming, it's hard to keep track of the long-term satisfaction that comes from clearly expressing what's right for you and sticking to it.
So don’t be hard on yourself if in the moment you can’t stay clear and continue the negotiation. If you feel yourself get fuzzy, just name that, “I get fuzzy hearing you say that. I’d like to talk more about this later when my head clears.”
In summary, here are key elements that can support you in setting boundaries early and often in a relationship.
When the other person does something that crosses a boundary, delay talking about it until you can get grounded. This might be a few minutes or a few days.
From a grounded place name what’s important to you in that situation. These things might include:
Your feelings and needs at the time of the boundary crossing,
Your care for the other person
A clear articulation of your boundary along with a specific doable request.
Don't settle for a "maybe" or "I'll try" as a response to your requests. Continue negotiation until you either come up with a new request that works for both of you or you hear a clear yes or no to your initial request.
Practice
If you are currently in a relationship in which your boundaries are respected, take a moment now to celebrate and articulate for yourself all that enabled you to set and follow through with clear boundaries. If you are struggling to set clear boundaries in a relationship, reflect on and work through the steps above in your journal or with a friend as a first step.