Basics for Cultivating Intimacy

True intimacy, as defined in the framework of Mindful Compassionate Dialogue, lives in a container of acceptance, mutual care, mutual respect, and healthy differentiation.  You can "feel close" to someone through a rush of love chemicals, enmeshment, or a trauma bond, but these kinds of experiences typically involve meeting some needs at the cost of many others and are not sustainable over time.

Intimacy is something that grows and deepens through experiences of trust, acceptance, care, and respect. When these needs are consistently met, sharing one's experience of life becomes a regular and satisfying part of relationship.

When you report the details of what happened in your day to a friend or partner you are likely meeting a need for companionship in everyday life. When you want to create greater intimacy, it’s important to share more than what happens and the things you do. Deeper intimacy depends on your ability to share your experience of life. Your experience includes: feelings, needs, impulses, thoughts, energy, dreams, hopes, mourning, etc. The more of these types of experiences you can share and empathize with, the more intimacy is created.

Talking about what others did or said, or just the things you did, leaves the other person guessing at your experience. In that case, they might focus on concrete details, problem solving, giving advice, or telling their own related stories.

Sharing at the level of your experience with depth and subtlety requires you to be self-aware and to hold your experience as valid regardless of another's response to it. This is part of healthy differentiation. When you are self-connected and self-compassionate, you can share intimately. When you are adjusting what you share in hopes of influencing how another thinks or feels about you, intimacy is difficult to access. And, of course, if the other person isn't able to receive your experience with care, acceptance, and respect, intimacy is blocked.

In a trusted relationship intimacy grows over time, becoming rich, nuanced, and full of discovery with these four foundations: acceptance, mutual care, mutual respect, and healthy differentiation. 

Relationships begin to fall apart when this level of being seen and heard in intimacy is no longer available. Losing that "loving feeling" or a sense of closeness is a symptom that intimate sharing is no longer prioritized. Letting the tasks of life, protecting one's autonomy, or defending against old wounding take center stage leaves little room for the aliveness and warmth that comes from intimacy.

Healthy differentiation is required for sharing intimately and for listening intimately. Listening intimately means being able to set aside your ideas and agendas for the other person, and hold quiet space of presence for them to unfold into. This often means that intimate conversations are slower. Since you are not preparing what you want to say while the other person is speaking there is often a pause between each bit of sharing as attention moves back and forth between the other's experience and your own. Holding presence implicitly recognizes that no matter how many years you have "known" someone, their experience in the present moment is utterly new. In listening and speaking with presence, intimacy is the preciousness of being in touch with another's aliveness as it is revealed in the moment.

Practice

The next time someone close to you begins to share intimately, practice offering presence by relaxing places of tension in your body, resting into a soft curiosity, and quieting your own thoughts and views.