Skillful Dialogue for “Emotional Cheating”
You see your partner creating a special bond with others and not sharing with you about it. You feel confused because you know your partner loves you, and at the same time you notice a sense of mistrust coming up in you. Some might refer to this situation as "emotional cheating".
”Emotional cheating" is a term that refers to the partner who is making special connections with others and not sharing about that in the relationship. It is an expression of unmet needs by the the person making this accusation.
If you are the one thinking that your partner is cheating on you emotionally, then you likely feel lonely, scared, confused, and have needs for inclusion, intimacy and clarity. What you value most about romantic partnership is the fullness of connection it can provide. One way of creating that fullness of connection is by sharing all dimensions of your experience with your partner such as play, work, health, transformation, spirituality, problems, celebrations, daily tasks, etc. A breadth and depth of sharing creates a sense of truly being together on life's path.
When your partner has close connection with friends and doesn't share something about that connection with you, you are missing out on an important part of your partner's life. Unfortunately, when you bring this up with your partner you might be bringing some reactivity with you, so your request for inclusion might sound like an accusation. If your partner hears an accusation, they are likely to withdraw more in order to avoid future conflicts. This in turn is triggering for you, which makes it even more difficult to broach the subject in the future. Thus, a reactive cycle has begun.
With any stressful and confusing situation, try leading with curiosity. Your partner has some reason for not sharing with you. There is some need they are trying to protect. Gentle curiosity about your partner's process will help to reveal needs on both sides. You can also begin these conversations with reassurance that you do not want to meet your needs at the cost of your partner's needs. When your partner truly gets that you are not a threat, they can relax and share more fully.
Reassurance is highly underrated. You might be surprised by how much reassurance your partner could benefit from and how much it helps the relationship to move forward. You bring your most vulnerable self to your intimate partnership, so of course it’s easy to slip into a reactive sense of threat. By accepting this as a given, you are able to offer and receive reassurance more regularly. It's especially important to offer reassurance when it looks like your partner doesn't need any. The need for reassurance is often covered over by anger, withdrawal, hyper-competence and self-reliance.
Reassurance isn't just about words. It's also about a gentleness in your voice tone, a warm embrace, a smile, a relaxed posture, a leaning forward in support, etc. Ask your partner what helps them to relax and experience you as someone who is looking out for their well-being.
Practice
This week experiment with offering reassurance to your partner as least once a day in as many different ways as you think of. Notice what happens in your sense of closeness and sharing with each other.
