How to Distinguish True Caring from Being Charmed
When you are charmed by someone, almost without noticing it, you find yourself falling for them. You soak up their attention like a sponge and find that you want more. Your thoughts begin to turn to wanting to be seen and noticed by them. The apparent caring they express is a soothing balm to something missing in you. One part of you wants to run headlong into a relationship with them and another part knows from experience that with some, charm can mask their own unmet needs for self-acceptance and emotional security. In this case, you find out the hard way that the charming attention you seek is not motivated by true caring for you. But how can you know the difference between being charming in this way and true caring? What kind information is helpful to have before rushing headlong into a committed relationship?
Of course, every relationship is complex. Yet, there are some predictable patterns you can look for to help you get a sense of what someone can offer consistently and where their current limits might be. Here are three key questions that will help with discernment:
1. How does caring show up under duress?
Charming others without true caring takes an incredible amount of energy. As such, it can't hold up under stressful circumstances when resources are needed to cope with adversity such as illness, lack of sleep, or challenges at work. True caring on the other hand is born from love as its source. Love doesn't depend on available energy. So when someone who truly cares for you is facing a stressor they may not access all the soft tones and words of caring, but their behavior is still aligned with caring. Their decisions are still based on caring.
2. How are differences treated?
Charming others is often an attempt to be liked and accepted. With so much energy directed toward this endeavor, there is limited energy for offering true caring. Without the connection that caring engenders, differences are easily perceived as threats. In the face of a difference of opinion, charming behavior may suddenly shift to forms of aggression or turning away such as:
Saying things like, “Whatever! You don’t know what you are talking about!”
Suddenly changing the topic
Turning away physically
Making fun of your behavior
Criticizing your thinking
Invalidating your experience
Withdrawing eye contact or affection
Leaving their own position to join yours
Sarcasm
Little jabs or jokes that make fun of or dismiss your position or preference
An analysis of your experience that leaves you feeling small.
A persuasive speech about why their view is the right one.
A sudden lack of curiosity and attentiveness
3. How consistent is the ability to consider the impact of their behavior on others?
True caring includes a commitment to connection with self or others. It doesn't always mean being directly engaged with another, but it does mean a consistent ability to consider the impact of one's behavior on others.
Charming others is typically riddled with little and big misses regarding the impact of one's behavior on others. Because charming others is a tragically ineffective strategy to meet needs for acceptance, when a lack of acceptance is perceived there is often a sudden sense of disconnect or deflation (not necessarily conscious) for the person enacting the charming behavior. This shows up in a variety of behaviors that don't meet a need for caring like:
Being late for or forgetting a date
Disengaging from affection or any physical contact
Lying or omitting important information
Dismissing another's experience
Keeping the conversation exclusively focused on themselves
Making demands
Making comments that reveal they have not been listening to you
Making decisions that impact you without checking in with you
Refusing to repair a rupture in connection
Making agreements initially with enthusiasm, but not following through and not communicating about it
Not responding to communication, “Ghosting”
Noticing patterns like “being charming” is tricky business, because without mindfulness you can easily slide into judging others rather than noticing if your needs are met or unmet. With mindfulness though, recognizing a pattern can be particularly helpful in the face of charming behaviors. If you are entranced by another's charm, you may be tempted to ignore times when your needs go unmet as you pursue the desire for true caring. But if you track a single behavior as a possible part of a pattern, you are more likely to question what’s happening and wake yourself from your own reactive trance.
True caring isn't necessarily dazzling or exciting the way charm can be. True caring warms you over time melting your defenses little by little as it creates safety for authenticity to find full expression.
Practice
Take a moment now to reflect on a relationship in which someone has shown true caring over the years. What are three or four aspects of true caring that stand out for you in this relationship?
