How to Stay Grounded in a Reactive Moment: Observing, Anchoring, and Reflecting

Feb 25

The most important thing you can do in a reactive moment is to get just a little bit bigger than whatever is happening. To do this, name what you are experiencing by saying something to yourself like, "I feel reactive." Naming what’s happening moves you from the position of experiencer to observer. If you can maintain your position as observer, you will be able to access other skills that you have for managing reactivity.

Once you are stabilized in your position as observer, you can engage an anchor. Reactivity is often like a tidal wave trying to sweep you away from yourself. It's essential that you have a way to anchor yourself in that bigger perspective. If you have ever encountered a boat anchor, you know that a physical anchor has some serious heft and is designed to sink into and hold fast in the solid ground below the surface waves. Your emotional anchor needs to be just as strong.

A strong emotional anchor has at least some of the following qualities:

It carries strong positive emotional weight for you.
It is something that you have practiced so often that it comes up on its own.
It is something that is connected to a deep sense of truth for you.
It is something that brings you into connection with something greater (Dharma, love, God, Allah, nature, etc.).
It is something that you can engage anywhere at any time.
It is something that you can easily hold your attention on.
It is concrete, specific, and doable.

Here are examples of emotional anchors that students have shared with me over the years:

Putting your hand on heart and reciting a favorite prayer
A big audible inhale and exhale followed by playing a meaningful song in your head
Looking out at nature and reminding yourself of what's most important (e.g., "The most important thing is to meet my experience with kindness.")
Calling to mind a memory of a peak moment of love, contribution, safety, recognition, etc.
Bringing to mind the smile of someone who loves you fully or any deeply meaningful image and relaxing your shoulders
Shifting your body to an upright and expansive posture and relaxing your face
Breathing through your heart or breathing into your center as you recite a key word or phrase
Putting your attention on the centerline of energy that moves up through your crown and down through your root and saying, “My only purpose is to meet each moment with acceptance and love.”

The important thing to understand about these anchors is that they are not meant to convince you of anything or push away the pain, fear, or reactivity of the present moment. They are simply meant to help you maintain a wise and compassionate relationship to your experience. Believing and then acting from your reactive thoughts means you have been swept up in the tidal wave that wreaks havoc for yourself and others. Engaging your anchor allows the tidal wave to simply pass on by. You get wet, but not lost.

Once the biggest wave subsides and you find yourself anchored in a wise and compassionate relationship to your experience, you are ready to engage more subtle steps of self-reflection. Here are some ways to move into relationship with your experience. Engage them in the order that works best for you.

1. Ask yourself:

What just happened that triggered me? Do the best you can to just name what happened by itself without any interpretations added. For example, instead of saying, "He got angry," you could say, "He said that doesn't work for him."
What am I telling myself? For example, "I am telling myself they are judging me," "I'm telling myself they are disrespecting me," or "I'm telling myself I am wrong."

2. Place your attention on your body. Ask the following questions:

What sensations am I noticing in my body?
Where do I tense up or relax?
Do I notice a temperature change?
What posture am I taking?

3. Connect to feelings.

Feeling into your heart, what emotions are there? Use the feelings list to become more aware and nuanced in identifying your feelings.

4. Connect to needs. Ask yourself:

What am I needing right now? What's important to me about this? Use the needs list to become more aware and nuanced in identifying your needs.

5. Make a request or take action. Ask yourself:

What do I want to do or say right now to be in alignment with or meet my needs or the needs of someone else?
Do I want to ask for help from a higher power to help find my heart in this moment?
What could I remember right now that would help me expand my perspective even more?
What do I want to do or say in the future to be in alignment with or meet my needs or the needs of someone else?

Connecting with yourself in this way will begin to dissolve reactivity. However, this doesn't mean that reactivity around the same trigger won't appear again. When this happens it doesn't mean that your practice wasn’t useful. It simply means that more practice is needed to stabilize your new response to reactivity. Reactivity is fueled by fear and habit energy. With repetition and practice you will replace fear with love and the habit of reacting with the habit of responding with wisdom and compassion.