Practice Honest Expression: Skill 4: Communicate feelings as connected to needs rather than another’s action

Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 3: Honest Expression, see Skill 1: Ask the other person if they are willing to listen before engaging in honest expression, Skill 2: Distinguish neutral observations from other types of thoughts, and Skill 3: Use feeling words to express feelings rather than interpretive words.

Skill 4: Communicate feelings as connected to needs rather than another’s action

It is incredibly empowering to take responsibility for feelings by connecting them to needs. Feelings (which include body sensations) are a form of feedback. They let you know that you perceive or experience a universal human need to be met or unmet. So, instead of saying, “You hurt my feelings,” you say, for example, “I feel hurt because I need consideration and care. Would you be willing to call me next time you are going to arrive more than ten minutes late?” 

When you focus on universal needs as the source of feelings you can make a request or take action to meet that need. When you imagine another person or event is the source of your feelings, you will engage in exhausting and futile attempts to manipulate others or the environment in order to produce pleasant feelings.

Feelings alert you to needs. Needs arise to let you know what is in or out of alignment with your life force. 

Let’s look at an example with the needs for celebration and being heard. Imagine you tell your partner about a big success you had at work that day and they respond with a distracted “oh, that’s nice.” You feel your heart sink and a sense of disappointment alerts you to unmet needs.

You take a moment and ask yourself what you needed when you shared the celebration with your partner. When you name the needs for celebration and being heard, you can make a request. You might say something like, “I have something big to share and I am really wanting to celebrate. I wonder if you are willing and available to listen with full attention right now for a couple of minutes?”

PRACTICE

Identify a recent moment in which strong feelings arose for you. Use the needs list to identify what needs were asking for your attention at that moment.