Identify and Transform Reactive Vows
Have you ever had the feeling that your life isn't quite your own? Somehow things don't feel quite right, like you're an imposter in your own life. Living from a reactive vow is one way this experience comes about.
Vows are often associated with conscious and momentous decisions. They are meant to set a course for your life.
Reactive vows carry the same course setting power, but are usually made in a moment (or a series of moments) of trauma or overwhelming pain and then buried in the unconscious. Reactive vows are often made in reaction to a repetitive situation in which you are experiencing pain or watching others experience pain and you are not able to change the situation. Reactive vows typically revolve around a universal need and dictate particular behaviors to engage in or to completely avoid.
For example, if you grew up watching your father cheat on your mother and experienced all the havoc and pain that came with that, you might have made a reactive vow like this: "I will never put my family through this. I will always be loyal to my partner." OR "I will never fully trust a partner and will always stay vigilant."
You can imagine how reactive vows like these could play out in ways that create a whole new kind of difficulty. In the first example, the reactive loyalty vow could result in the impulse to keep everything happy and harmonious by not communicating unmet needs in the relationship, and thus potentially making the relationship more vulnerable to affairs. In the second example, the reactive vow to stay vigilant, could prevent one from recognizing a partner who is worthy of trust.
Reactive vows can also flip flop from one polar extreme to another. Let's say you grow up in a chaotic home in which your parents' lives are run by addiction and impulsive decisions. In this situation, you make a reactive vow to live a life devoted to something meaningful. You choose a highly structured and disciplined life in an attempt to meet the needs for meaning, integrity, and stability. This reactive vow however isn't as in touch with the underlying needs as it is with how "you should be." Living from a set of "shoulds" you neglect other needs and lose contact with authenticity.
Because it is our fundamental human mandate to be fully who we are, these unmet needs, which are systematically excluded by a reactive vow, won't stay underground forever. When some pillar of the life that came from the reactive vow breaks, this break can catapult you to the other pole of your reactive vow. Because the unmet needs have been repressed and possibly shamed for so long, your psyche will have to do a lot of work to justify the change. Your psyche wants to preserve your sense of self, so it may resort to blaming others. You may find yourself criticizing the life you lead before and the people in it. In the worst case scenario, the previously cherished values will be shunned and new values will receive all your focus.
All of these scenarios that result from reactive vows create suffering. Let’s look at some ways to become more aware of them and begin to transform them.
You can begin by looking for the symptoms of reactive vows. Behaviors that arise from reactive vows usually have one or more of these characteristics:
Rigid, black and white thinking
Disconnect or dissociation
Urgency and anxiety when a particular avenue of behavior is blocked
Righteousness
Desperation: a willingness to do certain things at a high cost
Flat emotionality when you wouldn’t expect it
Defensiveness around anything relating to the reactive vow
Impulsive or secretive behaviors that are attempting to meet the repressed needs
When you notice one of these behaviors, you can pause and engage in a regulation strategy. Then ask yourself what needs or agendas you are trying to protect. If you are wanting to understand the origin of the reactive vow you could sit in mindfulness with the symptom, noticing it in body, breath, posture, thoughts, energy, and impulses. Then ask yourself when you first felt this way. Rather than searching for the answer mentally, wait patiently and notice what arises all by itself.
Once you start to become aware of the underlying needs and origin of the reactive vow, you can begin a process of healing and integration. Ask someone who can receive you with empathy to listen and reflect back your experience. This might involve telling the story of the situation in which the reactive vow was made. It likely includes allowing space to grieve the unmet needs and the hurt that was experienced by you and others in that situation.
Another step could be to make conscious non-reactive vows. Vows that are in alignment with honoring all of you, as well as the living beings around you, and support an experience of authentic thriving. Such vows are living dynamic entities that evolve and change as you do.
Practice
For now, set the intention to become aware of your reactive vows. The next time you are engaged in your contemplative practice, ask yourself to become aware of your reactive vows and wait quietly. If you continue to ask and wait quietly your subconscious will offer up the information. You could also use the bulleted list above to direct your attention to parts of your life in which a reactive vow might be in the driver's seat. As always, do these exercises when you can bring a gentle and compassionate attitude towards your experience as you reflect.