Markers of Success with Reactivity

You’ve been learning tools to identify and process your reactivity and respond more from the heart, and yet sometimes you notice you still fall into a reactivity trance and act in ways that are not aligned with your values. This can be discouraging and demotivating, as our brain’s built-in problem-focused bias tends to point to our failings. Thus, it’s helpful to give special attention to your successes. You might be surprised to notice how you are growing and renew your hope and motivation to continue with your efforts.  

So let's look at signs of success and growth in relation to inner reactivity.

One of the first markers of success with reactivity is that you notice it before you act from it. This requires subtle body awareness and familiarity with the signs and symptoms of reactivity. Although you might be tempted to berate yourself when you notice your reactivity (“Why am I reacting to such a small thing?” “How come I'm triggered again?” “Why can't I just enjoy the moment?”...), remember that awareness is the door to freedom– even as it is uncomfortable and painful. Every time you notice your reactivity before responding, you have succeeded in living more in alignment with your values. 

A second marker is that you accept your state of reactivity rather than tightening against it or telling yourself you shouldn't react. This might not be your initial response. You might first notice resistance or self-judgments about the reactivity, and if so, it’s not too late to invite yourself to bring more self-compassion to this moment. Being human, you are likely to experience some reactivity all of your life. The point is not to vanquish reactivity, but rather to develop a compassionate and skillful relationship with it. Accepting it when it shows up is part of this process: acceptance opens the door to transformation. And, in the long run, the more you honor yourself and tend consistently to your needs, in harmony with others, the less reactivity you will experience. 

These first two markers of success with reactivity are usually part of your internal dialogue and might sound something like this, "I notice I feel some tightening in my chest. I'm reacting to something. Alright, it's okay that I am reacting. Let me just take a minute and feel these uncomfortable feelings."

Another marker of success is that if you are interacting with another, you name it out loud and ask for time to process it, "I notice I feel reactive. I need to take a moment." In a world where inner awareness is typically lower than ideal and rarely shared with others, this requires a willingness to be open and vulnerable. You might notice you are more willing to do this in some settings or with certain people more than others, and that's okay. In an environment that you experience as less safe, you might start by naming this more indirectly: “Give me an hour to think on it and get back to you.” The key is to acknowledge reactivity and give yourself space to self-connect. As you are more often able to communicate about reactivity you will naturally invite others to do the same. 

Once you have taken time for regulation and anchoring, your internal dialogue might continue like this, "What just happened that might have triggered me? What am I telling myself about that? What feelings and needs are up for me at this moment?" Allow yourself to really connect to the deeper universal needs that got stimulated. Then ask yourself what you would like to do to tend to those needs at the moment or later.

When you have some sense of the reactive trigger, you might turn to the other person and express what you found. For example, imagining a partnership, you hear one person expressing to the other, "I got triggered right after you told me your ex came over and helped you yesterday. I started telling myself that you can replace me. I don't believe what I am telling myself, but it is triggering me anyway. I think that the triggered part of me could calm down with a couple of words of reassurance. Would you be willing to remind me that you love me and want to be with me?"  

Notice that, in this example, the partner revealed the internal trigger for reactivity, the thought of being replaced, rather than blaming their partner or demanding the ex not be invited to help out any more. This is a third marker for success with reactivity. 

Also, this partner took responsibility by naming the need (reassurance) and making a clear and specific request. This is a fourth marker for success with reactivity.

In other words, once you have done some internal processing, you then have the information and the tools to respond from the heart and express yourself authentically. 

Again, you may choose to do this more or less vulnerably, depending on the context or the relationship you have with the other person. In a work environment, this type of self-expression might sound more like: “I have a concern that starting the project next Monday, as you suggested, won't give us the time to prepare everything and meet our usual quality standards. Honoring commitments in terms of deadlines and quality is important to me. Would you be willing to postpone the start date by two days to make room for this to happen with ease?” In this example, the trigger, thoughts, feelings and needs are still named, but with a lesser degree of vulnerability.

Finally, you could also care for your needs by making a request of yourself or someone outside of a particular situation. For example, “Wow, I noticed I was really triggered when I heard that there was a birthday party yesterday and that my daughter wasn't invited. It brought back uncomfortable memories of high school. I realize the need for inclusion is really up for me. Before I ask my daughter how she feels about it, I’d like to get some empathy from my practice buddy. I'll write to her now to set up a time.”

Even as you read this, you might notice some reactivity. You might be saying something to yourself like, “Wow, I notice I feel triggered reading about these success markers and not remembering having hit any of them recently. I have a reactive thought that “I will never learn or grow.” I feel really vulnerable right now. I need some reassurance. I'll call my old friend who could easily remember my successes and ask her to share a couple of examples.”

In sum, a few markers that you are successfully handling reactivity include:

1. Identifying reactivity before acting from it

2. Accepting reactivity with compassion for yourself

3. Recognizing that the cause for reactivity is internal, that is, based on your misperception of threat regarding one or more needs (the definition of reactivity we use here at Wise Heart)

4. Taking responsibility for reactivity by identifying the underlying needs and asking for help with those needs from someone else or yourself

While these steps are simple enough to understand, they require mindfulness, mental clarity, the ability to identify universal needs and more. The subtle skills needed to maintain this responsible relationship to reactivity require consistent learning and practice. Above all, they require being resourced, so it's important to be attending to your needs on a regular basis, as it’s difficult, if not impossible, to learn and grow from a depleted state. 

And please remember that these practices are an invitation. Growth comes with choice. If you find yourself tempted to use these markers to evaluate and judge your skills or progress, remember that growth comes with acceptance and compassion, not through comparison or criticism. If you notice that you are not yet engaging with all the markers listed above, this is an opportunity to practice with self-warmth and explore what needs you’ve been attending to by not choosing these practices. Bringing the needs to light will give you more choice to respond differently next time. 

Practice

Take a moment now to reflect on a time when you have had success handling reactivity. Make a physical or mental note of the steps you took in that process. What did you notice (observations of context, events, sensations, feelings, needs)? What did you say to yourself? What actions did you take? What supported you in responding in a different way? Is there anything you could replicate in the future?

If you have a habit of only noticing your failings, you might want to start a daily practice of writing down your successes, whether at the end of the day or throughout the day in a little notebook you keep handy or on your phone. Taking time to notice and record markers of your growth will quiet down self-criticism, boost your motivation to keep practicing, and increase your sense of progress.