Traditional Apologies vs. Relationship Repair
In Mindful Compassionate Dialogue (MCD) we use the term “relationship repair” rather than “apologies.” For us, relationship repair more accurately describes the process of addressing unmet needs with responsibility, clarity, care and mutuality. It helps you go from a vague hope for change to the possibility of deepening connection and cultivating trust.
Traditional ideas of an apology point to needs for caring and responsibility, but can also easily trigger disempowerment and blame. For example, the implicit idea that someone should apologize for “how they made you feel,” is often present. In an article about apologies that someone forwarded to me, the author wrote, "She needs him to apologize for how he made her feel. She needs him to apologize for hurting her. He should say, and mean, "I'm sorry I hurt you."
Let’s look briefly at ideas contained in the apology. If the scenario above played out in the way it was described, the woman is hopefully receiving nourishment around the needs for caring and being seen. Also, the woman’s partner is attempting to take responsibility with the words, "I'm sorry I hurt you.” This might be a helpful first pass at repair. However, we can find several places in which we could enter into more subtlety, responsibility, clarity, and connection.
The author uses the phrase, “how he made her feel.” This is incredibly disempowering language for the woman in the scenario and encourages her to blame her partner. In MCD relationship repair, feelings are the voice of universal needs. They arise because a need is or perceived to be met or unmet. External events or behaviors do have an impact on you, which influences your perception or experience that your needs are met or unmet— feelings arise relative to the experience of your needs.
This means that not only do you get to identify the needs behind your feelings, you are also empowered to take action to meet these needs, which then gives rise to different feelings. You have the power to regulate emotion, take action to meet your needs, and pursue happiness. This isn’t possible if others can make you feel a certain way.
At an even more subtle level, within the framework of relationship repair you also get to examine what you made something mean and whether you believe your interpretations or not. Such interpretations play a huge part in what you perceive and then feel in a given moment.
All this doesn’t mean that hearing someone say “I’m sorry” isn’t important. Hearing someone say they are sorry, you might feel relief as you imagine that they didn't intend to stimulate pain or frustration for you (met need for caring). Also, hearing "sorry" might help meet a need for empathy regarding the hurt you feel. All this is an important part of the process, but alone it won’t create a particular depth of mutual heart connection or an understanding about what to do differently in the future. Let’s look briefly at a step beyond “I’m sorry.”
If a friend said to me, "What you did really hurt my feelings. You need to say you're sorry." I could imagine the dialogue continuing like this:
Me: “Oh, thank you for telling me, I didn’t know. I’m sorry. I had no intention to hurt you or trigger pain for you. Can you tell me what I said or did that was painful for you?”
You can see here that I can authentically and immediately express that I’m sorry, because I have not linked an apology with blame, and I don’t take responsibility for my friend’s feelings. I know feelings arise from the perception or experience of needs met or unmet. And, I know that when I learn what needs are present for my friend, we will be able to find a way for me to contribute to them— if not in the moment, then in the future.
I also know that my intentions are good and that even with good intentions I will say or do things that don’t meet needs for others. I know I am still a good person with good intentions even when things don’t go as I hoped.
Friend: “You said that you didn’t care if I came to the gathering or not.”
Me: “Oh, okay, I remember saying that, yeah. I can imagine that could be perceived as a lack of caring or even that I don’t really want to include you. Is that what you thought?”
Friend: “Yeah, it seems like I just don’t matter to you.”
Me: “Mmm, yeah, you imagined that you didn’t matter to me, ouch.”
Friend: “Yeah.”
Silent pause in which I notice that breathing slows and there is a long exhale, and then my friend looks up at me and I perceive an openness to what’s next.
Me: “I wonder if you are open to hearing what my intention was at that moment, or if you would like more empathy first?”
Friend: “I can hear you now.”
Me: “Okay, thanks. When I said that, I was remembering what you had said before about your schedule the other day and you feeling overwhelmed and tired and needing rest. So, I had the thought that I don’t want the invitation to be one more thing on your list. I wanted to support ease for you in choosing not to come if you preferred to rest.
And, now I feel a surge of regret that I didn’t say all this at the time because I imagine it would have contributed to you receiving the care. Can you tell me what you heard me say just now?”
In this dialogue, there might be a few more passes of hearing each other’s experience, reflecting back, and offering empathy. Then we could negotiate what to do in a future similar situation to take care of the needs we identified.
Practice
This week, notice the next time you want to say sorry or ask for an apology. Pause, and take time to reflect on at least one of the following principles of relationship repair:
Apologies aren’t about blame, they are only one step in relationship repair meant to begin to express care and take responsibility.
Others can’t make you feel a certain way. Your power rests in identifying the underlying needs and taking action to meet them.
Your interpretation of others’ words or actions gives rise to the perception that needs are or will be met or unmet. You can examine your interpretations and decide whether or not you believe them, or if you would like to get clarity about what is really true for the other person.
Relationship repair depends on a mutually generated desire to continuously learn how to care for the connection with ever more subtlety and skill.
You can read more about relationship repair here.