Differentiate Compassion from Rescuing

You have likely heard some version of the phrase: "People have to save themselves. They have to want to change."

We might know and believe this intellectually, but when we are faced with seeing someone we love suffer and we think we know a better way, it's pretty tough not to react. 

Most of us have learned by example that suffering, or difficult feelings, “should not” last too long and must be either shut down and ignored or modified in order to avoid entering dangerous grounds. Even if we’ve learned to receive our own difficult feelings – which of course, are part of life and an opportunity for learning and growth – it can remain a challenge to watch or accompany a loved one who is going through hardship or emotional upheaval, especially when we think we see a clear solution to the situation! We might feel tension building up inside and feel the urgency to swoop in and try to “rescue” them. Or the situation might be so unbearable for us that we might draw a rigid boundary, turning away and saying something like: "It's your problem. You have to handle it."

How can we stay present and connected with our natural compassion in the face of a loved one's pain AND maintain a life-serving boundary?

The first step is to allow yourself to receive your inner experience, starting with your inner thoughts and judgments that leave you feeling angry, resentful, or hopeless. Take a step back, a deep breath and observe without judging yourself. Your thinking might sound something like this:

"If she would just listen to me, she would be better off. Why won't she wake up and take my advice?! How can she make choices like these?! She knows better."

No matter what level of intensity you observe in your own thinking, remember that all judgments are just an indication that there is something important for you at play here. And that we have been trained to judge and evaluate, so that’s what comes easiest to us, even though it often does not serve life or connection.

Second, take a moment to engage in self-empathy. Observe your thoughts and connect with feelings and needs. Your inner dialogue might sound something like this:

"I feel so sad and frustrated seeing her go through this. Her health and happiness are really important to me. It's so confusing seeing her make the choices she does. I wish I could understand her better. I want to help, and I also don't want to interfere. So I feel kind of stuck and powerless right now."

Third, once you have allowed yourself to feel and receive your own inner experience, you will be more resourced to turn towards your loved one with compassion. You could start by reminding yourself that this person— like any of us— is always doing the best they can in a given moment, with the emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental resources they have access to. The biggest gift you can offer them is acceptance of where they are in life and trust that they will continue to find their own path.

Fourth, from this accepting and compassionate energy, you might want to try connecting with them by getting curious about their feelings and needs, that is, offering them empathy. This can be done silently in your own heart or verbally with them.

Here is where it's important to remember a foundational concept in Mindful Compassionate Dialogue and Nonviolent Communication.

Needs stand alone. Needs are not linked to any one person, thing, or behavior.

So instead of: "Do you need me to help you?” Or “Do you need him to be there for you?"

It sounds like: "I'm guessing you could use help and support that you can count on?"

Before you try this out loud, you might want to become more familiar with the list of feelings and universal needs, which is essential for engaging in self-empathy and offering empathy. 

Even so, sometimes it's hard to just offer compassionate presence and empathy when you see someone you love suffering.

For those of us who have a tendency to rescue, our try at empathy might quickly turn into advice-giving, consoling, cheering up, analyzing, explaining, etc. This is a good time to pause, turn back inward, and offer yourself more self-empathy, recognizing that this is a difficult situation and accepting whatever feelings are arising inside.

For those of us who have a tendency to turn away from others’ pain, we might be unwilling to give empathy at all. We might think that if we offer empathy we are somehow agreeing or taking responsibility.

In those moments it can be helpful to remember that the most simple definition of empathy is an action that says: "I'm listening to your heart and I care." There is nothing in it that says you will save the day, the other has to change, or something is wrong or right. There is just a simple witnessing with a loving heart.

At the same time, remember that it's also okay not to feel resourced or ready to offer empathy, and to accept that as your inner experience in the moment. This can also serve as your cue to go back into self-empathy.

Sometimes, not wanting to offer empathy is a roundabout way of setting a boundary. Both this and other more direct boundaries such as the reaction mentioned above ("It's your problem. You have to handle it.") can be transformed into more life-serving boundaries through what we call honest expression. This entails expressing your inner experience to your loved one along with the boundary you’d like to set. It might sound something like this: 

“It's difficult for me to hear what you are saying, because I care so much about your health and happiness and so I have the impulse to try to rescue you. At the same time, I don't want to interfere in your decisions. So I will just listen and offer empathy unless you ask me for something directly. ”

Practice

Connect with your own need to see others thrive, especially those you love dearly. You might do this simply by imagining them as happy and thriving.

Take a moment now and think of someone in particular you care for, who is suffering and whom you wish you could help. Close your eyes and let your body relax. Invite the flow of your own emotions: perhaps there is anger, frustration, exasperation, disappointment, or grief. As you connect with your needs, more grief may arise. Breathe through your heart and let yourself experience the grief.

Feel yourself accepting your own experience. With acceptance you will notice feelings of peace and expansion. As you relax, begin to see this person not just as they are now, but rather as someone on a journey to awakening with all its painful and joyful twists and turns. Let yourself drop into the knowing that this person is held and taken care of by something much greater than you. Imagine yourself handing over this person's well-being to this greater consciousness. Sense the relief and release that this brings.