Discern the Difference Between Self-Responsibility and Alienating Self-Negation

Apr 14

A big part of a healthy community and satisfying relationships is a consistent experience of collaboration and interdependence. The joy and effectiveness of collaboration and interdependence depends on each person assuming self-responsibility. In the framework of Mindful Compassionate Dialogue, self-responsibility means noticing what helps you thrive and taking action and making requests accordingly.

Alienated self-negation, on the other hand, is a set of reactive habits that puts you in survival mode. You negate your needs and desires if they are not in alignment with managing what you perceive as survival or security. When you are in this pattern, you don't see others as potential sources of support, in fact, you often just don't attune to others. You find yourself so busy taking care of things on your task list that you forget to look up and invite others into your world. Others perceive a coldness and unwelcoming tone. When someone tries to help or offer an idea for collaboration, your mind focuses on how they are doing it wrong or why what they offer won’t work. Offers of support might also be perceived as someone doubting your competence. For example, if someone asks you if they can help you cook, you might imagine they are asking because they don’t like your cooking. You might also have a thought that cooking with someone else will just make things less efficient and therefore you would rather they not help. You consistently choose efficiency and practicality over companionship and connection. Or perhaps, you divide your time into boxes such that, for example, cooking and companionship don’t happen together. In short, the alienated self-negating pattern blinds you to the potential to meet needs and the support that is already present.

This reactive pattern usually arises from early life experiences in which you were left on your own when you needed physical, mental, emotional or spiritual support. A common scenario is that older children often find themselves encouraged to give up their needs for the sake of younger siblings. If your needs were ignored, you likely developed a core belief that people would never be there for you and so you stopped seeking help and worked hard to be competent on your own.

Left unchecked, this core belief acts as a filter through which you experience your relationships. The result is that, while you may enjoy a sense of competence in many realms, you also hear yourself complaining that you have to be responsible for everything, that you and your partner live parallel lives, that others never get it right, and that you are alone in the world.

Finding freedom from this pattern means learning to seek and trust support from others. This can begin in the smallest of ways like letting someone hold the door for you or asking for help carrying in the groceries. You can also take on particular practices for a day or week at a time, like the following:

Say "yes" to every offer of help.
Make one request for help each day.
Write down the support you received at the end of each day.
Instead of asking yourself if you "need help," ask yourself if it could be fun and connecting to have help.
When you are accepting help, notice what's happening at the moment: Are you worrying that you are a burden? Does the other person look pleased? Is there more connection? Are you hurrying through it? Are you focused on how it is not quite right?
When someone proposes a plan, seek to understand what they care about and what their hopes are before diving into practicalities.
Rather than doing "divide and conquer" grocery shopping with your partner or housemate, stay together and enjoy companionship.
Reflect on times in which you did enjoy collaboration and make a note of what supported you in trusting that.
Review various parts of your life (health, money, career, parenting, creating, housekeeping, play) and ask yourself where you would be willing to experiment with asking for support or collaboration.
Once a day, when you have the impulse to be alone and get things done, do the opposite and move toward connection with someone else.
For one day, set your intention to greet each person who enters your space with a quiet smile.
For one week, start every interaction with a celebration of something you're grateful for.

Whether this is a pattern of reactivity that comes up for you or not, attending to interdependence is an essential part of creating a world in which all living beings can thrive in safety and well-being. Set your intention to look for opportunities to create and step into the flow of giver, receiver, and gift. Offer warmth. Ask for support. Focus on gratitude.