Strategies for Interrupting Habits of Power Under

Mar 10

Have you found yourself giving up your authenticity hoping to make it easier for others? Or, perhaps you ask what others want and forget to notice what you want. Or, maybe sometimes you lose yourself trying to make things work for someone else?

When you imagine that there is no space for your needs and that others’ needs are more important than yours, you may have entered a reactive state called "power under.” One way to understand reactive power dynamics is to divide experience into three categories called power under, power over, and power with. Choosing to meet your needs at the cost of others’ needs could be called a "power over" behavior. Collaborating so that everyone's needs can be honored could be an example of "power with." Power dynamics, of course, are formed and exist on all levels of interaction - global systems, cultural systems, family systems, and personal relationships. For this Connection Gem, we will focus primarily on power under and how it shows up in personal interactions. You can find a more detailed description of these terms here. You can find several other Connections Gems on power dynamics by putting the word “power” in the search bar here.

At the intrapsychic level, when you are caught in the reactive pattern of "power under," you disconnect not just from your needs and preferences, but also from your energy, creativity, and authenticity. Thus, you aren’t able to truly collaborate with others. When someone asks about your needs, and you habitually defer to meeting theirs, they may enjoy taking the lead and having what they want at first, but eventually this shifts to a sense of having to be responsible for you and feeling alone. The most well intentioned person might react to your pattern of power under by getting caught in the pattern of power over. If this is happening, you might hear the other person say things like:

"You make me feel like a monster."
"Why do I have to figure everything out?!"
"I feel alone in this relationship."
“It seems like I have to take care of you.”

In time, you will start to resent the other person for acting from a power over pattern, even though in a given moment it doesn’t seem to matter that you gave up a preference or didn’t express a need. Later on, when you realize what was true for you, you might kick yourself for not speaking up. This creates a tragic cycle of blame and shame.

As you set your intention to maintain self-connection and engage from a “power with” consciousness, you might stumble a bit at first. You might overshoot and lobby for a preference that doesn't mean that much to you and then next time let go of something you really care about. You might have a few arguments with the other person until you gain confidence that it's okay for you to express what's authentic for you and they learn to respect your new voice. Shifting any aspect of relationship dynamics is often preceded by an escalation of reactivity.

Let's look at some practical steps you can take for interrupting the power under pattern and cultivating power with consciousness in your personal daily life:

1. Build a relationship to your needs.

Print the feelings and needs list and put it on your nightstand. Spend ten minutes every night identifying the needs that were met and unmet for you that day.

2. Bring awareness to the habits of "power under" by identifying a telltale sign that you are in it.

Maybe there is something you typically say like: "Whatever you want." "It doesn't matter." "Just tell me what you want and I will do it." "I don't care." Or, maybe there is something you do, like look down, slouch, stand just behind and back from the interaction, or speak quietly. Choose one telltale sign that will be your signal to pause and ask yourself what’s really authentic for you in that moment.

Replace the habits of power under with something specific and concrete. For example, perhaps you replace "whatever," with "Give me a moment to think of what I would like." Or, perhaps you replace slouching with sitting or standing upright.

3. Create and practice a mantra that helps you step forward into "power with." Here are some possibilities:

I matter
It's okay to take up space
I am welcome here
Hiding doesn't help
It's safe to show up
I want to be alive in my life
There is space for my needs

4. Ask for support.

At first you may think you actually don't have any needs or preferences. If you have been behaving from "power under" for a while, you may be disconnected from what is really alive for you moment by moment. You may need to ask others to wait a few minutes or a day while you find your truth about a particular decision or situation. Let those you trust know that you are trying to make this change and ask for support. Here are some requests that might be helpful:

Please greet my ideas with warmth and curiosity at first even if you don't agree.
If you have the impulse to tease me, please keep it on the inside and don't tease me about saying or doing things differently.
When you see me trying, I would welcome an authentic appreciation of the effort I'm making or reassurance that it's okay to be awkward.
Please show patience with my process by encouraging me to take the time I need to find what's right for me.

As you begin this practice of stepping forward into "power with," you will likely encounter internal resistance as well as resistance from others who don’t expect you to take up space. As you change how you interact with others, you might also change who you spend time with. Look for people who are kind and patient and dedicated to "power with."