Empathy and Strategies for Overwhelm
You start to feel fuzzy and tired and can't imagine doing one more thing. Interacting with other human beings for another minute feels like an impossible task. You just want to withdraw into a quiet, safe space and be alone, or watch a movie and forget about the world. You find yourself cutting corners, dropping agreements, and not responding to phone calls and emails. This is overwhelm.
When you make decisions from overwhelm, you might make things worse which then triggers more overwhelm. If this happens regularly, your life can seem out of control. You might discover you've withdrawn into a corner from which you’re not sure how to come out. At night, you might have dreams about driving a car with no brakes. Making decisions from overwhelm, as from any reactive energy, can be costly to your needs and the needs of others.
As with any reactive state, the first intervention is simply to be able to name it as it shows up. Just naming it helps you to get a little distance from it. This awareness opens your consciousness to the possibility that overwhelm may not be everything.
After naming it, you can choose to allow the feeling of overwhelm, from a place of self-compassion. You might say to yourself: "I am feeling overwhelmed. It's okay to feel this. It's uncomfortable but I can sit still and just notice it." We are often reluctant to accept our intense feelings because we have been conditioned to think that we might drown in them and not be able to surface again. Ironically, the opposite is true. Mindfully noticing and allowing body sensations and feelings helps them arise and pass away without extra story or tension. If you are not familiar with this practice, you might want to try it first when accompanied by an empathic other.
Next, you can ask yourself: "What do I need right now?" This is a tricky part, because if the voice of overwhelm answers, it will almost always tell you should withdraw. Be very suspicious of the impulse to withdraw, as it's usually about an unconscious sense of threat that comes from the past and not what is presently happening. For example, you might have a fun outing planned and if you go to that despite the impulse to withdraw, you will likely find that you are glad you went.
It’s helpful to reflect more deeply on the experience of overwhelm when you are not in the midst of it. You could begin by identifying universal needs. Needs that are often alive in the midst of overwhelm are emotional regulation, comfort, reassurance, rest, support, clarity, groundedness, and structure. You can use your feelings and needs list to help you identify what you deeply long for when in overwhelm. Once you’ve identified a primary need, take a moment to connect with how it lives in you. Remember or visualize how it feels for you to have that need met. As your body relaxes in this visualization, ask yourself how you might tend to this need more consistently. What baby step could offer more nourishment for this need? Would taking a nap or taking a stroll in nature meet your need for regulation or rest? Would asking a close friend or neighbor to take care of the kids for half an hour honor your need for support? Allow yourself, if only briefly, to consider new strategies for self-care. Sometimes just realizing there are several strategies out there to meet your needs already brings some peace of mind.
Lastly, allow yourself to communicate with others about your overwhelm. Rather than leaving emails and phone calls unanswered for days and weeks, respond with a simple: "I am feeling overwhelmed right now, and will get back to you Saturday (make your best guess at what would work for you)."
Letting others know you are overwhelmed isn't always easy. You might have an inner critic that says you should have it all together, and most of us have been conditioned to hide our vulnerability rather than expose it. The paradox is that when we reveal our vulnerable humanity, others open their hearts and connect with their own humanity and their need to contribute to life. Letting others know what you are going through is an act of courage which will open the door to deepening your relationships and receiving more support in your life. What's more, accepting and owning that none of us have it all together every moment is a big part of creating authentic and trustworthy relationships. You might be surprised at the responses you get from that short message!
Practice
Take time before you are overwhelmed to make a plan for the next time it arises. Make a guess at the needs most likely to be up for you when you go into overwhelm and what you might do in the moment to meet your needs. Watch for the next time overwhelm arises and experiment with your new intervention. Notice what worked and what didn’t so you can tweak your intervention for next time.