Practice Appreciation: Skill 1: Express the Definition and Purpose of Appreciation

Mindful Compassionate Dialogue is a system of transformation and learning that helps you create the relationships you want. To do that, it relies on a Life-Serving Intention, nine Foundations, and 12 Relationship Competencies. 

The Life-Serving Intention to connect and focus on present moment experience is central to MCD, because this is where a powerful paradigm shift occurs. This shift is learning to trust the truth that when we attain a particular quality of connection within ourselves and with another, we naturally want to engage with generosity, creativity, and consideration of all needs present in a given situation.

Appreciation is the first of the 12 Relationship Competencies. Appreciation is a form of positive feedback that uses clear and specific terms to express what works. It’s not about building someone’s self-esteem or giving praise. Appreciation practice lays the foundation for collaborative and vibrant relationships. It supports the ability to meet challenges with skill and grace, and contributes to resilience by creating a sense of confidence that each person’s good intentions and effective contributions are known.

Appreciation as a form of honest expression likely is changing the definition as you know it. When most people hear the word “appreciation,” they think of praise. Examples of praise include telling someone how great they are, complimenting them, and assigning positive labels like “sweet person,” “good parent,” or “hard worker.” Praise and positive judgments (or labels) are usually meant to be forms of celebration, but they are problematic for two reasons. First, judgments are static and simplistic and can’t represent all that you are—an ever-changing flow of dynamic aliveness. Second, you may have experienced praise as a form of manipulation, an attempt to shape your behavior, or as a means to dole out rewards and punishments. Both of these are tragic strategies that interfere with your ability to hear the other person.

In Mindful Compassionate Dialogue, the word “celebration” is used synonymously with “appreciation.” In this context, when you share a celebration you express gratitude regarding something a particular person has done to contribute to particular needs for you. Listening to someone offer appreciation is really about hearing their experience of something you did, not their opinion of you. In a fundamental sense, when someone appreciates you, it’s not about you. It helps you get to know the person offering appreciation and how to contribute to them.

Skill 1: Express the definition and purpose of appreciation

Appreciation is a form of positive feedback that uses clear and specific terms to express what works. It is a form of honest expression that identifies specific actions or behaviors and the needs they meet.

The true purpose of appreciation is to become aware of and communicate what meaningfully contributes to life. Such attention and communication about what contributes teaches you how to create thriving for yourself and others.

PRACTICE:

This week choose one particular relationship in which you would like to express appreciation. When you offer that appreciation, also let the other person know what appreciation is for you in the way you are offering it. Read over the definition above and decide how you would express that in your own words.