How to Respect Boundaries and Let Go of Immediate Resolution
Wanting relief from the discomfort of not having resolution, you might cross another’s boundary. Have you ever followed someone around the house or called them over and over again after they requested a time-out? Respecting life-serving boundaries often means being willing to tolerate the discomfort of disconnect and unresolved conflict.
When you are attached to getting resolution with someone, you are not only likely to escalate reactivity and cross boundaries, you might also let the other person cross your boundaries. For example, you know you wouldn't hang around while a store clerk blamed you for the hard day they were having by saying something like, "It's your fault I got so upset. You had too many groceries!"
However, when someone close to you says something like, "I wouldn't be so upset if you hadn't criticized me!" you get hooked. You want to be seen. You want the other person to see that your intention was to make a request, not to criticize. You want to be connected and you want fairness. Naturally you make an attempt to clarify another’s misperception. Too often your attempts to clarify are perceived as a denial of their experience. The other person then escalates; voice volume increases and you experience words and actions that don’t meet your needs for kindness and respect. When you remain in a dialogue after your boundaries have been crossed, you inadvertently send a message that it is okay to cross your boundaries. Your willingness to continue the interaction under these conditions is the same as saying; "I am willing to give up my need for respect in order to be close to you." This is a recipe for continued reactivity and violence.
When reactive patterns like this have been established over a long period of time in a relationship, letting go of immediate resolution is a critical part of the change process. Your ability to tolerate the discomfort of being disconnected from someone you normally enjoy connection with allows you to set boundaries around behaviors that do not meet your needs. It also allows you to interrupt reactive patterns rather than engage in them. Here are three keys to strengthening your ability to tolerate disconnect and let go of pursuing immediate resolution:
Build trust in your own skills of self-empathy, self-soothing, and find support from those who can truly offer empathic presence.
Cultivate a critical mass of clarity by reflecting on the cost of staying in an interaction when boundaries have been crossed.
Clearly articulate life-serving boundaries by identifying concrete doable terms and knowing the needs they are designed to meet. For example, a person being "yelled at" might say, "I need respect and peace and so I won't continue this interaction until your voice volume lowers." Or, "This way of interacting doesn’t have the caring I am looking for. I am going to do something else now. I hope we can connect tomorrow by reflecting back and offering empathy."
Fundamentally, the key to respecting life-serving boundaries with regard to conflict is to recognize and manage reactivity, and care for your own heart and the love that is present there. When you engage in this way you naturally find compassion and wise discernment.
Practice
Take some time now to reflect on one time recently when you set a clear boundary in an interaction and one time when your attachment to resolution led to boundaries being crossed. Where do the three keys listed above fit into both situations?
