What Does It Mean to Be Self-Reliant?

A common question that arises from students of Mindful Compassionate Dialogue (MCD) is how you can be self-reliant, and still look to others for support and make requests. Questions like these indicate a confusion between codependence and interdependence. The helpful question isn't whether you are self-reliant or independent enough, but rather how you are interdependent. When you ask yourself if you should be more self-reliant, what you’re really asking is if you are engaging in the web of interdependence in responsible ways. 

When contemplating this question, it is useful to examine interdependence and self-responsibility, and the relationship between them. 

Begin by reminding yourself that fundamentally every facet of your life relies on others. From the air you breathe to the many hands that bring you food and water, you are truly interdependent. Emotionally, you are also interdependent. Research is clear that human beings cannot thrive in isolation from other people. We need contact with each other to maintain emotional regulation, health, and resilience. This has become all too obvious during the pandemic.

Discerning what’s truly responsible requires careful reflection and consideration. Here are three ways to help you embody self-responsibility:

1. Identify Needs Within a Context

In any given context of life, ask yourself with whom, where, and when are you attempting to meet which needs. 

For example, you could examine the context of a friendship. What needs do you want to meet with this person when you spend time together? Are those needs being met? If so, how? If not, are there particular changes or requests you would like to make?

Does the other person want to meet the same needs as you in the friendship? Do you want to meet the needs they identify? Are you contributing in a way that is satisfying for you both?

Discerning with whom, where, and when you are attempting to meet which needs requires consistent attention and reflection. Giving your attention to this in a consistent way builds resilience and wisdom. Through such reflection you learn what truly contributes to your thriving and therefore can contribute effectively to the web of interdependence.

2. Attend to Mutuality and Consideration

Ask for feedback about what works and doesn't work for others.

Gathering experiential data not only gives you relief from doubts and persistent thoughts about whether a relationship is going well, but also provides opportunities for learning and transformation. Here are some examples of asking for feedback:

• Hey, I was wondering if bringing up that topic with you last night was a little much? Was it triggering for you to hear?

• Can you tell me if my request fits for the scope of this group?

• I want to check in about our time together, is it feeling mutual to you? Do you have any requests for next time we get together?

• Can we take a few minutes to talk about how we are working together and whether there is anything we want to change?

• How was it for you when I asked for advice about finances? Would you rather I ask someone else for help with that topic?

3. Tender Needs

You likely have one or two needs that come up more frequently than others. Usually those one or two are some version of safety, belonging, support, autonomy, appreciation, acceptance, being seen/heard, love, and inclusion. In MCD the term “tender needs” refers to needs that are associated with limiting beliefs (e.g., the world is a harsh place, I will always be abandoned, people only love me for what I do for them, etc.). These beliefs, along with the mental, physical, and emotional habits that go with them, create a sense of vulnerability which makes it easy to misperceive threat to that need. When reactivity around a tender goes unrecognized, you might find yourself attempting to meet the need through demands, criticism, anger storms, or withdrawing.

The presence of a tender need indicates the need for healing. This means intentionally seeking out multiple ways to meet this need and build confidence that it can be met. When someone says, “you need to do your personal work,” this is a large part of what they might be referring to. Self-responsibility includes dedicating time and attention to healing.

As you embrace the truth of interdependence at ever more subtle layers of living and relating, you will naturally be inspired to shift from ideas of self-reliance to embodying self-responsibility and tending to needs in a way that is life-serving for all.

Practice

This week as you are alone doing something nourishing for yourself, take a minute or two to reflect on the many beings, both past and present, that are supporting you in that activity.