Setting Boundaries with Reactivity

Reactivity is a normal part of being human. But that doesn’t mean you need to allow someone to vent it at you. As adults, we are responsible for managing reactivity and not letting it splash onto others. When we fail at this, we are responsible for initiating repair. Unfortunately, this may not be what was modeled for you growing up. You may imagine that name-calling, blaming, guilt-tripping, or stonewalling are acceptable parts of any relationship. Setting life-serving boundaries with these behaviors is not about expecting someone to be perfect. It’s about letting them know that you aren’t going to participate in those kinds of relationship dynamics. 

Let’s look at an example. A Wise Heart student shared that when his girlfriend engaged in name-calling and yelling, he would initially listen and try to defend himself and then he would walk out and call later to try to patch things up. When he called, rather than expressing how her behavior didn't meet needs for him, he attempted to soothe and reassure her and to reconnect the two of them.

He didn't wait for her to claim responsibility for her reactivity nor did he ask for repair. In this way, the two of them set a norm in their relationship in which venting reactivity is not only OK but leads to extra warmth and reassurance. Under the surface this creates piled-up resentment and hurt.

Setting a boundary around reactivity means knowing what really helps with handling difficulty and asking for that. In the example above, he might set a boundary by saying, "What you are saying sounds like judgment to me and I don’t want to hear it. I want to hear your feelings, needs, and requests in a lower volume. Please call me when you are willing to do that."

When they talk later, if she is able to express her experience without judgments of him, he might further set a boundary by letting her know that this approach to communication works for him and requesting that when reactivity is present they take a timeout until they can both communicate an internal experience rather than judgments. 

Reactive patterns persist when they are allowed to play out. They become well-worn habits. The moment you perceive reactivity in yourself or someone else release the topic at hand and shift to managing reactivity or setting a boundary. The tricky part is that some aspect of you believes that expressing yourself in this way will be effective in meeting your needs. Of course, your reactive behavior has been partially effective at one time or another or you would never have developed those habits. It is your greater awareness of the cost of your behavior that helps you interrupt reactive patterns and move toward what you truly want.

In the example above, even if this couple successfully has a dialogue that includes repair and boundary setting, they will still fall into the same reactive pattern again before they are able to access a different way of relating. The important difference is that each time one of them is able to interrupt the argument earlier, disengage, repair, and recommit to boundaries. Through repeated experiences of this cycle they will build a new norm in their relationship. They will create the new habit of revisiting the fact that a boundary was crossed, acknowledging the cost of that, engaging repair, and committing to what they need to do differently to support the new way of interacting in the midst of difficulty.

When you don’t have models of setting boundaries with reactivity, it is easy to imagine that to be a compassionate friend or partner you must remain in the reactive interaction until connection is achieved. Unfortunately, unless you are very grounded and can remain centered—offering empathy and honest expression—remaining in a reactive interaction typically means getting swept up in it. The two of you then both practice reactivity, reinforcing its hold on you. When you choose not to participate in reactivity, you call the other person forward into who they really want to be and you respect your own heart.

Practice

Take a moment now to reflect on a reactive pattern you have. Write down what it costs you (the negative results of these thoughts, feelings, and behaviors) and what needs this reactive pattern is trying to meet or protect. Write down examples of ways you have met this need when reactivity was not present.