You bristle.  You see her face and how upset she is and start to defend yourself.  At the speed of light jackals flood your consciousness with ideas that she is judging you and making you wrong.  If you are the wrong one here, then she'll break up with you.  Or worse yet, it will mean you are a bad person, an incompetent failure.  You better prove yourself.

Under the influence of defensiveness you quickly minimize her feelings and needs and start to make a case for how you are good person.  It might sound like this, "I arrive late one time and you get all upset.  You should be glad I made it.  I always call when I am late, which is rare, and this one time you have to make an issue of it!"

Now your partner is reacting too and begins to recount all the times you were late and makes a case for how difficult it has been for her dealing with your issues about being on time.

The conversation escalates into more disconnect from here.  How can you keep from getting caught in this painful pattern of attack -defend?

Here are three keys to hearing your partner's feelings, needs and requests in a way that creates connection.

1.  Connect with Yourself First:    Every time you feel the impulse to defend, you can connect with yourself in one or more of the following ways:

• Repeat a reminder phrase to yourself.  Maybe something like, "I'm not a bad person because my partner is upset."  Or  "This is not about me."  Or  "It's okay for my partner to be upset."  Or  "I can hear her without taking the blame."  Or  "I am feeling defensiveness and want to remind myself that I know my intentions are good and I am a good person."

• Do something physical to interrupt your defensive pattern like lean back in your chair, take three deep breaths, or take a bathroom break.

• Put your awareness in your heart.  You can put your hand on your heart and just acknowledge the difficulty and the longing to be seen and accepted.  Breath through your heart of you feel your hand there.

2.  Stay Specific and Now:  Only talk about the current situation.  If you think you are already doing what she is asking, then ask if she can be more specific about her request. For example, "When I think that I already did what you requested, I feel confused and need more clarity.  Can you tell me exactly what it would look like if your need was met?"

3.  Offer Empathy:  Reflecting back to your partner her feelings and needs not only helps her to know she is heard, but also can help you move out of right/wrong thinking.  The important part here is to connect her feeling to her need, e.g., "I hear you feel disappointed because you need predictability.", rather than, "I hear you feel disappointed because I let you down."

So often I hear couples try to give empathy when they are really assigning blame, e.g., "You feel disappointed because I didn't call."  While this is a common way of expressing, it perpetuates a sense of being responsible for each other feelings.  When this happens you miss out on the opportunity to choose from the heart to meet each other's needs.

Practice
This week, notice when you have the impulse to defend by explaining, justifying, minimizing, or building a case.  Choose one or more of the practice steps listed above.  Interrupt your habit of defending and practice with one of the steps above.  You could even ask the other person for a re-do after you have defended and try out one of these practices.

Gustav thinks Inez is threatening him for three reasons.  One, he recognizes that Inez has made a decision to behave a certain way based on his actions.  This idea of behavior dependent response is part of what defines a threat, but by itself does not typically imply threat.  For example, if Gustav began visiting his brother on Friday nights, Inez might say something like, "If you are going to visit your brother on Friday, I am going to go out with Susan."  This has the same element of behavior dependent response, but would not likely be heard as a threat.

The second reason Gustav thinks Inez is threatening him is that he interprets Inez's plan as an intention to hurt and punish him, not just to take care of herself.  The intention to hurt or punish another based on their behavior is what defines a threat.

The third reason, is that Inez's plan to leave the house and spend the night elsewhere means they will both lose out on any connection that might be possible under those circumstances.  Gustav experiences this lost opportunity as a punishment.

So how can Gustav and Inez avoid this merry-go-round of misunderstanding and pain?

Rather than just expressing her plan of action, Inez would have more luck with revealing her feelings and needs first.  It might sound like this:

Inez:  "Gustav, last night when you were drunk and talking to me in the way you did, I was feeling scared and hurt.  I needed safety and respect.  So I am wanting to take care of myself better the next time you are as intoxicated as you were last night.  I am thinking it might be best for me, if I just spend the night at my sister's if it happens again.  What do you think would be best?"

In this way Inez can open a dialogue around how she not only can take care of herself but also how the two of them may come up with strategies to care for each other and the relationship.

However, in some cases, negotiations have been made again and again around a particular need-costing behavior and there has been no change.  At this point, one partner may simply reach a tolerance limit.  That is, if Inez and Gustav have worked out various ways to handle this situation but despite their efforts it has ended in pain for them both, Inez may set a boundary by making a unilateral decision to take care of herself by leaving the house, with the intention to save them both from pain.  This kind of decision making can meet needs for structure and clarity in the relationship providing a clear message about what is not workable in the relationship.

Part of creating healthy relationships is recognizing the difference between what you are willing to work on in a relationship and what you are not.  You get to choose what you give your energy to.  When you communicate this clearly to others, they get to choose how to respond to you. 

Practice
Where in your relationships are you "putting up with something" you would rather not give your energy to?  Where in your relationships would you like to work on a change and haven't yet expressed your observations, feelings, needs, and requests?  Take a moment now to answer each of these questions for yourself and identify your feelings and needs in the situations you named.

***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs

If you are deciding to build trust with your partner, then there are some key distinctions to make.   First, you want to ask what it is that you already trust your partner about.

Trust is contextual.  You may trust your partner around many things; for example, to drive safely, to fix the plumbing, and to be a caring parent.

Second, ask what you would like to be able to trust?  Here are some things I have heard couples name over the years:

-to tell the truth

-to manage anger rather than giving vent to it

-to listen with attention and curiosity

-to identify reactivity when it comes up

-to consider how one's behavior will impact family and partner

-to work through judgments and get to feelings and needs

-to express love in a way that meets the need for love

-to see each other's core goodness

Third, once you have named the kind of trust you want to build, check-in with yourself about how you are blocking or cultivating that trust.

Let's use the first one as an example.  When I have worked with couples who are suffering from one partner's infidelity, the other partner usually says, "I want to be able to trust that s/he will tell the truth."

Tragically, I often see that when one partner dares to share the truth of a hurt and unmet need the other partner reacts with his or her own pain and unmet needs.  The conversation quickly spirals into a contest in suffering.  Telling the truth in this kind of dynamic does not create trust.

If you are asking your partner to tell the truth, ask of yourself, "What am I doing that makes it easy or difficult to express the truth?" 

Truth telling happens at many levels.  If the mundane truth telling of present moment experience is embraced, trust is built for more complex or vulnerable truths to come forward.

For example, when your partner expresses his or her truth about hating their job, you have the opportunity to respond with compassion rather than offer advice, make your own complaints, or tell him or her to be thankful to even have a job.  Responding to your partner's sharing with your own agenda, advice, opinion, analysis or judgment, blocks the building of trust.  Just a simple response like, "Sounds like you were miserable today at work, huh?"  Builds a safe space for sharing.

Lastly, it helps to make very specific requests of your partner.  Let him or her know exactly what would build trust for you.  For example, when building trust in regards to telling the truth, as your partner shares events from work, you might ask her to also share how she was affected.  When you make these types of small and specific requests consistently and your partner responds willingly, trust is built over time. 

Remember requests to your partner that sound like this, "Be more open, talk more about your internal world, be more considerate, be less reactive, etc." usually won't be helpful because they don't point to a specific and do-able action in the present moment.  Insteady, ask yourself:  "If connection and trust were being built right now, what would be happening - what would I and/or my partner be saying or doing?"

Practice
Take a moment now to consider what you already trust with your partner, what you would like to build more trust around.  Ask yourself if there any ways in which you are blocking the building of that particular kind of trust.  What would it look like if that trust were being built -  what specific requests would like to make of yourself and/or your partner?

Anything you do can slip from conscious action to meet needs to unconscious strategies.  Intimate relationship is especially vulnerable to this slippery slope. It triggers the wounds from your first intimate relationship with your parents and the drive to integrate and heal.

This drive to be fully integrated in body, emotion, and energy is a fundamental part of you.  If you have wounding experiences of your past that have never been brought into the light of conscious awareness and met with empathy and compassion, they exist as unintegrated entities of sorts in your physical-emotional-energy body.  As a result, your drive to integrate operates unconsciously.  This most commonly shows up as partnering with someone who is similar to your mother or father.  You unconsciously choose to repeat the relational patterns of childhood, hoping that this time healing and integration will happen.

When there is enough resource in both you and your partner and support from others, this kind of healing and integration can happen in a healthy and effective way.  However, when those resources aren't present, the relationship can become a re-wounding experience.

From a reactive place, you can swing to either end of the pole regarding intimate relationship.  You might decide that because in the past you had a relationship that was a re-wounding experience, you will not enter relationship again until you have worked on yourself.  This seems a good idea, except that "working on yourself" can slip into simple long term avoidance and fear of never being ready.

On the other end of the reactive pole, you find yourself glued to a wounding relationship, driven to make it work, as if your very survival depended on it.  The stressful days out number the joyful days 5 to 1 but you keep at it, becoming more depleted over time.

Being caught in either of these poles is a sign that you need support from individuals or groups that can meet you with compassion and help you be with the pain and fear so that you can relax into what's really true for you and make decisions from a grounded place.

With adequate support and groundedness, you can engage in intimate relationship as a conscious decision to meet your needs and the needs of your partner and, ideally, become a collaborative team that is a contribution to your community.

Practice

Take a few moments now to reflect on the decisions you make regarding intimate relationship.  You can discern if you are making decisions from one of the reactive poles, by asking yourself some of these questions:  Am I am making decisions quickly without reflection?  Do I have a sense of being trapped?  Do I feel like I am being pulled in by tractor beam?  Do I have a long list activities or work projects that keep me from engaging intimately?  Do I assume I know what my partner is feeling and needing and thinking about me?

The tricky part is disconnecting in a connecting and honest way.

Believe it or not this has been one of the most difficult expressions for me to find words for.  I realized that most often in my life that I have just avoided someone rather than express that I don't want to be friends.  This doesn't meet my needs for honesty and integrity.

After much reflection, I finally came back to aliveness.   Aliveness is a more general way to speak about feelings and needs.  When I reflect on my own struggle with a person who is requesting a friendship with me, I realize that I have been all over the map – judging and analyzing her, judging myself, considering my needs and considering hers.  It hasn't helped me find my way to expression.

However, when I do some basic observations regarding our interactions, (e.g. what she talks about, what she does with her free time, what questions she asks of me), I notice that what is alive for her is not alive for me.

You might be saying "Duh, LaShelle, that's basics – you don't have much in common."  True, this is pretty basic stuff.  It seems like the basic stuff is hard to get to when emotions are involved.  Not wanting to "hurt her feelings", that is, feeling worried because of my needs for honesty and to contribute to her well being, my mind moved to its habitual problem solving strategy – analyzing her and me.  This is not only ineffective, it also feels yucky!

Grounded in the basics of neutral observations and what's alive this how the conversation might sound:

Her:  So when are we getting together?

Me:  Hmm, you know what I have been noticing is that it is really alive for you to talk about politics, gender differences, the differences between various world cultures and what you like and don't like about them, and the latest music you have discovered.  These are passions for you.  You light up when you talk about them.

For me there isn't aliveness around these things.  So when we are together I feel disconnected because I am missing a sharing about something that is important to both of us.  I am wondering if I am being clear, can you tell me what you are getting from what I am saying?

Her:  You are not interested in what I am interested in and you feel disconnected when you are with me.

Me:  Yeah.

Her:  Oh.

Me:  So it's not alive for me to get together cuz it seems to me that we just have different interests.

Her:  Oh, okay.

If this person has been in your life a long time, I am imagine the dialogue might continue and you might get to more specific feelings and needs, but for someone new in your life just some clear observations free of judgment and your aliveness about them is likely enough.

You can't prevent this person from hearing you with jackal* ears.  No matter how neutral and specific your observations, they may think you are judging their interests as foolish and thus feel hurt.  Seeing hurt in their face, you might offer empathy, "Some disappointment for you?"  or "You're maybe hearing what I say as a judgment so some hurt comes up?"  You can also remain silent saying a prayer in your heart for them to find happiness and holding a faith that they will recover from this momentary hurt (and later most likely feel relieved about their need for clarity being met).

Take a moment now to reflect on a similar situation in your own life.  Is there someone in your life seeking connection with you that you have been avoiding?  Make three neutral observations regarding your interactions with them and notice where your aliveness is.  See if you can just notice your lack of aliveness, without making a value judgment about who they are or the choices they make.

*jackals refer to any language or thoughts that disconnect us from life. **giraffe refers to shifting into an interest in connecting to the feelings and needs in yourself and others. ***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs

http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php

Connect with yourself.

Ever had the experience in which someone wanted to be friends with you and you weren't interested?  They kept asking about getting together and you kept making excuses about why you couldn't do it.

Feels yucky to answer dishonestly and yet not know how to answer in a way that won't hurt their feelings.  So, what to do?

One, there is to get clear about "hurting other's feelings."  You don't have the power to "hurt someone's feelings".  People feel hurt, pain, sadness, etc. relative to their own thoughts and needs.

On the other hand, you can, if you choose to, care for others in your words and actions. One important step is taking responsibility for yourself by identifying the cause of your thoughts and behaviors as your own needs.

When you don't like someone you are likely judging them.  On the surface you tell yourself that this person is too this or too that.  You think your "no" to connection with them is about them. Your "no" isn't about them, it's about you.

You have particular values/needs, preferences, and priorities.  You make a guess that at this time in your life hanging out with this person won't meet your needs. Honoring yourself and the other is about expressing what's true for you at a feelings and needs level.

First, name the needs you want to protect with your "no".  Then express them in a way you think the other person can connect to.

Let's say your story about this person is that they are not your peer, they won't contribute to you, on the contrary, you are afraid that with the suffering they are in they will drag you down or just bore you.  You might identify feelings of nervousness, discomfort, or dread.  The needs you want to protect might be ease around mutual understanding, support, and learning.

Take a moment now to reflect on your interactions with someone you avoid or don't want in your life.  Identify the feelings and needs that come up for when you think of interacting with this person.

***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs

http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php

What gets in your way of coming up with a request?

At a basic level, making effective requests requires clarity and connection with the feelings and needs alive in you and the specific context in which they arose. Brainstorming requests also requires a sense of flexibility or openness to a variety of ways in which your needs could be met.

I notice that even when students of Compassionate Communication really get this, they still have difficulty making requests.

There is often jackal voices getting in the way. Take a look at the list below and see if you have said any of these things to yourself.

"I don't want to be a burden for others."

"What if I ask for something and then it actually doesn't meet my needs? I want to make the right request."

"It's not okay for me to want what I want."

"I can't have everything. I should just be happy with what is."

"I don't trust that this person would really want to help me."

"They won't care about my needs."

"I should be able to do it on my own."

"It's too much to ask."

"I don't want to be selfish."

Sound familiar?

In working with these voices you might first offer self-empathy.

For example, hearing yourself say, "It's not okay for me to want what I want." You might be feeling tense and needing self-acceptance. Like all of us, you have likely received a lot of messages that it's not okay to have needs. You may want to spend a few moments each day looking at the needs list and affirming that having and acknowledging needs is part of being fully human.

Hearing yourself say, "It's too much to ask." You might be feeling concern because it's important to you to consider the needs of others as well as your own. When you make a request you may want to let the other person know how important it is to you that they say yes to your request only if it really works for them.

Another important point in working with these obstacles is to remember that the single most fun thing for humans to do is to contribute to life. You might be saying, "If that's the case, why doesn't my daughter help around the house?"

People love to contribute when the need and request are clear and when they know they are freely choosing to do so.

This became very clear to me when I broke my leg. A cast and crutches were very clear indicators about the needs that were up for me. The actions that would help me were also pretty obvious. This made it fun and easy for people to give. I had almost constant help and support. It really showed me how much people love giving.

Your needs and requests are a gift to others. When you allow others to give to you, you help meet their need for contribution – the joy of giving.

Practice

Challenge yourself to make three requests this week. And of course remember the basics about effective requests:

• Clearly connected to needs
• Do-able: a request answers these questions – What? Who? Where? When? How long? How often?
• Ask for what you want rather than what you don't want. For example, "I'm needing consideration and predictability. Would you be willing to call if you are going to be more than five minutes late for future meetings?" Rather than, "Please don't be late to our meetings."
• Let the other person know that you would like them to say yes to your request only if it is in harmony with their own needs.

Feel free to start your request practice with little ones that are easier for you to make.

Other times it is less clear.A Gem reader offered this example of her daughter calling from college."I studied really hard and thought I had done really well.  But I didn't get a good score!  What did I do wrong?"

In this example, our reader mentioned that her daughter was so upset it was difficult to understand her.How can you respond and connect in this situation?

First, as a parent you may want to pause and give yourself empathy:"Hearing my daughter is so upset I feel tense and worried because I want her to be okay.I notice I am telling myself that I have to be helpful here.I want to take a deep breath right now and remind myself that the best thing I can do is listen."

Next, especially if she is really upset, it can be grounding just to repeat back the details and get clarity on what actually happened (Observation)."Yea, you worked hard to prepare and thought your score would be higher. What score did you get?"This piece is important, because the score may actually be passing or above, but the daughter's jackals are screaming because they want a perfect score.Getting clear on this can create space from those jackals.

Then offer empathy for feelings and needs."Yea, and it really sucks for you because it's important to you to do well."

If your daughter answers, "Well, duh." That's her way of saying yes.Then you can offer the next level of empathy. "Sounds like this is especially frustrating cuz you are not understanding what happened."

If your daughter is able to receive your empathy, you will hear an exhale and softening in her voice.If not, she may have jackals howling in her ears and respond accordingly with:"That's what I just said!"

If this is the case, you might help her name the jackals."I am guessing you are giving yourself a hard time about this."

Daughter:"I should have done better."

You:"Hard not to get on your own case about it, huh."

Daughter:"Yea."

You:"I am guessing you feel hopeless when you work hard and don't get the result you want."(If jackals are particularly loud, it's a good bet that hopelessness and despair are underneath them).

At this point, your daughter might offer more about the hopelessness which you can continue to meet with empathy or she may spontaneously ground herself with what is not hopeless.Resist the temptation to do this grounding for her immediately.This will be more powerful if she comes to it on her own.

A conversation in which empathy was given and received is completed with a request/plan of action to meet the needs identified.There may be a request/plan of action for each need identified.In this example, the needs are for clarity, competency, and self-acceptance.You can move the conversation to this step by asking, "Is there something you would like to do or is something I can do around this?" She may ask for some direct advice about how to better prepare for tests, or she may spontaneously come up with a plan of her own.Either of you might offer how she could meet her need for self-acceptance.If this step seems difficult and laborious, then you likely need to back up and offer more empathy.There are probably unidentified feelings and needs up for your daughter.

This week listen for cries for empathy underneath questions.When someone in upset asks you a question, resist the temptation to answer them directly.Offer grounding by asking for clarity about the situation and/or offer empathy by guessing their feelings and needs.

"I had a situation with my daughter the other day where she was clearly unhappy.  She said that I only ever talked about her sister, never her, and never spent any time with her.  I was sad that she thought that was true, but wanted to engage with her and address her feelings/needs.  I guessed that she was jealous and needed some attention and empathy.  I tried, "It looks like you're angry…" and she interrupted to say she wasn't angry.  I tried, "Maybe you're frustrated…" but she cut me off again and said I was trying to tell her how she felt.  I backed up and said that I really wanted to understand what she was feeling and would like to know how she was feeling.  She said that she was upset because I never… or I always…  So I said, "Ok, you're upset…" and she said, "No! Stop telling me how I feel!'"

In this example, my guess is the daughter wants her reality acknowledged.Whether what she says is true or not, it is her experience.Meeting her in her jackals might sound something like this:

"So you're thinking I never talk about you or haven't spent time with you the way I have with your sister?"

The phrase "you're thinking" acknowledges the jackals without agreeing or disagreeing.

If the daughter reacts and says, "I am not just thinking it.It's true!"I might respond like this:

"Yea, this has been your experience of it and it's been painful, uh?"

My guess is that at this point the daughter could begin to acknowledge the emotion or might go into describing the specific instances she is reacting to.No doubt before expressing this she has tallied up a variety of examples in her mind or at least one important event.

The important points here to remember about offering empathy are this:

If you guess a feeling and the other reacts, they probably want their jackal reality acknowledged first.

Acknowledging someone's jackal doesn't mean agreeing or disagreeing.

Your ability to meet someone in their jackal will depend on your awareness and checking of your impulse to defend, apologize, or educate.

If you guess a need and encounter resistance, you might try guessing the feelings first, and vice versa.

This week, experiment with meeting someone's jackal before guessing a feeling or need.

*jackals refer to any language or thoughts that disconnect us from life.

**giraffe refers to shifting into an interest in connecting to the feelings and needs in yourself and others.

When you react towards your partner with sharp words, an angry rant, or sudden shut down, your partner is left feeling hurt, disheartened, and/or frustrated and probably needing consideration and caring.  From his pain he might burst forth and tell you never to do that again.  You agree not to react that way again, but sadly, you and your partner may find yourself repeating this cycle anyway.

It's important to set boundaries around behaviors you are not willing to engage with in your relationship.  While knowing and maintaining these boundaries is essential, it is only one step in handling reactivity in your relationship.

Having do-able agreements about how to handle reactivity is another important step.  Making agreements around reactivity requires that you accept that the same reaction will occur again. Accepting this you then have two tasks.  

First, take time to reflect on your reaction.  Name all the little signs that lead up to it.  Look at all dimensions of your experience:  thoughts, energy, posture, behavior, physiology, impulses, feelings, and beliefs.  Also, take note of the circumstances preceding your reaction like:  lack of sleep or food, just before a work deadline, a stressful time with family, etc.  The more you know about your reactivity the more you can anticipate it arising, the more quickly you can intervene with yourself.

Second, shift your focus from what you won't do to what you will do.  Make an agreement with your partner about what you will do at the first sign of reactivity.  Small do-able behavioral responses to reactivity often include things like this:  take three deep breaths before speaking, ask for a time-out, say "I'm reacting, could you say that in another way?", decide on a nonverbal signal to stop action - like putting your hand on your heart, go for a walk, etc.

If you and your partner have an agreement about how you will meet reactivity and can keep that agreement, the occurence of reactivity can be trust building rather trust eroding.

Practice

When you hear someone you love expressing difficult emotions, it's natural to feel uncomfortable and have the impulse to move away from the pain.  You might do this by reassuring, giving advice, correcting perceptions, reframing an issue, redirecting attention, telling a story, offering analysis, etc.  When you respond in these ways, the message often received by the listener is "my feelings (or my experiences) aren't valid" or "there is no room for my feelings here."

Of course, your intention is not to invalidate another's feelings.  You want to help.  When your partner complains about "being invalidated", you might feel confused needing clarity about what you are doing that your partner is reacting to.

Here are some examples of responses (in bold) that might be perceived as "invalidating".  I have followed those with an example of a possible empathetic response.

Speaker:  I just hate Christmas.
Responder:  I worked so hard to make everything perfect for you and your family.  I made the dinner. I . . .

Empathic Response:  Something about Christmas really stresses you out, huh?

Speaker:  I am exhausted and starving.
Responder:  You shouldn't push yourself so hard.

Empathic Response:  Ready for rest and food, huh?

Speaker:  I am dying inside.  I need some time to find me.
Responder: Couples who separate don't usually get back together.

Empathic Response:  Sounds like you are feeling desperate to be more connected with youself?

Speaker:  I am so shocked.  I can't believe you said that.
Responder:  Come on, it's not a big deal.  I was just joking.

Empathic Response:  Upsetting?

Speaker:  I am a little spooked by our neighbor.
Responder:  Ahh, he's just eccentric.  Don't worry so much.

Empathic Response:  Something about him has you unsettled, huh?

Over time, little comments like the ones in bold add up and block the lines of communication.

One of the biggest gifts you can give to someone expressing difficulty is your listening. To do this consistently for others means becoming aware of and comfortable with your own difficulty.  The most direct practice I know of for learning to be with your own discomfort without reacting is sitting still.  Whether you sit on a chair, on a cushion, or on your bed, sit still and upright for a pre-set amount of time each day.  As you sit, notice and say "that's okay" to all of the feelings, sensations, and impulses that move through you.  Little by little this still witnessing and accepting of your internal world helps to create a space between you and your reactions.  When you have space, wisdom and compassion can flow through.

This week try this sitting practice.  Start with an amount of time that feels do-able to you.  It can be as

little as five minutes.  Experienced sitters sit at least one hour a day.

Also, notice which of the types of responses (reassuring, giving advice, correcting perceptions, reframing an issue, redirecting attention, telling a story, offering analysis) you tend to give when someone expresses difficulty.  Choose one relationship this week in which you will practice an empathic response as your first response to the other's expression of difficulty or celebration.

Integrity

Integrity and responsibility are unique needs in that they are met or unmet relative only to your own behavior. When your need for integrity is unmet there is a mismatch between your behavior and the values you hold. For example, if you value sustainability and you buy produce from Peru, you may not be meeting your need for integrity. If you have this value and watch your friend Patrick buy produce from Peru, your unmet needs are for caring or nurturing regarding our planet.

Thus, you might say something to Patrick like:

"When I see that asparagus from Peru in your basket and I think about all the petroleum it took to get it here, I feel sad because my need for the health of our planet is up. I am wondering if you would be willing to consider other produce that is grown closer to home?"

Patrick might look confused and surprised at the unusual way you talk and your directness, but he is less likely to get defensive.

You may encounter defensiveness if instead, you said to Patrick: "When I see that asparagus from Peru in your basket and I think about all the petroleum it took to get it here, I feel frustrated because it doesn't meet my need for integrity. I am wondering if you would be willing to consider other produce that is grown closer to home?"

Patrick doesn't immediately connect to your need for integrity here because for him a different view of the same situation may meet his need for integrity. He might instead hear you judging him as someone without integrity. (Yikes, which you might be doing).

Responsibility

The need for responsibility often comes up when we hear others attributing the cause of their own behavior to a force outside of themselves. In frustration you might hear yourself say, "You are the one who created this mess and I want you to take responsibility for it!" The other person likely reacts to this with one of the four basic jackal reactions – defend, attack back, submit, or withdraw.

When you notice that you are tempted to tell someone to take responsibility, ask needs are up for you. It is from these needs that honest expression begins. Let's look at an example.

Again, the need for responsibility arises out of your relationship to your situation. For example, if you take on three projects at work and don't finish any by the time you said you would, you are not meeting your need for responsibility. If your co-worker does the same with three projects, the needs unmet for you are likely to be trust, mutuality, and teamwork.

Often in Nonviolent Communication (NVC) I have heard students state their unmet need based on an assessment of the other. This is still working in a jackal consciousness. Thus, the other person hears the assessment and reacts regardless of your syntactically perfect NVC.

Living from a NVC consciousness means continually summoning the courage to express what is most deeply important to you. If you think you are expressing a need and you don't feel nervous, vulnerable, or open, then I would make a guess that you are not expressing the feeling and need that is most alive for you.

Practice
Take a moment now to think of the last time you thought of someone as irresponsible. Think of what they did that stimulated that judgment in you. Now connect with what feeling and need that came up for you when they behaved as they did. What would you like to do or ask to meet that need for yourself?

One, you're less likely to play a silent guessing game with your partner and then resent each other later because the guesses weren't accurate. 

Two, you become interdependent rather co-dependent.  In a co-dependent relationship you have a sense of obligation and assume responsibility for each other's feelings and needs in an unspoken and often unconscious way.  In an interdependent relationship you choose from your heart to contribute to your partner's well being based on clarity about what truly is a contribution.

Though you may clearly intend to create an interdependent relationship, making specific requests to have your needs met can be a scary thing.  You and your partner may both have grown up learning that it is selfish to have needs much less make requests about them.  Even more difficult is the possibility of hearing "no" and thinking it's a form of personal rejection.

Here's a few ways you can make it safe to make requests in your relationship.

1.  Check In.  Create the habit of checking in frequently with each other throughout the day.  Each transition is a prime time to ask, "What needs are up for you?  Do you have any requests?"  This is also a good question to ask when planning trips and making big decisions.  My partner and I often revisit decisions and plans several times to discern what needs we hope to meet and if the decision or plan is in alignment with them.

2.  Affirm the request and ask more about it.  Checking in will get easier and easier if you take time to affirm what you hear your partner asking for before you answer.  For example, imagine your partner asks if you would like to go for a walk after dinner, pause to connect with the need behind the request before you respond.  You may have been running around all day and that last thing you want to do is go for a walk.  You may feel a surge of tiredness and overwhelm.  Take a breath.  Don't answer your partner from your overwhelm.  Remind yourself that you always get to choose for yourself. 

For just a moment set your reaction aside and really hear your partner.  You can affirm that you enjoy the fact that your partner is reaching out just by repeating the request, "a walk after dinner, huh."  If your partner didn't say the need connected to the request you can make a guess, "Wanting some exercise or time to connect?"

3.  Share the "yes" before the "no".  When you say no to a request you are saying yes to other needs getting met.  The word no can create a sense of rejection or disconnect pretty quickly.  Rather than saying the word no, express the needs to which you are saying yes.  Using the example about asking for a walk you might say, "Right now I notice I am feeling tired and needing some rest.  How about I take a nap after dinner and then walk with you for 20 minutes before bed?"

4.  Practice with Little Requests.  You can help requests to become a regular part of your relationship by letting yourself get playful with little requests that are easy for you to make.

4.  Ask each other.  Take some time to share what else specifically creates safety for each of you.  You might be surprised at how easy it can be to contribute to a sense of safety for your partner.

Take a few moments now to connect with a need and request you can express to your partner today.

According to research, couples who maintain long term healthy relationships consistently attune to each other and repair disconnect when it occurs.  Attunement, in this context, can be described in a number of ways.  When you and your partner are in attunement, you consistently acknowledge each other's experience with some form of verbal or nonverbal expression.  Attuning might include a simple "uh-huh", eye contact and a smile, affectionate touch, noticing a physical detail (like a new haircut), a question about or verbal reflection of what was said, a guess at feelings and needs, and/or an emotional / energetic resonance with your partner's state.

You and your partner's ability to attune with each other, allows you to feel a secure sense of bond.  This in turn engenders an easy acceptance of differences in which you both have space to be authentic and to follow your unique interests without it being perceived as a threat to the relationship.

Even though you are committed to being attuned to each other, attunement failures are bound to happen.  For example, imagine you have had a stressful day at work and you and your partner are on an evening walk.  She begins to share something vulnerable about herself and you are suddenly distracted by your dislike of a construction project in your neighborhood and start talking about it.  For your partner (if she is attuned to her own experience), there is likely a sense of hurt, loneliness, or jolt in that moment.  If either of you ignore this attunement failure, no matter how small you might say it is, trust begins to erode in your relationship.

Being able to repair small or large attunement failures, on the other hand, builds trust.  Over time you begin to trust that neither of you has to be perfect for the relationship to work.  You trust that one or both of you are committed to seeking repair when disconnect happens.  

Repair in the example above might sound like this:  "Hey, I just got distracted and cut you off.  I'm sorry.  Hearing you is important to me.  I'm listening, would you be willing to try again?"*  Just like attunement, repair can take many forms.  It might look like a few seconds of a warm smile, an acknowledgement of grumpiness, an expression of appreciation, an hour of empathy and honest expression, physical intimacy, etc.

If you are not repairing with your partner several times a week, it likely means that you are not catching attunement failures as they happen.  You can help yourself become more aware of attunement by simply asking your partner what contributes to a sense of attunement for her and sharing the same for yourself.

Practice

This week, pay special attention to how you are already attempting to attune with your partner.  Are you offering verbal reflection, curiosity, anticipating a need of hers, guessing a feeling?  What else?

 *For more details on repair see these articles on my website:

http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/148

http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/200

What gets in your way of coming up with a request?

At a basic level, making effective requests requires clarity and connection with the feelings and needs alive in you and the specific context in which they arose. Brainstorming requests also requires a sense of flexibility or openness to a variety of ways in which your needs could be met.

I notice that even when students of Compassionate Communication really get this, they still have difficulty making requests.

There are often jackal voices getting in the way. Take a look at the list below and see if you have said any of these things to yourself.

"I don't want to be a burden for others."

"What if I ask for something and then it actually doesn't meet my needs? I want to make the right request."

"It's not okay for me to want what I want."

"I can't have everything. I should just be happy with what is."

"I don't trust that this person would really want to help me."

"They won't care about my needs."

"I should be able to do it on my own."

"It's too much to ask."

"I don't want to be selfish."

Sound familiar?

In working with these voices you might first offer self-empathy.

For example, hearing yourself say, "It's not okay for me to want what I want." You might be feeling tense and needing self-acceptance. Like all of us, you have likely received a lot of messages that it's not okay to have needs. You may want to spend a few moments each day looking at the needs list and affirming that having and acknowledging needs is part of being fully human.

Hearing yourself say, "It's too much to ask." You might be feeling concern because it's important to you to consider the needs of others as well as your own. When you make a request you may want to let the other person know how important it is to you that they say yes to your request only if it really works for them.

Another important point in working with these obstacles is to remember that the single most fun thing for humans to do is to contribute to life. You might be saying, "If that's the case, why doesn't my daughter help around the house?"

People love to contribute when the need and request are clear and when they know they are freely choosing to do so.

This became very clear to me when I broke my leg. A cast and crutches were very clear indicators about the needs that were up for me. The actions that would help me were also pretty obvious. This made it fun and easy for people to give. I had almost constant help and support. It really showed me how much people love giving.

Your needs and requests are a gift to others. When you allow others to give to you, you help meet their need for contribution - the joy of giving.

Challenge yourself to make three requests this week. And of course remember the basics about effective requests:

• Clearly connected to needs
• Do-able: a request answers these questions - What? Who? Where? When? How long? How often?
• Ask for what you want rather than what you don't want. For example, "I'm needing consideration and predictability. Would you be willing to call if you are going to be more than five minutes late for future meetings?" Rather than, "Please don't be late to our meetings."
• Let the other person know that you would like them to say yes to your request only if it is in harmony with their own needs.

Feel free to start your request practice with little ones that are easier for you to make.

What you really want in relationship is collaboration – a mutual effort to ensure everyone's needs are met.  Why does this seem like an impossible dream?

When you are stuck in your favorite strategies, options are few and it seems there is no way to meet everyone's needs.  When you are connected to needs options are endless.  Often with a heart connection, your needs shift and you let go of an idea not out of compromise, but out of a genuine need to contribute to your partner's well-being.

Getting to the needs can be the tricky part.  I won't lie to you; it takes a strong commitment to mindful living to make the shift from thinking in strategies to living from needs.

It's helpful in making the shift to recognize the beliefs behind compromise and those behind collaboration.  Here are a few you can track. I have written examples of compromise first and that of collaboration second in italics.

I have to give up what I want to make this relationship work. 
Vs.
This relationship will only work if I am loyal and honest in my feelings and needs and am willing to connect to your feelings and needs.

I have too many needs.  I just have to cut them off.
Vs.
All my needs are valid and can be met in ways I haven't yet imagined.

We just have different needs and have to accept that.
Vs.
We have the same needs that come up at different times and are met in different ways.  It's essential to embrace our differences around the ways our needs are met.

If you loved me you would know my needs and how to meet them.
Vs.
I have different needs alive every moment and it is my responsibility to let you know what they are how they are met (they may be met by you or someone else).

I am responsible for fixing your problems and anticipating both your needs and requests
Vs.
I hold you responsible for your own needs and requests.  I don't offer problem solving or advice unless you ask me, and even I really make sure I understand your experience before offering my view.

Perhaps the most difficult part of embracing the consciousness of true collaboration is getting honest about certain things your partner may never really want to do with you.  For example, you may be passionate about kayaking and find that it meets so many needs for you that you can't imagine not sharing this incredible activity with your partner.  Your partner goes kayaking to please you, but doesn't really enjoy it, especially not the way you do.  Afterwards you feel disappointed because your need for celebration wasn't met.  Instead of admitting that your partner just doesn't enjoy kayaking you try to talk her into liking it and look for just the perfect way to go kayaking so that she will finally see how great it is. 

I have worked with couples who spent decades pleading with each other to do that one favorite activity together.  Sadly this pattern deposits buckets of resentment into the relationship.  From a consciousness of collaboration you honor and perhaps mourn the differences between the two of you and then ask these questions:  "What could we do together that we both easily enjoy?"  "For that which I am passionate about and my partner is not, am I willing to find friends with which to share that activity?"
 

Practice
This week watch for a situation in which you are tempted to compromise.  It often comes in the form of thinking you have to do something for someone else.  Take stock of what needs you're hoping to meet by doing that and what needs you think might be at cost.  What would it look like to enter that situation from the consciousness of collaboration?  Which of the collaboration beliefs, written in italics above, are most relevant to the situation?

***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs
 

Let's start with a basic definition of a demand. When you hear no in response to asking someone to do something and you react by applying more pressure for a yes or by punishing him or her, you are in demand energy.  Another way of saying this is that you are willing to meet your needs at the cost of another's needs.

Punishment has a broad definition here.  It can be something as subtle as pulling your attention away from someone by not making eye contact or as obvious as telling them what a jerk they are not doing what you ask.

If you find yourself making demands, the first thing you need to do is give yourself some compassion.  Most of us didn't have models for making true requests and negotiating ways in which everyone's needs can be met.  In fact, compromise, in which both, you and the other, give up some needs, is often encouraged. Getting from making demands to making requests requires awareness of your needs and taking responsibility for meeting them in a variety of ways.

There are two kinds of thinking that are most likely to give rise to demands.  One is thinking that there is just one way to meet a particular need of yours in the moment.  When you've had a conflict with your partner, and are feeling hurt and scared wanting resolution and connection, you can slip into demand by thinking that talking with your partner is the only way to meet these needs.  You might hear yourself saying, "We have to talk about this!"

Demand energy can also be more mundane.  For example, this morning I couldn't get my printer to work.  Various demanding expletives left my mouth letting my printer know what it had to do.  After walking away for a few minutes I could remind myself that my needs for efficiency and support can met be met in other ways and at other times.  My anger dissolved.

The second kind of thinking that gives rise to demands is that others have an obligation to meet your needs in a particular way.  This usually happens when you relate to someone as playing a role in your life rather than just as another person.  For example, you think your boss should meet your need for security by paying you on time, your partner should meet your need for love by touching you, your mom should meet your need for nurturing by knowing what you need.

I mention these common assumptions to emphasize that it's not about whether your expectations in a particular relationship are judged as reasonable or unreasonable. It's about remembering and honoring that the other person is always at choice.  Coming from this consciousness, it is easier to open a dialogue with someone who is not meeting your needs.

This week as you ask others to do things notice your willingness to hear "no" as an invitation to dialogue or meet your need in another way.  This is the consciousness of making requests.

Next week I will write about the subtleties of hearing demands

***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs

http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php

As I coach folks in expressing their observation, feeling, need, and request, they often skip the internal observation – their assumptions and interpretations.

The result is continued disconnect and a request that doesn't seem to fit what is said and is often not do-able.

I'll use an example from a couple, Kelly and Chris to illustrate.

Kelly says, "When I see the shopping receipt, I feel irritated because I want honesty. Would you be willing to tell me the truth?!"

In this example, it's not clear what stimulated the feeling and need for Kelly and she doesn't make a specific request.

If, on the other hand, attention is given to an internal observation, observation of her assumption the whole dialogue changes.

Kelly instead says, "When I see the shopping receipt (external observation), I have a thought that you are hiding your spending from me (internal observation).  I feel nervous and need some clarity. Would you be willing to tell me if you are afraid to share with me about spending money?

So let's say in this case, Chris answers Kelly and says, "Yes, it's true I am afraid to share with you."

Kelly can ask Chris to share the observations, feelings, and needs, and requests about spending money and how they talk about it.

Chris might say, "When I considered mentioning it, I had a thought that you would criticize me or that we would fight. I feel frustrated because I want to trust that we can have respectful conversations about money.  Can you tell me what you are hearing me say?"

Kelly reflects back what she heard and then they begin to brainstorm ways they can build a sense of trust and safety around money conversations.

Practice
This week, when you find yourself reacting to something stop and ask the question, "What did I just make that mean? What story am I telling myself about that?" Then name the feelings and needs that are alive behind the interpretations and stories.

Self-empathy is meant to allow space for you to experience all that is alive in you with acceptance and honor for that experience.

Self-empathy isn't meant to be an elixir that removes unpleasant feelings.

I often think of feelings as energy entities that want to be known – experienced fully and acknowledged. Sometimes this takes a few minutes, sometimes a few hours or days or weeks.

What I call "being a big container" means allowing feelings to be there. You notice a feeling as it arises and say something like, "Okay, I notice I am feeling hurt right now. That's okay to feel. I don't have to do something about it nor push it away."  Then you get to know the feeling by paying attention to it in specific ways.  You can ask yourself questions like this:

• Where in my body do I feel this feeling?
• How much space does this feelings take up in my body?
• What's the texture of this feeling - sharp, dull, rough, slick...?
• Does this feeling move or stay still?
• What's the energetic quality of the feeling - heavy, light, expansive, contracted, busy, scattered, dense...?

When you interrupt mental habit energy by mindfully attending to what is alive in you, you create a spaciousness in your consciousness. This means that unpleasant feelings can arise and be there without a reaction from you. When you are not in reaction to your own internal experience, you can continue to function and be attentive to others, your work, your bicycle ride, etc.

A simple mindfulness practice to begin with involves cultivating an  "acceptance voice". Find a short phrase that helps you accept your internal experience. Mine is simply, "That's okay". I have practiced this voice so much that it now arises of its own accord when needed.

Meditation is an ideal situation for this practice. When you sit quietly with the intention to stay in the present, your mind invariably wanders off and a variety of sensations and feelings arise. Each time you notice your mind wandering or a sensation or feeling arises, repeat your acceptance phrase and return to your practice noticing your experience in the detailed way described above. If you continue this practice over time, you will find yourself less reactive and more able to flow with whatever experiences and situations you encounter.

When you have begun to settle your body, heart, and mind with the practices above, you can do the next two steps in self-empathy.  First, name the needs that are alive for you in the present moment.  As I was sitting in mindful meditation this morning, my consciousness revealed a need for creative expression by offering a simple art idea that I could do in the moment.  Our waking consciousness communicates needs in the same way our dreams do at night, through tone, images, color, quality of light, energy, characters, memories, words, sensations, emotions, etc.  Your role is simply to pay attention and  translate what your consciousnes tells you into a need you can act on.

And acting on your needs is the next step in self-empathy.  When you have a specific concrete do-able plan for meeting your needs, your body, heart, and mind relaxes into a relationship of self-trust.  The important thing here is that the actions you decide on are ones that you can easily follow through on within a day.  Putting your needs off until summer vacation doesn't create a relationship of self-trust.

Practice
Take a moment to scan through this article and choose one of the practices mentioned.  Decide when and where you will practice that element of self-empathy today.

This is a common story I hear in working with couples.In this example, you can substitute tone of voice for any habitual or reactive behavior that you don't want your partner to do.The request is clear and often even connected to feelings and needs, but it is not do-able.

First, it is request about what you don't want, rather than what you do want.Second, it addresses a behavior that's a part of habit energy and reactivity, which is not something someone can typically change immediately.

If your partner has a reactive behavior that is difficult for you, you have a few choices.

One, you can let your partner know that you have no ability to work with it and thus will end the relationship if it is expressed again.This sometimes happens in the case of physically violent behaviors.In the best case scenario, your honesty and the value of the relationship inspires your partner to get help that allows him or her to change.

Two, you can ask your partner to do something specific to help prevent the behavior.This might sound like this:

• "When you are feeling angry would you be willing to take ten deep breaths before interacting with me?"
• "When you are feeling defensiveness about what I am expressing, would you be willing to ask me to say it in a different way?"
• "When you are wanting to let me know that something I did didn't meet your needs, would you be willing to start by describing your need rather than my behavior?"
• "Would you be willing to practice NVC once a day by celebrating the needs we met for each other at the end of each day?"

• "When I hear you speak in that tone of voice, I am going to remind myself that I am not a little kid in trouble anymore, that this is just you feeling upset and trying to connect with me."
• "When I perceive that you are criticizing me, I am going to call for a time-out until I can come back and hear the feelings and needs behind your words."

• "When either of us starts to feel reactive, s/he can use the time-out signal and we will sit silently for three minutes internally doing self-empathy."
• "When either of us starts to feel disconnected, s/he can ask for a slow down and use the list of feelings and needs."
• "Once a day we will have a check-in for at least 20 minutes.During the check-in we will start and end with a celebration and in the middle talk about any little disconnects we experienced with each other that day."
• "On Saturday morning before the kids get up, I will give you empathy for ten minutes about anything alive for you.You will do the same for me on Sunday morning."

Ann, a student in one of my classes described a family dinner in which her mother said something like, "People who voted for John Kerry are idiots." Everyone at the table was aware that only Ann had voted for John Kerry. We worked on a role play for her to connect to her mom around this.

It was easy to come up with a number of "don't" requests: Don't criticize my views. Don't talk about politics at the dinner table. Don't judge me. Don't point me out in front of the family.

Vague invitations were also suggested: Be more considerate. Think how I might feel when you say that. Respect my views.

None of these are do-able requests.

In the end, Ann came up with something like this: "Mom, when you said, 'People who voted for John Kerry are idiots', at dinner last night I felt hurt and disappointed because I want connection. Would you be willing to say what issues you disagree with when we talk politics rather than labeling the voters?"

Ann could have also used a connecting request: "Mom, when you said, 'People who voted for John Kerry are idiots', at dinner last night I felt hurt and disappointed because I want connection. Would you be willing to tell me what was going on for you when you said that?"

You might be wondering why Ann didn't express needs like consideration and respect rather than connection. There are a couple of reasons. One, respect is a word that is often used in the context of accusation, so it's hard to hear with giraffe ears. Two, Ann's deepest need really is to be connected to her mom. Hearing this deeper need her mom is more likely to soften and open her heart to Ann. When the heart softens and opens having to be right drops away.

Think about some "don't" requests you have heard yourself say recently. Take a moment to come up with a do-able request for each. Keep in mind the guidelines below for an effective request:

1. Requests are immediately preceded by a universal need
2. Requests are do-able: it is something that someone can do. This means that it is something a camera could record either as visual or auditory or both. "Be more supportive." "Be easier on myself," "Trust me," are not a do-able requests.
3. Requests are something the other person can say "no" to without fear of punishment, withdrawl of affection, guilt tripping, or judgment. That is, it is not a demand.

• You believe your needs are not as important or you don't deserve to have them met.
• You don't speak up when something is happening that is a violation of your ethics.
• You ask for or willingly receive advice from this person about areas of your life outside of the dimension in which he or she has authority.
• You bend your sense of personal boundaries to acomodate this person's wishes.
• You feel like you are in a trance around this person, like you can't access all of who you are or your sense of what's true.
• You feel smaller, speak in a smaller voice, or literally make yourself smaller through posture.
• After talking to this person you feel confused or fuzzy or disconnected from yourself.
• You lose your sense of humor and creativity around this person.

• You believe your needs are more important or you deserve to have them met before others.
• You make most of the decisions regardless of context.
• You announce what is going to happen rather negotiate to consider the needs of others.
• You give unsolicited advice about things not falling in your area of authority.
• You become angry and resentful if someone doesn't follow your advice or do things in a way you expect.
• You view the other as incapable, pitiful, and in need of your rescuing.
• You imagine you know what is right for another without asking them.
• You think a lot of about what this person or group of people should and shouldn't do.

You: Um, I don't like to gossip.

Jane: I don't either, I am just telling you what happened.

And then she goes on talking in the same manner, telling you about the details of Eli's divorce.

Gossip is like anything else. It's something people do to meet particular needs of theirs. So, as they talk about others they are really talking about themselves.

Gossip as defined in the dictionary is "to engage in idle talk or rumors, especially about the private affairs of others".

My guess about the needs someone is trying to meet by engaging in gossip is one or more of the following:

belonging (if I know private information I am in the "in" crowd),

self-acceptance (if someone else is doing worse than me, I must be okay),

connection (by talking about someone we both know we can connect),

protection (concern that what that person is doing will cost the needs of others),

stimulation (drama in someone else's life can provide sense of intensity and aliveness)

Remembering that someone engaged in gossip is attempting to meet their needs is useful to the extent that it helps you to stay connected in compassion rather than moving to right/wrong judgments. If you make a request from right/wrong it will likely come out as a demand.

Interrupting is a key skill in NVC and one I have found particularly useful when faced with gossip. You can interrupt to connect with either empathy or honest expression.

It might sound something like this:

Empathy You: Talking about Eli's divorce, I wonder if you feel sad for him?

Jane: Well, I don't know, I mean he brought it on himself. He's the one who-

You: Yea, are you frustrated wishing he had more awareness in his relationship?

Jane: He could have listened to me when I told him to get counseling.

You: So you tried to help?

Jane: Yea, I wish I could have helped more.

Honest Expression

You: Jane, hearing the details of Eli's divorce,I notice I feel uncomfortable because I want to hold him in a place of compassion and I can get muddled with details. Would you be willing to share how it affects you rather than exactly what happened?

Jane: If I don't tell you the details how will understand how it affected me?

You: Hmm, how about if I am not getting you, I will ask a question.

Jane: Oh, just forget it. You make such a big deal out of everything.

You: Yea, you'd like to just say what you want a say.

Jane: Yea, can't I just be myself around you?!

You: Are you thinking I'm judging you?

Jane: Aren't you?!

You: I'm really coming from my own needs and that doesn't involve a judgment about you. Would you like me be more clear about where my request comes from?

Jane: Yes.

You: I am really committed to holding others with compassion. And I've noticed that hearing about the details of others' affairs when they are not present has resulted in my own misinterpretations and judgments of that person. So it doesn't help me in keeping my commitment.

Jane: Yea, that happens to me sometimes too. I guess I don't even know why I am talking about it. I guess I am upset about it.

Asking someone to express themselves differently can be tricky business. People sometimes identify their mode of expression as "who they are". As a result, they hear you asking them not to be who they are. As in the example above it can take a few rounds of empathy and honest expression for this to loosen and a create a space for connection to needs.

Practice
Take time now to think a time when you were recently either expressing gossip or participating passively.  In reflection, what feelings and needs were up for you at the time?  How might you have interrupted the gossip with connection?

You'd like to connect and you also have a sense that it would really help them if they could receive your offer of empathy.

It's time to interrupt.

We all have the training that interrupting is "rude" (that is doesn't meet needs for consideration). And this might be true if you interrupt to interject your own opinion, problem solve, give advice, tell your own related story, etc.

I am suggesting you interrupt to connect more fully.

A lot of folks don't know how to create or receive the listening and connection for which they are longing.

How can you help?

There are a number of hints about interrupting that will help someone receive your interruption without defensiveness.  Here are a few:

Immediately state your intention to connect with them:

"Hang on, I'm really wanting to get what you're saying and I'm not sure if I am. Are you feeling irritated because you need mutuality in the relationship?"

Don't give up, if they ignore your guess, try again.

"Let me see if I'm getting it. Are you feeling exasperated because you need cooperation?"

Reflect the thoughts back before moving to feelings and needs.

"Yea, you're thinking they were wrong for doing that."

Say what you notice is happening with your guesses.

"Hey, Chris, I am noticing I am making guesses about what you were experiencing and not getting a response from you. Could you tell me if I am in the ball park with my guesses just now?"

If they don't connect with feelings, try just guessing needs.

"Are you needing some consideration?"

Express your own feelings and needs.

"I notice I am feeling a frustrated because I want to connect and I am not sure how. Could you tell me what you are wanting me to hear most about what you are saying?"

The most important thing to remember is that you are interrupting to connect and this takes courage. Interrupting might mean some awkwardness, or conflict at first.

A fair share of us, myself included, have had training in our families of origin that tell us to attempt to maintain harmony at all costs.

My experience is that the more alive I feel and the more tools I have, the less willing I am to sacrifice a moment of this precious life for keeping the peace, being polite, or acting from obligation.

Notice the next time you feel disconnected in a conversation and practice interrupting to connect.

I often see folks suffering from this kind of confusion.  You can get confused here in at least two basic ways.

Here's the first.  You have peak experiences with someone.  There is an enticing chemistry.  There is a particular way this person can see you that you haven't experienced before.  You share a passion together like art, music, spiritual practice, or a love of nature.  There are moments when everything drops away to reveal love.  You imagine that one or more of these things is enough to sustain your relationship.

These experiences are an important part of a lasting partnership.  Unfortunately they are not enough to sustain a relationship long term.  There is the practicality of daily life.  Here you need to have some basic things in common like lifestyle values (e.g., daily priorities, how to handle money, long term goals, relationship to stuff and home, use of mood altering substances, etc.) and some sense of agreement about how to handle difficulty. You can deeply love someone, yet if these things are not in place the road ahead will likely be very difficult.

For the second basic confusion, you have some of the peak experiences listed above, and you even have in common many lifestyle values, and yet there is something major missing.  There is some way you want your partner to show up that she or he isn't.

Often this has to do with a level of vulnerability or personal growth.  You see so much potential in your relationship and in this person.  You keep making requests of him or her hoping you can bring forward this potential or this willingness to be more vulnerable.  You have the sensation of longing and sometimes pulling at your boyfriend/girlfriend.  He or she may be saying things like, "You want me to be someone I'm not." Or he or she may attempt to make you the problem, saying that you have too many needs or that you ask too much and that you should just be happy with the way things are.

Tragically when I encounter this in couples I work with, I can hear that one partner is sending the message (albeit indirectly) that she or he cannot come forward in the way the other is asking.  However, the attachment to having it work out is so strong that these messages aren't heard. 

You can love someone for who they are and still make many requests to have your needs met in new or different ways.  If she or he is responsive, the two of you can learn to love and support each other in ever more subtle and deep ways.

You can love someone for who they are and know that he or she is not a good partner for you.  You recognize that there is a lack of commonality in some fundamental approaches to life.

Lastly, you can also love someone for who they are and make many requests that are really asking for a lot of personal growth or vulnerability which he or she cannot access at that time.  Understanding this you can let yourself grieve and lovingly leave the partnership or examine whether there is a way you and your partnership can thrive without this change.

The message I am hoping you hear is that your ability to love someone is not in conflict with your hope for personal growth or behavioral change.  There is only for you to get clear about which is which and act in harmony with what's true.

"My child looked directly at me with legos in his hands and said, 'I am getting dressed!'"

Lying, like any other behavior, is an expression of feelings and needs.The trick here is putting your giraffe* ears on in the face of something that triggers your conditioning around your need for honesty.

If you can first respond to the feelings and needs the child is trying to express, you can come back later and help them learn to express with honesty.

Let's respond to the child with the legos.It is a busy week day morning with parents getting ready for work and kids getting ready for school.This is the third time you have asked your 8 year old son to get dressed.That's when he looks at you as he is sitting on the floor in his pajamas with legos in his hands and says, "I am getting dressed!"

At this point you can show that because you are bigger and have more authority you can push him around. You can swoop down grab the legos and say in an angry voice, "Move it mister!"I have found myself in this behavior more than once.It is easy to fall into.This is the way most of us grew up.

It takes an incredible shift in paradigm to resist this flow of conditioning and hear your son saying, "Mom, I am stressed out and need some support not more directives."When you can hear this, responding in a compassionate respectful way becomes obvious.Instead you take 3 or 4 minutes and sit down on the floor with your son:

Mom:"Feeling stressed out this morning and wanting to take it easy?"

Son:"Yea, mom, you are always yelling at me."

Mom:"You'd like a little more gentleness in your morning?"

Son:"Yea, I just want to play then get dressed."

Mom:"I am guessing it's hard to set down your legos once you are playing."

Son:"Yea."

Mom:"Yea, sometimes I have a hard time getting off the computer when I need to go somewhere.I set a timer for myself.Would it help if I set a timer for you with getting dressed?"

Son:"It might."

Mom:"Okay, we'll try it.I'll do that tomorrow.Right now we are running late so how about if I help you put the legos away."

Son:"Okay."

In the typical life of schedules and commitments it is easy to get caught up in the anxiety of being on time and making things go a certain way.In the consciousness of Nonviolent Communication, you come back to the most important thing - the quality of connection you create with yourself and others in the moment.This quality of connection, moment by moment, is what builds loving strong relationships.Loving strong relationships are the foundation of a satisfying life.

This week notice moments where you are sacrificing the quality of connection with yourself or others to get to the next thing.Take a breath into your belly and remember what is most deeply important in your life.

Most often in asking for an apology, you are really wanting to know that the other person understands what they did that triggered pain for you and that they don't want to do it again.  Shaming someone is the high cost way that attempts to achieve the same result.  (One we have all likely experienced).

A student of mine, Ignacio, recently made this comment, "When I have done something that my partner feels hurt over, what seems to help the most is repeating to her exactly what she said I did and how it affected her."

What happens for Ignacio's partner when he does this is that she starts to feel emotionally safe again hearing that he has understood her experience and how he contributed to it.

To complete this conversation, Ignacio and his partner could talk about what needs were up for both of them in the moment and what each of them could do differently in the future to prevent the painful trigger from arising.

For example, let's imagine that the trigger event was that upon arriving home, Ignacio went directly to the bedroom and didn't greet his partner.  After asking each other about  needs, they realize that she has a need for connection and he has need for rest and grounding.  To meet these needs, he could offer to greet her upon arriving home and she could agree to wait a half hour before handing off the baby, a list of to do's, or starting a conversation, etc.

Another distinction to make here is that Ignacio doesn't "take responsibility", (another thing you might be looking for with an apology), by saying how bad and wrong he was, but rather by saying what he is committed to doing differently in the future.

Ignacio's partner takes responsibility for her reaction by identifying the need underneath it and making a specific request around getting it met.

Putting it all together, here are the basic stepss.

1.  Express what specific behavior triggered you and make a connecting request. Here are some examples of possible connecting requests:

Could you tell me what you are hearing me say?

It really helps me feel connected to know you understand what triggered me, could you tell me what you're hearing triggered me and how I felt when that happened?

I am looking for clarity, not wanting to blame or shame, could you tell me what you are hearing you did that triggered me?

2.    Identify the needs that were up for both of you in that moment.

3.    Brainstorm what you could each do differently to meets those needs in a future situation.

4.    Make a commitment to try something new and check-in about how its working. This week, notice the different forms of apology you experience or watch in other interactions.  Identify when and how an apology moves into the energy of shame and blame and when it creates connection.

***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs

NVC is both a consciousness and a set of tools that helps you turn toward and connect to truth of what is alive without resisting or grasping.

When you can turn toward what's alive, whether it be pleasant or unpleasant, without judgment, without resisting or grasping, you create a space in yourself. This is the space where the truth of the moment is revealed or as a Christian friend of mine says – "where you can hear the small still voice of God." NVC helps to create this space. One way it does this is by identifying and connecting with needs.

Needs, for me, are life energies, that's how I experience them. Needs are a way of labeling particular life energies flowing through you or someone else in a given moment.

When I accurately connect with someone's need in the moment, I can feel and see an energetic shift in them. I help them connect to their own experience and they resonate with the life flowing through them. I am proposing that needs are life energies that are flowing freely not attached to a self. How is this relevant to our daily communication and interaction?

When you can experience needs as existing independently of self, other, or some particular strategy. You are less likely to take responsibility for someone's needs from a place of obligation or guilt and you are less likely to make demands and feel desperation or anger when someone says "no" to a request you make.

Experiencing needs as free flowing energies rather than "desperate have to's" or "negative neediness" you can respond to what's alive with an open heart. Take a moment right now to notice the life in you. Look through your needs list and find the words that match that life energy and then, most importantly, notice your relationship to these needs - resistance, grasping, acceptance, or open-heartedness?

In domination culture, you are instructed to push, pull, prod, encourage, shame, convince, and manipulate people into doing what you want. And behind all that pushing and prodding is the usually some sense of "you are right in doing so". After all, people should be accountable for their actions, right?

When coming from the consciousness of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), no amount of being "right" will meet your needs or those of others.

Coming from an NVC consciousness, you might hear yourself saying something like this with regards to accountability: "I value the sense of trust and integrity I experience when I hear my co-worker acknowledge her part in the failure of the project and what she will do differently next time."

It's not about what people should and shouldn't do. It's about what meets needs and what doesn't.

Let's examine the word account and what needs it points to. Relevant dictionary definitions say:

1. to make satisfactory amends
2. to give satisfactory reasons or explanations
3. to be the cause agent or source of

With definition two, my guess is you have needs for clarity and connection. When you see someone do something that doesn't meet your needs, you would like to know what needs they were attempting to meet with their behavior. From this place a dialogue can begin about what behavior might be more efficient in meeting needs.

With definition three, my guess is the needs for honesty and responsibility are up. You would like the other person to express honestly about how they did not keep an agreement or follow through on a responsibility, and then offer to do something to help in the current situation. 

Given this understanding, what might a conversation look like?

Dialogue

Let's say you have an employee who has been 15 minutes late for work five of the last ten work days. Let's call this person, Jim. When asked about it, Jim has a different reason for being late each time. Your needs for trust and dependability are up. A conversation might sound something like this:

You: Hey Jim, I am noticing I'd like some clarity about a topic, before you start on that project I would like to talk for 15 to 20 minutes, would you be willing to talk with me now?

Jim: Okay.

You: (beginning with empathy) Jim, I've noticed on the sign-in sheet you have been late five times in these last two weeks and I am wondering if you have been dealing with something big outside of work?

Jim: Oh, I am sorry about that, it's just been one thing after another, traffic, and getting my kid to school, my dog got lost one morning, and I had a dentist appointment. Things have just come up.

You: Yea, it sounds like you are juggling a lot of details and it's hard to keep all the balls in the air.

Jim: You got that right. But I will get here on time from now on, I promise.

You: (you continue with empathy knowing that a promise made without understanding of the problem is more like a wish) Yea, I am guessing that you get a bit overwhelmed and need some clarity about how to keep everything moving in the way you would like.

Jim: (he pauses and relaxes receiving your empathy). That's true.

You: (sensing Jim is no longer on the defensive and has felt heard you move to honest expression). Jim, I am wondering if you can hear what comes up for me around this?

Jim: Sure.

You: For me, when I think about your agreement to be on time and notice that hasn't happened 5 of the last ten days, I feel nervous because trust and dependability are important to me. Can you tell me what you understand me to be saying?

Jim: You're nervous cuz you have to be able to trust me.

You: Yea, so I have an idea about what I think would helpful.  Are you interested in hearing it?

Jim: okay.

You: I am wondering if you would be willing to take a day and think about your agreement to be hear at 9am and decide if that's something you really want to do. If it is, I'd like to hear about what you might do differently in your life to support that happening consistently. So what comes up for you hearing my request?

Jim: What if I decide I don't want to be here at 9am?

You: Then I'd like to hear what about that doesn't work for you and investigate what would work.

Jim: Well, I know if I could come in at 9:15 I could always be on time.

You: I am wondering if you would be willing to take more to think about exactly how things would be different, and talk with me tomorrow at this time?

Jim: Okay, I can do that.
 

Practice
This week take a look at where you would like to hold someone in your life "to be more accountable".   Enter the dance of empathy and honest expression either with them or just in your own reflection. Guess the other's feelings and needs and identify the needs that are up for you.  What is a specific request you would like to make.

Your work then, isn't to change others.  It is to look into your heart and see if you want to connect even when they are not changing and regardless of whether they ever change or not.  Whether you choose to connect or not, your next step is to allow yourself to mourn the needs not met as this person stays stuck.  Just to let yourself feel the grief of seeing suffering without resisting the fact of your inability to change it for that person, this is the practice of staying connected to your heart.

Over the years this has been an intense practice for me with my family.  I get the opportunity to help so many people, but my family members aren't jumping up to receive help from me (at least not in the way I think they "should").  I have experienced so much grief and frustration wishing for their well-being and wanting them to change.  I just returned yesterday from visiting several family members in Colorado.  I got to experience the fruits of the practice of letting go of trying to change them.  My ability to stay present, enjoy them, enjoy myself, and feel an exchange of love was greater than it ever has been.  I came home nourished rather than exhausted as I have in the past.  I look forward to continuing to relax into more layers of acceptance and experiencing the richness this brings.

Take a moment now to reflect.  Is there anyone in your life you are trying to change?  Can you access the desire to connect even when they don't change?  Can you allow yourself to mourn in the face of the suffering of others?  Can you find your way to accepting their path and trusting something larger to guide them?

• How is this decision affecting our ability to be present and loving with each other day by day?

• What needs are met with this decision and what needs are at cost?  (Look at universal needs from the needs list.)

• Is there a situation in which we are saying "we have to"?  If yes, can we look more closely at the needs present in that situation and brainstorm new creative ways to meet our needs?

• Is there anything in our life that we are putting resources into that no longer meets our needs?  (That is, is there something we can let go of to make space for meeting our needs more effectively?)

I was up doing breakfast preparations as my partner was snuggled in bed. As I left him to do another task, I said, "I live to serve." I was being playful in the moment but after the words were spoken, I felt a sense of satisfaction and resonance with the deeper truth of those words. I do live to serve. In my heart of heart there is nothing I want more than to contribute to life.

I am not alone in this of course. Serving life is the purpose and deepest longing of every person's life (according to the NVC consciousness).

The beauty and miracle of cultivating a NVC consciousness of clear observations, feelings, needs, and requests is that it allows this service to be ever more subtle and meaningful.

Take a moment now to feel into your own heart of hearts and your longing to contribute meaningfully to life. Then acknowledge at least three times that you have felt satisfied with providing a sense of contribution and service this week.

*click here for a list of feelings and universal needs and an empathy guide. http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php

Growing up in Colorado, runaway truck ramps were a common sight. At the bottom of a steep downgrade a runaway truck could suddenly swerve off onto an immediate steep uphill made of layers of loose gravel in which the truck could sink into, slow down and stop.

Here are some runaway truck ramps to help you sink into your values, slow down, and stop the escalation into reactivity.

Ask Questions to Get to Needs:

• "What's most important to you (to me) right now?"
• "There is something here we really care about. What is it?"
• "What am I (are you) afraid of losing?"
• "What is the part you are really wanting me to understand?"
• "What am I trying to get to here?"

• "Give me a minute to process what you said"
• "Hang on, let me go to the bathroom and come back."
• "You said (repeat what the other just said)"
• "I'd like to take a 20 minute time-out and come back."

• "I feel disconnected"
• "I'm reacting."
• "I'm nervous right now"
• "I feel defensive."
• "My heart is racing."
• "I'm going fuzzy."

• "I notice I just blamed you."
• "I'm defending myself."
• "I'm thinking you are judging me."
• "I'm repeating myself."
• "My voice is getting louder."
• "I'm talking more quickly."
• "I'm moving away from you."
• "I'm shutting down."

• "How about a glass of water?"
• Sing the blame song (see previous gem on blame:  http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/620).
• Howl like a Jackal
• Say something you are grateful for
• Take the conversation to another room or go outside
• Plan a sign or keyword with the other person to signal you are in disconnect

• Take 3 slow deep breaths before saying anything else
• Stretch your body to release tension and increase circulation
• Go for a walk, run, etc.
• Eat or drink something nourishing
• Lay flat on the floor or ground and ask your body to sink into the support of the ground

You might have had a thought like, "This guy wants to control everyone and he's wasting our time giving his opinions without even knowing what's going on."

In Nonviolent Communication you can come back to four points of connection:  observation, feelings, needs, and requests.  If an interaction starts to go sideways, you can come back to any of these four points to help create connection again.

The element called observation in NVC means getting clear about the event you are talking about.  When you can refer to the situation or event in neutral terms you can start a dialogue with clarity.  However, this isn't always as easy as it sounds.  Interpretation seems to follow perception at the speed of light.  This makes it easy to confuse what happened with what you made it mean.

Often when you ask someone what happened in a particular situation you get one of the responses below:

NOT OBSERVATIONS:

• An evaluation of good or bad, appropriate or inappropriate, pleasant or unpleasant, etc.
• A judgment about what should or shouldn't have happened
• An analysis or about why it happened
• An interpretation about what happened
• A story about past related events
• Predictions about what might happen
• A justification for why it happened
• Labeling of what someone is or is not
• Blaming someone for what happened
• Exaggeration or deletion of key facts

These are not observations. When you've asked someone what happened and they answer in one of these ways, you might have noticed yourself feeling uncomfortable. My guess is because you value giraffe honesty. A part of giraffe honesty is being able to say what happened without including all the stuff your mind makes of it or at least naming your interpretations when you express them.

Let's go back to the meeting with the person who is in a monologue.  Imagine this person is expressing about a recent decision to lay off 15 employees.  Her expression might sound something like this, "We just haven't been running things in an efficient way.  If we had had a financial meeting at the beginning of the quarter like I suggested this wouldn't have happened.  I want to bring in a consultant I know.  She says..."  If you aren't careful, you might get sucked into to this and start offering your own opinions about why it happened and what you or others should have done.  In my experience, these kinds of conversations feel like walking around in the muck and getting nowhere. 

You can interrupt and get out of this muck by steering the conversation back to the observation.  Move to observation by asking any of the basic observation questions: Who? What? Where? When? How long? How often? (Notice Why? is NOT in this list.) You might interrupt and say something like:

"Hang on, I am wanting to make sure we are all on the same page about the facts of the situation before we go into ideas about it.  What are the facts about the layoff?  How long is it?  Over what period of time will it occur?  Who is being considered?"

From here you can move to feelings and needs and then requests or strategies to meet those needs related specifically to this situation.  You may be able to skip analysis, evaluation, and blame completely.

This week notice if you are in a conversation where you start feel lost or fuzzy headed.  Ask yourself if you are clear about the actual events to which you and the other person are responding.  If there are several events or situations up at once, name that, and decide to which you want to respond first.

Creating connection is the purpose of NVC. Living NVC means that you are conscious of connection. You carry the intention to connect to life moment by moment – the life in yourself, in others, in nature, wherever it may be.

In doing NVC, you might miss a doorway to connection because you get caught by the words rather than hearing the heart of the person speaking them.

For example, you may have said something that triggered hurt in a friend. She responds by saying, "You humiliated me by saying that. How could you? I demand you apologize!"

Marshall Rosenberg has been known to say "Never apologize." He says this because often an apology is used to assign blame or make someone wrong. However, apologies can be done from a NVC consciousness.

You can hear your friend's feelings and needs and respond to them. You might guess that she is feeling hurt and scared and needs reassurance about your caring for her.

Rather than refusing to apologize because it's not NVC, you can offer a giraffe apology. A giraffe apology might sound like this, "Yes, I want to give you my apology. I want you to know that when I see the pain my words have stimulated for you, I feel sad and regretful because I want caring and respect in our friendship and what I said didn't support that." Or even a simple "I'm sorry," might suffice if you are connected to your own feelings and needs and those of your friend.

Another example of doing NVC is offering education when empathy is needed.

For example, a co-worker is angry and complaining about a supervisor and says, "I feel belittled and manipulated. I need her to treat me like human being who has a brain."

If you are doing NVC, you might say, "Belittled and manipulated are not actually feelings. They are interpretations of what you think she is doing to you. What she does is about her not about you."

If you are living NVC, you ask yourself what is needed to create connection. My guess would be that your co-worker needs empathy. You then, give empathy in a way that your co-worker can best receive it.

This might mean listening silently while connecting to his feelings and needs. It might mean reflecting back the tone of what he says, "Sounds miserable."Maybe you silently name the feeling and verbally guess a need, "Sounds like you'd like some acknowledgement for the skills you bring to this job." Or you could just reflect feelings, "You must be feeling pretty angry and frustrated?"

Living NVC is about carrying the intention to connect. It's about following the life energy in the moment and letting it guide you to connection.

Choose an interaction today in which you set aside all your ideas about how it should go. See if you can just feel and follow the energy of connection. Where is the most life? Is it in expressing a thought, feeling, or need in you? Is it in getting more clarity about the experience of the person your talking with? This is something many of you may do automatically. If so, bring your awareness to just how you do that. Make the unconscious conscious.

1. You get clear on the observation – what actually happened that triggered a reaction in you.

2. You allow ample time and space for feelings. You label them and accept the experience of them in your heart and body.

3. You identify needs.

4. You come up with requests, first for yourself then the other person.

If you have gone through these steps and still you are swirling in hurt, anger, or depression, it is helpful to look for the presence of jackals lurking just under your radar. Critical voices or "jackals" can keep you stuck in a particular feeling or mind state if they are not addressed.

Feelings of despair, guilt, anger, resentment, shame, and depression are feelings that arise out of a critical internal voice. These feelings are alarms letting you know that you are in reaction to a critical voice and there are important needs up for you.

Jackals usually include these words or phrases: I should(n't) have. . ., he was wrong to. . ., how could she. . . , he's a (pick your judgment) person, it shouldn't be like this, it's hopeless, if you would just…!, etc.

Jackals are important messengers about feelings and needs alive in you. They will likely continue talking until those feelings and needs are recognized and experienced.

Sometimes these jackals take on air of self-importance and are convinced that it's essential for them to keep screaming at you in order to meet your needs.

This is what I call habit energy jackals. Habit energy jackals don't have a discerning wisdom about what's really helpful. What they do have is a lot of momentum. They have the fuel of you buying into them and reacting from them time and time again.

Your work here is first to just to listen to these jackals. Believing them literally, allowing them to repeat themselves again and again, or acting from them gives them fuel.

Of course, listening to your jackals requires your conscious awareness of them.

Here's one way to tune into your jackal show. Bring up the triggering events in your mind, or better yet, get paper and pen. Then sit quietly and ask for them to speak. I find it helpful to address jackals directly as separate entities. I say, "Okay jackals I know you are talking. I'd like to hear what you are saying."

After you have made a request to hear them, write down all that you hear, without editing or responding.

When all has been expressed, go back and identify the corresponding observations, feelings, needs, relative to each individual jackal voice. Then look through what you have written and write down two or three specific requests.

I have copied a page from my workbook and posted it on the free resources page of my website: http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php

This contains an example of what a self-empathy journal entry might look like.

This week set aside a half hour to tune into to your jackal show. Follow the instructions above and use the example as a guide.

A sudden grumpiness comes over you and you start thinking how your body isn't up for this and start wondering why you are even there.

There are so many unconscious should's in your mind that you don't even allow yourself to notice that you are feeling "excluded" (of course excluded isn't a feeling, but rather a complex experience of thoughts, feelings, and needs).  You hear yourself saying "I shouldn't be upset", "I should be fine to switch to a different running pace.  It's no big deal."  "I like this other friend; I should be happy to see her."  "I shouldn't be such a baby."  "I should be flexible."

Knowing that you're included equally and loved and accepted is pretty basic to your sense of well-being.  If integrating this understanding didn't happen for you growing up, then you likely find your sense of inclusion to be a tenuous thing.  Given this kind of wounding, most people choose one or two basic strategies to try to earn inclusion. 

Growing up in a family, where your parent(s) don't give you any consistent positive attention unless you are showing some special skill or ability or achieving something superior, you likely adopted the strategy of being a super achiever.

Though you couldn't articulate it as a four-year old, the message from your parent(s) was clear, "You must earn my love and attention." 

Another strategy is to win attention by high and volatile emotional expression and/or by being exceptionally beautiful and sexy.  If you have adopted this strategy, you may have been told many times that you are being over-dramatic.  But of course, it doesn't feel that way to you, because the expression of volatility has become so habitual, it seems authentic and unavoidable. 

Engaging either of these strategies blocks you from hearing the basic message that you so desperately need to integrate which is that belonging is your birth right.  And though, without your parents help, you didn't have the skills and power to realize and proclaim that when you were four years old, you can do that now with the support of people who care about you.

It starts with being able catch yourself when you go into the wounded trance of "I am excluded".  You can listen for things this trance state likes to say like:  "What am I even doing here?!"  "Those just aren't my kind of people."  "I need to get going, I have things to do."  "I can't afford to waste my time."  "I just don't belong with this group."  "They don't like me."

You can also watch for impulses to leave, to brag about your achievements, work harder, or get dramatic and seductive.

Once you catch yourself in the trance, you can do things in the moment to break out of the trance and move towards belonging.  In the example above about running, going on the assumption that you belong, you might have asked for a slower pace and to talk about something the three of you have in common.

Of course, going on the assumption that you belong is where all the work is. Although this is a subtle and complex healing path, a few basic practices can be helpful.  Underlying all of the practices that follow is, of course, a sense of compassion for yourself.

Learning that you belong might look like:

-collapsing into a mess of tears and seeing that others can stay present for it

-letting go of working to achieve or create something in particular groups or situations

-allowing yourself to follow rather than lead

-asking others to express how you are important to them

-giving others an opportunity to love you when you are not doing, being, or looking special in any way

-choosing to be with groups that have the emotional capacity to directly express caring and affection and stay present for difficulty

-focusing on how you are similar to others rather than only different

-internally repeating to yourself that you belong when you are feeling anxious about it

-pushing yourself to stay engaged even when you have the impulse to leave or shut down

-acting as if you belong, even when you imagine you don't

-helping to create a sense of belonging for others

Take a moment now and notice if there is any particular situation in your life where the exclusion trance comes up in an obvious way.  Choose one or two of the practices above to try out the next time you are in that situation.

As you begin to offer empathy in more and more interactions you will likely find that most people are starved for empathy. A little bit of empathy can open a floodgate of feelings and needs for them and they jump at the chance to be heard.

The more skilled you become the longer you can continue to stay present to their feelings and needs and the more they open and express. It's easy for the interaction to become one sided.

Over the years I have consciously cultivated this ability to hold a space for others and offer empathy. It's comfortable and usually easy. And, I have caught myself hiding there.

In Nonviolent Communication the intention is to create connection by attending to what is most alive. In my experience, attending to what's most alive opens the door to compassion and wisdom. If you and I are connecting, we will notice how peaks of aliveness flow back and forth between us. We follow that aliveness like music in a dance. 

Offering empathy is to focus your attention on the feelings and needs of the other without losing connection with yourself. Your attention is on the other and still you notice when feelings and needs pop up for you. Then when the music shifts you say, "I notice something came up for me just now. Are you in place to hear it?"

Practice
This week look for opportunities to express your feelings and needs when you might be tempted to hide. Let yourself follow that aliveness through your fear of vulnerability. Step more fully into who you are in each moment.

In the last Gem, I emphasized the importance of allowing the time and attention necessary to fully experience a feeling or simply let it be present with you.

When you have allowed this and are ready to explore beyond a feeling, you begin to identify needs and requests. Moving to needs and requests can be difficult to do when neither is immediately clear to you.

It helps to slowly read through the needs list and notice what resonates for you. When you have accurately connected with and identified your need, you will feel some internal movement like a relaxing or opening of energy. If you don't experience something like this, then go through the needs list again. Take time to close your eyes and focus internally. Notice what internal experience you have as you connect with each need. After feeling a shift with a need or two, you can move to requests.

Often folks tell me how difficult it is to come up with a request. One key to requests is thinking in very small steps. Let's say, for example, you have a conflict with a dear friend. She told you that your choices about how much you work are "unfair to your family", and that, "You are being selfish". This stimulated pain, hurt, and worry for you. You need clarity, understanding, and consideration. In experiencing these needs you might jump to thinking about what you can request of your friend. Start small and start with yourself.

Here's what a progression of requests might look like:

• I ask myself to list three things I have done this week to take care of my family.
• I remind myself that this friendship has lasted seven years and I believe we have the trust and  skill  to make it through this conflict.
• I ask myself to take at least fifteen minutes tonight to reflect on the needs of my family and myself  in relationship to the amount of time I work.
• I ask myself to reflect on what feelings and needs might have been up for my friend when she said that.
• I will set up a time to see my friend and express the feelings and needs alive for me and ask her to say them back. Then I will ask to hear her feelings and needs.
• I will ask my friend if in the future when she sees me doing something she is concerned about, if she would be willing to express her feelings and needs (i.e., what's important to her) and ask me how I see the situation.

Choice is different from other needs in that it is an inalienable need. It cannot be taken from you.

The only way the need for choice is not met is if you lose your connection to it. Victor Frankel in his book The Meaning of Life tells his story of remaining connected to choice even in the extreme circumstance of a nazi concentration camp. He survived and escaped from the camp because he continued to view himself as at choice.

One of the most disempowering forms of language is that which implies there is no choice. Our language is rife with ways to deny choice. Here are a few examples:

"I have to." "Those are the rules." "It's an obligation." "This is a mandatory policy." "I have no choice." "It's your duty." "That's just the way it is." "That's just the way I am." "I can't help it." "You made me . . . " "Those are my orders."

The simple act of deleting the words, "Í have to", from your speech can reconnect you to your choice – your power in your own life.

When you feel yourself wanting to say "I have to" that's a good time to pause and ask, "What needs am I meeting by choosing to do this?" "What needs are at cost when I choose to do this?"

For example, when you hear yourself say, "I have to go to work." You can pause and have a dialogue with yourself that might sound something like this:

"I choose to go to work today because it meets my needs for security. In thinking about going to work, I feel frustrated and disheartened because it doesn't meet my needs for creativity, play, and connection. I wonder what I could do differently so that all these needs could be met in my day?"

Owning that you have a choice also means taking responsibility for your actions and your life. Sometimes this can be a little scary and it might seem easier to attribute responsibility to circumstance, others, the rules, etc.

In the end though, denying your choice means denying yourself the opportunity to create a life in which all of your needs are met. A life in which joy and abundance are your usual mode. Yes! This is possible.

Practice
Is there something in your life now that you have been telling yourself you have to do? Take a moment now and notice what needs you are meeting with that decision, what needs are at cost, and what else is possible?

I had encouraged the woman to express her feelings. Her face and body expressed pain and frustration, but her words expressed an evaluation of her partner which was easy for him to hear as blame.

In Nonviolent Communication (NVC), we bring awareness to feelings and needs to create a quality of connection in which a natural giving of the heart arises.

I have heard folks say that they have tried expressing their feelings, but it didn't work. What I have often discovered in these cases is that feelings weren't actually expressed.

There is a long list of words in our language that pose as feelings, but are actually evaluations. Take a look at the list below. Do you see some words you have used recently?

Behind each of these words are precious feelings and needs.

Choose three of the words below that you have used recently. For each word name the feelings and needs that were alive in you with the expression of each.

For instance, in the example above, when the woman said she felt abandoned, you might guess she felt pain and frustration because she had needs for trust, integrity, and reliability.

Click on my website to download a list of feelings and needs www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php

My heart ached hearing his frustration and despair.It is very difficult to carry the consciousness and language of Compassionate Communication (NVC) on your own.Shifting your consciousness and communicating from a new paradigm requires the support of others who are doing the same.

You can find this support by attending workshops and classes or by starting your own practice group.You can also invite people to join you in receiving others with empathy or responding differently.

Recently someone shared the story of how he asked his roommates to help him guess the needs of their landlord who they have conflict with.This has helped him to stay in a NVC consciousness as well as diffusing a lot of jackal talk.

Someone else shared the story of how his boss reported that they had lost a contract because of a conflict with the client.He approached his boss with a guess at the needs that might be up for the client and explained that he had been learning NVC.The boss took what he heard to heart and had another conversation with the client in which they decided to continue the contract.

Living in integrity with your values is supported when you see your values embodied in the people around you.When the people of your intimate community embody your values, you have a place of refuge and support.Having this kind of community in your life enables you to meet others with compassion and grace.

This week take refuge in the company of someone who reflects your values back to you by the way they live their life.Ask them out for a walk or cup of tea.

There comes a time when you finally understand that no amount of coaching, prodding, demanding, or advising is going to pull someone out of suffering. You realize that they have to find their own way.

The biggest gift you can give to someone who is suffering is acceptance of them and your faith in them – that is, your ability to keep seeing their beauty and wholeness even when they don't.

When you are not pushing someone to change, they don't have to defend themselves. That leaves a space for them to take a look at themselves. You can act as mirror reflecting back to them things as they are as well as their own wholeness.

Have you ever known someone who was in a relationship that you thought was no good for them?

I am guessing you may have said some things like:

"You have got to leave him/her!"

"You deserve better!"

"That's terrible! How could s/he say that?!"

"Look, I know this counselor, please go see her."

"Have you heard of NVC? Here let me loan you the book."

When your friend is telling you about their struggles, the first thing s/he wants is empathy. If you were offering empathy, first, you would spend more time listening silently. Second, you might say some things like this:

"That sounds like it really hurts?"

"Are you feeling hopeless about getting the understanding you would like?"

"Is it scary for you sometimes?"

"Sounds exhausting walking on eggshells in hopes you won't upset him/her?"

"I'm guessing it's tearing you up, wanting to keep the family together and at the same time feeling tired and frustrated not getting the caring and love you long for?"

Guesses like these come with lots of space in between them so your friend has time to take it in and really connect with what is alive.

The point of your guesses is not to guess "right". The point is to bring the focus to the feelings and needs that are alive for your friend. Even if they ask directly for your advice, the first answer to someone's pain is to offer empathy. Without connection to feelings and needs, advice is just another piece of floating information in an already overwhelmed person.

You can't change others, but you can create a space of acceptance and empathy, which makes it easier for them to see themselves and make changes in their own time and in their own way.

Is there someone in your life that you would like to change? Take some time and identify your own feelings and needs as you see them suffer.  Get empathy for yourself around how you are affected.  Make time to grieve and accept things as they are.  It helps me move into acceptance by taking refuge in my faith that release from suffering is inevitable and I can't know the twists and turns each person's path takes.  When you have some relief from trying to change this person, ask yourself what feelings and needs might be alive for them and practice meeting their suffering with empathy.

Practice
This week notice your impulse when you see someone suffering.  Practice just holding a silent loving presence for three breaths.

In the meantime, I would like to offer you some shortcuts to identifying your needs "on the fly".

1.  Work backward from your strategy.
    That is, identify your request or the way you want something to go and ask yourself the question, "What will that get me?"

2.  Use more familiar language. 
    Sometimes using more familiar words is helpful in accessing yourself.  Instead of asking "what do I need?", try these questions to yourself?
    "What's important to me about this?"
    "What do I really care about here?"
    "What matters most to me about this?"
    "What are my values in this situation?"
    "What am I committed to right now?"

3.  Imagine the perfect scenario.
    See yourself in this perfect scenario or outcome of your current difficulty, and then ask what makes it perfect.  What are the qualities, attitudes, and feelings present?  What needs are being met?

4.  Ask for help.
    Let the other person know that you know there is something deeper that you care about (need) but you can't quite name it.  Ask him or her to help you name it.

This week choose one of these practices to identify your needs as you go through your day.

At a physical level this is done by relaxing and exercising the body so blood flows freely distributing nutrients and cleansing toxins.  This free flow is interrupted when you react strongly to something.  In reactivity, you usually contract muscles in various parts of your body. This creates a physical disconnect in the sense that it inhibits blood flow.

This experience is analogous to what happens in a conflict with another person. Instead of a flow of energy between you, you find a  contraction, pushing, or pulling in your own body as well as in the interaction.

The bulk of my teaching focuses on how to transform these interactions and restore flow or connection.

However, there are times when it is healthy to disconnect from the other person in order to restore connection in yourself.

Here are some alarms that indicate it may be time for you to call for a time out and disconnect from the other person.

1. When you feel yourself shrinking, like your life energy is being pulled from you. This may be accompanied by feelings of shame or fear.

2. When you begin speaking from anger or fear. This usually takes the form of blame, accusation, name-calling or judgment, right/wrong pronouncements, pleading, pressuring, or telling the other person how they should and shouldn't behave.

3. When you find yourself defending & counter-attacking. Both of these indicate that you are not hearing the needs and feelings of the other, but rather you are hearing and, at some level, believing the words they are saying or believing your self-worth can be affected by their views.

4. When you find yourself "going fuzzy". You might being saying yes to something you don't want to yes to or you might find it hard to speak clearly.

5. When hostility or contempt are present. If someone you are close to is sending hostility or contempt your way, it's very difficult to meet them without reaction. In the realm of personal relationships (that is, when you are not serving as a mediator or helping professional), it's important to immediately disconnect and disengage from this energy when it arises because of the damage it can perpetuate. Your response can be as simple as, "I'm experiencing (sensing, seeing) hostility. I am taking a time-out and will check back with you in an hour."

This week notice when you are contracting physically or emotionally. Use this as a signal to return to connection with yourself. Connection with yourself can start with focusing on three deep breaths into your belly.

I have heard this often from clients and students. I'm guessing most of you have had the experience of analyzing and reanalyzing a painful event and realized that you felt just as bad after all your analysis.

You have likely been taught to think your way through life's challenges. How often in all your years of formal schooling were you asked what feelings and needs were up for you?

You have likely been trained to trust your skills in analysis and problem solving rather than connecting with what's alive in your heart.

NVC offers a radical new approach:

The most effective way to live with clarity and joy is to connect with what's alive in the moment.

This means observing your experience without analysis or judgment. Instead, connect with your experience by identifying the feelings and needs alive in you and others. Act to honor and meet all needs present.This doesn't require the hard work of analysis, but rather the courage and intention to bring your awareness to your heart again and again.Doing this practice a little each day you start to trust your heart more than your head.You eventually realize that your heart gives you continuous feedback about how to live fully alive!

You can begin this practice by noticing the kinds of questions you are asking yourself.In analysis you are asking questions like:

"How could this happen, where did I go wrong?"

"Why did s/he do that?"

"Who's fault is it?"

In connecting with your heart or the heart of others, you are asking questions like:

"What am I feeling?"

"What needs are alive for me?"

"What happened or what did I tell myself that stimulated these needs?"

"What do I want to do to meet these needs?"

"What needs might have been alive for him or her when s/he did that?"

No analysis necessary.

Analysis and problem solving are habits of mind.Habitual thought, is a powerful thing. And it takes a strong intention and plenty of reminders to remember to watch it. The good news is that you get to choose how you think and what you think.

You can turn your mind to what gives life – feelings, needs, actions based on needs.

To practice this, set an hourly alarm on your watch, cell phone or computer. Each time you hear it, stop and notice content and flavor of your thoughts. Then ask, "Are these thoughts making my heart sing with aliveness?"

You may not get an answer at first. That's okay, your heart needs time and attention to open and reveal itself, especially if its not use to being asked.

Keep asking and little by little your heart will open and you will connect with a whole other level of intelligence.

What does setting boundaries look like when you are coming from the framework and consciousness of Nonviolent Communication?

Here are three key elements in setting boundaries from a NVC consciousness:

1. Loyalty and responsibility regarding your own needs

2. Ability to connect to the needs of others without assuming responsibility for them

3. A Clear "yes" and a clear "no"

The following vignette demonstrates these three elements.

On Friday evening you receive a call from your mother. She asks you to come over and spend Saturday afternoon helping her with a project. You notice a feeling dread and tension fill you. Your feelings are alerting you that important needs are up.

You realize you need time to identify your needs before you respond (Loyalty and responsibility for your needs).

You give mom a clear no and a clear yes:

"Mom, I am not going to answer right now (clear "no"). I need to get clear on what's up for me (identify your immediate need). I will call you back and let you know before the end of the night (clear "yes")."

You then take some time to acknowledge the facts of the situation and notice your thoughts, feelings, and needs. First, you remember that your mother is terminally ill and you notice guilt arising when you think of that. You notice that you have a thought that you should be there for mom every time she calls. At the same time you realize that you don't want to try to connect with your mom out of guilt and obligation. What's keeping you from that place of naturally wanting to give to mom?

You have some needs up. You have worked a full week and you have needs for rest, play, and peace.  You don't think these needs will be met with helping your mom with her project. When you think about spending Saturday in ways that would meet these needs, a sense of lightness and relief washes over you.

You know what needs you are saying yes to. You get more clarity by spending some time deciding exactly what strategies would meet those needs and how much time for each.

Knowing you are going to take care of yourself, you now have some emotional space to consider your mom's needs. You guess she has needs for connection, companionship, and support. You try to connect to and honor these needs in your mom, without thinking you are the one that has to meet them.

You notice the guilt voice comes up in you again. You hear it say, "You should be with your mom, she is sick and dying. You should spend every spare moment with her!" You recognize that behind this voice are your values around love and caring and its very important to you to live in accord with these values, perhaps, especially regarding your mom. How can you truly live in accord with these values?

You realize that loving and caring for others comes naturally when you have taken care of your own basic physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.

When you call your mom back you can clearly tell her the needs you will be saying yes to on Saturday. You can also say yes to her needs for connection and support and to your needs to offer love and caring, while at the same time expressing a clear "no" to her proposed strategy to meeting those needs on Saturday. At this point you enter into a negotiation about a strategy that meets needs for both of you.

But, what if mom doesn't connect to the needs you are saying yes to on Saturday and she offers some words that are difficult to hear instead, "You know I need help. You know I am sick. You are just being selfish. I guess you just don't care."

This is the point where you might be tempted to defend yourself and restate your needs in a pleading sort of way. This is exactly the point where it is important to remain connected to your needs and to hear her feelings and needs without taking responsibility for them. You might answer with, "Sounds like you are feeling frustrated and needing support?"

"Yes, so why won't you help me when I ask you to?!", she demands.

You don't respond to the demand energy, but rather stay connected to feelings and needs. You make a guess about what thoughts and feelings your mom might be having. You try to see the world from her heart.

You:"I'm guessing that when you heard me talk about my needs for rest on Saturday, it was hard for you not to hear that as a lack of caring for you. Is that right?"

Mom:"Yes, if you don't care. I don't want your help."

You:"It's a difficult time for you and you need to know that you have the support you need. Is that right?"  OR  "I am really wanting to have understanding between us.  Would you be willing to hear me again and try to hear me differently?

You can see in this vignette that the three elements help you to stay grounded in feelings and needs and prevent you from getting caught in an argument with the other.

When you can stay connected to feelings and needs you send a clear message that you are not going to be swayed by the dynamics of guilt, demands, or criticisms.

If you were able to stay in the dance of empathy and honest expression with mom, chances are she will at some point be able to own her own feelings and needs and acknowledge yours.

How long this dialogue takes depends on your own circumstance and relationship. With my own mom, I spent about six months offering empathy before she could own a feeling and need and acknowledge mine. Six months is a short time for me when I look at it relative to the length of our lives.

Choose a relationship or situation in which you find yourself saying yes when you want to say no and no when you want to say yes. Use the elements above to help you get to the clarity you need to make decisions that use your energy in a way that truly serves life.

So how can you say no and stay connected?

First, make sure you really understand what the other person is asking before you answer.  What needs is this person is hoping to meet with their request of you.  What is the request exactly?  A request is clear when you can visualize exactly what you would be doing. (When? For how long? How often? With who? Where?).

Example:

You: "So in asking me to help you move you're wanting help with the heavy things?"

Your friend: "Well, no, I don't have anything real heavy. I am just feeling emotional about this move and wanting some company."

You: "Oh, okay, you're wanting some company (the need up for your friend). When and how long were you thinking?"

Your friend:  "Saturday morning for a couple of hours."

Second, let them know the needs alive for you.

You: "I'm feeling torn because our friendship is important to me and I want to be there for you.  At the same time, integrity and trust are also important to me so I am wanting to keep my word with my nephew to take him fishing Saturday."

Third, brainstorm a strategy in which all needs could be met.

You: "Do you have any ideas about how I could take care of our friendship as well as the trust with my nephew?"

Your friend: "Could you do that with your nephew and come over to my new place for dinner in the evening and then unpack a few boxes with me?"

You: "Yes, that would work."

Saying "no" really means you're saying yes to other needs.

When there is a sense of connection and honoring of the needs of both you and the other person, you will be able to find a decision that truly meets everyone's needs. All needs can be met. It just doesn't always look the way we think it will.

This week notice when you feel yourself in the bind of wanting to say yes to avoid conflict and wanting to say no to meet your own needs.  Ask the person requesting something of you to give you a few minutes before answering.  Check in with the feelings and needs up for you.  Then ask the other about their needs behind the request and make sure you really know what the request is.  Look for a way all needs can be met.

Guilt & Shame Behind guilt and shame there are jackal thoughts that are some version of "I have behaved badly or been a bad person deserving of punishment". The concept of deserve has paved the way for over 8,000 years of sanctioned violence. Taking action out of guilt and shame can land you into the violent concept of repentance in which someone else decides how bad you are and doles out a punishment. Guilt and shame are only useful when they lead you to connect with unmet needs in someone else or yourself rather than the judgments about good and bad.

Anger Behind anger there are thoughts that things should be different than they are or someone should act different than they are. The word should can lead you quickly to a disconnected state. In the context of recovering from an abusive* relationship anger can also indicate progress. Anger can be an important indicator that the receiver of the abuse is beginning to recognize that they have a right to have their needs met. But even in this context if action is taken from anger, more violence and unmet needs will likely result.

So how can you handle these emotions in a way that leads to connection and honor of all involved?  Below I list steps in a particular order, but of course life isn't this neat.  These four steps are meant to be touchstones that you come back to again and again in the way that works for you.

Acceptance & Space to mourn.
First, there is just to accept the way things are. I don't mean submit or accept in a hopeless way, but rather acknowledge what is or what was without resistance. This may be a long process.  It's quite common that folks who have a meditation practice spend years crying and grieving while sitting.

Name the next layer of more vulnerable feelings
Second, there is to feel the feelings below anger, guilt, and shame. Sadness or regret for needs unmet is usually below anger, guilt, and shame. Feeling sadness or regret requires a level of vulnerability and responsibility that isn't necessary with anger, guilt, & shame.

Name the needs
Third, from sadness or regret you can move to with the needs unmet in yourself and others in that particular situation.

Take action
Fourth, responsible action comes from honoring needs of all involved, including yourself, and acting to meet them.

*When I use the word "abusive" I am referring to a relationship in which there is neither awareness nor skill to honor and meet the needs of those involved, but rather consistent behavior that costs needs.

I often find that if I ask someone one of these questions, she or he can usually name the historical event or relationship of which the current situation reminds them.  However, I find that folks get lost here.  They go down the path of self-analysis or story telling. Being able to name or analyze an old hurt doesn't do much to create healing or connection.  After naming that your past is showing in the present, there are two important steps to take.

First, you want to address the old hurt with empathy and information.  Connect with your feelings and needs up around the old stuff.  Then let that part of you know that you are not in the old situation anymore. You can talk to the old hurt like it is another you.

Here's an example.  Recently I was playing basketball with my partner and father-in-law.  I perceived that I wasn't getting the ball equally.  If this perception hadn't stimulated past pain, I may have been able to speak up and ask for a change in how we were playing.  Instead, the pain I had growing up around being the new kid and outsider at school came up.  I lovingly call this my "belonging stuff".  The sense of rejection that came over me was so overwhelming I walked off the court and had to take some time to myself.  After a few minutes of doing something physical on my own, the reaction calmed and I was able to see it for what it was.

In offering empathy to myself I said, "Sure, you're hurting because this is a tender spot and it's still healing. Of course you want to be included.  It was painful moving so much and being the new kid.  I am real clear that these two guys love you and want to include you."

Most important thing here is your ability to lovingly accept all parts of you that are still healing and sometimes get reactive.  This acceptance combined with a present moment connection to how the need is met and not actually threatened in the present moment creates healing.

Second, you want to address the actual needs in the present situation.  Once you have honored the past, you want to remember to honor the present.  You likely have feelings, needs, and a request relevant to the situation at hand.

As I sat with my father-in-law and partner on the park bench, I let them know that my belonging stuff had come up and they were happy to offer empathy and acceptance.  Then we talked about how we could play so that three of us were equally involved.  A sense of equal participation and fun was the actual need of that present situation.  Together we were able to come up with an idea and successfully played together the next day.

Just because you recognize a situation triggered a past pain, it doesn't mean you have to buck up and get over it.  Give yourself empathy for the past hurt and then look at the needs of the present situation and make a request so that your needs can be met.

Take time now to reflect on a situation in which you were recently triggered.  Ask yourself if the situation reminded you of anything you experienced before.  Name the old hurt and the feelings and needs associated with it.  Then name any other feelings and needs that were just based on the present situation.  Come up with a request you might have made in the moment or perhaps still can make.

Part of mindfulness practice is watching the workings of your own mind. As far as I can tell the mind's primary task is to help you survive. It scans for difficulty and dissatisfaction and when found, it immediately offers up the shortest path to relief.

I am here at Great Vow Zen Monastery for the month engaged more fully in mindfulness practice. Recently on a break lying in the grass I noticed a feeling of dissatisfaction. I watched as my mind sprang into action. It said, "If your partner wouldn't act the way he is you wouldn't feel this way. If you had more time with him you would feel better. Maybe you would be better off in Portland. You need more sleep."

The sensation of craving, grasping for something external to release me from dissatisfaction, accompanied the thoughts.

This is suffering. Running like a rat on a wheel. Trying to create some lasting happiness by looking for the next thing.

Stepping off the wheel, I turned my attention inward and asked:

"What's alive in me?

What is the nature of this feeling?

Where is it in my body?

How big is it?

Does it have a color or texture?

Are there other feelings underneath it?

What needs are alive?

With these questions I turn my awareness inward and look for what is most deeply true in that moment. By so doing I honor myself and through this honoring I step onto a path towards lasting happiness.

At the end of my reflection, I could do the very same thing my mind offered up in reaction. The difference is that action is now born out of clarity and connection, rather than craving – a very important difference.

In this case I wasn't interested in coming up with an action other than to continue throughout the day to feel what is alive in me, just noticing and allowing.

This week, watch where your mind goes when you feel upset, dissatisfied or angry. Is it offering you ice cream? With curiosity notice the ice cream and let it float on by. Then turn your attention inward and ask,

"What's alive in me?"

Here's one way an apology can go sideways.  Someone recently forwarded an article to me called Anatomy of a Woman's Feelings by Alison A. Armstrong. Among other things she wrote, "She needs him to apologize for how he made her feel. She needs him to apologize for hurting her. He should say, and mean, "I'm sorry I hurt you…. If she suddenly sobs when he says, "I'm sorry I hurt you," he shouldn't fear. This sob is a powerful release of the hard, black fist that has gripped her chest.""

In this scenario the woman is getting some needs met for caring.  With her loved one's words she takes in that he cares about her.  Unfortunately other things like blame (he made her feel) and a lack of understanding about the needs up for each in the situation may also be present.

Feelings are the voice of your needs. They arise because a need is met or unmet. External events or behaviors don't make you feel a certain way. The event or behavior, along with your interpretation of it, stimulate needs which give rise to feelings.

In the NVC framework you not only get to identify the needs up for you and ask specifically for what you want, you also get to notice what you made something mean and whether you believe your interpretations or not. You get to take responsibility for your inner world and let others know your thoughts, feelings, and needs and how they can contribute to you.

"Sorry" can feed the blame dynamic in couples and leave them hopelessly confused about who is responsible for what.

You can start to clear this confusion by noticing what are the needs up for you when you ask for an apology. My guess is clarity and caring. Hearing someone say they are sorry, you hear them say that they didn't intend to stimulate pain or frustration for you. You get clarity about their intention. Also, hearing "sorry" you get that they care enough about you that they feel sad seeing you in pain.  This is an important part of the process, but doesn't yet create a mutual heart connection or an understanding about what to do differently. You can create connection and new behavior with a dialogue of empathy and honest expression.

If someone said to me, "What you did really hurt my feelings. You need to say you're sorry." I would start with empathy. It might sound like this:

"When you hear me say, 'I don't care if you come along', you feel hurt and sad because you need caring and consideration, is that right?"

I would keep guessing the other's feelings and needs until I was sure I really heard and connected with them.

Next I would express the feelings and needs that come alive for me when I hear my loved one's pain:

"When I hear you say you're hurting, I feel regret and sadness, because it's so important to me to communicate with caring.  Can you tell me what you hear me saying?"

After we have both expressed and connected with each other's feelings and needs we move into requests. I may have thought I did communicate with caring and clarity so I want to know specifically what meets these needs for my loved one. We discuss specific requests and let each other know what we are both willing to do differently in the future so that our needs are met.

A helpful apology isn't about making someone bad for what they did.  It's about making a space for the hearts of those involved to feel the pain that came up and then connect with what needs weren't met.  With an understanding of needs, you can choose to do something differently rather than just lamenting what you did.

This week, notice the next time you want to say sorry. Switch to empathy for the other and notice the quality of connection that is created.

Building this new highway of self-respect and acceptance provides the foundation that supports a consistent practice of self-empathy in the face of jackals.

At one level building this highway can be quite basic.Imagine you had saved money for years to visit to Spain and finally the time was drawing near.If you wanted to get the most out of your visit, you would begin constructing a highway to Spain in your own mind before you go.You might begin learning to speak Spanish.You might study Spanish history, music, and art.You might talk to people in your community who have lived there. You might research Spain's geography and natural phenomena.By the time you arrive in Spain, you are a ready sponge for your experience there.

You can apply the same idea to building a highway of self-respect and acceptance.Every day feed your mind with words and experience that reflect an unassailable sense of self-respect.I am not talking about a once a day affirmation.If you really want to put in a highway, it's going to take some time and effort.When I went through my own process of building this highway, I wrote pages and pages of affirmations and empowering core beliefs everyday.I read and listened to books that supported this kind of thinking and knowing.I began cultivating behaviors that reflected respect for my body like flossing, exercising, and eating lots of vegetables.I spent time with people who modeled self-respect and supported my process.Slowly I began to drop friendships and associations that didn't consistently honor me or our relationship.I attended workshops, meditation retreats, and sought out counseling.I chose only entertainment (music, movies, art) that was in alignment with my intention.I knew that training my mind to naturally move in the direction of self-honor would require undoing some 25 years (and possibly countless lifetimes) of jackal consciousness.Seeing clearly that this foundation of self-honor was essential to offering help to others and enjoying my life I was and am determined to cultivate it.

Today I work to maintain this highway through basic daily practices of mindfulness, qigong, meditation, journaling, reading, and connecting with my community.

If the jackal highway is a regular part of your daily experience, begin constructing your own self-respect highway by committing to at least one practice every day this week toward cultivating a foundation of self-honor.

*jackal refer to any language or thoughts that disconnect us from life.

***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs

http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php

-awareness of the fact that you are judging yourself and

-some connection, no matter how small, with the part of you that knows you are basically good no matter what.

When these two fundamentals are not in place, self-criticism shows up as blame, anger, depression, apathy, dishonesty, and violence, to name a few.

I recently had my five year old niece over night. When she has made a mistake, she sometimes blames. She has said things like, "You did it wrong! You were supposed to . . .!" Not having either of the fundamentals in place she moves to protect herself by directing attention away from herself.

After she calms a bit, I let her know that it is okay to make mistakes and that when she does, instead of blaming, she can just say, "I made a mistake. That's okay." She readily takes in this feedback and uses it within the same day. My hope in offering her this is to help her stay connected to her self-worth regardless of circumstance and to give her tools to do that verbally.

My niece is pretty transparent in her intention to protect herself through blame. It is not always so obvious in adult relationships. A verbally skilled adult can begin blaming through analysis before you know what's happening.

You hear things like; how you were wrong to do what you did (with a list of convincing reasons) and how it relates to your relationship with your mother (with a detailed description of that relationship) and when are you going to take responsibility for your fears (with a list of your fears) and can't you see a pattern here (with a recounting of past incidents) and …etc.

If you are being blamed in this way, you may start to feel confused and foggy. You may have difficulty articulating your thoughts and staying connected to your needs. You may have difficulty making decisions that really work for you.

Analysis is a useful concept in science and the world of academia, but mostly harmful when applied to human beings.

Here are some basic things to remember when when blame / analysis is directed toward you:

1. Responding to blame with a rebuttal of any sort, "I did not! That's not true! It's actually like this. .." will most likely escalate disconnect.
2. Blame is a symptom of the speaker's pain and unmet needs. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.
3. You can redirect with empathy or some basic requests:

-"Are you feeling hurt and wanting understanding?" (or other guesses at feelings and needs).

-"Can you tell me what you are wanting instead of saying what I am doing or not doing?"

- "Can you make that about you?"

-"Can we talk about what we want to do differently now?"

-"Hearing an analysis of me I feel foggy and disconnected and want understanding. Would you be willing to tell me what you are unhappy about rather than talking about me?

-"Stop! What you are saying is not okay with me! I am scared and I want connection! Can you tell me what you are hearing me say?!"

This week notice when blame or analysis comes your way. Feel and resist your impulse to submit, defend, withdraw, or offer a counter argument. Put on your giraffe** ears and remember it is not about you and then engage one of the redirects offered above.

Next week I will write about the process of moving from Self-Criticism to Self-Empathy.

*jackals refer to any language or thoughts that disconnect us from life.

**giraffe refers to shifting into an interest in connecting to the feelings and needs in yourself and others.

***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs

Self-empathy is meant to allow space for you to experience all that is alive in you with acceptance and honor for that experience.

Self-empathy isn't meant to be an elixir that removes unpleasant feelings.

I often think of feelings as energy entities that want to be known - experienced fully and acknowledged. Sometimes this takes a few minutes, sometimes a few hours or days or weeks.

When you learn to be a "big container", it means you are allowing feelings to be there. You notice a feeling as it arises and say something like, "Okay, I notice I am feeling hurt right now. That's okay to feel. I don't have to do something about it nor push it away."

When you live with acceptance and honor for what is alive in you, you create spaciousness in your consciousness. This means that unpleasant feelings can arise and be there without a reaction from you. When you are not in reaction to your own internal experience, you can continue to function and be attentive to others, your work, your bicycle ride, etc.

You can become a larger container for your feelings by inserting an "acceptance voice" into mindfulness and meditation. Find a short phrase that helps you move to acceptance of your internal experience. Mine is simply, "That's okay". I have practiced this voice so much that it now arises of its own accord when needed.

Meditation is an ideal situation for this practice. When you sit quietly with the intention to stay in the present, your mind invariably wanders off and a variety of sensations and feelings arise. Each time you notice your mind wanders or a sensation or feeling arises, repeat your acceptance phrase and return to your point of focus (breath, sounds, sensations, whatever you have chosen). If you continue this practice over time, you will find yourself less reactive and more able to flow with whatever experiences and situations you encounter.

This week choose an acceptance phrase and practice it throughout the day as well as in your meditation periods.

• Say "yes" to every offer of help
• Make one request for help each day
• Write down the support you received at the end of each day
• Instead of asking yourself if you "need help", ask yourself if it would be fun and connecting to have help.
• When you are accepting help notice what's happening in the moment - Are you worrying that you are burden?  Does the other person look pleased?  Is there more connection?  Are you hurrying through it?
• Rather doing "divide and conquer" grocery shopping with your partner, stay together.
• Reflect on times where you did enjoy collaboration and make a note of how you got there.
• Review various parts of your life (health, money, career, parenting, creating, housekeeping, play) and ask yourself where more collaboration could happen.
• Once a day, when you have the impulse to be alone, do the opposite and move toward connection with someone else.

What makes it so hard?

I recently sent two emails which stimulated pain for the people on the receiving end and didn't meet their needs for understanding, acknowledgement, and caring.

Here are three things that made it hard for me to do self-empathy.

1. All of us carry around a set of standards for how we "should" be that we often don't hold as true for others.

Usually these standards are unconscious, but we are continually comparing ourselves to them. You can uncover your standards by looking at the various roles you play in life - daughter, employee, father, student, spiritual person, etc...

In my example, I had a standard around being the perfect communicator. This is my profession after all. I am not suppose to make mistakes. I heard my jackals* saying: "What in the heck were you thinking? You know better!" 

When you are comparing yourself to a standard you hold, it's hard to connect with your heart and just be with what is.

2. Self-empathy requires time and focus and a willingness to step into the pain of the situation.

We live in a culture that values distraction as a remedy for suffering. It seems easier in the moment to just turn away from the situation and go see a movie, eat something, or not think about it until the emotion has been repressed or dissolved due to the passage of time.

From one email I sent, I received a message back that really stung. I didn't want to admit to myself how much it hurt so I did a superficial layer of self-empathy: "I feel confused and frustrated when there is not clarity and communication I would enjoy." Later, when I took the time with a friend who is skilled in empathy, I realized what I really felt was hurt that the caring and trust I would have hoped for in our connection wasn't there. Ouch.

3. Self-empathy also requires skill and knowledge.

The skill is to hold your mind and heart on the one event and the feelings and needs connected to it. Sometimes your mind is like a monkey jumping from branch to branch -analyzing, theorizing about the future, remembering other similar situations, etc.  Taming your monkey mind means focusing just on the situation in front of you.

The knowledge is having a vocabulary for feelings and needs and recognizing them in yourself.

In my example, there were many layers of feelings and needs in me just in this one situation. There were feelings and needs alive in the moments before I sent the emails. There were feelings and needs alive around past similar situations. There were also feelings and needs connected to the results of my actions. I needed to take time with a friend skilled in empathy or with my journal and the feelings and needs list in front of me in order to stay focused and to guess all of the feelings and needs present.

While all of these challenges get in the way of self-empathy, perhaps the most pernicious obstacle is the belief that your mistakes are a reflection of your inherently flawed nature rather than a confused attempt to meet a life-giving need.  Just being conscious that some part of you holds this belief can sometimes create enough space to allow you to engage in the practice of self-empathy.  You don't necessarily have to talk yourself out of this belief.  You can practice self-empathy regardless of knowing the truth about your inherent nature.

This week take one situation in which you find yourself experiencing unmet needs. Set aside fifteen minutes with your feelings and needs list and write down all the feelings and needs (you can download one from my website) that were up for you in that situation.  Follow my example in number three above to get to all the layers of feelings and needs.  When you feel yourself shift into connection with your heart and clarity about your needs, decide what specific actions or requests you would like to make to begin to meet these needs.

One subtle and pervasive form of disconnected thinking and behavior is regarding others as "its". That is, objects that either meet your needs or get in the way of you meeting your needs.

This sounds a little harsh, but I've caught myself in this consciousness in subtle ways.

In traffic, "Come on, get out of the way dude, could you make that turn a little slower?!"

Or at the store, ever been at the store feeling tired and grumpy and just wanting to get your food and go home? Does an "it" ring up your groceries, and an "it" fill your grocery bag?

What about in your close relationships? Do you find yourself getting angry and resentful when your loved one doesn't do what you think they should?

I have caught myself in "it" consciousness in all of these situations. At such times, I've noticed how dead I felt inside. I've noticed that I had put little blinders and became attached to some immediate outcome.

The result of attachment combined with the mind state that turns sentient beings into objects that either serve your needs or interfere with your needs is violence as we define it in NVC. It is a disconnection from life. If not caught, it gives rise to irritation, resentment, anger, hostility, and then cruelty.

So where do you start when you have caught yourself slipping into "it" consciousness?

Create a mantra that brings you back to the values you want to live by. Mine is "I want to live in and enjoy this moment". This phrase releases me from attachment which, in part, has to do with putting off enjoyment for some future moment when I think I will get what I am imagining will bring me happiness.

Another mantra I use is, "Am I living from Loving-Kindness?"

Loving-kindness is an aspiration, attitude, and behavior of caring for the well-being of oneself and others. It's the consciousness in which you see others as people, like yourself – wanting to be happy, wanting aliveness and freedom from suffering and you wish that for them.

Identifying and honoring the feelings and needs in yourself helps you see the feelings and needs in others and remember that all people are coming from the same place.

Of course the trick is your ability to pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, needs, and behavior moment by moment. The more you can do this the more you can ask and answer the questions -

"Am I living the life I want to live right now? Am I on automatic pilot or am I am making decisions moment by moment from my heart's deepest values and longing."

This week, create a mantra or question that will bring you back to your heart. Find a way to remember it several times a day. Use a watch alarm, smatter your house, car, and office with post it notes, write it on your hand, whatever works to bring your back to the here and now and your ability to create the life you
want moment by moment.

There is a natural inclination to share with others something you are excited about, to celebrate this new thing you are learning. In the case of NVC, it can be a slippery slope from celebrating to educating to telling others how they should communicate.

I have seen examples of this in situations where both people have had NVC training and in situations where just one person has had training.

For example, if you and someone close to have both had some NVC training, you might have heard yourself say something like this: "You are not using NVC! If you were using NVC we wouldn't have this problem!"

Of course, the irony is that in saying this you yourself have stepped out of NVC consciousness and into to blame and demand.

The most powerful way to share NVC is to let awareness of connection inform your thoughts and words.

Living from a NVC consciousness in the example above you might say, "I am feeling frustrated because I want to connect and I don't know how right now. Would you be willing to wait a few moments while I take a few breaths and find different words?"

With a partner or family and friends that don't know anything about NVC, you can teach them by offering empathy and honest expression consistently in your interactions. They might notice something different is going on and get curious. Wait for that question – "How did you do that?" Then offer a few sentences and see if they want more.

This week choose one person you would like to share NVC with. Look for opportunities to offer empathy and share what's most alive in you.

Four people laying bricks were asked, "What are you doing?"

The first said, "I am laying bricks." The second said, "I am building a wall." The third said, "I am building a cathedral." The fourth said, "I am serving God."

The purpose of NVC is not to learn NVC. It's about experiencing what's alive, being in your heart and feeling the heart of others. It's about noticing when there is a lack of connection and finding connection with yourself or someone else.

As you become more and more aware of what is alive in you without judgment, interpretations, or stories, a heart connection is naturally there. From this connection you can act from what is true rather than from ideas about what should or shouldn't be. You can live your life from a place of integrity and aliveness.

As you go through your day today, bring your awareness back again and again to what is alive in your heart. Ask yourself, what feelings and needs are alive now? Don't worry about being able to name feelings and needs exactly. Just to ask the question is a step on the road to enlightenment.

Sometimes your strategy is another person. This happens most often with people who play important roles in your life, mother, spouse, best friend, son, or boss.

It's pretty easy to get caught in the idea that those people are suppose to meet certain needs of yours.

Your spouse is suppose to meet all your needs for intimacy and support. Your mother is suppose to or should have met all your needs for nurturing and unconditional love.

When you are attached and others don't respond the way you expect, feelings like anger, resentment, anxiety, desperation, or devastation arise. You might find yourself making demands or threats. You often feel as thought you are in an impossible bind. All are good signs that you have attached a bundle of needs to one strategy.

In some cases attachment has you carry anger and resentment around for years by thinking over and over again, "My dad should apologize for the mistakes he made as a father. He should take responsibility for what he did." You want acceptance and understanding around what happened for you in your childhood and you're attached to those needs being met by your dad.

Abundance in this context means you have many strategies to meet one need. When you have a lot of strategies for meeting your needs, you respond differently when one strategy doesn't work. For example, if your spouse is your favorite strategy for intimacy and support and he or she is unavailable, you'll likely feel disappointment and sadness rather than anger and resentment.

The key to an abundance of life satisfaction is to get subtle about noticing when your needs are met. When needs are met it's easy to sort of sail along unconsciously, until you hit a bump. When you give more attention to those times when you are feeling content, fulfilled, inspired, or energized, you learn what strategies help you be in alignment with yourself and your life. Begin to ask yourself these questions: What needs were met and how were they met? If you felt happy after meeting with a friend examine exactly what transpired. What did they say, how did they listen, what actions did they take? What were you saying or doing? What kind of attitude, state of mind, or attention were you bringing? What needs were met?

The more aware you are of an abundance of strategies to meet your needs, the more your life will be imbued with a sense of confidence and equanimity.

Today, notice positive feelings when they arise and connect them to the strategies that met your needs.

My therapist suggested that I was putting off meeting my needs and hoping that she would finally come through and be the mom I wanted her to be.

In that moment,  I got  how it was time to let go of my mom being some certain way. It was time to start relating to her as another adult rather than just my mom.

In NVC terms, I was attached to a particular strategy for meeting my needs. I was attached to her meeting all my needs for safety, affection, love, and nurturing. I wanted her to process all the unmet needs and difficulties of my childhood with me and then make up for these unmet needs with new behavior.

This was my unconscious strategy for healing. It wasn't very effective.

One of the things I love about NVC is that it asks for and helps create a deep level of self-reflection and self-responsibility.

Parts of me, very young parts, were still waiting for my mom to meet those needs. Seeing this I could mentally and emotionally go back to visit with various "younger selves" and offer empathy for the pain, loneliness, and fear they experienced. I could reassure them that the me of today can take care of those needs with the loving and reliable people I have in my life now. The me of today can create experiences in which needs for safety, affection, love, and nurturing are met easily.

When I have this healing relationship with myself and others who can currently meet my needs, I don't have to wait for my mom to change. As a result, there is a space in me to accept my mom just as she is. There is space to offer her empathy and understanding.  There is space to express my needs and requests in simple and non-reactive terms.

Resentment, anger, or the kind of listlessness I experienced, are all good signs that you might be holding fast to one particular strategy to meet your needs, particularly, one that isn't working.

Reflect on your relationships with your family. Is there someone your waiting on to change? Do you want them to recount what they did that stimulated pain for you, own what they did, express regret, and ask how they can help you heal from it? Sometimes family members will hear this request and meet you there. Sometimes they won't.

When they won't, you can look for other strategies for healing. You can heal the hurts from those relationships in how you relate to yourself and with others in your life, friends, counselors, teachers, pasteurs, and community members, who can meet you you there.  The healing work you do is always a contribution to your family, whether you process the past with them or not.

Practice
Take a moment now to name for yourself the people in your life that are a contribution to you.  How have they contributed to your healing and well-being?  What action do you want to take on your side to nurture and maintain those relationships?

In one of my favorite movies, "What about Bob?", Bill Murray plays the role of Bob. Bob is obsessed with getting help from his therapist (Richard Dreyfus). There is a scene in which Bob pleads with his therapist,

"I need, I need, I need. Give me, give me, give me!"

You might say, Bob is acting needy.

Needy, as I define it, refers to a situation in which someone is lacking effective strategies for meeting their needs.  Bob behaves in ways that don't consider others and don't consistently meet needs for himself.

He also has just a few strategies for meeting all his needs. These strategies usually interfere with his other needs as well. Desperation, anger, and intolerance come up when the few strategies he knows get blocked.

If you have someone like Bob in your life, one thing you can do is interrupt to connect. Interrupt to connect with their needs and to express your own. Then offer a request that might meet both.

Interrupting in this way is a gift to the person working to develop giraffe consciousness. It doesn't mean harmony will be the immediate result. NVC isn't about maintaining harmony. The road to a deeper more fulfilling connection with yourself and those around you can be pretty rocky and uncomfortable.

It's your willingness to express compassionately the truth of what's alive in you that helps us all to shed our confusion and live with clarity and peace.

The next time you notice that you are calling yourself or someone else "needy", take a moment and ask yourself if particular needs have been attached to one or two specific ways of meeting those needs.  If so, come up with five other ways those needs could be met.  In this way, you can move from "needy" to need responsibility.

Again and again I have caught myself in the trap of living from an idea or ideal rather from what's real and alive in the moment.

Honoring life by experiencing what's alive in the moment fully in body and heart is the spirituality of NVC as I know it.

When I live from an idea of how I think life should be, I push life away – I push away my connection with the Beloved Divine.

When I am teaching Nonviolent Communication (NVC) I often speak of the importance of acceptance of what is as a doorway to connection. But when I say acceptance, I don't mean being a doormat for others' behavior, or to shut down your feelings and needs in order to try to maintain a fascade of calm "acceptance".

By acceptance I am talking about watching, but not buying into to the jackal show that says, "It shouldn't be this way. You shouldn't feel like that. It's not okay to get angry. You should change. I am right! Etc…"

And then saying, "This is the way it is right now." And then fully feeling the feelings that are alive in that moment and naming and experiencing the needs underneath them.

If you are truly accepting a tough situation, in all likelihood grief will flow through you for all the needs going unmet in that situation.

If you are operating under the idea of acceptance as maintaining calm in all situations, you will likely feel numb and eventually depressed.

Relating to my mom has been a lesson in acceptance for me. I want to see her healthy and happy and I have very specific ideas about what she should do to be healthy and happy. I spent years haranguing her with advice; "Mom, you need to exercise. Just start by walking 10 minutes a day. Watching so much TV is contributing to your depression. You need to get involved. What about volunteering at the humane society?" on and on I went.

It doesn't matter if I am "right" about what would help her. The message she receives is that I don't approve of her. That I don't accept her and her life as it is.

To move to acceptance, I stopped pushing for things to be different. I acknowledged that my mom is suffering and I let myself feel the grief and pain of knowing that. When it comes up for me, I express that to my mom now instead of giving her advice and pushing her to change. It sounds something like this; "Mom, when I see you eat ice cream for lunch and dinner, I feel sad because I care so much for your health. Could you tell me what you're hearing me say?" My mom hasn't changed her behavior, but I do feel a loving connection with her that wasn't there before.

Take a three minute time out today just to experience what's alive. Notice the sensations in your body, the sounds you hear, the way the light lands on what's in front of you. The state of your heart – is it expanded or contracted? Does it feel warm and light? Or is there a tension and darkness? Whatever it is just experience it for what it is.

To get into the habit of speaking about what works try this:  At the beginning of the day put five pebbles or beads in your right hand pocket.  Every time you speak to a need being met put one pebble in your left hand pocket.  See if you can move all of them in a day.

This week choose one or more of these practices to help yourself move in the direction of what you want rather than away from what you don't want.

***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs
 

The word "violent" in NVC refers to anything that disconnects us from life. I experience disconnect from life in various ways: a contraction or pulling in, a closing up, a numb or listless feeling, a hardening or rigidity in mind, heart, or body, or a deflation of energy.

Marshall Rosenberg talks about several categories of violent language in his book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. One category that I have found to be popular is comparison.

Comparing jackals can wreak havoc with connection and confidence.

I have spent a lot of time dialoguing with my comparing jackals. One comparing jackal likes to compare my work day with my partner's work day. My partner works 10-12 hour days nearly nonstop. He rises at 4am, leaves the house at 5:20am and returns sometimes as late as 9:30pm. I work at home unless I am seeing clients or teaching a class. I keep my own schedule which looks nothing like his. I can't imagine keeping the schedule he keeps. His endurance and energy far exceeds my own.

My jackals like to bark, "You should work as many hours as he does a day. You should have more energy and stamina. You're weak. You're not contributing as much as you could. Don't be lazy!"

What do I do with these comparing jackals?

I come back to myself and my life. I ask myself some basic questions:

Observation:  What are the facts? On a particularly jackally day I wrote out hour by hour all I had done that day to see exactly how I was making use of my time.

What are my feelings? Am I happy with my work? Do I feel satisfied with my days? Do I feel alive?

Are my needs being met? Do I notice people benefiting from the work I do (need for meaningful contribution)? Am I doing the best I can to take care of my mind, heart, and body so that I can be a vehicle for contributing to and enjoying life (need for integrity and health)? Are my partner's needs for support and mutuality met in our relationship (need for partnership and consideration for others)?

Do I have any requests of myself? Is there something I want to do differently based on my needs? – not based on my jackal's idea of what I should do.

Like any jackal, comparing jackals have our needs in mind. In my example above, the comparing jackals are pointing to needs for integrity, contribution, effectiveness, and partnership. However, thinking I can meet needs by trying to be someone else is a doomed strategy. I am completely unique. There is no certain way set up for me. I get to find my own way, moment by moment.

Practice
Notice the next time a comparing jackal starts barking in your mind. Take time to name the observation, feelings, needs, and requests in that situation.  Each time you are able to pause and check in with yourself like this you build self-trust.  When you trust yourself, you can move through life with a greater sense of confidence and ease.

You might get through one inhale before your mind tosses up something to distract you. If your mind moves this quickly when you are trying to be still, imagine how quickly it moves when it perceives a threat.

Over and over I've heard clients and students express their frustration regarding their ability to access the skills of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in the heat of the moment. They find themselves in reaction, saying and doing things that makes things worse even though they know there is another way.

For the purposes of this article, I define reaction as unconsciously acting from the judgments, interpretations, associations, and stories your mind creates about a particular person or situation. This means monkey mind is in charge of you. When monkey mind is in charge, connected relationships, happiness, and peace are lost.

I want to offer two ways to tame your monkey mind.

One, cultivate a regular meditation practice. At the very least begin to watch the monkey mind.

Meditation Practice

There are many meditation practices. I am specifically recommending a concentration practice for taming your mind.

Choose a do-able period of time for you –anywhere from 5 minutes to 1 hour. Sit comfortably with your back straight but not tense (it helps to have your hips above your knees). Begin by mentally telling each part of your body to relax. Then put your focus on a chosen object – counting your breath, watching a candle, or listening to sounds. Notice each thought that arises and go back to your object of focus. Try to do this at the same time every day.

Two, cultivate a mindfulness practice.

The most basic definition of mindfulness practice is that you are noticing the content of your mind and your sensations and feelings in a given moment.

When you bring awareness to your experience of the present moment you open the door to conscious choice. You can choose to spin stories and interpretations about someone or you can choose to connect with the feelings and needs alive for you with regards to that person.

Every thought you have can move you towards or away from connection to life. Without mindfulness you have no choice about which direction you move.

Mindfulness Practice

Cultivating mindfulness practice starts with intention. I find it helpful to hold both a general and specific intention.

My general intention sounds like this: "I want my mind to stay in the experience of the present moment. I will ask myself many times a day: 'What am I thinking now? Where is my mind?'"

Each morning my husband and I tell each other a specific mindfulness intention for the day. Specific intentions sound like this: "Today I will be mindful of anxiety. Noticing it each time it arises and looking for the thoughts behind it. I will check in several times today to see if anxiety is present." At the end of the day we check in about what we discovered with that mindfulness task. I might keep the same mindfulness task for several days. If you would like further support with mindfulness tasks you can sign up for weekly mindfulness task at http://www.zendust.org/dharmatask.htm

One key to mindfulness practice is learning to use the little spaces in your day: standing in line, stopped at a spotlight, waiting for an internet page to load, on hold on a phone line, bathroom breaks, walking from one room to another, making coffee, etc. In every space you can remind yourself of your intention and bring yourself present to your body sensations and breath. Letting your awareness rest in the breath and body allows the mind to rest.

This week schedule a regular mediation practice. Set up a space in your home and choose a do-able period of time. Write down both a general and specific intention for mindfulness practice. Post what you have written in a place where you will see it every day.

As you cultivate this mindfulness and begin to learn NVC, you may find yourself on a jackal* hunt. You catch yourself and others in judgment, blame, demands, evaluations, and "have to's".

At first, this is all you can do. You notice jackals and disconnect and watch as it escalates. As your mindfulness and skill evolve you are then able to notice disconnect and keep yourself from feeding it.

At this point you are standing on a precipice. You are ready to take a step out of the old way of relating into a whole new paradigm.

If you don't develop the skills and consciousness to step off the precipice into a new paradigm, you can get stuck in a jackal catching program.

You know just enough to catch yourself and others in the subtleties of violent communication. You find yourself saying things like, "That's not NVC!", "That's jackal talk.", "If you can't use NVC I won't talk to you.", "I know this is jackal, but...(more jackal)".

Taking that next step means catching the jackal and then releasing the feelings and needs it is always carrying.

With yourself you catch the jackal, preferably before you express it, and look for the feelings, needs, and requests that are behind the jackal and express those.

When others express in jackal, you work to hear the feelings and needs underneath. For example, "Hearing you say 'I should have been there', I'm guessing you feel disappointed and sad and would like support and caring?" Regardless of what someone is saying you are continually listening to the feelings and needs underneath.

So, the purpose of catching a jackal is not to catch a jackal. The purpose of catching a jackal is to release the universality of feelings and needs underneath thereby joining with the Beloved in yourself and the other.

*Jackal refers to any thinking, speaking, or behavior that creates disconnect from your heart and the hearts of others.

Apologies in NVC  (last week this one was fraught with html code.  So here it is again.  Hopefully all is clear this time)

1.  Offer empathy for the specific behavior of yours that stimulated specific feelings and needs in the other (this means you are listening to the other rather going into an explanation of why you did what you did).
    "When I (your specific behavior), I am guessing you felt ______ because it didn't meet your needs for______?"

2.  Express your own regret that your behavior didn't meet needs for the other and s/he is hurting.
     "Seeing how my actions have affected you, I feel regret and sadness because I care about you."

Friend: I'm feeling frustrated and angry hearing you didn't do the shopping for the trip.

Me: (internal jackal show: "Oh man, here we go. He's going to make a big deal of this.")

Me: (getting defensive and trying to mollify the situation) "It's no big deal. I can go tonight. I will have plenty of time. It won't take long."

Friend: "I'm still frustrated."

Me: (Self-empathy: Internally I notice the tension in me rise and feel the defensiveness. I acknowledge my needs for harmony and ease are not being met. I see that he needs empathy.)

Me: (Empathy- this is the beginnig of an NVC apology) "You're feeling frustrated because you need trust?"

Friend: "Yes, this isn't the first time you haven't done what you said you were going to do when we were planning a trip."

Me: (Internal jackal show: "He's judging me! Grrrr! He should trust me! He doesn't appreciate the work I do in this organization." I notice the jackal show and the anger arising from it.)

Me: (Internal Self-empathy: "Okay I'm reacting. It's painful because acceptance and respect are so important to me in this relationship. I want connection here."   After connecting with myself I have space to offer him empathy.)

Me: (Empathy-continuing step 1 of a NVC apology) "Predictability around the work we do in this organization is really important to you?"

Friend: "Yes. I feel angry and resentful. I notice I am having this thought that you are flaky."

Me: (Internal Self-empathy: I notice the word flaky triggers me. I feel hurt rise up through my chest. I feel anger and want to lash out. I know I can't give empathy from this state.)

Me: (Honest expression): "I feel hurt hearing the word flaky. That's really triggering for me because I'm needing understanding. Could you say your feelings and needs instead of judgments?"

Friend: "No. I need to express what's going on for me."

Me: (Internal Self-empathy: I take about 10 minutes in silence. I connect with my feelings of disappointment and hurt and my needs for understanding and acceptance. I see that we could veer onto another thread of discussion if I follow up on my request. I realize that it's important to go back to the original event rather than getting caught in an argument about expressing judgments or not expressing them.)

Me: (Internal Self-empathy: I take time to get clear on what happened in my decision not to do the shopping that afternoon, and what feelings and needs were up for me then and are up for me now regarding that decision.)

Me: (Honest expression - step 2 of a NVC apology): "When I think about how my behavior didn't meet your needs or my own need for integrity, I feel regret and disappointment because I care about creating trust with regard to our agreements."

"Are you willing to hear what was going for me today?"

Friend:  "Okay"

Me: (step 3 of a NVC apology):  "When I think about my decisions today. I observe that I made a conscious choice to spend more time with my sister and not do the shopping. When I think about her being absent from my life for seven years, I feel grateful to have time with her. It's so important to me to care for her and nourish the connection we have." 

Me: (step 4 of a NVC apology) "I am committed to attending to needs for trust, order, and mutuality around our work projects together.  Next time, I commit to double checking my schedule before I tell you when I will do something and checking in with you first if I want to make a change."

Me: (Connecting request) What comes up for you hearing that?"

This dialogue took a few more exchanges of empathy and honest expression to reach connection and clarity.

Regardless of the twists and turns of an interaction you can come back to the four steps mentioned above with perhaps many pauses for self-empathy along the way.

This week look for situations in which you can practice offering a NVC apology.  Offering an apology doesn't have to be shaming and reactive.  When you start to regularly offer NVC apologies for little ways you don't meet someone's needs you will find that you enjoy the peace and connection these exchanges create.

 
You might catch yourself in little internal battles. One voice says, "I'm really anxious." And another voice says, "There's no reason to feel anxious about this.  It's no big deal, just get it together." 
 
You might try to get away in a more physical way.  You tighten your body and try to create armoring against feeling the anxiety.
 
You might also find yourself desperately tossing about for some relief.  Your mind brings up a menu of possible quick fixes like, another cup of coffee, something sweet, a pain pill, staying focused on work, having sex, drinking alcohol, or smoking pot.
 
Ironically the most relief from anxiety or any uncomfortable feeling is found when you don't try to get away, but rather turn fully toward the feeling.  When you come to stillness, feel your feeling fully, and accept discomfort as a part of your experience in the moment, you get to experience more than just the anxiety and the battle with it.  You experience a bigger sense of yourself that can be with the anxiety.  Lastly, connect with the needs underneath the anxiety.  Let's look more closely at four steps in turning towards anxiety.
 
1.  Stillness   The moment you notice anxiety, come to stillness.  Come to stillness physically by literally stilling your movement, bringing your posture into an upright, relaxed, and centered position, closing your eyes, relaxing your face, and breathing deeply into your belly.  Having a regular meditation practice in which you practice coming to stillness helps you access this stillness when you need it most.
 
2.  Feel Fully   Feel your feeling fully by giving it mindful attention.  Ask yourself these questions to increase your ability to feel the feeling fully:
         -Where in your body does the feeling hang out?
         -Does it move around?
         -Is it deep in your body or more on the surface?
         -Does it have a color or texture?
         -What tone does it create?
         -Is it sharp and specific or dull and generalized?
-What are the actual physical sensations that you are labeling anxiety?
 
3.  Acceptance   Create a relationship of acceptance through the steps above and by simply saying to yourself, "It's okay to feel what I feel".  "Feeling anxious is okay.  There is no real problem."  Feelings are a powerful part of your experience and as such you tend to immediately create meaning from them.  Often the meaning sounds like this, "There is a problem!  I must do something!".
 
4.  Needs   Even though anxiety often arises out of habit, it can still be grounding to connect with the needs underneath.  Often the needs underlying anxiety are the core needs like safety, belonging, support, autonomy, and acceptance.  If you check in with each of these needs and notice how they are already being met or take action to meet them, you will likely experience relief from anxiety.  Unfortunately because anxiety is often habitual that relief may only be momentary.  Practicing grounding in needs and turning towards often enough that it becomes a stronger habit than the anxious pattern creates long term change and peace.
 
This week choose at least one of four steps in turning towards anxiety to practice.  Set up a structure such as an alarm on your phone or post it note to help you remember to practice.

In the framework of Compassionate Communication, love is a need.  Like all other needs it wants to be met in specific and consistent ways to create a balanced and thriving life.

You can meet your need for love with many people in your life in a variety of ways.  With your partner, however, you likely hope to meet this need in a deeper and more consistent way.  Meeting this need with your partner, and they with you, helps to create the bond that provides a secure foundation for your relationship.

To do this it helps to get more subtle and clear about what most meets your need for love.  It also helps to remember that what meets your need for love isn't necessarily what meets your partner's need for love.  Gary Chapman in his book The 5 Love Languages simply and clearly articulates how to tune in to ways your partner's need for love is met.  I highly recommend reading or listening to his book.

You can also start simply with your partner right now.  You might start the conversation by asking if you can try to state all the ways she or he feels most loved by you.  Ask your partner to fill in anything you missed and then switch.

In his book Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix, takes this one step farther by having each partner make a list of the specific ways he or she is loved; and then letting their partner choose from the heart two or three things she or he would like to offer in the coming week.

When you and your partner have been together for a long time, it is easy to fall asleep to the subtleties of how each of you are most loved.  You might find yourself drifting toward complacency or just assuming that your partner's need for love is met in the same ways as yours.

This week take time to have the conversation listed above with your partner.  Celebrate the different ways your need for love is met and challenge yourself to meet each other's need in a way you haven't been lately.

First, get clear on the basic experience of true acceptance.  When you are truly in acceptance there is a sense of ease, clarity, openness, and often warmth. 

When you are thinking you "should accept your partner" (i.e., accepting your partner too much), there is a sense of effort, heaviness, contraction, and lots of deep breathes.  You likely give yourself little pep talks like, "He just needs acceptance and then he'll be okay." Or "She is doing the best she can.  I just have to be patient."  Or "I can be big-hearted here."  Or "I just need to be more loving."  Once in a while these strategies can be helpful in tipping yourself out of reactivity. 

However, if you are, over time, working to accept your partner, it is a recipe for resentment, for two reasons.  First, because it's not about accepting your partner.  Second, because it's about your own needs.

It's not your job to withstand your partner's depression, anger storms, anxiety, substance abuse, etc.  Your job as a loving, supportive partner, in part, is to honestly express your feelings and needs and make clear requests and to authentically listen to your partner's feelings and needs and clarify their requests.  Easily said, not so easily done.

Over the last six months I have watched the "too accepting" dynamic play out in three couples.  In each, one of the partners had taken on the role of smoothing out troubles, being "accepting", and working to please the other.  In so doing each person abandoned his or her needs, passions, and even lifestyle.  The result in each case was the same.  Some trigger event woke up this "accepting" partner to what s/he had given up.  With this waking up came a sudden pulling away from their partner.  A fighter energy then attempted to tend to so many needs so long neglected by taking extreme action and making a lot of plans and decisions.  Unfortunately this reactive energy, because it is so strong, gets confused with truth and clarity, and costly decisions are often made.

Cultivating your ability to be honest about your feelings and needs can start in the smallest most mundane moment.  Notice when you are tempted to omit little facts like, how much those new running shoes cost or how you took an hour nap today instead of finishing the drywall in the basement.  Even omitting little things like this sends a message to yourself that there is not room for you in this relationship or that your relationship isn't big enough to handle little conflicts.

This week notice when you are backing away from expressing your needs or some part of your experience.  Notice when you are working hard to be "accepting".  Take a breath and notice how it feels in the moment.  Ask yourself if this is a feeling you want to cultivate.  If not, ask yourself what it would take to express your truth in that moment.

I know I have felt torn, feeling the natural impulse to create a deep bond with my partner, while at the same worrying about losing myself and being co-dependent.

The trick is making it a conscious decision.  Choosing to enter into an attachment bond with someone means trusting your heart and vulnerability to their caretaking while maintaining your own sense of self-responsibility and choice.

Suffering from poor attachment with my parents, I am still learning how to create healthy attachment in relationships. I spent many years in desperate and hurt feelings as the people I dated and befriended weren't able to respond in the way I needed.  In one failed relationship after another I unconsciously lunged towards those that I thought might be able to fulfill this longing.  In the face of such a powerful drive, I had no access to wise discernment.  But slowly over time, with much suffering, reflection, and support the pattern has begun to reveal itself.

There are many resources on attachment, so I won't get into the theory of that here. I have included some resources at the end of the article, if you would like to learn more.

What I want to emphasize here is an affirmation of your drive toward bonding deeply with another in a conscious mindful way.  Choosing to bond with another is a choice you make again and again, moment after moment.  It's not about jumping into the deep end and hoping she or he will catch you.  It's about allowing another to know you deeply and hold you with care from his or her own conscious choosing to do so.

If you have a sense that a healthy attachment bond is missing in your life, you can begin to explore this by taking little steps with people you trust and with whom you have consistent in person contact.  Mentors, therapists, spiritual teachers, and partners are all likely candidates.

Start to notice how you block the bond and how you let it grow.  For myself, one way I notice that I habitually block a bond is by creating a rigidity in my torso, I sit too straight.  I then move my attention away from feeling and into analysis or subtle, but removed, observation.  While I can sometimes gain insight from this maneuver, I do it at cost to the potential bond with the person present.

In addition to your own thoughts, energy, and body, you might also reflect on your use of technology like facebook, twitter, email, movies, and blogs as possible blocks to bonding.  Technology provides channels for information and entertainment.  It may even serve as a periphery support to a real connection, but it can never replace in person human contact. 

Take a moment now and choose one relationship in which you would like to be especially mindful about this week.  Pay close attention to how you hold back and how you let this other person see you and hold you.

Resources on Attachment Theory & Practice

General Theory of Love

by Thomas;Amini, Fari;Lannon, Richard Lewis

Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson

Attached by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A.

Asking for Advice

Asking for advice, elicits others' thoughts and opinions, which are often given without a clear connection to your needs or the specific context.  To complicate things further, advice can often be perceived as criticism.  You are often left feeling frustrated, just as confused, and perhaps a little more self-critical. 

After hearing the advice you still have the same unmet needs, so, lacking another alternative, you ask for advice again on the same issue and sometimes of the same person.

A couple of things stand out as reasons why you might keep asking for advice even though it doesn't meet your needs.  Intuitively you know others like giving advice so it makes it seem like you are asking less of them.  If you are like a lot of folks, you have some shame about having needs and at the very least you imagine you will burden others with your needs.  In short, even though you may know what to ask to meet your needs, shame and the idea of burden prevent you from being direct and doing what you know works.

You can often work through these blocks by giving your listener a real choice about giving you their time or not.  For example, you might say something like, "I could use some listening around something.  I wonder if this is a good time for you or if later on would be better?"  Most people have difficultly saying "no" when asked to listen.  The key to getting an authentic yes or no is to offer choices that are equally socially acceptable.

At a more basic level you may just not know how to ask in another way.  After all, you likely haven't seen many models of people stating needs and requests directly. Here are some simple ways to ask for support and empathy:

Could you tell me what you are understanding about my situation? (after you share something)

Could you just sit with me and hold me while I feel how scary that was today?

I don't know what my needs are in this situation, would you be willing to hear my story and then help me identify my needs?

I know that if I can talk about this I will get more clear.  Would you be willing to listen?

Giving Advice

If you are in the position of being asked to give advice, you might find that despite your annoyance with what you see as a stuck friend or partner, you continue to willingly and happily offer your opinions and advice.

Giving advice can have an almost addictive quality.  A student in Compassionate Communication recently described his experience of giving advice, "I can feel myself amp up and get grabby.  I puff up and I grab her problem and make it mine.  I get to be important and smart because I am going to be the one to fix it.  Underneath I know I am trying to meet needs for validation and purpose."

If someone asks you for advice, it's helpful to pause before giving it.  In the pause you might notice your own eagerness to be "the one who knows".  Noticing this you can take a deep breath and settle back into your center.

Wisdom doesn't come from advice given from this "grabby" kind of place.  Unconsciously acting from that place (yes, even when elicited by another) you actually sabotage the deeper needs you are trying to meet for self-acceptance, belonging, and purpose.

When someone asks you for advice, you can listen for the request underneath and make some guesses.  For example, "I hear you asking for advice, but I am guessing there might be something else up.  Maybe you just need to hear that it's okay to get upset about that?"

You can also just ignore the request for advice (which is what I often do) and begin to offer empathy.  Empathy reveals deeper needs and also helps the other person get in touch with their own clarity and wisdom.  In the training world, we often say that if at the end of the workshop, participants aren't mentioning the trainers, you know you have done your job well.  That is to say, truly supporting others is about helping them find their own wisdom, not about what you know or can do.

Take a moment now to reflect on recent times when you have asked for and received advice.  If some instances were helpful and others were not, see if you can identify what made it so in each case.  For example, you might ask yourself questions like, "What needs were up for me in each situation?"  "What was the other person saying or not saying that was different?"  "How did I phrase my request?"

If you find yourself frequently giving advice or sharing what you know, take time to check in with where that is coming from.  Is there another way you could be of service or meet your needs for acceptance, belonging, and/or purpose?

You are unconsciously motivated to finish developmental growth cycles that were left incomplete or blocked with your parents.  This unconscious drive towards wholeness shows up under the guise of attraction. 

You are attracted to those who, also unconsciously, set up conditions in which you will be forced to face this unfinished business of your formative years.  At a basic level you are working to feel whole and grounded with one or more of these basic needs which correspond to developmental stages: safety & belonging, support, autonomy & interdependence, authenticity & power, and being seen & accepted. 

It would be an easy healing path if the one you are attracted to didn't also come with their own unconscious patterns to complete.

The tricky part is that when you are just friends or just dating someone, these things don't necessarily show up.  Your psyche is waiting for a committed and stable situation to show these blocked or incomplete developmental growth cycles.  This is likely the major reason why you hear people say, "As soon as we got married, everything changed."

As soon as the commitment is made, both partners psyche's say, "Okay, let's get to work, we have cycles to complete."  The drive towards wholeness takes over.

Unfortunately, this usually isn't a conscious decision and so painful unconscious coping strategies are part of the mix.  Your partner says something like, "Stop pestering me, I don't want to talk about it!" 

If he were conscious of the developmental growth cycle he needs to complete (autonomy & interdependence), he might say something like, "You know I don't have confidence that I can make choices that are right for me and still have you.  I want to change this and be more direct and authentic about my choices.  I wonder if right now as we plan this vacation, you could remind me that you really want to hear what works for me even if it doesn't agree with your ideas?"

You and your partner have spent years coming up with coping strategies to deal with the hurt, grief, and anger of being blocked in the drive towards wholeness.  There are myriad and subtle ways you have learned to defend, attack, avoid, and shut down.  When you are in the thick of it with your partner, it seems there is no end to the ways you disconnect with these coping strategies.

But it only takes one moment of compassionate witnessing to begin to break the spell of your coping strategies and ask what you really want to create.  If even for a moment you can stop yourself in the midst of criticizing your partner or defending yourself or shutting down, and instead ask yourself, "What am I trying to create right now?"  or   "What am I longing for right now?", you can be free.

Each time you feel yourself contract, you are likely engaging a coping strategy.  These coping strategies do not help you move towards wholeness.  They are meant only to keep you together until conditions are right for you to continue your developmental growth pattern.

When you compassionately witness yourself in that moment of contraction; pause, breath deeply, let yourself relax and expand.  From this place of expansion, you can make a decision based on what's really needed in the moment. 

Take a moment now to reflect on the last few days.  Remember moments when you felt a little off in your interaction with someone else or you walked away from an interaction feeling unsatisfied.  Or perhaps you criticized someone else for what they were or weren't doing.  Ask yourself how you might have been attacking, defending, avoiding or shutting down.  Then consider what you would have liked to create in that interaction.

On the surface you might say you are stressed out because you have so much you "have to" do.  This kind of denial of personal responsibility allows you to perceive yourself as a victim of circumstance rather than an empowered decision maker in your own life.  If asked, you would likely say that you don't want to be a victim and yet you often find yourself thinking this way. 

There must be some advantage to being stressed out and pointing to all the work you "have" to do.  There must be some important reason you hear yourself seemingly brag about how stressed you are.

Bragging about being stressed, along with unconsciously creating a stressful life, are often indirect ways of asking to be accepted, loved, and seen. In North American culture, where worth is often measured by how much you are getting done, this is easy to understand.

You can begin to break patterns of fear, clinging, and a consistently undernourished body-heart-mind through compassion for yourself and reminders of what's really true.

Perhaps the most basic intervention is to remind yourself that you really do need to know in a deep way that you are loved and accepted by others.  Whether you are two, twenty-two, or sixty-two years old, you need others in your life who can reflect back to you your innate lovability and hold you in unconditional respect.

As you notice fear and clinging arise under the socially acceptable guise of "stressed out", you can turn your awareness to the love of these special people and start to dismantle the delusion that your worthiness depends on what you achieve.  Taking even three breaths of mindfulness to find the place in you that can feel this sense of being loved and accepted is helpful in breaking the pattern.

Sometimes this very consistent mindfulness practice is all that is needed to significantly shift the level of stress you experience.  You can be engaged in the same activities with a different frame of mind.  With practice you can remain connected to your choice and enjoy how what you do serves life.

However, if "stressed out" is a consistent refrain for you, then more substantial changes might be needed.  If you are driven to prove your lovability through getting more done, then you have likely created a life style and attitude that consistently deprives you of meeting many of your needs.

Take a few moments now, close your eyes and bring into your awareness someone who you know loves and cares about you.  Let a warmth come into your chest and gently encourage your body to let go and relax so that this warmth can fill your whole body.

From this state of mindful loving-kindness, begin to reflect on your life and decisions in a gentle way.  Ask yourself, "What can I let go of?  What do I need to give more attention to?"  Sometimes examining your fantasies and day dreams can help you name the needs that are asking for your attention.  For example, I know that when I have the sudden impulse to go to Mexico, that I am missing a sense of groundedness in my life (a need that is easily met for me when I am in Mexico).

As you begin to shorten your "have to" list, it will be important to notice the truth about those special people in your life.  Did anyone stop loving you because you didn't get as much done as you thought you should?  Expressing distorted views out loud gives you and others the opportunity to see delusions for what they are and cultivate more supportive beliefs and experiences.

This week commit to engaging the mindfulness practice described above each time you notice yourself feeling stressed out.  Write yourself reminder notes or set reminders on you phone to support you in remembering to practice.

Abandonment has been one of the biggest issues with which I have worked.  I call it simply, my abandonment trigger.  Through counseling I became aware of the ways in which my parents abandoned me when I was growing up.  This has been important to realize and what has been equally important is seeing the ways in which I have abandoned myself as an adult.

Often when I think someone is abandoning me, I am abandoning myself.
In this context I define abandoning yourself as disconnecting from your feelings and needs and making decisions from guilt, obligation, and "should's".  When this is done consistently over a period of time, you will likely become depressed.

You might have all sorts of reasons for setting your feelings and needs aside.  For example, you might say one or more of the following to yourself:

-I shouldn't be upset, it's not that big of a deal
-I agreed to do this so I just have to do it
-S/he will be happy if I just go along with it
-No one else is feeling this way, I shouldn't
-I am the bigger person, I don't have to talk about my needs

Often these voices are in the background guiding your decisions little by little.  When this goes undetected you might find yourself suddenly feeling angry and resentful accusing another of abandoning you or not caring about what you need.

This week listen for the voices of self-abandonment.  Each time you hear them turn to honoring yourself.  You might say something like, "It's okay to feel this feeling; it's okay to have these needs, how can I care for another and still honor my own needs?"

One major trigger for depression is a series of jackal thoughts you have about yourself.

If you have ever tried sitting still and clearing your mind, you likely noticed thoughts coming and going at great speeds and quantities.

It's not surprising that you are often unaware of a good deal of your own thinking.

Depression lets you know that jackal thinking has been happening outside of your conscious awareness.  Jackal thoughts that stimulate depression typically come in one of these forms:

"I shouldn't feel sad, scared, angry, disappointed, depressed, shocked, tired, stressed, upset, happy, bored, lonely . . .etc."

"It's not okay for me to need affection, understanding, friendship, trust, comfort, safety, rest, family, community, intimacy, love, . . . etc."

"I should be more independent, less reactive, more patient, more aware, more focused, more energetic, more healthy, . . . etc."

"What's wrong with me? I should be over this by now. This should not be an issue. I should know better."

"I have got to stay in control of my emotions. If I let myself feel what's coming up I won't be able to handle it. "

"Emotions are dangerous and unpredictable and will take over if I don't keep them in check."

"I don't deserve to take up space with my own needs and feelings. I deserve to be punished."

"I am being selfish."

These all send one basic message: DON'T EXIST. Suppress who you are. Suppress your feelings and needs.

The tricky thing about thoughts is that they can run from habit energy created a long time ago. As a child, you might have been in a situation where you were given the message that your feelings and needs weren't important or had the experience that expressing and having them was wrong.  You may have internalized this experience such that it became a habitual way of thinking about and perceiving yourself.  How do you undo these habits?

When you notice depression coming up, stop and review what your thoughts have been. Look for all the situations where you could have possibly given yourself the message not to feel, or not to be the way you are.

I find it easiest to first ask myself what has happened. I work my way from the most recent events backwards.  If I feel any bit of emotion recalling an event, I start writing the thoughts I had. If you haven't done this before you may draw a blank when trying to remember your thoughts. Keep asking the question: "What were my thoughts?  What was I telling myself?" Wait, and they will appear.

When you have found the disconnecting thoughts, write them down.  They have much less power over you when they are outside your head.  Then begin working through the four steps:

Observation: What actually happened?

Feelings: It's okay for me to feel what I feel! What feelings did I have when it happened? You might notice here that your feelings are stimulated by your interpretation of the event rather than the event itself. You might also ask the question, "What do I feel when I don't believe my interpretation of what happened?"

Needs: It's okay for me to have needs! What needs were alive for me in the moment? What needs are alive for me now?

Request: What actions do I want to take to meet my needs? Is my request specific enough that anyone hearing it would know exactly what to do?

You have a choice about your thinking. You can choose not to believe your thoughts. You can choose to change your thoughts. You can create an internal reality that connects you to life.  For more on this check out Richard O'Connor's book Undoing Depression.

Feel your feelings. Honor your needs. Know your thoughts. Choose to shine a light inward and care for your inner world with compassion.

Common responses to another's self-criticism tend to take the form of directives or information like; "Don't be so hard on yourself.", "Be kind to yourself.", "It's normal to make that mistake.", "It's no big deal."  This can be helpful when the self-criticism doesn't go very deep.

At other times, you can offer your own honest expression and make a request.  For example, "Hearing you say that about yourself, I feel sad because I care about you.  Would you be willing to say the feelings and needs that are behind those judgments?"  or  "Hearing you say that about yourself, I feel anxious, because I want to connect.  Would you be willing to name three things you did well in that situation?"

You can also offer empathy.  Remembering that all judgments are an expression of feelings and needs, you can make a guess about the feelings and needs behind the self-criticism.  For example, your partner says something like, "I should have known better.  How could I have been so blind?!"  You might offer in response, "Yea, you really value being clear about this kind of thing and feel disappointed that you couldn't get that clarity.  Is that it?"

In my experience, most people can come out of self-criticism for the moment with a few empathy guesses.  But sometimes the pattern of self-criticism is so strong that the guesses seem to bounce off an invisible wall.  If you notice this happening you can return to honest expression and address this directly.  For example, "I'm feeling frustrated because I want to connect.  Can you pause for a minute and notice if any of the guesses I have made really match your experience?"

If your partner is then able to name a feeling and need that resonate, you can help the process continue by asking how he or she wants to meet that need.  For example, "Okay, I am hearing you really need clarity in situations like these and it can be hard to access.  What would you like to do differently that you think would help you get clarity in a future similar situation?"

Another intervention that can help break the pattern of self-criticism is to make space for grief.  Often self-criticism is a strategy for avoiding the feeling of grief. When you are connected with your heart and the flow of met and unmet needs, you will find that grief and sadness are a natural and frequent part of daily life. 

Using the example above you might make space for grief for your partner by saying something like, "Because you didn't have the clarity you needed in that situation, I'm guessing you feel grief over the loss of all kinds of needs that might have been met like friendship, fun, and support.  Is that right?"

The best thing your partner can do is express self-criticism out loud so that it can be transformed.  When self-criticism is internal and unconscious, it creates disconnect, depression, and irritability.  You can support your partner and your relationship by welcoming self-critical voices out into the open where they can serve as a doorway to the heart.

This week, practice meeting self-criticism as an opportunity to connect with feelings and needs, by offering empathy or honest expression.

Building a bridge of connection can take many forms.  You are likely doing this off and on all day with the people around you.  You intuitively know how important it is to do this with co-workers, employees, clients, etc.  With your partner however, you might lapse into the assumption that the bridge is there and you don't have to keep building it.  This couldn't be farther from the truth.

You and your partner likely feel and express more vulnerability with each other than in any other relationship you have.  Bridge building and maintenance needs to be as constant as your breath to hold this much vulnerability with love and compassion.

Let's look at a specific example.  Your partner has been away on a business trip.  After dinner she says she is going to go out and work in her studio for a while.  You feel your heart sink.  You were hoping for some time with her.  As she leaves, you feel hurt and resentment arise.  She comes back in for some tea a bit later and greets you.  You are cold to her and she asks what's wrong.

This is the critical moment.  You want to share your feelings and needs and you hope she can receive them with kindness.  If you don't recognize that the two of you have been in different worlds for the last hour, you are likely send your feelings and needs across to your partner with no bridge to hold them.  Instead of hearing your heart, your partner may hear an attack and begin defending.

You can build a bridge by acknowledging both worlds before expressing your vulnerability.  Maybe you say something like, "Honey, I know you are stressed out from your trip and working in your studio helps you to decompress.  I want you to take the time you need.  At the same time I notice I miss you and want to have some time together.  Do you have any interest in snuggling and checking in at some point tonight?"  Expressing your feelings and needs in this way you offer compassion to your partner and take responsibility for your needs.

Here are some other ways to build a bridge with your partner:

§       Check for Readiness:  You honor yourself and your partner when you ask if he or she is ready and willing to talk about something before diving into it.

§       Support Autonomy:  Before making any request, you can begin with reassurance that you really want your partner to say yes or no based on what really works for them.  This shows you aren't making a demand, but rather have the flexibility to negotiate decisions in a way that works for both of you.

§       Affirm Inclusion:  Even as you are doing things on your own you can include your partner.  You can offer simple things like reminding him or her that you are holding them in your heart, letting them know that having their support in taking care of yourself is important, and affirming that you consider the impact of your decisions on him or her.

§       Share Met Needs:  Make it a habit to explicitly acknowledge all the mundane and special ways your partner meets your needs and the needs of your family.  This helps your partner to trust that you see his or her good intention and contribution.  When this trust is present it's much easier to meet an expression of unmet needs without reactivity.

This week notice all the little and big ways you build and maintain a bridge with the people around you.  Ask yourself if you are making an equal effort with your partner.  If not try experimenting with bringing as much carefulness and respect to your partner as you would with a client, supervisor, or other important relationship.  Set aside a whole day for this practice or for one of the practices above (acknowledging both worlds, checking for readiness, supporting autonomy, affirming inclusion, or sharing met needs).

When your partner is in the trance of reactivity, he or she is transposing the past onto you.  Certainly when she or he is using your name with various accusations, it is hard to remember that what your partner is saying is really not about you.

When you do make it about you, typically you go into a reactive trance as well and start defending and/or accusing back. 

If you take a moment now to reflect on what your partner is like when he or she is in reactivity, you probably know quite a bit.  You can likely name the tone & volume of voice, facial expressions, body language, and particular phrases that are signs of reactivity. 

The more you mindfully track these signs in your partner, the more likely you are to catch reactivity when it first arises.  The earlier reactivity is met, the easier it is to break the trance of it and get grounded.

Bringing all this to mind now, you can practice grounding yourself in a big perspective of what's actually happening in those moments.  Which is, of course, that underneath your partner's reactivity, he or she is experiencing feelings like fear, hurt, or shame and has specific needs.  I'm guessing that if you take another moment right now, you can likely name which needs are connected to which reactive patterns (There is a feelings and needs list on my website if you want one.).  They tend to be the same ones over and over again.

Be careful here.  The purpose of learning about your partner's reactivity is not so that you can try to behave in such a way that she or he never reacts.  Not only is this impossible, it also creates a relationship that's more about avoiding and suppressing than coming together and expressing aliveness.

The purpose of learning about your partner's reactivity is so that you can choose how you would like to respond rather than react.

When you can meet your partner's reactivity in this grounded way, there are many choices you can make.  Here are a few that could be helpful:

*Set a Boundary:  If your partner is name-calling or using other language that doesn't meet your need for respect, it's helpful to set a boundary immediately by saying what you want.  For example, "I need respect, please say that differently."  If your partner doesn't respond to this, then you may set a further boundary by saying you will return at some specific time and then removing yourself physically from the environment.

*Honest Expression:  You might express what's going on for you.  For example, "As I hear you right now I feel disconnected and I really want to connect.  Can we pause in silence and take a few deep breaths?"

*Empathy Guess:  You can make an attempt to hear what's going on for your partner underneath the reactivity.  For example, "I'm hearing that when I told you how drive, it really didn't work for you."  Or  "Sounds like you're angry and hurt and want things to be fair?"

*Offer Reassurance:  Because reactivity is based on a perceived threat, reassurance about what is actually true is almost always helpful.  This can be tricky, because you may try to offer reassurance by denying the accusations you are hearing.  You might hear yourself say something like, "I am not trying to control you!"  This very different from saying, "I really want you to choose what's right for you."

If you already know the need that tends to be associated with a particular reactive pattern, your reassurance can be very specific.*

CAUTION:  I am not encouraging you to point out your partner's reactivity to them or coach them out of it.  When your partner is reacting and hurting, pointing out that she or he is in a reactive trance based on past wounding is very unlikely to be helpful.  Your partner is likely to react to such a comment with a sense of shame and defensiveness.  Doing this you are likely putting yourself in a position of power over.  Neither will create connection.

The important part here is that if you can recognize reactivity for what it is, you can at the very least keep yourself from expressing reactivity back and at the very best offer a healing response.  Take time now to think about a consistent reaction your partner has.  Name its signs and the feelings and needs you guess are underneath.  Decide how you will respond the next time it shows up.

* You can simplify your guess about needs by starting getting to know these universal patterns and associated needs: 

1.  Reactive Feeling & Pattern        

Overwhelm, terror, shut down, dissociation, overanalyzing

Associated Needs  safety & belonging

2.  Reactive Feeling & Pattern        

Hopelessness, sense of abandonment, disowning needs, not accepting help

Associated Needs  support

3.  Reactive Feeling & Pattern        

Shame, humiliation, helplessness, rage, puffing up & getting tough or charming, persuading, and manipulating others

Associated Needs acceptance of vulnerability

4.  Reactive Feeling & Pattern        

Anger, resentment, passive resistance, refusing to commit, becoming immovable, having a sense of being in a hopeless bind

Associated Needs autonomy

5.  Reactive Feeling & Pattern

Anxiety, hurt, perception of being ignored or rejected, working hard to win love and attention through high drama, big sparkle, or great achievements.        

Associated Needs being seen/heard, and unconditional love.

Though you might often take for granted the presence of air, food, and water, you can likely easily acknowledge your dependence on others and the environment in a physical way. 

Acknowledging your emotional / psychological dependence may not be so easy or straightforward*.  You might believe that real adults are supposed to be responsible and take care of themselves and that you should be independent and meet your needs on your own, or not have needs at all.

The fact is that you are constantly moving through a cycle of needs.  First you become aware a need, then you take an action to meet it by interacting with others and the environment, then you experience satisfaction of the met need, and then you rest in completion.  This cycle flows smoothly or not depending on your relationship to it.

  In learning Compassionate Communication (NVC), you often hear about how important it is that you take full responsibility for your needs.  But this isn't about being independent.  It's about responsible interdependence.  You are constantly meeting the needs of others as they are meeting your needs.  In a healthy interdependent flow you get to have your needs met while being in harmony with and meeting the needs of others.

You can become more responsible in this flow of interdependence by noticing exactly how needs are met or unmet, and communicating directly about this.   In this way, you can work to create ever more subtle levels of conscious consideration among the groups of people with whom you interact.

When you imagine you are independent of others, there is a subtle shaming of the fact that you need others to thrive.  Shame shuts you down to your own experience.  Shaming and shutting down can look a lot of different ways on the outside.  You might cope by creating a facade of smiles and friendliness.  You might cope by becoming goal oriented and keeping a near constant schedule of activity.  You might also simply get by in a depressed state, using what you can to keep yourself going.

However, the drive to thrive is an unstoppable force.  You will take action to meet your needs.  In the presence of shame, this action is an underground movement and often takes the form of unconscious habitual strategies that tend to cost as many needs as they meet.

In cultivating a responsible interdependence, you are asked to drop the illusion of independence and stand upright and transparent in the truth of your neediness.  You take responsibility for this truth by

§       Practicing mindfulness and meditation and becoming ever more conscious of the complexity of you.

§       Stating your needs, making requests, and entering creative negotiation regarding what works best for all.

§       Guessing the needs of others asking them what would meet their needs.

§       Noticing when needs are met and expressing appreciation frequently.

§       Availing yourself of opportunities to meet your physical needs thoroughly with clean water, healthy food, consistent exercise, and enough rest and sleep.

This week, notice your interdependence by naming all the people that met needs for you each day.  Let yourself include the simple and mundane, like the grocery clerk who met a need for kindness by offering an authentic smile and eye contact or the person in the car who paused for you so you could walk across a busy street.

*In the book A General Theory of Love  by Thomas;Amini, Fari;Lannon, and Richard Lewis (Jan 9, 2001), which I highly recommend, our emotional / psychological interdependence is explored through decades of research studies.

Imagine your partner gets home later than anticipated and it triggers past pain for you.  You feel your heart race and anger rise.  You want to lash out with an accusation.  "Where were you?!"  "Who were you with?!"  All your experiences of hurt and betrayal rush to the forefront with fear and anger in the lead.  It feels like a tidal wave and it's hard to stop. 

Here's the first thing to know.  Don't try to stop the tidal wave.  This only makes things worse.  Much better to grab your surf board and ride it.  You do that by knowing its effects, naming it, and getting help.

Know the effects of acting from reactivity by taking time to reflect in an intentional way. This means noticing how you feel after expressing reactivity, how it affects your body, energy level, and mind state for the minutes, hours, and days to follow.  Track your partner and your relationship in the same way.  How long does it take for the two of you to feel close again?  What are the effects on your partner?  Ask him or her about physical, mental, and emotional effects s/he experiences.  Noticing all of this helps you to appreciate the costs of expressing reactivity as well as knowing it more intimately.

Being able to name your reactivity both in the moment and when you are not reactive is also important. Naming reactivity might sound like this, "I am so triggered right now!  My mistrust stuff is up.  Can you sit with me while I take a few breaths?"

Naming your reactions to yourself and your partner when you are not in it is also helpful.  Articulating the thoughts, sensations, feelings, and impulses that are a part of that state and how you are working with them makes it easier for you and your partner to stay in a grounded, compassionate, and supportive place around it. 

As you work with your reactivity in this way, you learn what helps you to detach from it and locate in your center.  Knowing this you can ask your partner to do or say particular things that might help.  Here are some examples of what I have heard people request their partner do or say when they are reactive:

-Physical touch:  hold my hand, stroke my hair, hug me

-Affirmations:  Say things like - It's okay to react.  I am here and I want to connect.  I'm with you.  I love you and I am not leaving.  You're important to me.  I'm not mad at you.  I want you to be yourself.  

-Empathy:  Guess feelings and needs - Yea, you're feeling really angry.  This hit you hard.  You want trust (or whatever need is alive).  Feeling panicky (or whatever feeling is present)?

-Code words or signs:  I have also heard couples come up with code words or signs that identify the reactive state and remind them of their intention to connect.  For example, putting a hand on your heart, saying "let's breath", howling like a jackal, using a prop like a funny hat, etc.

What is almost never helpful in de-escalating reactivity is:

-Immediately explaining your side of things

-Rationalizing:  Trying to explain how there is no reason to react. Or, conversely, if you are the one reacting, trying to explain how you have every reason to react.

-Minimizing:  saying it wasn't a big deal and how others wouldn't react that way.

-Shaming:  saying things to yourself or your partner like, "You're being oversentive."  "Don't be such a child."  "Toughen up you're an adult now."  "You are being ridiculous."

This week, practice with little reactions like impatience in traffic or irritation at a long line.  Use the steps listed above (knowing the effects of reactivity, naming it, and asking for help) to reflect on your reactivity. Remember, practicing with reactivity doesn't mean you are trying to shut yourself down and will yourself not to react.  It's about being in conscious relationship with it so you are surfing the wave rather than drowning in it.

-You feel your shoulders get tight (or any part of you contracts)
-You start to talk louder and faster
-Your mind starts to go fuzzy
-You shut down and feel paralyzed
-Irritation and anger arise
-You criticize yourself or others
-You think in extremes (always, never)
-You feel defensive and start explaining yourself

-Your body either freezes or becomes very active

Reactions are difficult, but the reaction itself is not the most difficult thing.  Choosing to behave from it as though it were real is where the trouble starts.

When you behave from reaction as though it were real, others tend to do the same and react to your reaction.  Before you know it you are in a disconnected spiral.

The biggest gift you can give to yourself and those close to you is to accept and own your reactions.  For me this is a constant practice.  I had an incredibly balanced week last week; lots of mindfulness, rest, exercise, connection, meaningful work, and play.  Still there were times of reactivity.  My jackals really got on my case.  They were convinced that having such a balanced week I should not have any reactivity.  Again I had to ground myself in the practice of accepting reactivity.  It helps me to consider that reactivity is born from this whole life time and many life times past.  It's a freight train of habit energy moving through and sometimes the best I can do is jump off the tracks and watch it until it passes.

Letting the freight train of reactivity go by means first noticing the symptoms of reactivity and then labeling it for yourself and, if someone is with you, for them.  You might say something like, "I just noticed I am reacting to something.  Give me a moment."  Or  "I am triggered.  I need to take a moment."

After labeling the reactivity you engage the part of you that just witnesses.  Take some time to sit still and notice all the sensations, thoughts, images, and impulses, without taking any action from them.  You might find that it is easier to do this when you can tell yourself "I am reacting and that's okay.  It's okay to react.  (It's okay to feel nervous, anxious, panicky, angry, defensive, etc.).

If the reaction is a familiar one that you have worked through in the past, you might find it most effective to just feel it until it passes without letting your mind get involved.  If a reaction is a surprise, it's helpful to track down the trigger event, name your interpretation of that event, and identify the feelings and needs underneath.

When you can take these steps in the face of reaction, life gets a little easier for you and for those around you.  When your partner or someone close to you sees you react and then sees you take responsibility for it in this way, they can breath a sigh of relief that they won't be the target for reactive energy and words.

This week start this process by noting the symptoms of reaction (listed above) each time they pop up and then take three breaths to feel the sensations before moving on to the next thing.

You probably don't have the energy to hear your partner with empathy, but what you can practice is staying with yourself, set a boundary, and choose not to follow your partner to jackal-land.

There are many strategies that can help you stay with yourself while at the same time setting a boundary with your partner.  The important thing about the strategy you choose is that it is something authentic and honest that you can access in the midst of feeling hurt.  Here are some ideas:

§       Respond by stating your need simply and directly.  For example, if you ask your partner to wash the dishes and he begins to complain about how you don't care for the yard, you might say something like;

o       "I am wanting collaboration."

o      "I want us to get along." 

o       "I want this to work."

o      "I need kindness."

You may find that your partner reacts with more jackal.  Your job in that case is to continue to stay with yourself, even if it means repeating the same phrase again and again.

§       Reveal your feeling of the moment.  This is perhaps one of the most difficult strategies because you often don't want to reveal vulnerability when jackals are present.  However, it can be helpful in reminding your partner about the cost of speaking from jackal. Here are some ways that you can express your feeling and set a boundary:

o      That hurts.  Please say it differently

o      That's painful to hear.  Could you try again?

o      I feel reactive hearing that.  I will talk to you later.

§       Make a simple statement about what doesn't work and what are you going to do or not do.  This is the least vulnerable strategy in that a feeling or need is not stated directly.  However, it can still serve the purpose of providing information, setting a boundary, and staying with yourself.  It might sound something like this:

o      That doesn't work for me.  I will talk with you later.

o      I am not having this conversation right now.

o      That's not the way I want to communicate.

o      I won't participate in this kind communication.

Your partner doesn't want to speak violently anymore than you want to hear it.  It is simply that in the moment his or her centered consciousness has been derailed by internal jackals and uncomfortable feelings.  When you stay with yourself and set a boundary, you are contributing to the health of your relationship.  Trying to reason with the content of what a jackal is saying is almost never helpful. 

Analyzing and finding fault will not bring you closer.  I have worked with couples in which one partner consistently engages in subtle analysis and fault finding of his or her partner.  The person receiving the analysis usually values self-reflection and transformation and so imagines s/he should consider the content of those jackals.  This tends to lead to a spiral of disconnect.  Whenever your partner starts to analyze you or talk about you other than to refer to a very specific behavior, immediately interrupt and ask him or her to express an observation, feeling, need, or request or engage in one of the strategies listed above.

This week choose one of the strategies above to experiment with the next time a jackal comes your way.

You have likely tried all sorts of ways to get your partner to do better self-care.  You may have asked for and tried to plan more quality time together.  You may have tried to help your partner with strategies for setting boundaries and saying no to requests from others.  You may have made threats of one kind or another.  You have perhaps found that you cannot plead, cajole, or strategize your partner out of a pattern of what you perceive as self-neglect and taking on too much.

What you can do, is stay in touch with your own feelings and needs and communicate them directly.  Many needs may come up for you in this situation.  You have a need to protect and nurture life and in this case the life of your partner.  In regards to that, you may frequently say something in a particular moment like, "When I hear you say you are going to help your mother tonight and I see you slumped in the chair with exhaustion, I worry about your well being.  Would you be willing to consider a way you could get some rest and your mother could still get the support she needs?"

With regards to your relationship, needs for presence, play, and aliveness may be up for you.  You can communicate these needs situation by situation, stating a specific observation, feeling, need, and request.  For example, you might say things like, "I hear you say you are willing to go to the park with us and at the same time I hear how tired you say you are, I feel anxious and downhearted because I am wanting a sense of energy and presence.  Would you be willing to take the evening to do what is restful and rejuvenating for you and come to the park with us in the morning?"

You might also want to communicate about the pattern you are experiencing and your need for consistency with regards to the energy your partner brings to the relationship.  It might sound something like this, "When I think about the last month and a half and remember that you spent five of six Saturdays working, I feel hopeless and sad because I am longing for a consistent sense of energy and play in our partnership.  Can you tell me what you are hearing me say?"

Referring to patterns is tricky in relationship because it is easy to shift from a collaborative consciousness to an argument about who is to blame and who has contributed to what needs.  Naming a pattern in your partner's behavior can quickly shift to making him or her the problem and the thought that ‘if only s/he would change, everything would be better'. 

As you enter into any conversation about what you perceive as patterns of behavior in your partner, it's important to ask what pattern of behavior you have developed in reaction to this.  Perhaps, you shut down and quietly endure the absence of your partner.  Perhaps you move toward distraction through food, movies, or computer games.  Perhaps you swing from hopelessness to explosive demands. 

Whatever accompanying pattern you notice in yourself, you can bring yourself back into present moment aliveness by asking yourself what you value most and what you want to create with your partner.  This is your north star.  With each situation and interaction, you can ask yourself, ‘Is what I am doing or saying moving toward or away from what I want to create with my partner?'

The purpose here is come into ever more subtle levels of honesty with yourself and your partner without the goal of changing your partner.  Your partner will either find a way to collaborate with you or not.  As you stay honest with yourself, you will be able to more accurately discern your partner's efforts and your own willingness to continue to engage in an effort to meet the needs you would like to meet in your relationship.

The person who seems to be coming toward you in a big, forceful, or loud way is likely looking for you to meet them.  As you withdraw, s/he comes forward and you withdraw more and s/he comes forward more, and so the cycle goes.

If this person is your partner or a family member, withdrawing and avoiding is costing lots needs for you and others.  Here are three things to consider that can help you change this cycle.

1.  Take up space.  One way to stay connected to yourself in the face of big energy coming toward you is to get big yourself.  This doesn't mean yelling or stomping about.  It could be as simple as keeping yourself talking.  Tell a silly story or joke, share the mundane details your dental care, anything that equalizes the expression between the two of you.  You may have to stretch yourself by giving up your usual subtle and quiet way of sharing.

2.  Set Boundaries Moment by Moment.  As your partner is talking and you go fuzzy, lean forward and touch her on the arm and say something like, "I want to be connected and I am losing you.  Can I tell you what I heard so far?" 

Or perhaps your aunt is visiting and comes in the bedroom and starts talking to you as you are dressing the kids.  You might say, "Aunt Vivian, I would like to talk with you after I get the kids ready.  Can you give us a few minutes?"

3.  See Needs rather than a threat.  If you find yourself overwhelmed and withdrawing, then some part of you is perceiving a threat.  In actuality this person is likely just trying to meet a need for acceptance, love, belonging, connection, etc.  When you can remind yourself of this, you are less likely to become reactive.  Of course guessing someone's needs doesn't mean you are the one that is supposed to meet them.  From a centered place you can decide if you have the energy to contribute or if you need to take care of yourself and set a boundary.

Take a moment now to reflect on any relationships in your life in which you find yourself, overwhelmed, backing down, or shutting down.  Make a plan about what you would like to do to shift this dynamic the next time you are with this person.

My hope for you is that listening doesn't have to be such hard work.  The first thing that might bring you some relief is to remember that most of the time when someone is sharing something with you all he or she wants is to be heard. 

I do a little exercise in the workshops I offer in which one person speaks for three minutes, while the other person listens silently.  At the end of the three minutes the listener uses a list of feelings and needs to make guesses about or say back the feelings and needs the speaker expressed.  Again and again the responses of the speaker in this exercise are the same:

"I was surprised how good it felt to be heard."

"I was so relieved to speak knowing I wouldn't get advice."

"Just having the space of three minutes without interruption, I got insight into my situation."

"After being heard, I could let go of the situation."

The listeners in this exercise typically express the following:

"I noticed how often I wanted to give advice."

"I kept feeling responsible, like I had to meet his needs."

"I didn't want to see her in pain.  It was hard not to jump and say everything would be okay."

These are the habits of listening a lot of us grew up with.  They are not so easy to change.  On the other hand, you feel exhausted carrying the burden of all the ways you think you need to respond when someone shares something with you.  To make matters worse, you are not necessarily helping by carrying that burden.  Remembering that most folks just want their feelings and needs heard first can allow you to put down some of that burden.

The second thing that can help you lighten your load is to ask the other person what kind of listening they want.  Good cues that it would be helpful to ask this question are:

§       You start to feel restless or resentful as you're listening.

§       Your head starts aching with all the analysis and problem solving you're doing.

§       You start to offer information and the other person looks dejected.

§       You reach out to console with a hug and the other person pulls away.

§       You feel tired and disconnected as the other is talking.

Here are some ways you could ask the other person what kind of listening she or he is asking for:

"Just to be clear, are you needing to be heard or are you wanting advice?"

"I want to hear you and I am starting to go fuzzy.  Can you tell me what you are wanting in telling me this?"

"Would it help to have me say back what I am understanding you to say so far?"

"I notice I want to problem solve.  Is that what you are looking for?"

This week pick one person to practice listening in this new way.  At least once this week ask that person what kind of listening he or she wants.  Remind yourself as you listen for and reflect back feelings and needs that you are not responsible for meeting them.  See if you can hold the other person as capable of meeting their own needs or explicitly making a request when they have one.  Let yourself enjoy listening to another's heart.

This idea that if you can prove someone wrong, your needs will not only be valid but also met is one of the most insidious notions in our communal consciousness.  It keeps us in right/wrong consciousness rather than in a consciousness in which everyone's needs can be met.

It's no wonder then, that you see yourself playing this out in your partnership. Your relationship is precious to you and how your partner sees you is an important part of your relationship.  So when you perceive a threat to that precious connection, you react strongly with the strategy that's been modeled the most - make the other person wrong.

Moving out of this habit isn't just about knowing what else to do, it's about trusting another way.  In the practice of Compassionate Communication you are learning many skills, but most importantly you are learning to trust that your needs and the needs of others' can be met through shared honor and understanding.

This starts with naming and honoring your own needs.  When your partner is doing or saying something that doesn't work for you, keep your attention with yourself and what you are needing rather than what your partner is doing "wrong".

Let's imagine a scenario in which your partner starts to tell you how to drive and how you should have taken this other route and if you had you wouldn't be running late.  You feel the irritation rise and the impulse to defend or attack is like the tension of a drawn bow and arrow.  Before you release the bow, you say to yourself, "This won't help.  Releasing the arrow of my defense or attack will only create more pain and distance.  What do I really want right now?" 

Your partner may or may not have continued talking while you checked in with yourself.  Either way, you come out and take a risk by sharing what you want.  You might say something like, "I am hoping for some support right now.  Would you be willing to tell me if there is a part of you that knows that I am doing the best I can?"

Staying with yourself and expressing your needs, sometimes means completely letting go of responding to the content of what the other person said.  Connecting honestly from the heart doesn't necessarily include adhering to polite conventions.  As you experience the benefits trusting this new way of responding, you realize that staying aware of yourself is absolutely vital to creating the connection and clarity you long for in your relationships.

This week, notice when your attention moves to what's wrong with someone else and what they should or shouldn't be doing.  Experiment with bringing your attention back to yourself.  Notice your experience and ask yourself what you are really wanting.

I have seen this tragic cycle play out with numerous couples.  For the person behind the wall, your attempts to connect often get interpreted as criticism.  Thus, making it seem more necessary to keep a distance.  Then, in your frustration, you actually do begin to criticize.

Your pain of loneliness, imagined rejection, hurt, and a longing for intimacy, left unattended, turns to resentment and anger and fuels the cycle.  You can intervene in this cycle by first attending to your own feelings and needs.  Your willingness to feel what's true for you allows you to begin to accept what's happening rather than fight it by pulling at your partner.

Naming your feelings and needs without a story about how your partner should or shouldn't be and receiving empathy (not collusion) from others can create some spaciousness.  In this space, you can start to see your partner as someone struggling to meet needs rather than someone who is "suppose to" be intimate with you.

Seeing your partner in this way you can get curious about her or his world.   You might ask yourself what needs your partner is trying to meet by keeping a distance.  Of course, you are only guessing (unless your partner is willing to hear your guesses and confirm which are true).  Guessing allows you to begin to align with your partner rather than pull at her or him.  Even this shift of focus in you can begin to create more intimacy.

My guess is that keeping a distance is often a strategy meant to meet needs for safety.  Your partner may be unsure that his or her authenticity is wanted.  S/he is perhaps fearful that coming closer will lead to more pain by being used or betrayed.  These perceptions may or may not have much to do with you and your behavior, but rather may come from past hurts.  Either way your partner's feelings and needs are valid simply because this is his or her experience.

Whether these guesses or others are true or not, you now have some choices.  You can leave the relationship deciding that meeting your partner in his or her indirect expression of needs is more than you are up for.  Having this clarity is an important gift to you both.  If you stay because you think you should, you both will be in for a long road of anger and resentment.

On the other hand, you may have the willingness and energy to attempt to meet your partner in the situation as it is.  You might start by getting curious about what you could do to meet the needs the distancing is attempting to meet.  If your partner is unwilling to dialogue with you, you may decide to experiment.

Here are some examples of experiments based on the guesses I made above.

• Stay with your partner when you perceive her or him as distant or just wanting to talk about superficial things.  Even though you are experiencing the pain of disconnect, work to stay present to your partner by internally naming your own feelings and needs.  Watch the impulses to leave, criticize, or get angry come and go.  This helps you to become a bigger container for your own expereience.

• Experiment with holding the belief that your partner is doing the best s/he can to take care of himself or herself.  For a week, affirm every choice your partner makes.  When s/he says, "I am going out with my friends Friday," you say "If that's what's right for you, I support you." Genuinely express support for your partner's choices from the perspective of tending to his or her well-being.

• Turn your attention to the needs that are met in your relationship and express an appreciation to your partner each day for a week.

• Notice one quality you love about your partner and find some way to express or celebrate that every day.

Practices like these are not easy to do in the midst of your own loneliness and longing.  They require you to change what you trust.  Unconsciously you likely trust that somehow if you fight your partner, criticize, or hold back as well, something will shift. To move out of this reactive habit is difficult.  If you decide to take on a challenge like this, it's important to consistently meet your own needs outside the relationship.  I am talking mostly about the basic needs for nourishing food, thorough exercise, self-connection, meaningful contribution, creative expression, friendship and love.

Take a moment now and notice where you are pushing or pulling at your partner.  Reflect on whether this is creating connection or not.  Check in with the feelings and needs alive in you.  Let yourself get curious about what feelings and needs might be alive for your partner.  Notice what possible actions arise from this place of connection and expansiveness.

"Until recently, my husband and I could talk on and off all day via one chat medium or another. This meant we could instantly vent anger, ask for verbal comfort, ask where something was, check who had done what chore, complain, etc.

Many times this would result in hurt feelings or anxiety which would color the remainder of our day as we whiled away our time in our own bubbles in our own workspaces, unable to completely communicate our needs. We would come together again later that evening and sometimes talk, but most often move on to other things we needed to do around the house.

A few days ago my husband no longer had access to chat at work. There was a wall of silence between us. I couldn't see his username online and could no longer make an inquiry or get an immediate response. It was an awakening. I realized that although we had often used the chat to just visit, it had become more of a tool for me to ask him why he hadn't done something that he usually did or that he had said he'd do.

Rather than waiting for a time when we could both focus on each other and our conversation, I realized, much to my own shame, that I had been cornering him at work while his focus was elsewhere and where there was little to no chance we could come to mutual understanding. I also came to realize that many of the things I had been talking to him about were in Jackal voice. I found myself criticizing him and his actions (or lack of actions) and wanting to immediately make him aware of, or accountable for something that I saw as wrong.

That first silent day I had a moment to think. I had to think, because I couldn't contact him and just dump. I thought, "Gee, I am really annoyed that the dishwasher isn't emptied and that the counters are filthy. (Something he takes care of every morning before he leaves for work.) I'm mad that he left it ALL for me to do." Then, when I thought about IM'ing him and remembered I couldn't, my heart started talking to me. "Wow, he never leaves the kitchen a mess. He usually works so hard to keep things clean and tidy because he knows how much it bothers me. I wonder why he left it today. It must have been something pretty important."

Amazingly enough, I wasn't mad anymore. I emptied the dishwasher and cleaned the counters and didn't think much more about the kitchen. I did, however, think about instant messaging. I wondered how often I had been sad, angry or frustrated, whether with my husband, work, school or another relationship and had summarily dumped on him just because we had that immediate contact. How many times had I forgotten to respect him, respect his space, respect his feelings and expected him to quickly remedy my hurt regardless of his own situation or feelings. I had been incredibly selfish and that was/is extremely embarrassing to realize.

The last few days have been more calm in our house. And though there are still stresses from work and school, we are working together not against each other to assuage the hurts and lessen the burdens. So today, the third day of the Wall of Silence, I vow to think more and "chat" less, to check-in more and check-out less and remember that speaking through the heart takes more time, but reaps many greater rewards."

You don't feel much space for empathy, but rather a sense of frustration around your needs for responsibility, dependability, companionship, and fun.  "Why does he keep making these poor decisions?!!", you scream as you get off the phone.

Asking why when you are feeling reactive usually leads to a cascade of judgment and analysis.  Later, when you have given yourself some empathy and taken care of your needs that would have been met on the hike, you can bring forth true curiosity.

Sitting down with your partner at a later time, you can let him know about your own frustration and your longing to have fun and companionship.  You can gently invite a dialogue about what goes on for him when he makes that decision that leads to suffering. 

The purpose here is not to counsel or advise him, but rather to provide a safe space to reflect and raise awareness.  A safe space means that any judging and shame jackals have been met and dissolved through empathy. 

By reflecting on what actually happened in body, mind, heart, and environment before or at the time a decision was made, wisdom and clarity naturally arise. Ideally such a reflective dialogue would contain insight, highlight feelings and needs, and end with clear and do-able requests.

Providing this non-judgmental, non-advising, reflective space is one of the most important keys to supporting each other in living from wisdom and heart.

Take a moment to notice if there is someone in your life with whom you would like to bring this accepting curiosity (while staying connected to your own feelings and needs).

P.S.  You can read more on this theme in my articles entitled "Your Stuck Friend (Part 1 & 2)" http://wiseheartpdx.org/blog/

The same is true of managing your emotions.  Emotions are not meant to be managed.  They are meant to be noticed. 

You have likely found yourself trying to manage your emotions in all sorts of ways.  Sometimes you try chemicals* like caffeine, chocolate, alcohol, pot, or painkillers.  Sometimes you try changing activities, friends, towns, and even families.  Sometimes you try sleeping, movies, hours of surfing the internet, or obsessive exercising.  Sometimes you try to change your partner.  It's as though there is a set of little emotion knobs and if you just adjust everything and everyone in the right way, you will be in a happy and peaceful emotional state.

This is a tragic way to go through life.  Like herding cats, you just won't get anywhere.  The cats will keep going this way and that.  Just as you have one in the right place another will slip out.

Emotions aren't as random as they seem.  They are a signal system.  Signals are for paying attention to, not managing.  They arise from your sense of whether your needs are being met and that sense arises from your bodily sensations, perceptions, and thoughts in a given situation.

For example, the emotion of anger is a signal that you are perceiving a serious threat to your needs or values.  When you are mindful enough to notice that you are angry, you can take the time to evaluate the actual level of threat.  You get to question your interpretation of what's happening and evaluate if your needs are met or can be met in some creative way.  This is where effective management can happen.

People sometimes say they meditate to feel peaceful.  But meditation doesn't magically make you feel peaceful.  A peaceful feeling arises because you are effectively managing your thoughts, perceptions, and needs.

Reflecting on your past and current experience by sitting still in silence or even doing something simple like knitting, sculpting, or basic cooking in silence allows you to become a focused and effective manager of your thoughts, perceptions, and needs. 

When you are still enough to notice your thinking, you get to decide whether to believe those thoughts or not. You get to reflect on your experience and notice when your needs are met, unmet, or actually threatened in some way.  With this clarity, you can make decisions and act in accord with what truly meets your needs, rather than attempt to adjust imaginary emotion knobs.

When you notice emotions as a signal rather than taking them at face value (i.e., "I am feeling overwhelmed so I should get out of here!"), you can get curious rather trying to wriggle away from them or herd them into a box. 

Emotions are a powerful form of experience.  They are made to get your attention.  In and of themselves, they have no meaning.  However, because the experience of them is so immediate and powerful, it's easy to automatically assign meaning.  For example, you might consciously or unconsciously decide that anger means you should lash out, anxiety means something is wrong, overwhelm means you should isolate, hurt means someone is judging you, etc.

The more you notice your automatic meaning making system, the more you can question it and find what's most true for you and what best meets your needs.  With this kind of attentiveness your emotions inform you rather than being some mysterious and uncomfortable force.

This week notice when you have the impulse to manage your emotions, that is, make a decision based on how you feel.  Before acting on that impulse pause for 30 seconds and reflect on your thoughts and needs.

*This is not meant to be a statement  about prescription drugs, which is a much more subtle and complex topic than I will address here.

He had become confused about true acceptance and his own reactive disconnect.  His version of acceptance was a begrudging, "Fine, if that's what you need to do, go ahead." 

When your partner is behaving out of reactivity, and you "accept" his or her behavior, you are contributing to an escalating cycle of reactivity.  Sitting quietly while your partner speaks to you in a way you experience as cruel or violent, is not only painful for you, but also allows your partner to practice and reinforce his or her reactivity.  When someone is screaming at you in jackal, it can meet needs for structure and peace to respond in giraffe with an equally loud voice, e.g., 'This doesn't work for me!  Please tell me what you want to do right now or take a time-out!'.

Other reactive behaviors, however, are less obvious.  For example, your partner may have a pattern of withdrawing out of overwhelm.  Reactive overwhelm means someone is imagining threat when there isn't one.  The pattern is complex and the definition of threat is subtle and varied so it's not particularly helpful to tell someone in reactive overwhelm that he or she is just imagining things.

It is helpful to stay connected to your own feelings and needs and make requests.  When your partner says he feels overwhelmed and thus can't go to your brother's wedding with you, you may feel disheartened because of your needs for family, celebration, and partnership.  Ignoring these feelings and needs and telling your partner it's okay and he can stay home if he wants, reinforces his reactivity and adds to your resentment.

You can't cajole, educate, plead, or "accept" and hope to get your partner out of reactivity.  What you can do is cultivate true acceptance and respond honestly.

True acceptance means you are able to see things as they are without pulling or pushing.  When you are not fighting what is, there is space for your own wisdom and intuition to arise.  You can stay connected to feelings and needs.  From this place you take action and make requests.

If you have the reactive pattern of "accepting" other's behavior, hoping to maintain harmony or to be liked and included, it can be scary to tell someone when she or he is doing something that doesn't work for you.  It seems easier to analyze and blame the other as the reactive one.  No one's reactive pattern occurs in a vacuum, you are constantly, whether consciously or unconsciously, reinforcing or helping to dissolve reactivity in others.

In the example above in which your overwhelmed partner says he won't go to your brother's wedding, you can express feelings and needs and then begin a negotiation by starting with simple, do-able requests.  For example, "Would you be willing to come to the ceremony and then see how you feel?", might be a way to start a dialogue. The most important thing here isn't the nature of your request, but rather your willingness to stay in a dialogue until you find a way that both of your needs can be met.

This week notice when you are telling yourself to be accepting.  Take time to check in and see if that acceptance has a begrudging quality to it.  Remember that in true acceptance there is aliveness.  You feel the full continuum of emotions and sensations, stay connected to your needs, and take action from a sense of your own wisdom.

When a family member is caught in something as serious as alcoholism, depression, or a violent relationship, it's easy to feel overwhelmed.  Your mind spins stories about what s/he should be doing or the perfect thing you could say to change him or her.  You might find yourself expressing this by saying, "You are being irresponsible. You need to act like an adult!" Or "You know you are an alcoholic and you're being stubborn about getting help.  You have got to admit this!" 

You may also shift to the other extreme.  You tell yourself, that his or her behavior shouldn't affect you.  That you can't change her or him so you should just not say anything.

The good news is you still get to have your feelings and needs even when your family member is suffering and having difficulty meeting his or her needs. 

The fact is, your family member's behavior affects you.  You can express this directly and make a request.  Here is an example:

"When I hear you say you were up all night drinking and feel sick today, I worry about your well-being. I wonder if you would be willing to go to bed early tonight and get a full eight hours of sleep?"

There are four elements in this expression that increase the probability of both being heard and getting needs met for both of you.

1. You refer to only one event.   You resist the temptation to build a case by listing all the unhealthy behaviors you have observed recently.

2.  You refer to that one event in neutral terms.  You resist the temptation to build a case by adding in your evaluations and judgments.

3.  You reveal your feelings and needs rather than telling the other person what is wrong with her or him.

4.  You make a simple, specific, and do-able request.  You can't help someone beat alcoholism with edicts about who s/he is or all the many things s/he should do.  You can help someone work toward health by offering something in the moment that is one baby step in that direction.

If you are struggling with a family member's behavior, take a moment now and connect to your own feelings and needs.  What simple and do-able request could you make that would begin to meet your own needs and also contribute to his or her well-being?

"I shouldn't complain," is one of the most common ways I hear people disconnect with feelings and needs.  I am guessing that, like me, your complaints have often met with education or corrections like; "Do you know there are people starving all over the world??", "Don't you realize how lucky you are?!", "I worked hard for this. You should appreciate it!"

Hearing yourself complain with giraffe ears (with empathy), you can stay connected to yourself and still be in alignment with your value around appreciation and gratitude.

Complaints are like a yellow alert.  They let you know something is amiss, but they rarely provide specifics.  Often I find that the complaint has little to do with what's really happening.  It's easier to say your soup doesn't taste good than to express worry about job security.

When you notice yourself complaining, turn towards that voice with a bigger you and get curious.  The bigger you might say something like:

         "Oh, I'm complaining.  Something must be up for me of which I am not quite aware.  Let me take a breath and sit still a moment to notice my thoughts, feelings, and needs."

Complaining often arises because some small part of you has you convinced that it is not okay to have or express particular needs.

I just returned from a long backpacking trip.  Somewhere in the middle I started to complain silently and aloud.  I was getting tired, but another part of me didn't think I should get tired.  For a while some small part of me had me convinced that there wasn't space for my need for rest.  When I finally did accept my need for rest, I slept a good part of 24 hours.  Magically the complaining voice was gone the next day.

This week use your complaining voice as a cue to get mindful about your internal experience.  Check for limiting beliefs that have you in a trance about what's possible for you.  Connect with feelings and needs alive for you and the truth about meeting them.

This limiting belief that intimacy and autonomy are mutually exclusive leaves him or her in a constant internal battle.  This internal conflict may show up in indirect ways in your relationship.  Here are some ways it might show up: 

-S/he says yes, but doesn't follow through on your requests.

-Reports feeling lost or disconnected from self.

-Expresses a desire to go out with you, but then takes an hour to find his keys.

-When asked her preference, answers with, "Well, what do you want to do?"  Or  "I don't know, I'll see how I feel?" Or "Whatever, I could go either way."

-Takes space indirectly by staying on the computer for hours.

-Makes sudden big decisions without talking with you.

If this sounds like your partner, you can help to heal this pattern by explicitly showing how you support his or her autonomy and authenticity.  Here are some ways to do this:

-When your partner says yes to a request ask him or her to take another minute and check-in and really make sure that works for him or her.

-When making a request, offer at least two options, e.g., "I would love your companionship for the banquet and if that doesn't work for you, I'm also happy to ask a friend to go."

-Offer reassurance that your love is not at risk when s/he expresses disagreement.

-Remind her or him frequently that you value her or his authenticity and choices, e.g., "I want you to be true to yourself and do what's right for you.  Your authentic expression is not a threat to our relationship."

-Before making a request, state that either a yes or no answer is truly okay with you.

-When you really do want your partner to say yes, state that up front and then remind yourself and him or her that you want to keep talking until you find something that works for both of you.

Take a moment now to reflect on how you support meeting needs for both intimacy and autonomy in your relationship and where you find yourself in demand energy or perceiving demands.  Choose at least one of the strategies above to practice with this week.

The pleasure and intensity of a strong connection or focus can be a wave that you seem to enjoy riding in the moment, but at the end you may find yourself a bit lost and depleted. 

Martial arts and energy practices like tai chi, and chi gong all emphasize balancing your physical and energetic bodies in your center and maintaining a relaxed expansive focus.  In these arts you learn that movement requires less contraction and muscle than you habitually engage.  Learning to relax and move in a more subtle way, energy can flow freely and keep you healthy and nourished.

All this remains true in the social, mental, and emotional realms as well.  Even as you give your loving attention to another, you can do so while maintaining a sense of your own needs and energy in a relaxed state.  This might feel like a physical and energetic settling back and into your core.  You might do this by focusing on your breath; aligning your posture over your center;  bringing awareness to receiving through your crown and root charkas and feeling the hara line that runs through your center between them; pulling your shoulders back and relaxing your face;  repeating a mantra to yourself, feeling your feet, or anything else that gets you present in yourself.

You might be able to give yourself and the other attention at the same time or you might simply shuttle back and forth consciously.

Forward or slumped posture, lack of energy, disorientation, narrow and exclusive focus, muscle tension, and doing and saying things that aren't authentic for you, can all be symptoms of giving yourself away. 

Giving yourself away to your clients, your friends, or your beloved leaves you less resourced and more reactive.  In this way a cycle of depletion gets created and you might find yourself avoiding the people you love most.

Take a moment now and reflect on your recent interactions.  Notice if any of the symptoms of giving yourself away are present.  Choose a particular relationship or context in which for the next week you will practice staying with yourself while giving loving attention to another.

When you are on the receiving end of these phrases, it can be difficult to remember that they are an expression of hurt in the moment.

Hearing someone say how you "always" have behaved in a particular way, stings.  You imagine that all your loving and kind behavior is being discounted.  The impulse to defend arises immediately.  Your ability to resist that impulse in the moment can save you from a long and painful argument.

You can resist the impulse to defend by recognizing what's actually happening.  Words like always and never let you know that the other person is in reaction.  As soon as you realize someone is speaking from reaction, remind yourself to let go of the content.  Imagine the words flowing over your shoulder while your focus stays in the present.

You can help to ground both of you by asking for specifics. For example, you might ask, "Can you help me understand exactly what I did, that was painful for you?"

If, from your perspective, your behavior seemed innocuous, then you ask a second question, "What did that mean for you, when I did that?"

While the behavior of others can stimulate all sorts of feelings, reactivity usually arises from the meaning you make of someone's behavior.

Hearing the meaning someone made of your behavior you may be tempted to jump in immediately and correct their mistaken perception.  This can work when reactivity is fairly low.

However, a highly reactive person has difficulty taking in new information. You can help to further de-escalate the reactivity by slowing down the conversation.  You do this by expressing your understanding the other's world.  It might sound something like this:

"So when you heard me say, ‘go out with your friends if you want to', you thought I was wanting to get away from you and saying I don't like your friends.  Thinking that you feel hurt and angry and your wanting love and respect, is that right?"

You might have two or three rounds of saying back what you are hearing.  If you are able to do this in a connecting way, the other person will likely begin to move out of reactivity.

As you feel a little settling in him or her (and yourself), you make a conscious shift to expressing your truth by making a request first, "Would you be willing to hear what was going on for me when I said that?" This kind of request is helpful because it honors choice and supports collaboration.

In saying what was going on for you, it's important to express your own thoughts, feelings, and needs at the time rather than simply denying the other's interpretation.

This week, notice where you have the impulse to defend.  Practice stepping to the side energetically and letting the other's words flow past you.  Keep yourself grounded in the present by naming the specifics to which you and the other are reacting.

Most likely your experience was a complex mixture.  This mix of responses from your parents and others and your own unique constitution came together to give you a sense of the world.  You may now have particular limiting beliefs about how and under what conditions you will be seen and celebrated.

One common example is imagining that you will only be seen and celebrated if you achieve some particular goal.  Setting and achieving goals is not a problem in and of itself.  It is when achieving a particular goal is held as the only way to meet a need that a sense of desperation, obsession, or painful longing arises.  In this mind state you have blinders on and can't see other ways of meeting that need.

Part of our work in mindfulness and NVC is to notice these states of mind, uncover these limiting beliefs, and replace them with a flexible and expansive approach to meeting needs.

You can begin to expand your relationship to meeting the need to be seen by seeing yourself.  When in the reactive mind state described above, you tend to focus all your attention on that which is in service to the one goal.  By intentionally directing your attention to other aspects of yourself (for example, the way you gave listening to your neighbor, the full way you laugh at a joke, your ability to enjoy the quality of light at dusk, your sadness over your sister moving away, etc.) and embrace* them, you set the foundation for a new relationship to being seen.  As you see and embrace you in diverse ways, you will begin to share more of who you are with others, who then have the opportunity to see and embrace you in diverse ways as well.

This week take a moment each night before bed to notice and embrace all the ways you engaged your life that day.  During the day notice what you choose to share with others and what you leave out.

*For more specifics on embracing yourself and experiences, search my article archive for gems on self-empathy.

Sometimes you can pop yourself out of this complaining state by doing the opposite and naming what you appreciate, what's working, and what you are doing to make it better.

But at other times the complaints keep coming back.  This is a good time to give the complaints your full attention.  Behind the complaints are important feelings and needs.

This can be difficult to do because you often have another part of you that thinks you shouldn't be complaining, that you should be happy with the way things are.  This part of you tries to talk you out of your complaints using shame and guilt. 

Giving your attention to the complaining voice doesn't mean you lack appreciation for the good parts of your life.  You can both appreciate your life and notice what's missing.

It helps to let the complaining voice speak fully for a few minutes.  You can either write down all it says or ask an empathy buddy to listen.  When you have fully heard the complaining voice, you can start to hear what's behind it in several ways.  One, you can ask if there are any specific events to which this voice is referring.  This helps to ground you in specific parts of your life.  Two, you can list the feelings behind these voices.  This helps you connect with your heart more directly, rather than being in a negativity trance.  Third, you can guess the needs to which the complaints are pointing.  An easy way to access needs is to imagine that the relevant situation was changed in exactly the way you would like.  Imagine yourself in this new situation and name what needs are met.

Now that you have found more clarity, connected to your heart, and named the needs, you can move forward with requests.  Being fully connected with the needs, you can invite creativity to help you name requests that would meet these needs in your current circumstance.

This week notice when your complaining voice comes up.  Follow the steps above to break the complaining trance and return to your aliveness.

When I suggested empathy, Carol's eyes got wide and a wrinkle of worry appeared on her forehead.

Remembering your boss might be feeling overwhelmed and needing empathy isn't about giving them a "get out of jail free" card with regards to their behavior.

Empathy is helpful in a number of ways. One, it helps release you from the slavery of roles. Your "boss" suddenly becomes a human being - Sally. Facing Sally is easier than facing a boss. You also get to be another human being rather than an employee.

You can replace "My ranting boss" with "Sally is stressed out." Responding to stressed out Sally opens up a wider range of options and it's easier to find compassion.

It's not so easy to trust that creating connection will help you and others meet needs. And sometimes it's hard to imagine that the other wants to connect. Your mind might be quick to judge Sally:  "Overbearing control freak", "heartless perfectionist", "she shouldn't...!"

To the extent that you can see the situation for what it is - Sally is stressed out - is the extent to which you can intervene and create connection. Though we are all trained not to interrupt, my experience is that most of the time people are relieved to be interrupted when it helps them to be heard.

How would empathy for Sally look in the context of a work meeting?

In the dialogue below you can see the four elements of Nonviolent Communication (NVC);  observation, feeling, need, and request. Each time you interrupt, you translate what Sally says into one of the four elements.

Let's look at how a dialogue might sound.

You: (interrupting) Sally, I want to make sure I am on the same page with you. The two events you are referring to are the auction and the banquet, is that right? (OBSERVATION)

Sally: Right

You: (before Sally can continue) "Which one are you wanting us to focus on first?" (REQUEST)

Sally: Well, all of it was a disaster.

You: (You jump in quickly). Yea, both didn't go like you wanted and you want to make sure we learn from our mistakes here (using colloquial NVC here to point to her FEELING and NEED).

Sally: That's right. Like you didn't hire enough staff for the banquet.

You: (Using your jedi powers, you dodge this possible hook by remembering that Sally is stressed and probably fearful regarding the success of your company. When people are stressed and fearful they often use blame to try to meet their needs for acceptance.)

Yea, so you would like to start by talking about staffing? (REQUEST)

One of the most important elements of NVC is that it helps you get out of roles and back to being humans.  At the work place especially it's easy to get lost in a maze of rules, expectations, requirements, and demands.  To get out of this maze bring your attention to the four elements of NVC - observation, feelings, needs, and requests.

This week at work, experiment with seeing your boss or someone else you work with as a person rather than a role.  Offer empathy and honest expression in a low-key situation. For the workplace, it might be more connecting to skip the feelings element and focus on the other three at first.

Recently a student told a story of how she resourced before a big family meeting. For her this meant a long walk in the park, connecting with a sibling she was close to before the meeting, having the meeting in a place she felt comfortable in, and reminding herself of what she knew about the true intention (needs) of each person and herself.  She was able to attend the meeting in her resourced self and experienced a positive connection with her family.

Resourcing can also be simple and in the moment.  Pause a moment in the midst of, or before starting, a difficult conversation.  Notice where you are tensing up.  Let your shoulders relax, your face relax, sit back in your chair with a straight spine, and take a long deep breath, notice the air filling you and then exhale fully.  Remind yourself of your intention and the intention of the other person.  Whatever difficult or confused behaviors someone is expressing, underneath there is always the intention to meet some life giving need.

Pausing early and often keeps the resourced you on-line.  When reactivity arises without your mindful awareness, it often builds momentum and pulls you into a limited perspective and contracted body.  You find yourself compulsively saying and doing things that you know won't help.

You can prevent this by practicing resourcing throughout the day. Teaching yourself to pause in the midst of activity helps free you from limiting habits.  Take a moment right now and look away from this screen out the window or close your eyes.  Resource yourself using the steps above in paragraph three or in your own way.

With your partner, set up a signal for pausing an resourcing that either of you can give at any time in the midst of a conversation. Agree on at least one day where you will practice using this signal several times throughout the day.  You might notice irritation at first.  You want to get your whole thought out and don't want to be interrupted.  Perhaps you are afraid you won't remember what you were going to say or you won't be heard.  Experiment with letting the fear and irritation be there and pause anyway.

As you create spaciousness in your relationships and in yourself through pausing and resourcing, you will find that you are able to remember what's important to you, express that, and be heard even when there is interuption.

This week set up a practice of pausing and resourcing on your own by setting a timer on your phone or computer to remind you to pause.  Set up a practice with your partner by choosing a signal and agreeing to practice it on a day you will spend together.

I recently had my five-year old niece over night. When she makes a mistake, she sometimes blames. She has said things like, "You did it wrong! You were supposed to . . .!" Not having either of the fundamentals in place she moves to protect herself by directing attention away from herself.

After she calms a bit, I let her know that it is okay to make mistakes and that when she does, instead of blaming, she can just say, "I made a mistake. That's okay." She readily takes in this feedback and uses it within the same day. My hope in offering her this is to help her stay connected to her self-worth regardless of circumstance and to give her tools to do that verbally.

My niece is pretty transparent in her intention to protect herself through blame. It is not always so obvious in adult relationships. A verbally skilled adult can begin blaming through analysis before you even know what's happening.

You hear things like; how you were wrong to do what you did (with a list of convincing reasons) and how it relates to your relationship with your mother (with a detailed description of that relationship) and when are you going to take responsibility for your fears (with a list of your fears) and can't you see a pattern here (with a recounting of past incidents), etc.

If you are being blamed in this way, you may start to feel confused and foggy. You may have difficulty articulating your thoughts and staying connected to your needs. You may have difficulty making decisions that really work for you.

Analysis is a useful concept in science and the world of academia, but can be  harmful when applied to human beings.

Here are some basic things to remember when blame / analysis is directed toward you:

1. Responding to blame with a rebuttal of any sort, "I did not! That's not true! It's actually like this. .." will most likely escalate disconnect.
2. Blame is a symptom of the speaker's pain and unmet needs. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.
3. You can redirect with empathy or some basic requests:

-"Are you feeling hurt and wanting understanding?" (or other guesses at feelings and needs).

-"Can you tell me what you are wanting instead of saying what I am doing or not doing?"

- "Can you make that about you?"

-"Can we talk about what we want to do differently now?"

-"Hearing an analysis of me I feel foggy and disconnected and want understanding. Would you be willing to tell me what you are unhappy about rather than talking about me?

-"Stop! What you are saying is not okay with me! I am scared and I want connection! Can you tell me what you are hearing me say?!"

This week notice when blame or analysis comes your way. Feel and resist your impulse to submit, defend, withdraw, or offer a counter argument. Put on your giraffe ears and remember it is not about you and then engage one of the redirects offered above.

If you are not doing your part in this, your partner may become hopeless and tired over time having a sense that her or his efforts are in vain.  This reaction in your partner may exacerbate your sense of hurt around particular needs, which becomes a downward spiral for you both.

Your work in taking responsibility for your own healing is to first identify where you need healing.  Let's say you identify the last one in the list above, being seen and heard and accepted for who you are, as a place you need healing.  You were able to identify this because of the type of reactivity and patterns in which you see yourself.  Here are some common patterns you might have identified with wounding around these particular needs:

§       You often think your partner is judging you.

§       You often feel defensive.

§       You frequently argue over the exact details of an event and how you remember it.

§       You seek attentiveness and acceptance through drama (this means often being in crisis, wearing attention getting clothes, or often expressing in a loud emphatic way).

§       You seek attentiveness and acceptance through productivity (this means pushing to achieve at the cost of the rest of your life, criticizing yourself about being perfect, and seeing life as a competition).

Becoming aware of this particular need for healing and the ways it shows up in your life, you can begin to be proactive.  You start by mindfully noticing all the times that your are seen, heard, and accepted for who you are.

Just as a part of you has a habit of looking at the world through your wounding (all the ways you are not seen, heard, and accepted), you engage a part of you who does the opposite.  I'm not talking about positive affirmations.  I'm talking about looking for the actual experiences when these needs are met.  You want to catch others seeing and accepting you for who you are.

Notice exactly how you know the other is offering genuine listening and acceptance.  Is it in someone's tone of voice, a smile, a question about something important going on for you, an invitation to join in, a warm hug, a simple "that's okay" in response to a mistake?

Then you slow down and notice how you take that in or don't.  Where do you block the receiving of this healing.  Maybe you say to yourself, "Yea, but she didn't really mean it. Or He was just being polite." This is your wounding talking.  Name this for what it is and notice how it keeps you stuck in hurt.

For healing, feel exactly what it feels like to have these needs met.  What happens in your body?  Where do you relax and expand?  How does your posture change?  What emotion comes up?  How does your energy shift?

Engage a new voice of healing that names your actual experience, e.g., "You really got me just then.  Or Thanks for seeing me.  Or You really do accept me in this. Or  I am accepted here." Hearing you say these things out loud your partner's need for collaboration is met.  She or he gets to see how you are working at receiving the offering of acceptance.

Let's summarize taking responsibility for your healing in five steps:

1.  Notice where you need healing.  You can usually identify this by looking at these categories:

§       Trust & Safety

§       Support in meeting needs

§       Authenticity:  It's okay to be vulnerable.

§       Autonomy:  You can choose and still be loved.

§       Being Heard/Seen and Accepted:  You don't have to work to be seen and loved.

2.  Notice the exact reactivity that points to a need for healing around meeting specific needs.

3.  Notice when this need is met.

4.  Bring mindful awareness to how you receive the nourishment of a need met and how you block that receiving. v 5.  State the fact of the met need to yourself and others.

Take a moment now to work through all five steps by recalling a recent relevant experience.

Self-expression and the strategies you use to meet that need can be some of the most difficult to disentangle.  Often you may imagine that your true self is inextricably linked to how you express your aliveness.

Perhaps you identify as an "external processor" and so, when irritated, find yourself expressing to your partner all the judgments and complaints you have about a particular situation.  Perhaps you identify as a "creative" or "idea person" and when you get excited you have a wash of ideas that you share one after the other with your partner.

In both of these examples, the irritation and the excitement and the needs connected to each make up the precious aliveness you want to express in the moment. Every moment new feelings and needs are arising in you in response to your perceptions and the environment.  When you cling to an identity made up of how you do things, you limit your own aliveness and how you can express it.

Ideally the strategy you choose to express your aliveness is a creative present moment response to the needs of your listener and the circumstance.

Often times you don't choose your strategy for expression, habit chooses for you.  That habit seems so much a part of you, that when your partner says that the way you're expressing isn't working for him or her, you perceive a personal rejection of who you are.

Regardless of the identities you cling to, if you don't know another way to express your aliveness, you will likely get hopeless and give up or get angry and fight.  Here is where you can ask for help and also let your listener take responsibility for providing clarity about what works for her or him.  You might ask something like, "What is it about how I am expressing that is difficult for you?"  or "What would make it easier for you to hear me?" or "Could you help me understand the feelings and needs that come up for you when you ask me to express differently?"

When you remember that your behavior, in this case the how of self-expression, isn't the who of you, you have space to respond with creativity and curiosity when someone asks you to behave differently.  You will find that you can be authentic and fluid in your ability to meet others in a variety of circumstances.

Take a moment now to reflect on any feedback your partner has given you about how you express yourself.  Choose a situation you remember well and revisit it with your partner using one or more of the questions I listed above.

The free association parallel conversation

In this type of conversation there is a quick volley of ideas or stories back and forth and sometimes one person is still talking when the other person begins.  The topics change frequently.  The content may be neutral or even celebratory.  At a party or family gathering this can be connecting, but when it happens consistently in intimate relationship, it distracts from going deeper and the need to be heard goes unmet.

Educating

Your partner expresses a difficulty, curiosity, a story, or experience and you offer what you know about that topic.  When you immediately offer what you know, you miss the opportunity to hear your partner's experience.  The simple act of asking a follow up question about what your partner has shared, before sharing your information, builds a sense of trust and mutuality.

Venting

You don't really have "a need to vent".  Venting is a strategy that may or may not meet your needs for empathy, clarity, and support.  Sometimes venting helps get clarity and sometimes it just creates more anger and irritation.  Either way venting without asking your partner if she or he is willing to hear you, often doesn't meet your partner's need for consideration and choice.  If you choose to vent, first form the intention to get to clarity or empathy for yourself or another.  Then, ask your partner if he or she would be willing to listen for no more than 2 or 3 minutes.  Complete with a connection to the needs up in the situation and a commitment to learning how to meet them next time.

You shouldn't feel that way

You see your partner upset and hurting and you see how it comes from a misperception on his or her part.  You want your partner to feel better so you make an argument for how s/he has no reason to be upset.  Regardless of the accuracy of your partner's perception, s/he is having a particular experience, the first thing needed is to be met in that experience.  You can do this by reflecting back the situation, feelings, and needs you hear being expressed.

Lawyering

You make a request and your partner says no.  You begin to explain how your request is valid saying things like, "I worked hard so you should...", "I went with you last time so you should...". You become a lawyer presenting a case.  Often your partner presents the counter argument.  This might start with something small like rearranging the furniture. Rather than arguing your case you can get curious about what feelings and needs are up for your partner that has him or her say no.

As you become more and more aware of these little disconnects you will be able to track the sense of each as it arises and make a choice about how you would like to connect.

Take a moment to reflect on which of these are most common in your relationship.  This week, see how many times you can catch yourself in this kind of dynamic.

The ironic thing is that the more time you take to get clear inside yourself the more efficient your conversations will be.

Sometimes you do take the time to go inside and its all a jumble in there.  I find it helpful to have some basic guide questions for self-reflection.  Here they are:

1. Observations:    "What just happened?"  "What did s/he just say or do?"  (For example, "S/he leaned closer and said it's my fault.").

• "What am I telling myself?" (For example, "I am telling myself s/he is judging me." "I'm telling myself s/he is disrespecting me". "I'm telling myself I am wrong." This is sometimes called watching your jackal show. It can be very helpful to write down or say out loud all the judgments coming up for you. Getting them outside your head helps you to see them for what they are and begin to identify the feelings and needs underneath.

2.    Body:  What sensations am I noticing in my body?

• Where do I tense up or relax?
• Do I notice a temperature change?
• Do I shift positions?

•    What's happening with my energy body - fuzzy, lopsided, leaning forward, contracting, expanding?

3.    Feelings:  Feeling into my heart what emotions are there?  (use the feelings list here if you check in with you heart and no feeling comes up).

4.    Needs:  "What am I needing right now?"  "What's important to me about this?"   (Use your needs list).

5.    Requests / Action:  What do I want to do or say now? This week experiment with asking for a pause in at least one conversation.  Use these questions to connect with yourself during that pause.  You can also practice getting in the habit of asking yourself these questions by reflecting on at least one interaction each day.

This can be as simple as hearing "no" from your partner and walking away.  For example you might ask your partner for a snuggle, get "no" in response and then walk away silently. These moments are prime opportunities to connect.

You might be saying, "I'd be exhausted if we processed every little disconnect." If so, I offer two things to consider.  One, little disconnects tend to feed into larger conflicts later.  Two, the more you practice staying with little disconnects the more efficient you become at returning to connection.

For example, when your partner says "no" to a snuggle you know that she or he is saying yes to other needs.  You learn to hear "no" as an invitation to connect with the needs alive for your partner.  You might do this by making a guess, "Are you needing to unwind?" Making a guess, rather than asking a question which can sometimes be heard as interrogation, lets your partner know you are genuinely curious about his or her world.

Connected to your partner's need and your own you can begin a negotiation.  This might be as simple as saying, "Can I check back with you in a couple of hours about snuggling?" You partner might offer that she or he only needs an hour to unwind.

As I talked about in last week's article disconnects often show up only in body language.  If you feel yourself moving away from your partner without really deciding to, ask yourself what you just observed.  See if you can name that observation and offer a guess.  For example, "I noticed as I was talking you started looking out the window.  I'm guessing something important is up for you, is that right?"

This practice of getting curious about disconnects not only brings you into each other's worlds, it also helps prevent taking things personally.  When you get curious about your partner's feelings and needs in a little disconnect, you interrupt your own mental habit of jumping to assumptions and interpretations.  Depending on your partner's report of her or his experience rather than your interpretations makes life a whole lot easier.

This week notice when you move away from an interaction with your partner.  Check in with yourself.  Are you backing off out of fear or hopelessness?  If so, are you willing to take the risk to move through the little disconnect by naming what happened and sharing feelings and needs around that? ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/621 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/621 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/621#comments Wed, 02 Feb 2011 14:06:57 -0800 As you share something with your partner you hope to have some need of yours met.  Maybe you want to create connection, be heard, contribute to your partner, etc.  If you are reading this article, you have likely worked hard at becoming aware of your feelings and needs and being skillful in expressing yourself.  A big part of that skill is assessing the effect you are having on your listener.

You continuously assess your effect on others and respond at various levels of conscious awareness.  It's the unconscious assessment and response that can create disconnect.

Here is an example I have seen many times in work with couples.  Lupe shares something she thinks would be a good idea for Aziz to do.  She is excited about her idea and insight.  Aziz is quiet and looking down.  There is silence for a moment, then Lupe continues to talk about her idea.  She isn't tracking the effects of her communication on Aziz.  She may unconsciously interpret his quietness as an indication that he hasn't heard her or that he disagrees so she keeps talking.

I ask Lupe to pause and check in with Aziz by asking, "What comes up for you when I share this idea?" Aziz says he hears criticism and imagines that Lupe thinks he isn't working hard enough.  From this point Lupe can offer empathy to Aziz or he can ask Lupe to express her feelings and needs behind her idea.

Staying conscious about how you are affecting your listener, and remembering to check in about that, helps you create and maintain connection.  Here are some simple mindfulness tasks that can help you track the effect you are having on your listener:

§       Maintain eye contact or at least visual contact with your listener.  I am surprised at how often partners look away from each other when they are speaking.  It may be that you need some self-empathy for nervousness around being heard and accepted.  I am guessing it is hard to look up if you imagine your partner will reject you or your ideas.

§       Track your listener's body. Does s/he lean forward or back, look down or away or maintain eye contact?  Does s/he clench hands, pull the shoulders up, or tighten muscles in the face?

§       Notice if you want to be "right" or connected. If you notice you want to be right, then pause and give yourself empathy.  Behind the impulse to be right are important needs that some part of you imagines won't be met unless you over power your listener by convincing her or him how right you are.

§       Share just a few sentences at a time and then check for effect. Less words means more connection.  You may have the strategy of out talking others to get your needs met or processing out loud to find clarity.  These can be costly strategies.  If your partner listens silently, s/he may be experiencing little reactions as you talk and eventually doesn't hear anything you're saying.

§       Create the listening you want. Before you share something ask if your partner is up for hearing it.  If it is something vulnerable, let him or her know this and make a request that will help you feel safe to share.  Before you speak make a request about the kind of listening you want.   You may want empathy, advice, perspective, or just to know how what you say lands for your partner. You might find it difficult to overcome the habit being silent or indirect when noticing how someone responds to you.  In your commitment to honesty and connection, you may often find that it's essential to leave behind ideas about what's polite.  As you become more able to consciously track your effect on others, your next step is to say what you notice.  For example, "As I'm talking, I notice you are turning towards the window.  I'm wondering what's coming up for you?"

In conversations with your partner this week, check in at least once a day about what happens for your partner as he or she hears you express something.

In anything you do, you  long to be harmony with life - meet your needs and those of others.  You know blame will not really bring relief or create harmony.  Yet habit and conditioning have you in blame before you know it.

A lot of habit comes from the broader culture we grow up in. Part of a lot of mainstream culture-think is that pain and pleasure depend on your ability to manipulate external events, including people around you. And so, mainstream culture encourages an external focus - TV, radio, computers, mile long to do lists, 60 hour work weeks, elaborate houses with manicured lawns, movies, etc.

Small wonder that when you are feeling hurt, disappointed, frustrated, etc., you look outside for the cause.

You find yourself saying, "Aha, Jonathan, you are the cause. You are to blame!"

Now that you have named a cause it's only a matter of manipulating Jonathan to bring you ultimate happiness.

Following the number one delusion about how to get people to change you tell Jonathan how wrong he was to do what he did and how would he feel if someone did that to him?!

Of course, you don't think all this through. Habit energy takes care of it for you in a millisecond.

I haven't always been able to catch the judgment talk in my own head that precedes blame, but I do notice the feeling of it. I notice my body contract and go into fight mode as energy builds to move aggressively outward.

When I notice this I do an immediate downshift. I take a deep breath and I internally name how hurt and frustrated I feel. (I give myself some empathy). Then I ask myself, "What just happened? What did I make it mean?" Once I catch a jackal voice (judgments and assumptions) I can start to identify what needs are up for me.

For example, "When I realize that my partner didn't make the reservations for our camping trip as he promised to do, my jackals might start saying he is an untrustworthy person, he will never be there for me, and I can't be in a relationship with him."

Wow, those jackal thoughts along with what happened, just stimulated some important needs: trust, support, and intimacy.

When I bring my awareness back to what happened rather than the meaning I made of it, I can identify the feelings and needs present in the situation.  I can make a request to meet those needs rather than making him wrong.

Mindfulness practice and meditation can help you gain the awareness to recognize habits when they arise. At the same time you might need some intermediate strategies for those moments when blame slips through the gates of your awareness.

Working with couples, I have seen them come up with a number of creative ways for breaking patterns. One of my favorites is a couple who agreed to sing "The Blame Song" each time it came up. They sang it to the tune of the 80's song, "Fame". It goes like this:

"Blame! I want to be right forever never taking responsibility Blame!"

This week notice when you are tempted by blame.  What does it feel like in your body when it arises? What feelings are alive? What assumptions and judgments did you generate? What needs are up?

If you have a blame game going with someone close to you, come up with a creative way to interrupt the pattern and bring awareness to it.

Knowing what it is to express the authentic and unique you is a life's work.  As you practice a life of mindfulness and self-reflection, you peel away layers of ideas about how you should be, how relationships work and the habits that go with both (all of which you may have previously identified as "my self"). Often this can be a painful process, sometimes like having your skin peeled off (yikes!).  But not always; sometimes you just see through a habit and it drops away easily.  Being more connected to your authenticity is like coming home in a deep way.

So what gets in the way of you being the authentic you in your relationship? Well, lots of things could get in the way, but let's start with your unconscious. Unconscious limiting beliefs often influence your perception of things and prevent you from asking for what you need.

Here are the most basic forms of limiting beliefs around being yourself in relationship:

• Being myself hurts you so I have to do what you want to stay in relationship.  This is the way it is and I just have to endure it and give up my autonomy.
• I'm not good enough as I am.  I have to continuously secure your love by being super productive, dramatic, or sexy.
• It's not safe to be me.  You will tell me I'm doing it wrong and that's dangerous.
• I can only rely on myself.  If I share my needs, you won't meet them, so why bother.
• If I share who I am, I will be used.
• If I am helpless and endearing, you will be motivated to meet my needs.  If I stand in my power and competence, you'll abandon me.

As you read each of the limiting beliefs above notice if there is any sense of familiarity or resonance with particular ones.  The fact that you intellectually don't agree with any these doesn't affect their unconscious operation.  Habit takes care of that.

The next part is catching these beliefs in action.  Where are they showing up?  What are the clues that they are operating? Here are some tell tale signs that these beliefs are in operation:

• Feelings of resentment
• Wishing your partner would stay at work later.
• A feeling of deflation or numbness after making a decision or agreement
• Keeping a scorecard, e.g., "I did this with you so you should do this with me."
• A sudden feeling of dislike or hate for your partner
• Anger bursts that seem to come from nowhere
• Asking for alone time more than you ask for connection time

Once you start noticing these beliefs in action, the next step is to bring them out into the open.  For example, you notice you don't really want to go with your partner for dinner with her parents on Friday.  You feel a tension rise and hear yourself say yes anyway.  Now is the time for transparency with your partner.  You might say something like,

"I hear myself saying yes to your request and I notice all this tension.  A scared voice is telling me that if I don't say yes, I am risking our relationship.  I don't want to make decisions from that place.  I'm wondering if you could help me find a way I could meet my need for down time on Friday and still meet the need for family?"

Immediately taking responsibility by making a concrete do-able request is the key.  Just sharing the limiting belief doesn't provide a new way forward and may lead to trouble. A jackal party could ensue in which your partner hears criticism or imagines she has to be your therapist or somehow fix the situation.

Take a moment now to reflect on the last week with your partner.  Follow the three steps above (1. Notice clues that a limiting belief may be operating.  2.  Identify the belief.  3. Bring the belief into the open and make a specific do-able request.) to become aware of and intervene with beliefs and actions that keep you from being yourself in your relationship.

I notice the jackals come in two types.  The first argues the idea that feeling as I do means something is wrong and I should hurry up and do something about it.  This creates a sense of urgency and an impulse to try to wriggle out of my skin.

The second set of jackals attack my identity.  The main argument here is that if I were a more together person who was more confident, strong, evolved, etc., those feelings wouldn't come up.  Unchecked, these voices leave me feeling heavy and depressed.  I get the impulse to withdraw and collapse.

In response to the first set of jackals, I get immediate relief comes when I remind myself that it is okay to feel what I feel.  I am big enough to feeling these feelings.  In fact when I pause and just feel them as they are I create a sense of peacefulness around the painful feelings.

The next level of relief comes when I remind myself that my identity is not determined by any passing experience.  I am not a worse person because I feel melancholy.  I am not a better person because I feel confident and joyful.  Both are just experiences that come and go.  In fact my value and who I am cannot be measured by anything in this relative world.  I simply exist.

If you are asking the question, "Well, if I don't create my identity by what I experience, by what I do, by how I look, or by who I hang out with, then how do I know who I am?" I would say that is a good question to have.

Most people think that more words mean more understanding. In an intimate relationship where emotion is often high, more words mean more to react to. More reaction means less listening.

Take for example, Adrian and Chris. Adrian expresses to Chris, "I feel like you're so controlling. You treat me like a child about money. Every time I come home you ask me how much I spent. Meanwhile you are off making huge purchases for work and not even telling me. You don't trust me about money, but you want me to trust you. I want to be treated like an adult!"

In the space of 15 seconds Adrian has made four accusations against Chris. Adrian has also has made the problem seem all pervasive by not naming a specific instance and by using the phrase "every time". How well do you think Chris can hear Adrian's feelings and needs? My guess is that Chris is preparing to defend her position.

Three basic rules are helpful for communicating with your partner around difficult issues.

• One, talk about one event at a time. There may be many instances where you have been frustrated about money, but you can only talk about one event at a time and really be heard. State the event in observational terms (what happened, when, where).
• Two, make it about you. Name the event and then name your feelings and needs. "Last night when I went shopping and you asked me how much I spent, I felt indignant and disappointed because I want trust and mutuality in our relationship."
• Three, make a specific request about what you want. "Last night when I went shopping and you asked me how much I spent, I felt indignant and disappointed because I need trust and mutuality in our relationship. Would you be willing to tell me what was up for you when you asked me that? Or Would you be willing to tell me what you just understood me to say?"

The classical structure of NVC - "When I saw, heard, imagined. . . , I feel. . ., because I need. . . Would you be willing to . . . ?" - is quite simple and at the same time, quite revolutionary.

This simple structure is asking you not only to reveal your heart, but to do so without any justification, story, blame, or judgment - all the strategies you use to feel a little safer when expressing pain.

In addition to revealing your heart, NVC is asking you to take full responsibility for your feelings and needs and then to trust that the other person can receive you with compassion.  When they don't meet you with compassion, it is up to you to continue to honor your feelings and needs.  NVC asks a lot. It asks for a level of courage, self-awareness, self-acceptance, and responsibility that mainstream culture discourages. No wonder this stuff is so hard.

This week, notice your impulse to defend, justify, or explain.  Interrupt yourself and take a breath,  Then practice the skill of expressing one observation, feeling, and need at a time in just a couple of sentences and ask your partner or significant other to say back what they understood you to say.

"Be more present" seems like a request, but is really a statement about your need.  Often when I hear someone say they have made a request of their partner many times, I find that they have been stating a need rather than making a request.  Asking someone to be present is like asking someone to be a pilot.  Both require a complicated set of steps, tools, and understanding.

Someone who is able to be present with you in a stable and clear way is someone who has worked hard at cultivating this ability.  This is especially true in intimate relationship in which all your issues come up.

You can begin to cultivate more presence in your relationship by being present with yourself and when you really want presence, before you share something. Once you are aware of this there are various requests you can make depending on your situation.  Here are some examples:

• State your intention:  "I'm grumpy and I would just like to vent, I don't have any request.  Are you up for hearing me?"

• Remind your partner that what you say is about you:  "I am upset about something and I'm aware it's my stuff.  Could you hear me and remember it's not about you?"

• Double Check Your Listener: "I am hearing you say you want to listen.  I am feeling sensitive and wanting reassurance.  Could you take a moment to check with yourself to see if this is really a good time for you?"

• Include the Whole Picture: "I'm so grateful for our life together here - our community, the way we play, professional opportunities, and creative projects.  And still there is this little voice that keeps missing home.  Do you have space to hear it?"

• Get Specific: "I'd love about 15 minutes to talk about a work issue and receive some empathy and perspective.  Is there a time today you could offer that?"

• Ask for Help: "I am hearing you say you really want to be present for me.  Could you tell me what we could do to help insure that?"  (You might come up with things like:  hold hands, turn off the music / TV, taking a walk, waiting until the end of the work week, turn off the computer and phone, take a hot bath first, share appreciations first, etc.)

All of these examples depend on your ability to be present and clear with yourself.  As you become more present to you, you are able to make requests that help your partner to do the same.

Another common element of these examples is that you prepare your partner for hearing you.  This helps prevent your partner from misinterpreting what you share as criticism or complaint about him or her. You also honor yourself by creating a space where you can be received fully.

This week, when you have something important to share with your partner, experiment with one of these ways to create more presence in yourself and in your relationship.

Returning to your family can be a kind of test for your practice of acceptance, compassion, and honesty.  You get the opportunity to see where you get caught by your judging mind and where you have let go and don't react anymore.  When I am in reaction I notice myself thinking or saying things like: I can't believe he is eating that.  What about his heart condition?! If she wouldn't spend her money on more stuff, she wouldn't be in so much debt. Mom, you have got to exercise.  You'll feel better if you do. How can they watch so much TV?! How can they live like this?! That perspective (on politics, religion, etc.) is ignorant, I have to educate them.

When you find yourself feeling tense and having thoughts (or speech) like this, it's a good sign you have been too long outside of your comfort zone.  Take a time out in your comfort zone -maybe go for a walk, take a favorite book to a coffee shop, lay down for a nap, etc.

Once rejuvenated you can give yourself some empathy for the feelings and needs up for you. Allow yourself to feel grief when you see that your family's strategies for health and happiness and even connecting with you are not so effective.  Return to your authenticity by remembering your core values, intention, and how you are committed to showing up in the world.  Loving your family doesn't mean playing a role to maintain a false sense of harmony.  Continue to ask yourself how you can be honest and compassionate.

Remind yourself that your family is doing the best they can. Rather than giving advice offer empathy.  Rather than complaining or judging, express your feelings, needs, and requests.  Then, when you get caught again go back to your comfort zone.

Here's the short version of  how to take care of yourself when visiting family:

1. You notice you are judging or complaining.
2. Take a time out and spend some time in your comfort zone.
3. Give yourself empathy.
4. Remind yourself or your values and intention.
5. Re-enter family scene with compassion and honesty.

It's true that having unspoken expectations can lead you into demands and resentment.  However, when you try not to have expectations you are often ignoring your needs.  You are then left in the precarious position of just hoping your partner will know what you need.

When you name your needs and make present moment, specific, and connected requests, you give a gift to your partner and your relationship.  S/he gets to expand skills and understanding about how to offer love and support.

Sometimes your partner doesn't receive your requests like a gift.  When your partner responds to a request with, "I am just not that kind of person.  I can't do what you ask." This is an invitation for dialogue.  In this dialogue it helps to connect around these three main points:

§       What did your partner hear?  S/he may have heard criticism and/or demand.  Perhaps your partner has a need for appreciation for the ways s/he is already meeting your needs.  Perhaps hearing that you support his or her autonomy would help.

§       Is there a value or need that s/he thinks will be unmet by saying yes to your request?  It can be helpful here to describe the future situation in which your partner is following through on your request to see how s/he imagines it will not meet needs.

§       Check in with the energy of your request.  If you are coming from a place of scarcity and desperation, you may unknowingly create a cycle of rescuer and rescuee.  Your partner may be trying to break out of this cycle by saying no.  If you are feeling desparate, it helps to get connected to all the other ways you could get your need met.  Finding your own sense of choice and resource helps you make requests from an open-hearted centered place.

Take a moment to notice if you are holding any unspoken expectations of your partner.  Is your partner already meeting these expectations?  If yes, have you shared appreciation with her or him (being specific about needs met)?  If no, take a moment to translate your expectation into a need and specific request.  If you feel tight around the request, bring your awareness to all the other choices you have about meeting that need. ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/588 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/588 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/588#comments Thu, 25 Nov 2010 10:55:04 -0800 Reactivity is perpetuated when you lack clarity about what will be helpful with it.  Instead of setting a boundary with reactivity, you might unknowingly encourage it.

A student recently talked about how when his girlfriend reacted and spoke to him in ways that didn't meet his need for respect, he would walk out and then call later to try to patch things up.  Rather than expressing how her behavior didn't meet needs for him, he attempted to sooth and reassure her and reconnect the two of them.

He didn't wait for her to claim responsibility for her reactivity nor did he ask her to do so.  In this way the two of them began to set a norm in their relationship in which not only is reactivity okay, but it also leads to extra warmth and reassurance.  Under the surface this creates piled up resentment and hurt.

Setting a boundary around reactivity means knowing what really helps with handling difficulty and asking for that.  In the example above, he might set a boundary by saying, "I want to hear how my behavior has affected you and get connected about it without hearing your opinions of me.  Please call me when you are willing to do that."

When they talk later and she is able to express her experience without including opinions of him, he might further set a boundary, by letting her know that this approach to communicating works for him and asking that when reactivity is present that they take a time out until they both can communicate an internal experience rather judgments of each other.

Reactive patterns persist when you practice them.  Some part of you believes that expressing yourself in this way will be effective in meeting your needs.  Of course, your reactive behavior has been partially effective at one time or another or you wouldn't do it.  It is your equal or greater awareness of the cost of your behavior that helps you interrupt reactive patterns and move toward what you want.

In the example above, each person in the couple will likely fall into a reactive pattern again before they are able to access a different way of relating.  The important difference is that each time one of them is able to interrupt the argument earlier and disengage.  Then, when they talk later, it will be essential in building a new norm in their relationship that they revisit the fact that the boundary was crossed, acknowledge the cost of that, how it happened, and what they need to do differently to support the new way of interacting in the midst of difficulty.

Take a moment now to reflect on a reactive pattern you have.  Write down what it costs you and what needs you are hoping to meet with that behavior.  Give yourself one simple replacement behavior that you can clearly connect to meeting a need.  Practice this behavior before the reactive behavior comes up again. ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/587 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/587 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/587#comments Thu, 18 Nov 2010 12:25:06 -0800 Often setting boundaries is approached from the thought of keeping something out.  This is true and works well for food storage containers and cell membranes, but in the interpersonal realm not as much.

In relationships with others it's more helpful to think about boundaries in terms of what activities and environments best meet your needs.  Instead of setting a boundary to keep others out, you set one to continue to move toward what works for you.  This creates a sense of safety through connection rather than safety through resistance or withdrawing.

For example, a friend asks you if you would like to join her for the next 3 weekends in making a cob structure in her backyard.  You feel a tension in your stomach.  She's really excited and looking for support.  You have some cob building skills and know you'd be useful.  You know you don't want to do it, but it's hard to say no to your friend.  "I just don't want to", doesn't seem like a good answer and might trigger her into thinking you don't care about your friendship.

This is when it's helpful to know what you are moving toward.  Upon reflection you connect with what is alive for you.  You realize that in your personal time you need rest, peace, and connection with yourself.  You feel energized and rejuvenated when you meet these needs by spending time alone in your wood working shop.  Taking care of yourself in this way allows the best you to show up with others during the work week.

From this place of knowing what's important to you, you can answer your friend.  When your friend has an understanding of your world, it's easier for her to hear your "no", because she gets that you are saying yes to your own needs which allows you to contribute to others in the ways you have chosen through your work and other engagements.

This also can open a space for negotiation.  Understanding your needs your friend may shift her request.  Rather than helping on the weekends, she may ask if you would be willing to take an hour to look at her plans for the structure.

As you become subtle and clear about what truly meets your needs, in a way that is in alignment with your authenticity, setting boundaries becomes a process of staying connected to yourself rather than pushing others away.

Each day this week take a few moments as you eat breakfast to reflect on your intention for the day and how you will move in alignment with that intention.

Next week I'll look at how this applies to cycles of reactivity in your relationships. ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/585 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/585 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/585#comments Fri, 05 Nov 2010 10:51:34 -0700 Somewhere along the way whether in agencies, communities, the workplace, or even in your own family you have likely encountered one or more people that you thought were difficult if not impossible.  You consider their thinking and behavior to be shockingly inconsiderate, disrespectful, or small-minded.

Many times I have heard students of mine describing this scenario and saying, "I don't think NVC works in this kind of situation.  You can't connect to this kind of person."

I get suspicious whenever I hear the phrase "NVC works".  Hearing yourself say this you might examine if you have gone into thinking that NVC is about getting people to be "reasonable" and collaborate with you.  Hopefully creating connection does lead to collaboration, but when someone doesn't respond to your attempts to connect, it doesn't mean NVC is failing or you are failing.

Sometimes folks just don't choose to connect with you.  You could analyze these folks and why they are so "difficult", but you don't need to.  The really important question is what do you do in response to their choice?

You can't make someone connect with you, but you can choose to stay connected to yourself.  Making this choice is NVC. 

The first step is often just naming and watching your own rage, indignation, and shock.  Let yourself watch the jackal show.  Before you vent to your friend about this, name it for what it is:  "This is my jackal show.  I think this person is...!"

The next step is acknowledging your own hurt and sadness around not being met with consideration and respect. 

Then it is about naming what you really care about in that situation.  Reacting is deciding what to do based on what someone else does.  Responding is deciding what to do based on your own needs and values.  You don't have the support of this person in meeting needs, so you may have to change your strategies, but you don't give up on the needs.

As the initial shock and anger fades and you become centered again in your needs and your approach to meeting them, a little more space in your heart may open.  You can choose to dissolve your enemy images of this person in that space. 

Holding anger in your heart disconnects you from yourself and saps your energy.  Anger's purpose is to get you to attend to what's happening. Once it has served that purpose, it's not useful to hang out in it.

Reflecting on this person from a more full heart you might be able to remember that they have feelings and needs.  You might be able to picture them and see behind the exterior into a sense of vulnerability, fear, or pain.  Having compassion for this person, does NOT mean you accept their behavior or stop working to meet the needs alive for you.  It simply means that you do your work in a different state of mind, body, and heart.

Take a moment now to notice if there is someone in your life for whom you are holding anger towards.  Go through the steps above.  Begin by letting yourself feel that anger and then ask it what it wants you to notice, take care of, or be mindful of.  Often anger, just wants you to be clear about continuing to take care of yourself and meet needs as they arise.

 It's most tempting to analyze your partner when you do something that doesn't meet a need.  In your mind, taking a nibble of what your partner ordered for dinner may be a reflection of the intimacy and generosity in your relationship.  And for your partner it may show a lack of respect.  

 Be very suspicious of the mind that wants to analyze your partner's issues around scarcity and how it likely started in childhood when s/he didn't receive consistent nurturing.  Even if Freud were to descend from the heavens and affirm the accuracy of your analysis, it wouldn't necessarily do much for your relationship.  There's a good chance that such analysis would be used as evidence for how messed up your partner is and how healthy you are.

I don't mean to say that understanding your partner's history and how that shows up now as sensitivities and preferences isn't useful.  When that information and clarity is offered by your partner, it can help you access compassion.  It is your impulse to analyze on your own that you want to examine.

 If asking before tasting your partner's dinner, meets his or her need for respect then you have one more simple way of meeting that need.  It's easy to celebrate this when you take yourself out of it.  That is, you remember that your partner's reaction to you nibbling his or her dinner is about her or him.  It's not about you being wrong or doing something wrong.  You simply didn't know that that wouldn't meet needs. 

 When you do something that doesn't work for your partner, offering empathy (a guess about what feelings and needs are up) is not only a gift to him or her, it's a gift to you.  Offering empathy can help you get out of the habit of taking things personally and then having to make someone wrong or right. 

 Life gets so much easier when you perceive other's behavior as about their feelings and needs and not about you.  Here are some "mantras" that might help you remember this in a difficult moment:

-This isn't about me.

-It's okay for my partner to be upset. 

-I know my intentions are good.  I am doing the best I can.

-I don't have to defend, this isn't about me.

-My partner's reactions are not my fault.

-What is my partner feeling and needing?

 The next time you do something that doesn't meet needs for your partner remind yourself that it's not about you, and then get curious about what does meet his or her needs in that context.

On the other hand, coming from abundance can also be a concrete practice that helps create connection in communication.

Let's look at one example from a gem reader. I'll call him Rob.

Rob says he has difficulty sharing his feelings and needs. He longs to be seen and celebrated. He wants his partner Chris to ask him more questions about his experiences each day and to initiate conversations about their relationship as often as he does.

Coming from the hurt of his unmet need around being seen, Rob communicates to Chris:

"I need as much attention as I give you. I feel left out and unattended and uncared for. I need you to take as much interest in my life as I take in yours. I feel angry.  It's like I am not important to you."

Rob has attempted to communicate his feelings and needs. Tragically he has likely inspired guilt, defensiveness, and disconnect. He has told Chris what he thinks Chris is doing or not doing rather than actually sharing his feelings and needs.

If Rob used syntactically perfect NVC it might sound like this:

"When I notice that at dinner last night we talked about your day for 30 minutes and my day for 10, I feel sad and disappointed because I long to be seen and cared for. Would you be willing to take more time to hear about my day tonight at dinner?"

This will increase the chances of Rob being heard and still there is something missing and Rob's heart is not fully expressed.

Sharing unmet needs from abundance, you ask yourself to slow down. Take a few minutes to experience the need that is alive for you. Allow your total attention to be in the experience of the need. Drop the other person and the circumstance for the moment. For example, to do this Rob can ask himself, "What is the experience of being seen fully? What does it feel like in my heart and body?" Rob then takes a few minutes and to experience the feelings and sensations that come up.

Creating this level of connection with your own needs, the other person gets to experience the aliveness of your need rather than what's lacking. From this place of connection to the aliveness of your needs a natural giving from the heart arises.

Having connected more fully to his needs, Rob might express himself like this:

"I notice this sadness because I long to be seen for all of who I am and at the same time I feel excited when I think about sharing more of who I am with you. I have so much that I want to share - what I'm excited about, what's hard for me, what I am learning. Chris can you tell me what you're getting from what I'm saying?"

Shifting to sharing your needs from a place of abundance means allowing yourself to experience the possibility of that need being met. In doing so, you drop the idea that the other person "should" be doing something differently. Your needs are you own, to honor and enjoy, and to meet in a way that has you thriving with aliveness.

This week, choose one situation in which to slow yourself down before making a request.  Take time to connect fully with the aliveness of your needs.  Notice how your request feels and sounds different from this place of aliveness. ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/581 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/581 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/581#comments Thu, 07 Oct 2010 17:05:20 -0700 Any healthy relationship balances itself around three basic needs:  Autonomy, Security, & Intimacy. When a relationship focuses on one of these and neglects the others, conflict arises.

It is easy to caught in the idea that making your relationship a priority means abandoning your autonomy.  This usually isn't a conscious view, but rather a vague sense of having to protect yourself from being lost in the intensity of intimacy or the perceived bonds of security.

When you have a tenuous sense of being loyal to your own needs and choosing what is authentic for you, it's a scary thing to consider someone else as you make decisions.  You might get sidetracked by ideas of what you should or shouldn't do to "make" your partner happy.  Rather than get lost here, you might swing to the other pole and make decisions on your own without considering the effect on your relationship.

At the most basic level, making your relationship a priority means you are willing to consider the effects actions may have on your relationship.  As you learn to take care of your needs and stay true to yourself, you are able to enter into dialogue with your partner and negotiate ways in which all needs can be met.

The tricky part here is that negotiation all too often moves into familiar solutions and compromise before you connect to needs.  You find yourself stuck in conflict about the way you think it should be and the way your partner thinks it should be.

It takes maturity and trust to let you go of your favorite ways of doing things.  As you let go of your preferences and stay focused on the present moment needs, creativity can flow.  You and your partner can find new ways to meet needs that supports individual autonomy and authenticity as well as intimacy and security in the relationship.

To begin to make your relationship a priority while not losing yourself, write down the needs you are hoping to meet in a decision you are considering.

As you talk to your partner about this, listen for his or her needs without agreeing or disagreeing with any requests.

After you hear your partner, say your needs out loud again.  Affirm that you would like to come with ways in which both of you could get your needs met.  This is the moment where either of you could slip into frustration.  When the first couple attempts at requests don't fit, you may be tempted to engage old patterns of demanding, convincing, going along with, or shutting down.  Let yourself be a beginner.  Ask for more time, an hour, a day, whatever it takes for creativity to arise in response to connection with both your needs.

In asking yourself to engage this process, you are learning to trust a new way of taking care of yourself and your relationships.  It's okay for it to feel scary, awkward, formulaic, or "not normal".  What feels "normal" to you is often a way of referring to your habits of thinking and acting.  While "normal" may be in your comfort zone, it doesn't necessarily meet your needs for authenticity and compassion. ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/580 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/580 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/580#comments Thu, 30 Sep 2010 13:42:57 -0700 Ever heard yourself say "I have to" and then experienced a heavy or resentful feeling?  Saying "I have to" can be a short hand way to refer to a responsibility that you are choosing or it can be a way of creating a burden and obligation.

When you make decisions from a sense of "I have to", you create a sort of mental slavery and come to resent others for it.  This isn't something you are consciously creating. My guess is that somewhere back there in life, when you were exercising your choice, you had some negative experiences.  You learned that if you choose what's right for you it could cost you acceptance from the group, a sense of belonging, or it seemed to hurt others.  You may not even consciously remember these experiences.

You learned to cope by repressing your choice in favor of what you thought the group (or your parents) wanted you to do.  This way of thinking becomes a habit and even though the situation has changed and hopefully you now find yourself in groups that support your authenticity, you act from the old reality.

It's my hope for you that you are with people who are big enough to support your authenticity and the needs of the group.  If this is truly not the case, you may find that you need to leave that community or group of friends.  Eventually, trading your authenticity for belonging becomes an unsustainable way of living.  Symptoms like anger, depression, and sense of being empty or lost begin to appear.

As I worked with this pattern in myself, I noticed that a part of me was imagining that amorphous others were watching and judging my choices. The more clearly I saw through this pattern the more I saw how my belonging was secure and my authenticity supported by others.

One of the most tragic things about this dynamic is that you likely, have a true value and longing to be of service and care for others, and this gets hijacked by fear and obligation.  Serving from a sense of burden and resentment isn't a contribution, it's a toxin to yourself and your relationships.  Sadly, you don't meet your need for contribution or authenticity.

It takes courage to choose what's right for you when you perceive that your belonging is at risk.  However, standing in your choice and authenticity and noticing that you are supported heals this wounding and liberates you from slavery to limiting beliefs.

This week notice when you are telling yourself, "I have to".  Take a couple of breaths and notice what your experience is when you are in that frame of mind.  Then, check in with the reality of the situation.  Is your belonging really at risk?  Are you willing to choose what's right for you and see what happens? 

Lastly, check in with other needs behind a choice you are making.  Is it a decision from the heart based on needs for integrity, contribution, completion, etc?  Sometimes just getting touch with what you are caring for when you make a decision can help you shift from obligation to choice.

Walking slow and mindfully through a park may help you soak up sights, scents, and sounds at a subtle and satisfying level.

On the other hand, mindfulness doesn't necessarily mean slow.

Going slow is a strategy you can engage to meet a variety of needs.  When you get caught in thinking about going slow as "the way you are", "the best way", or something you "need", you have become attached to a strategy and have lost track of the needs alive in the moment.  Getting attached to particular strategies in this way often leads to stuck and repetitive arguments with your partner.

One way to prevent arguments is to create flexibility around how you meet needs.  You can start by identifying the needs that are met for you when you go slow (or any other strategy you might be attached to) and then notice what other ways those needs might be met.

Second, check in with what needs are most alive in the moment.  For example, if you find that you and your partner are arguing about going slow or fast through the grocery shopping, you can check in about needs before the trip.  If your partner wants to do it quickly, s/he might have needs for efficiency and secondarily for more play time with you afterwards.  You may want to go slow thinking this will be most efficient because you will be more likely to remember what's on your list.  Identifying the needs you are hoping to meet and the ways you think they will best be met opens up a platform for negotiating about what will work best for both of you.

I am guessing some of you might be thinking, "All this for a trip to the grocery store?!"  If you are, I would ask you to check in with how much time and energy it takes when you argue, get resentful, or just give up and go along.  Putting in extra time in connecting about needs alive with mundane stuff can create a whole new level flow and collaboration in your relationship.

Any repetitive argument in relationship is likely to involvement some attachment to particular strategies that are posing as something inflexible like "the way you are" or "the way things should be".  These kinds of thoughts or expressions can be a cue to check in with needs that are alive in the moment.        

Take some time now to sit with a repetitive argument in your relationship.  Is there some particular way of doing things or way of seeing things that you hear yourself repeating? 

Then, get out your needs list and identify the needs you hope this strategy would meet?  What other ways do you meet these needs already?  What new ways could you meet these needs in the particular context of your argument?

You may have grown up in a home or culture where emotion is expressed freely, but not necessarily in a healthy or responsible way.  Perhaps free expression of emotion was associated with equally free expression of judgment, criticism, or blame. 

Or perhaps a tight lid was put on emotion and you never saw it's healthy expression modeled.  You implicitly got the message that emotion was a thing to be avoided.  Or, if emotion was expressed, it was an extreme situation, so you learned to associate emotion with big problems.

Part of creating a healthy relationship is creating a safe space for emotion to be expressed as it arises in connection to needs met or unmet.  An important step in creating this safety is becoming aware of your own conditioning around emotion. 

In one couple I worked with recently, let's call them Jim and Sara, Jim made Sara's expression of emotion mean that there was a big problem and he was likely the cause of it.  He subtly gave Sara the message that emotional expression wasn't okay with him.  In response, Sara easily fell into her own conditioning which was to put a lid on emotion. 

As a result, both engaged in long analyses of themselves and each other.  In blocking expression of emotion, they also blocked their access to needs.  Instead of making decisions from what was alive for them, decisions were the result of a disconnected discussion.

A healthy expression of emotion has at least some of these elements:

§       Emotions are named as they come up

§       Emotions are felt in the body

§       Emotions are recognized as that which comes and goes (e.g., there's not a fear that you'll always feel a certain way)

§       Emotions are known to arise from needs and precipitating perceptions or interpretations

§       Emotions can be felt for what they are without attaching extra meaning (e.g., "I feel this therefore it means something must be wrong.")

Take a moment to reflect on your relationship to emotional expression.  What was modeled for you?  How is this showing up now?  What happens for you when your partner expresses "big" emotion?

Behind the strategy to control other's behavior or the environment, you will often find lots fear and hurt.  Behind the fear and hurt you will often find self-criticism.  Jackals just below the conscious level may be saying you failed and you're not good enough.

Another way you can monitor whether your control strategy is operating or not is how much you are focused on what others should be doing or not doing and just how wrong and bad they are.

When hurt, fear, and self-criticism reach a certain level, some part of you decides it is too much for you to experience and you start directing your attention outward.  You begin to criticize others and may attempt to control others and your environment.  Thoughts like, "If only she wouldn't communicate like that, we wouldn't have this problem."  "If only he would ..., things would go smoothly."   You create a sort of hell for yourself believing that if only others would change you would be happy.  In this hell, you believe your thoughts that others aren't considering you on purpose, that others are selfish, flaky, etc.

When making a true request you are centered in your heart, there may be hurt or sadness there and you are willing to feel it.  You take the time to reflect through journaling or meditation or asking someone to listen empathically.  You identify and detach from your jackals.  From this reflection, you gain clarity about what needs are really alive and what you know or guess meets those needs.  This self-connection and reflection informs your requests. 

Couples often ask when it is okay to make a request and how often one should or shouldn't make a request of his or her partner.  It's not about when or how often.  It's about where the request is coming from.  When a request comes from your connection to yourself and honoring of your needs, it's always time to make a request.

Unfortunately, all too often, couples aren't able or willing to do the work of creating the connection until each can hear each other's feelings and needs without a defended heart.  When requests are made without this connection, they can be hijacked on the speaker's side by a strategy to control or a perception on the listener's side that he or she is never enough.

If you are your partner are going back and forth about particular strategies or requests, check with your heart and see if you can find a way to let go of jackals.  Feel your hurt and longing, and ask for healing by creating a space for a dialogue that has only empathy going back and forth, with no talk of solutions or action requests.

Do you remember this defensive playground taunt?

When name-calling or criticism come you're way and some part of you literally believes their true, they stick and, of course, they hurt. When no part of you believes the criticism, they bounce off and you can hear that what the person is saying is really about their own feelings and needs.

At first when you receive an incoming jackal that sticks, you likely find yourself reacting. Either you turn your jackal ears in and agree about how bad or wrong you are or you turn your jackal ears out and say how bad or wrong the other person is.

Most people flip their ears in and out, feeling alternately, depressed - angry, depressed - angry, . . .

When you have any reaction (by reaction I mean a sudden clenching of the body, heart, and mind) at all to what someone is saying, the first thing to do is ask, "What am I telling myself? What am I making this mean?" Reactivity lets you know that a jackal show has begun in your mind. If you can get front row seats to this show, your chances of intervening are much higher.

Take the time to stop and watch your show rather than moving on to the next distraction, or even worse, starting to speak from your reactivity.  Whether you are at work or at home, take a timeout. Bathrooms are great places for timeouts.

During this timeout you call on your calm and nurturing inner parent to dialogue with your jackals. Here's an example of a dialogue I recently had with a jackal of mine that was stimulated by a conversation with someone I respect.

Jackal: You're worthless.

My inner parent: I'm guessing you're scared jackal.

Jackal: Yes. (already with this single line of empathy I could feel my body start to relax).

My inner parent: I'm guessing you think it will somehow be helpful if I believe what you say. How do you think it will be helpful?

Jackal: If you believe me, then you will shut down, get depressed, and not take any risks and then we will be safe.

My inner parent: Yea, so you want to be safe from hurt.

Jackal: That's right.

My inner parent: Jackal, what we both know is that depression is actually more painful than any hurt I could experience in my relationships. Do you remember all the pain we've experienced in the past with depression?
I want you to know I am committed to keeping us safe. I do this by paying attention to our inner experience through mindfulness, meditation, journaling, and talking with others.

And I consistently take the time to care for it like I am doing right now with you.  I am meeting a need for safety by taking a time-out when I hear something hurts so that I can respond to it in a way that works.

This dialogue effectively dissolved this jackal. This was the alpha jackal of a pack that showed up together. So I had several dialogues of this sort, one after the other, addressing each jackal in turn.

Let's sum up the key elements in responding to jackals that stick.

1. Notice when you're reacting.
   1. Know the signs and symptoms of reaction in your body -  Anger and shut down are the most common indicators
2. Choose to take a timeout from the interaction.
3. Get front row seats at your jackal show (Ask: "What am I telling myself?").
4. Access your calm and nurturing inner parent.
5. Engage the jackals in a dialogue one by one. This dialogue includes:
   1. Guess the feelings and needs of your jackals
   2. Ground your jackals in what you know is true, (eg. depression won't make us safe from hurt).
   3. Let your jackals know the concrete strategies you are engaging in to meet the needs they are concerned about.

This week give yourself at least one timeout when you notice reactivity.  During the timeout, follow the steps outlined above.

In your enthusiasm you might unconsciously assign yourself as your partner's life coach, therapist, or self-improvement director.  You find yourself giving advice about how he or she could do better self-care.  You hear yourself frequently giving feedback about how he or she could have handled some situation in a more conscious way.

If this is happening, you might hear your partner saying one or more of the following:

"I'm never enough for you."

"I can't be myself with you."

"You don't accept me."

"You're always judging me."

"You don't think I know how to take care of myself."

"You don't trust me."

"You're always raising the bar in our relationship and not telling me you've set some new standard."

"I have to do everything your way."

"I'm not good enough for you."

"You're more evolved than I am."

Anxiety is often behind your attempts to coach or counsel your partner.  Anxiety tends to lead to a frantic mind that looks externally for relief.  Anxiety often gives rise to thoughts like "if only my partner would... then things would be better."

When you find yourself thinking about how your partner should have done this or that or could be doing more self-improvement, take a breath and notice if you feel anxiety.  Sometimes it's subtle and hanging in the background.  Sometimes it's so constant you have stopped noticing it. 

Take a deep breath and just let yourself notice.  Unnoticed anxiety continuously gives you the message that something is wrong and you should do something different.  When you stop and just observe anxiety you can consciously notice if there really is anything wrong or anything you need to do differently.

If there really is something you want to tend to, start with yourself.  As you go over a situation in your mind or in your journal start by asking what you would have liked to do differently had you been more aware at the time.  Formulate a do-able request for yourself regarding the needs in the situation. 

Then ask yourself if more needs could be met by checking in with your partner's experience of the situation and sharing your own.  From a vulnerable and shared connection with your partner you may have some specific request of him or her to better meet your needs.  This is very different from offering advice or feedback.  You are taking responsibility for yourself and your needs rather than directing your partner's growth.

This week each time you have the impulse to give advice or feedback to your partner challenge yourself to instead share what you learned and want to do differently regarding that situation. If you are worried about your partner's well-being, express your caring rather than giving advice or directives.

Last week I was hiking in Yosemite with my partner and his father.  My partner said something that triggered hurt in me.  Instantaneously my thoughts moved to defense, judgment of him and his action, and justification.  It swirled among these three for several minutes fabricating arguments about why he shouldn't have said what he did and all the ways I didn't deserve such an "attack".  Then for a few more minutes I switched to analysis about why he had said it, how he was being reactive because of such and such. 

This kind of thinking can be seductive.  I am guessing you have found yourself believing that it's important to express these thoughts.  You may be seduced by the dramatic content of your thoughts.  This is the trap that can keep you stuck in reactivity.  Whatever the courtroom might say about the relative truth of your thoughts is irrelevant if you want to get back to your heart.  The usefulness in these thoughts is NOT the content.  The usefulness is in that they point to something important happening in your heart, usually hurt.

Meditation and mindfulness practice help you to create more awareness of this and greater ability to let yourself feel the hurt that's there.  You can start mindfulness practice with this by noticing any time you start to think or express judgment, criticism, or analysis of yourself or others or make a case about why someone is right or wrong.  Then ask yourself, "Thinking or expressing this, do I feel better?  Am I more relaxed, happier, connected, etc.?" 

Mindfully experiencing the truth of where this kind of thinking leaves you, you naturally wake up from the reactive trance they create.  You make space to feel what's there and naturally return to your heart.  Settled in your heart your perspective widens and wisdom arises.

When you and your partner find that you are exchanging explanations of how things are or should be you know you are still in the trance of reactivity.  This is the road to nowhere.  Call a timeout.  Get the feelings and needs sheet or agree to come back to it later.

For this week take on the simple mindfulness practice of noticing your judging, explaining, and justifying thinking or talk and ask the question, "Do I feel happier, more relaxed, or more connected as I think or express this?"

There are lots of reasons you might hide from your partner.  You may want him or her to see you a certain way.  You may think that hiding will allow for more harmony or fun.  You may worry that your partner will take on your difficulty and get overwhelmed and then resentful.  You may have a belief that you can only be loved if you act a certain way.

Whatever the reason, hiding can only diminish your connection.  It interrupts the flow between you and your partner. A connection based on pretense is fragile and unsatisfying.

Over and over I have witnessed that when something difficult is responsibly expressed the heaviness around it dissolves.  What seems huge when held inside becomes smaller and less dramatic when expressed.

How to have a sense of responsibility in what you express is the key here.  Part of cultivating a NVC consciousness is becoming aware of your motivations (that is, what need you are hoping to meet) in what you say and do.  When it is difficult to share your experience with your partner you can make it easier on both of you by getting clear about your purpose for sharing.

For example, when I was sick I learned to share my symptoms by expressing my purpose like this, "I am not making any requests for you to do anything different or to change what's happening, I just want to let you know where I'm at.  My head is hurting and my energy is low."  Your partner can sense when you are struggling with something.  Expressing your experience clearly allows your partner to have relief from the guessing game of "What's wrong?  Did I do something to upset you?"  You may also get some relief from shame jackals who say who shouldn't be experiencing what you're experiencing.

Noticing reactivity arising is a particularly useful arena in which to express clearly.  Hiding reactivity tends to feed it.  (Simply noticing reactivity and choosing not to express it because you are staying connected despite it is much different from hiding).  Letting your partner know some reactivity has come as soon as you notice it helps in at least two important ways. 

One, when you name a reactive pattern for what it is you stop identifying with it and are less likely to be swept away in it.  Two, when your partner hears you name reactivity and express your purpose in doing so, s/he gets a greater sense of trust or safety seeing that you are consciously working to stay connected.

You might say something like this, "I want to hear you and I notice I am starting to react.  Give me a moment to take a breath and get re-centered."  In that moment you engage in the strategies you have to dis-identify from reactivity and connect with your heart (see archive articles on reactivity if you need some reminders here). 

For now take a moment to reflect on the last few days and notice if there is something you have been hiding out of fear or shame.  If you choose to express this to your partner, what is your request.  Are asking for empathy?  Are just offering an update about your world to help the two of you stay connected?  Are you looking for perspective or clarity about a particular issue?  For example, maybe you need some clarity about how your partner sees you, some reassurance that s/he knows that you are not your difficulties.

This week, challenge yourself to come forward when you have the impulse to hide.  Express your experience and your intention for sharing it (i.e., your request).

Growing up in the Colorado mountains, runaway truck ramps were a common sight. At the bottom of a steep downgrade a runaway truck could suddenly swerve off onto an immediate steep uphill made of layers of loose gravel the truck could sink into.

Here are some runaway truck ramps to help you downshift into NVC consciousness when you feel like you are sliding out of control:

Ask Questions that help identify Needs:

• "What's most important to you (to me) right now?"
• "There is something here we really care about. What is it?"
• "What am I (are you) afraid of losing?"
• "What is the part you really want me to understand?"
• "What am I trying to get to here?"

Create Space

• "Give me a minute to process what you said"
• "Hang on, let me go to the bathroom and come back."
• "You said (repeat what the other just said)"
• "I'd like to take a 20 minute time-out and come back."

Name Your Feeling

• "I feel disconnected"
• "I'm reacting."
• "I'm nervous right now"
• "I feel defensive."
• "My heart is racing."
• "I'm going fuzzy."

Name What's Happening

• "I notice I just blamed you."
• "I'm defending myself."
• "I'm thinking you are judging me."
• "I'm repeating myself."
• "My voice is getting louder."
• "I'm talking more quickly."
• "I'm moving away from you."

Use Pattern Interrupts

• "How about a glass of water?"
• Howl like a Jackal
• Say something you are grateful for
• Take the conversation to another room or go outside
• Plan a sign or keyword with the other person to signal you are in disconnect

This week, notice when you move from disconnect to connection within yourself or with others. Write down what you did to make that shift. Create your own list of runaway truck ramps.

If you and your partner are entering jackal land, it can save a lot of hurt if one of you can call a time-out and disengage. This is even more useful if you have a standing agreement about calling time-outs and returning to check-in after a certain amount of time. Unfortunately just time away doesn't particularly change anything, as the workshop participant mentioned. For the time-out to be helpful, it's important to reflect on the situation in a way that creates clarity and connection. Below is a series of steps to support you in having helpful timeouts.

Time-out Reflection Steps

1. Name your jackals.

2. Distinguish what actually happened from what you made it mean.  That is, make a clear observation.

3. Name your feelings and needs.

4. Guess your partner's feelings and needs.

5. Write down your feelings and needs and your guess about your partner's feelings and needs.

Let's look at these steps in an example. Chris and Mercedes are driving home from the movie. Chris says, "Turn left here." Mercedes responds, "No, I'm just going to take this way home." Chris says, "Can't you just go the back way." Mercedes responds, "Can't I just go this way!" The conversation escalates into a fight about Chris "being controlling" and Mercedes "being aggressive and defensive".

Chris and Mercedes angrily go their separate ways that night knowing they have plans to hang out the next day.

Chris uses the time-out steps to reflect on the experience:

1. My jackals are saying: Mercedes is aggressive and inconsiderate. She doesn't care what I need and just has to prove she is in control. She is always blowing up at me. She should think about someone besides herself.

2. What happened? I asked her to take the back way and she told me to "back off". What did I make that mean? She doesn't care about me. She doesn't understand what I need.

3. What are my feelings and needs? I am angry because I am still caught in my jackal show thinking about what she should and shouldn't have done. Let me take a few deep breaths and see if I can slow down my body and mind. What's underneath the anger? I am feeling hurt and frustrated because I need caring and understanding. When I asked her to make that turn I was feeling anxious and needed peace and I thought taking the back way would be more peaceful.

4. What might be Mercedes' feelings and needs? Maybe she was feeling embarrassed in front of our friend and wanted trust and acceptance.

Mercedes uses the time-out steps to reflect on the experience:

5. My jackals are saying: Chris just wants to control everything. She has got to have everything her way. She doesn't respect me when I drive.

6. What happened? Chris asked me to take the back way in three different ways. I told her to "back off". What did I make that mean? She doesn't trust me. She thinks I am incompetent. She's judging me.

7. What are my feelings and needs? Right now I am feeling resentful because I am thinking to myself that she should trust me. That's another jackal. I feel angry and disrespected. Oh, that is still jackal. Disrespected isn't a feeling, it's my interpretation of what I think she was doing. Underneath that I feel hurt and frustrated because I need acceptance and trust. In the car I was feeling scared and needing acceptance.

8. What might be Chris' feelings and needs? In asking me to take the other way, maybe she was feeling tired or sick and just wanted rest. Maybe she wanted to do something that involved going that way.

Let's say Chris is the one to start the conversation the next day. Chris might start by offering Mercedes empathy. (This is where it is important to have both people's feelings and needs written down).

Chris: I was thinking about last night. I am guessing maybe you were feeling embarrassed in front of our friend and just wanted acceptance and trust. Is that right?

Mercedes: (Let's pretend Mercedes didn't do the time-out steps) Yea, why do you always have to control everything!

(Here Chris is tempted to defend herself. If she does, they will be fighting again. Instead she sticks to feelings and needs).

Chris: You want trust for your driving and respect for your decisions.

Mercedes: Yea, why can't you trust me?!

(Here it might be easy for Chris to take the bait and slip into lawyer mode and convince Chris of how much she does trust her. Instead she sticks to feelings and needs).

Chris: It's really painful for you to imagine that I don't trust you.

(Mercedes softens and begins to cry. Chris sits silently allowing Mercedes to connect with her own feelings and needs. Mercedes looks up and with curiosity and pain asks a question).

Mercedes: Do you trust me?

Chris: When I asked you to make that turn there was nothing up for me about trusting you. What was up for me was a lot of anxiety and I needed some relief and peace. I thought taking the back way would help me calm down.

Mercedes: Oh, I didn't know you were feeling anxious.

Chris: I feel anxious a lot of the time.

Mercedes: Is there something I could do to help meet your need for peace now?

Chris: Having quiet time together really helps. No TV, no laptop, no cell phones.

Mercedes: Okay let's set aside a couple of nights this week for quiet time.

Chris: Thanks, that would be great. What about your need for acceptance, how can I help you meet that?

Mercedes: Just letting me know what you appreciate. It really helps to hear when you are enjoying me or something I am doing.

Chris: Okay, I can do more of that. I will make it a point to share at least two appreciations with you each day for the next week.

It would be easy here for either Chris or Mercedes to jump to a request around the next time they are in the car together. Something like: "Next time tell me you are anxious before telling me where to turn." While this would likely be helpful it may or may not be do-able and it doesn't address the needs in the moment. Effective requests arise directly out of the needs in the moment.

This week write these steps down on a wallet size card. Carry them with you and pull them out when you experience a conflict.

This week a woman in a couple expressed a celebration.  She said her partner was just more there, softer.  I asked her to get specific about what he said or did that gave her that sense.  It took a few minutes before she could remember what happened.  Finally she said to her partner, "This week I noticed that when I said something as you were passing by you stopped and turned to look at me as I talked."  I then asked her to name the needs that were met when he did this.  The list was long:  support, collaboration, communion, being heard, connection, and love. 

Her partner was surprised hearing how many needs got met in his simple willingness to stop and listen when she spoke.  I offered that knowing what simple things they do that meets needs is an invaluable resource in times of stress when other more elaborate ways of loving each other aren't happening. 

In addition, identifying and celebrating these simple things daily builds a foundation of connection and partnership every day.

Here are some simple street giraffe ways to celebrate little things throughout the day:

-Thanks, that gives me a sense of support and caring.

-I sure do soak up that affection.  It helps me feel relaxed.

-I really get that you hear me when you say it back like that.

-Wow, you remembered I needed a bag lunch tomorrow.  I feel so taken care of.

-When you get home and come straight to find me for a hug, my heart fills up cuz I know I am loved.

This week challenge yourself to do at least one celebration of needs met with someone close to you.  Remember it can be as simple as one sentence like the examples above.  The most important part is to include the specific behavior, the needs it met for you, and the feelings that were present.

You might be tempted to review the rules with that person and give a reminder about his or her particular responsibilities. The underlying thought likely sounds something like this, "If I just tell him enough times about what to do he will do it." You assume here that this person has a need for information and clarity; that it was this lack of clarity that caused him or her to behave that way.

When you have been in a group for a while, it's unlikely that someone has not received the information they need about roles and rules.  So when you approach someone with irritation and a reminder about rules you are likely to encounter resistance in one form or another.

People naturally want to behave in a way that works for everyone when they feel connected  and when there is a sense of acceptance and caring in the group.  Building rapport and relationship rather than reviewing rules creates the collaboration you are seeking.

Building rapport most often starts with you.  If you find yourself irritated in reaction to someone's behavior, the first thing is to give yourself some empathy.  Name the irritation and ask yourself what need is not being met for you.  Here are some questions that can help you access needs:

-What's most important to me here?

-What do I long for?

-What do I really care about?"

Getting connected to the energy of your needs releases you from the contracted state of irritation.

Once you are reconnected with yourself you have space to get curious about your co-worker, family member, housemate, or teammate.  You might guess at what could be going on in his or her world that would contribute to the behavior you have difficulty with.  You might make some guesses at feelings and needs alive for him or her.

You also could give some attention to what this person is doing that does meet needs for you.  It's easy to forget that there may be plenty of times when you are not irritated or even pleased.  You can create rapport in these situations by acknowledging what is working well for you, what you appreciate.

When there is connection and genuine appreciation of the other, you can approach the difficult situation with genuine curiosity and caring.  In this atmosphere difficulties tend to clarify and resolve naturally.

Take a moment now to reflect on someone in your community you react to with irritation.  Notice the jackal show regarding him or her.  Set your jackals aside long enough to follow the steps outlined above.

]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/563 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/563 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/563#comments Thu, 24 Jun 2010 13:41:48 -0700 In the last few years many of the couples I have worked with reported struggling with employment and financial stability.  If you have found yourself in this position you may have experienced conflicts around taking jobs you don't really want, pressuring your partner to look harder for a job, questioning your worthiness as a supportive partner, what to spend money on, and how to save money.

These are all important topics.  In the stress of facing these issues it's easy to get caught in defining support by how much money either of you is bringing home.  Of course, money helps to meet all kinds of needs.  However, income, jobs, and the economy will likely change a lot over your lifetime.

My dream for you and your partner is that you can cultivate a sense of support that does not waiver with the financial weather of the moment.

Collaboration is the key to creating this kind of support.  I am not talking about the divide and conquer approach to responsibilities (e.g., you pick up the kids and I'll cook dinner).  This has its merit, but when it is too heavily relied on you and your partner become line workers in the routine of daily life.

The kind of collaboration I am talking about is a consciousness in which you trust that together you can find ways to meet both your needs.  This is different from compromise - you both have to give up some needs and unhappily meet in the middle.

In the consciousness of collaboration you consider if a decision you make will affect your partner.  If you think it might, you open a dialogue about that decision in which you both express your needs and offer listening and then brainstorm strategies that would work for both of you.  This kind of consideration and willingness to work to meet both your needs creates a deep sense of support in your relationship.

There are all kinds of reasons that can make this difficult.  (See last week's article http://wiseheartpdx.org/blog/) You might be afraid your partner will react and you'll react and give up your needs, your autonomy, to keep the peace.  You might not be able to see a way that would work for both of you and so feel hopeless about starting a dialogue.  You might notice your partner often gives up her or his needs and so don't trust that s/he will be honest about what would really work.

When these things stop you from attempting to collaborate with your partner you miss out on an incredible opportunity to synergize with the creativity and insight you could both bring to a decision.

What does it take to create a stable sense of support in your relationship through collaboration?  Well, it takes a lot, but let's start with three things - mindfulness, courage, and skill. 

First, mindfulness, you have awareness about when you are making a decision that could affect your partner. 

Second, courage, you have a willingness to feel nervous about conflict and jump in anyway.  You're not letting fear make your decisions for you.

Third, skills, you are learning and practicing a vocabulary of needs and how to get connected to needs.  These are the skills that a lot of you have practiced in workshops with me and other NVC trainers.  It takes this kind of focused practice for you to trust a new way of relating and taking care of yourself and others.

For now take a moment to reflect on decisions you made last week.  Is there one you made on your own that affected your partner?  If you did start a dialogue to collaborate, make a note of where you got stuck and what worked.  If you made the decision without attempting collaboration, notice what beliefs got in your way (maybe something listed above).  Are you willing to revisit this decision with your partner and connect with needs up for both of you and what you might do in a future similar situation?  You could also start by reading this article with your partner and setting an intention together.

The appearance of having more of less of a need often depends on how you learned to relate to that need in your family of origin.  For simplicity sake you can think about your relationship to a need in three ways:

1) Supportive: the need was consistently met in a loving and supportive way.

2)  Ambivalent: the need was inconsistently met and may have been associated with judgment or emotional volatility.

3)  Disconnected: attempts to meet the need were actively discouraged and you learned to, at least partially, shut down your connection to it.

Let's look at examples of each of these using the needs for autonomy and intimacy.

1)  Supportive

If you were consistently supported in expressing independence and choice growing up, then you likely stay connected to your autonomy in a variety of circumstances.  You are able to no to requests from others.  You are comfortable joining groups and relating to authority figures because you remember that you have a choice about how and when to engage.  You are likely to take your time and consider carefully what will work for you and what won't.

2)  Ambivalent

If however your relationship to autonomy was ambivalent, inconsistently supported, ignored, or suppressed by your parents, you may find yourself frequently fighting for your autonomy.  It may feel like the world is full of people pressuring you into doing things.  You might swing back and forth between going along with everything and resisting everything.

3)  Disconnected

If your autonomy was frequently not allowed or actively discouraged growing up, you may have become disconnected from it.  You may find yourself unable to say no in the face of a request.  Setting boundaries is an almost incomprehensible concept.  You may feel like you are living someone else's life rather than your own.  You tend to make your decisions based on what you think you should do rather than what is in your heart.

Let's look at the same scenarios for intimacy.

1)  Supportive

If you had a consistent loving bond with a caregiver growing up, you likely enjoy and trust intimacy.  Your need for intimacy is met easily and often because you trust that connection with others will be positive.  When your partner goes away for a trip you likely can maintain a sense of connection to him or her.

2)  Ambivalent

If sometimes intimacy was met with warmth and other times it was associated with violation or betrayal, you likely have an ambivalent relationship to it.  When others reach out to you, it may be difficult to trust so your need for intimacy often goes unmet.  You may let yourself get intimate with someone and then suddenly find yourself numbing out or wanting to get away.  You may find yourself wanting to meet your need for intimacy only with your partner whom you have learned to trust.

3)  Disconnected

Perhaps as a child when you approached a parent for closeness, and she or he was unavailable or ridiculed you in some way (For example, "Big girls don't need to sit with Mommy.").   You likely shut down around your need for intimacy.  You may hear yourself saying to your partner, "I like being alone, Let's just do our own thing." The pleasure others take in snuggling and being close may seem strange to you.  You may have a sense that you don't belong, that you were born on the wrong planet.

For people in supportive or disconnected relationship to a need it may appear from the outside that they have "less" of that need.  For people in an ambivalent relationship to a need it may appear that they have "more" of that need.  The unfortunate result of this misperception is that it can lead to shaming or at the very least evaluating "how it should be".

When it is difficult to relate to a need organically from the heart, you may find yourself looking to outside standards for what is "normal".  Others may collude with you in this idea.

What I have presented here is not meant to be a complete explanation of the complexities of how we develop and learn to relate to our needs.  It is meant to begin to give a framework to reflect on your relationship to needs in yourself and others.

Of course these original ways you learned to relate to needs is changeable.  Otherwise we wouldn't be doing this work.  Being in a supportive partnership and community is one of the most powerful vehicles for change in this realm.

Take a moment to reflect on a need that you experience some ease around.  Notice how you and under what conditions you meet that need.  How did you learn to relate to that need in a connected way? ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/559 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/559 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/559#comments Thu, 10 Jun 2010 12:42:14 -0700 When you've tried everything and are still stuck around an issue with your partner there is a good chance a shame jackal is lurking about. 

In my experience, shame jackals can derail a connection more than any other jackal.  This is not only because it is an energy depleting jackal, but also because it's often guarded by layers of anger and defensiveness.  When your partner reacts in anger or defensiveness you can get distracted from more vulnerable feelings and needs.  You forget these are always underneath. Let's look at examples from two couples with whom I have worked.  They are dealing with two common shame jackals.  (I have summarized the dialogues for teaching purposes).

Andreas is unemployed and looking for work.  He and his partner Lily have two kids and are worried about stability.  They have agreed to limit spending. When Lily sees Andreas return home with a mocha grande from Starbucks she says, "I am wanting to be careful about spending."  Andreas responds in a raised voice, "It's just a coffee!"

Lily and Andreas decide to try to use the NVC skills they have learned to connect around this.  Lily says she feels frustrated because she wants to express her concern and be heard and also wants collaboration around finances.  Andreas reflects this back accurately after a couple of attempts.  Lily complains that even though he says it back she doesn't feel he is really connecting with her.

This is an important decision point.  Instead of pressing Andreas to connect with her feelings and needs, it will be helpful to ask what was happening for him when she made the comment about spending.  Andreas expresses that when she makes comments about not spending money he has thoughts that he's failing his family (shame jackal) and that even though he is working hard to contribute it doesn't matter to her.  Thinking this he feels despair and needs support and reassurance.  Understanding that talking about money can stimulate shame and despair for him, Andreas  asks Lily if she could come close to him and create a connection by touching him when she wants to express a money concern.  Creating  connection before entering a touchy issue can keep shame jackals at bay and allow you to enter a heart-centered dialogue.

A second common shame jackal comes up around intimacy.  Will dearly loves his wife Aletha of 17 years and longs for more closeness in their relationship.  He recently asked if she would consider retiring early so they could have more time together.  A lot of different feelings and needs come up for Aletha when she hears this request.  She expresses a feeling of terror needing security, independence, autonomy, and community. 

Will reflects this back accurately and still there is anger and a hard wall over Aletha's heart.  In exasperation and anger she says, "You smother me."  Hearing this Will asks for a few minutes of quiet as he watches his reactive thoughts come up and then internally names his feelings of hurt and disappointment and longing for connection.  Still feeling some reactivity, but wanting to try to connect, Will asks Aletha if she could share what feelings and needs are up for her when she uses the word smother.

Aletha begins to cry saying she feels shame.  She thinks she is different from everyone else.  She says she doesn't need as much closeness as other people seem to need in relationship.  She hears his need for closeness as a demand that she be someone she's not. 

This is a painful and common misunderstanding in intimate relationships.  It's important to understand that one is not born with more or less of a particular need than others.  However one's relationship to a particular need can vary greatly.  This is especially true for intimacy/closeness. 

I suggested to Will and Aletha that they take some time to get really clear about how this need is met for each of them.  I asked them each to pick three peak experiences in which the need for intimacy/closeness was met and exactly what contributed to that closeness for each of them.  In this way they get clear about how to create closeness in a way that works for both of them.

If you suspect a shame jackal is up for you or your partner, the first thing to remember is to keep your dialogue slow.  You do this by reflecting back the observation, feelings, and needs you hear expressed.  This means that you say only a few sentences before your partner says back what he or she is hearing. 

The second thing is to remember that there are vulnerable feelings and needs underneath angry and defensive jackals.  Instead of responding directly to jackal expressions ask to hear what's underneath.

Take a moment now to reflect on anywhere in your life you feel stuck.  Write down all the beliefs and thoughts you have had about this.  Connect with the feelings and needs underneath any disconnecting thoughts or beliefs.

Jared:I just want some appreciation, but it’s not like I need compliments.I mean I do it because I want to.

Jonna:I give you appreciation all the time.I don’t see why I have to appreciate you for what you are suppose to be doing anyway.You should just do it.

Ugh, I feel heavy just writing this dialogue.Sadly I hear some version of this quite often from couples.In this example both Jared and Jonna are confused about the true purpose of appreciation.

Jared knows he longs for appreciation and at the same time resists his longing because he thinks it’s about building up his self-esteem or helping assure his image.He knows he doesn’t want that.He also wants to be seen for his natural willingness to do his part in the relationship and doesn’t want Jonna to think he is doing something to gain her approval or get some external reward.

Jonna is likely confused about the difference between appreciation and praise.She thinks that if she tells Jared how great he is at something she has expressed appreciation.Unfortunately this is the very thing that Jared doesn’t want.Jonna also wants Jared to do his part because it is in his heart to do so and is afraid that his request for appreciation is an indication that he is not acting from his authentic desire to contribute.

The true purpose of appreciation is to provide information about what meaningfully contributes to life.

When Jared asks for appreciation he is really saying, “It’s so important to me to contribute in a meaningful way.I want to know how what I do affects you.Am I effectively meeting needs for you and our family?”

Hearing this Jonna understands that expressing appreciation isn’t about telling Jared who he is or isn’t or trying to build him up.She gets that it’s about expressing her experience of his behavior.So, for example, the next time Jared does something to contribute, however mundane, Jonna can express her experience of that, “Seeing such a clean kitchen I feel relaxed and have a sense of peace.Thanks hun.”

Hearing this from Jonna in the moment Jared feels satisfaction knowing that he has contributed meaningfully and also gets clarity about which behaviors of his meet which needs in her.

As Jonna and Jared share appreciations daily around the special and the mundane, their natural desire to contribute is enhanced and their clarity about how to truly support each other and their family deepens.Over time they experience an incredible sense of ease as they move together in harmony.

Take a moment to reflect on appreciation in your own relationship.Ask yourself if you are caught in any of the confusions I listed above.Challenge yourself to express one appreciation to your partner every day for a week.Remember appreciation isn’t praise or a simple thank you.It’s an expression of how a specific action meets needs for you and gives rise to specific positive feelings. ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/540 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/540 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/540#comments Thu, 27 May 2010 19:59:55 -0700 Workshop participants have often said to me, "You must be exhausted giving all that empathy."  The truth is that offering empathy itself is not particularly exhausting.  It's what gets attached to it that can be exhausting.

In Compassionate Communication empathy is defined as guessing another's feelings and needs.  It sounds simple enough and it is.  That doesn't mean it's easy. 

To offer empathy you learn the vocabulary of feelings and needs and build a fundamental awareness, acceptance, and comfort with them in yourself and others.  This process requires recognizing and working through all the stuff that gets mixed in there.  Let's look at three things that can wear you out when you are trying to offer empathy.

1)  Resistence:  When you resist, that is, judge or withdraw from another's experience while attempting empathy you will feel the heaviness of this internal conflict.  You might have a thought that this person shouldn't have these feelings and needs.  You might notice yourself saying or thinking things like:

-If she wouldn't have done that in the first place she wouldn't have this problem.

-The other person is hurting just as much as he is.

-He's getting what he deserves.

-She keeps herself stuck!

It's especially difficult to be there for someone when you think you see how they could have avoided the situation or you see how they are repeating the same mistakes.  When you find yourself caught here, it's helpful to give yourself empathy before offering it to the other person.

After empathy you may have something you would like to share.  Whatever wise counsel you may eventually offer this person, it will have a much higher chance of being heard if you begin with a neutral acknowledgement of what is true in the moment and a willingness to honor the feelings and needs present.

2)  Obligation:  It might seem like there is a program hard wired in you that says something like, "If I see someone's need, I have to do something."  This habitual belief can wear on you in two ways. 

One, it can have you avoid offering empathy or even avoid being aware of other's feelings and needs because you don't know how to stay in compassion without taking on the problem.  Over time this narrows your awareness and hardens your heart.  You lose access to deep joy, insight, and transformation.

Two, you spend a lot of time analyzing, giving advice, and carrying an extra backpack full of the suffering of the world and how you are going to alleviate it.  My shoulders are still tense from carrying that extra backpack for so long.

One thing that can be helpful to remember with this one is that the best gift you can give another is to stay connected with his or her ability to awaken, transform, and access the wisdom and joy that is always present.  If this seems a bit abstract, you can bring to mind examples in which you saw this person light up with joy or act with wisdom (no matter how small those examples may seem, they are a window into what's possible).

3)  What about your needs?!  When you have a tentative relationship with your own needs, it's hard to have space for the needs of others.  When you are giving someone empathy another part of you is screaming in the background, "I have needs too I can't do this forever.  I need ..."  Having this internal conflict makes giving empathy exhausting.

You establish a relationship of self-trust with regard to your needs through the on-going practices of self-empathy, setting clear & consistent boundaries, and maintaining support systems that contribute to care for your body, heart, mind, and spirit.

Take a moment now to reflect on the last time you offered empathy to another.  If it was a tiring ordeal notice if any of the three challenges listed above were up for you.   If yes, what needs are present for you and what request would you like to make of yourself or another to meet those needs?

When you find yourself in this kind of difficulty around a request, you can assume there is a lack of connection somewhere in the conversation.  Here are three questions you can ask to clarify where disconnect is happening:

1)  Does your partner hear a specific and do-able action in your request?

2)  Does your partner hear a demand rather than a request?

3)  What needs is your partner meeting when s/he is not fulfilling your request?

Let's use this example for all three questions. Imagine that to meet a need for connection and being heard, you have asked that when you are talking about something vulnerable your partner give you his or her full attention and not, say, play with the cat or interject to say something about a different topic.  This request is open to interpretation on at least two counts - what qualifies as vulnerable and what full attention is.

1)  For the first one you can ask your partner how s/he would describe a scene in which s/he was fulfilling your request.  It's important that this be something a camera could record.

When you ask your partner to describe fulfilling this request, s/he might say, "When you talk about a conflict with your mom you want me to sit silently looking at you until you're done." Hearing this you may be able to get more clear on what you are really asking for.  You might say something like this:  "When I say vulnerable I am really referring to anything about affection or sex.  For me my need for being heard around that is met when you are saying ‘yea or uh-huh' and reflecting back what you are hearing me say.  Could you tell me what you are hearing me request now?"

2) To find out if your partner hears a demand rather than a request you can ask, "Is any part of you hearing a demand?  If so, what part of my request is sounding like a demand to you?"

In response, your partner may say something like this, "I hear that I always have to be ready to listen to you in just the way you want.  There's no space for me not be up for it." You might first respond with empathy, "Yea, I am hearing you want consideration about needs that might be up for you and the choice to listen or not.  Did I get it?" After more dialogue, you might come to an agreement in which you agree to ask your partner if s/he is up for giving his or her full attention before you share something vulnerable.  Your partner might ask for some reassurance that it is really okay to say no.

3)  To understand what needs your partner is meeting when s/he is not fulfilling your request?, you might ask something like this:  "I'm feeling confused and wanting to understand what is happening for you when I ask for your full attention, you say yes, and then just now you stopped to say something about our neighbor's dog.  Would you be willing to reflect on what's going on for you there, what need you are meeting?"

A possible response might sound something like this, "I notice it's hard for me to take in everything you say at once.  I get overwhelmed.  Directing my attention away for a moment gives me a chance to process what you're saying and have space for more." This hopefully continues in a negotiation about how both needs can be met.

Take a moment now to reflect on a situation in which you or your partner have made a request several times and experienced a disconnect.  Set up at time to check in with your partner with one or more of the questions above. ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/537 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/537 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/537#comments Wed, 05 May 2010 13:56:02 -0700 Breaking the spell of the of someone talking at you and finding your aliveness is not always easy.

One gem reader, I will call her Carol, gave an example of her own struggle with her father-in-law:

"He launches into a 30 minute monologue about his back pain, and doesn't take any social cues that I'm not listening anymore, or that I'm hurt that he interrupted me, or that I'm disappointed that he doesn't show any interest in me, only in himself. I just don't have the courage to bust out at the dinner table with saying something like "you know Jon, I noticed that you interrupted me and then talked continuously for 30 min without noticing my boredom. I feel hurt and disconnected and would like to have a conversation that is shared equally, and would like for you to show some genuine interest. Would you be willing to listen to me too? "

The first thing for Carol to consider is how she wants to direct her life energy.  If she rarely sees her father-in-law, maybe she will choose to avoid him.  If however, he is regularly in her life she may need another strategy to maintain her own aliveness in the face of his behavior.

The first order of business in maintaining aliveness in difficult situations is identifying what blocks aliveness - namely jackals. Carol's jackals might be saying something like, "He's so selfish.  He just wants everything to be about him."  "He's so oblivious to other's needs."

All your jackals point to your own feelings and needs. It's important not to believe them in a literal sense.  Carol's jackals point to her feelings of hurt and disconnect and her needs for mutuality and consideration in her relationship with her father-in-law.

After connecting with your feelings and needs, the next step is grieving that your needs are not met.  This helps you move into acceptance around what is true.  It is difficult to change in a positive direction, if you are not willing to acknowledge and fully experience the reality of a situation.  I am guessing this is a hard one for Carol.  She maybe sees that Jon is competent in other areas and can't believe that he doesn't know how disconnecting his monologues are.  She may also long for a grandfather she can trust for her child and doesn't want to accept this possible loss. Probably the most difficult part of moving into acceptance is knowing that people are really doing the best they can. Everyone wants to feel connected and alive.

Unfortunately people have some very ineffective strategies.  Monologues is one.  When faced with behaviors that don't really meet needs, it's helpful to ask what needs could that person be trying to meet and how could they have arrived at such a behavior?  The possible answers to these questions aren't nearly as important as asking them.  Just asking them helps you remember that you are not dealing with an "egomaniac" or whatever else your jackals propose.  You are dealing with a person who is doing the best they can and not having much success.

To promote curiosity rather than judgment we could make some guesses about Jon's world.  Maybe he grew up in a family where he had to be the biggest and loudest to get his needs met.  Maybe the ways he learned to communicate in his family are so ineffective that he chronically alienates others and thus his needs for being seen and heard are usually unmet.  The point here is not to analyze Jon, but rather to recognize that there is more to him than the monologue behavior.

Where does all this leave Carol?

Going through this process several options may occur to her:

-She could take care of her needs up front by asking for his assurance that he really wants to listen.  For example if Jon asks her how school is going, she could say something like:  "Okay I would like to tell you three things about school, would you really like to hear them?  Okay, let me say all three though. One is . . . "

-She could frame Jon's talking as an opportunity to practice empathy by interrupting him frequently:  "Jon, Jon, hang on I want to see if I am hearing you so far. It sounds like . . . "

-She could silently empathize with herself and/or Jon as he talks.

-She could approach Jon when he is not in a monologue and they have a moment of privacy and try honest expression.  Perhaps something like, "Hey Jon I notice when we talk that I am wanting to share more with you so we can grow closer (needs for expression & intimacy).  When I am sharing something could you ask me more questions about it?"

This week if you find yourself being talked at, try one of the suggestions above to get back to your aliveness. ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/536 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/536 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/536#comments Thu, 29 Apr 2010 11:31:42 -0700 I am guessing that if you are taking the time to read this you're someone who is dedicated to creating healthy relationships.  Unfortunately sometimes good intentions can slide into stagnant "have to's".

A gem reader, let's call her Janna, wrote about trying to stay strong willed and positive at work.  She expressed feeling drained by taking responsibility for conversations and then feeling lonely longing for camaraderie.  I have a guess that in Janna's intent to create healthy relationships she slid into the stagnant pool of "must stay positive".

I have slid into this pool many times myself.  I can sometimes get caught in thinking I have to be a model of something positive rather than a human being.  I end up losing an authentic connection to feelings and needs and also begin to believe that others can't be there for my difficulties.  The more I imagine others can't be there for me, the less they tend to inquire about my feelings and needs, and so it spirals downward.

When it seems like you are doing all the work to stay positive, I encourage you to let some grumpiness show. Let those around you see your struggle and your needs.  It's hard for others to contribute to you when you are busy being "positive". Heck, raise your voice if that's where your energy is.  You can raise your voice without being violent if you are expressing your feelings and needs. Strong relationships aren't built on staying positive and being nice.  They are built on authenticity and caring.  That caring starts with attending to your needs as much as you attend to the needs of others.

This week do an experiment.  Pick a relationship and situation in which you will choose to express a yucky feeling, unmet need, and request.  Choose a person you had previously written off as someone who doesn't hear you.  Remember your request can be something simple like, "Am I making sense, can you tell me what you are getting from what I said?" ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/535 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/535 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/535#comments Thu, 22 Apr 2010 13:50:06 -0700  A gem reader recently wrote: "In the experience I had, a woman said that she felt I was suggesting NVC "as a way to avoid confrontation", adding that she feels she "has the courage to deal with things directly". 

 Our gem reader asked,  "How do you handle statements that position NVC as an avoidance of conflict?"

 The first thing I do any time someone offers an argument against what I am suggesting is listen with empathy. In the woman's comment I hear an expression of nervousness and possibly anger.  I am guessing she values honesty and authenticity.  In addition, when she heard our gem reader suggest NVC, she may have interpreted that she was being judged as incompetent in communication.  If this is true, she may have felt angry and defensive wanting acceptance and appreciation for what she has to offer.

As I was teaching a NVC workshop last weekend, I was surprised at the number of times students wanted recognition for the skillful ways they were already creating connection and resolving conflict in their lives.  I was happy to reassure them that in offering NVC I was not intending to discount the skills and understanding they already possessed.  In a workshop setting this was pretty easy to do.  In personal situations it can be more difficult.

In the example our gem reader offered I am reminded of an important NVC mantra - empathy before education.  The woman's response let's us know that more trust and connection is needed in the relationship before she can take the risk of trying something new.

Another difficulty arises when you identify your way of talking as you, hearing someone suggest that you talk differently can be perceived as a rejection of who you are.  This is why it's especially important that when offering NVC to others you first establish a connection in which the other trusts that you see and value them as a person.

This week notice even a small instance where someone argues with something you suggest.  Experiment with offering empathy (reflecting back the feelings and/or needs you guess you're hearing or expressing). 

If you are not confident about guessing feelings and needs you can simply set aside your suggestion and ask more about the other's perspective.  For example, as I am in the process of trying to find homes for two cats I rescued (please let me know if you'd like a sweet affectionate cat), my partner and I have polarized a little around different needs.  When I am stressed about my own needs and still want to connect to his heart, I often ask him if he can help me understand what's in his heart about a given situation.  Other versions of this question are:  what's important to you in this, what do you want to care for here, what are some feelings that are up for you.   Questions like these do a lot to keep us from polarizing more and escalating into an argument.  Let me know how your practice of this goes.

Collusion, aligning with someone against a "bad" other, is a costly strategy for showing support.  When you notice you are tempted to collude, it's a good time to fall back on the basics of Nonviolent Communication.

Basic #1: You don't have to answer questions literally.  In fact, answering a jackal* question just makes things worse.  If you feel yourself squirming when someone asks you a question, there's a good chance you are being pulled into jackal land.  Give yourself permission to take a breath and respond from your heart.

Basic #2:  When people are expressing emotional pain they almost always want connection first.

Basic # 2: When you want to create connection you have two choices; honest expression or empathy.

If you choose honest expression, you leave out your opinions and labels.  Instead you express your own feelings, needs, and request.  Using the example above, it might sound something like this:  "When I think about what happened, I feel frustrated and scared, because I care so much about you and want you to have your needs for consideration and respect met.  Is there anything I can do to help?"

If you choose empathy, you take a guess at your sister's feelings and needs:  "Sounds like that didn't meet your need for consideration?"

Just the other night someone asked me a collusion question, "Don't you think he's a difficult person?".  I was surprised and at first avoided the trap by saying "I don't know." This bought me a few minutes to connect with this person's heart.  I then made some empathy guesses.  I'm not sure how much empathy she took in, but I do know I was happy to be able stay in my heart and my integrity.

This week see if can spot collusion in your own or other's conversation.  Notice how your heart feels.

*Jackal is a term referring to any disconnecting thinking and language. ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/530 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/530 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/530#comments Thu, 01 Apr 2010 13:22:20 -0700  "Now say you're sorry!" the teacher demands.

"Sorry!" the student says in a huff and walks away.

I'm guessing you have had an experience like this at one time or another. Apologies are often associated with shaming and no real connection or healing.

Still, you like to hear people say they are sorry. Why? My guess is you want to know that the other person cares about you and therefore cares about whether your needs were met or not by their action.

An apology in the framework of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is much more than the words "I'm sorry."  It requires empathy, connecting with the experience of the other, and honest expression - connecting with and expressing your own experience.   In each, you provide clarity about the four connecting points we talk about in NVC called:  Observation, Feeling, Need, & Request.

Here's an example from a recent experience I had. In this example, I've included my internal experieince as well as external events.

Friend: I'm feeling frustrated and angry hearing you didn't do the shopping for the trip.

Me: (internal jackal show: Oh man, here we go. He's going to make a big deal of this.)

Me: (getting defensive and trying to mollify the situation) It's no big deal. I can go tonight. I will have plenty of time. It won't take long.

Friend: I'm still frustrated.

Me: (Self-empathy: Internally I notice the tension in me rise and feel the defensiveness. I acknowledge my needs for harmony and ease are not being met. I see that his needs weren't met by my decision and he needs empathy. This is the first step in moving toward a connecting apology)

Me: (Empathy) You're feeling frustrated because you need trust?

Friend: Yes, this isn't the first time you haven't done what you said you were going to do when we were planning a trip.

Me: (Internal jackal show: He's judging me! Grrrr! He should trust me! He doesn't appreciate the work I do in this organization. I notice the jackal show and the anger arising from it.)

Me: (Internal Self-empathy: okay I'm reacting. It's painful because acceptance and respect are so important to me in this relationship. I want connection here. I know I am committed to our work together.  After connecting with myself I have space to offer him empathy.)

Me: (Empathy) I'm guessing that predictability in the work we do in this organization is really important to you?

Friend: Yes. I feel angry and resentful. I notice I am having this thought that you're flaky.

Me: (Internal Self-empathy: I notice the word flaky triggers me. I feel hurt rise up through my chest. I feel anger and want to lash out. I know I can't give empathy from this state.)

Me: (Honest expression): I feel hurt hearing the word flaky. That's really triggering for me because I'm needing understanding. Could you say your feelings and needs instead of judgments?

Friend: No. I need to express what's going on for me.

Me: (Internal Self-empathy: I take about 10 minutes in silence. I connect with my feelings of disappointment and hurt and my needs for understanding and acceptance. I see that we could veer onto another thread of discussion if I follow up on my request. I realize that it's important to go back to the original event rather than get caught in an argument about expressing judgments or not expressing them.)

Me: (Internal Self-empathy: I take time to get clear on what happened in my decision not to do the shopping that afternoon, and what feelings and needs were up for me then and are up for me now regarding that decision.)

Me: (Honest expression): When I think about my decisions today. I observe that I made a conscious choice to spend more time with my sister and not do the shopping. When I think about her being absent from my life for seven years, I feel grateful to have time with her. It's so important to me to care for her and nourish the connection we have. When I think about your need for trust not being met along with my own need for integrity around doing what I say I am going to do, I feel regret and disappointment.

 Me: (Request to myself out loud) I am committed to attending to needs for integrity, trust, and mutuality around our work projects together by double checking my schedule before I tell you when I will do something and by checking in with you if I want to make a change.

Me: (Connecting request) What comes up for you hearing that?

This dialogue took a few more exchanges of empathy and honest expression to reach connection and clarity.

Regardless of the twists and turns of an interaction it is important to stay focused on the initial trigger event and stay with these essential elements:

Essential Elements of a Giraffe Apology

Observation - Identify the action that failed to meet needs in clear and neutral terms.

Self-Empathy - If you're reacting with anger, guilt, or defensiveness, around noticing that your actions did'nt meet the needs of someone else, it's important to ask for a pause so that you can go inside and watch your jackal show and honor your own feelings and needs before attempting honest expression or empathy.

Empathy - hear the feelings and needs of the other person. Clarify exactly what they are reacting to, that is what action didn't meet their needs (observation).

Honest Expression - state in observational terms what you did, express your feelings and needs that were not met for you by your action.                                                                                                              

Request - state what you are committed to doing differently in a similar future situation so that needs for both you are met.

Take a moment now to reflect on the last time you apologized to someone.  How would this have sounded following the guidelines above?

These alarms feelings aren't "bad".  It's important to  identify them and feel them. It's equally important not to take action or make decisions based on them because their very nature is reactive.  That means if you take action from one of these feelings your view will be narrow and likely distorted.  You will end up creating more suffering.  This can be avoided by getting to know these alarms better.  You can start by asking what thoughts, feelings, and needs are behind each of the alarm feelings?

Anger Behind anger the most basic thought is that things should be different than they are or someone should act different than they are. The word ‘should' can lead you quickly to a disconnected state. In the context of recovering from a relationship in which you experienced trauma or lack of consideration for your needs, anger can also indicate progress. Anger can be an important indicator that you are beginning to honor yourself and recognize that your needs were not met. You are saying, "This should not have happened to me!"  Unfortunately many get stuck here in the healing process and don't take the next step which is to mourn what happened.

Guilt & Shame The voice of guilt says some version of "I shouldn't have done that, it was bad." The voice of shame says a more painful version:  "I shouldn't have done that, I am bad." Taking action out of guilt and shame can land you in the violent concept of repentance in which someone else decides how bad you are and doles out a punishment. Guilt and shame are only useful when they lead you to connect with unmet needs in someone else or yourself rather than judgments about good and bad.

Depression The voice of depression denies your existence in some way.  Specific phrases might include:  "I shouldn't feel sad (or substitute any other emotion)", "I shouldn't have those needs"  "I shouldn't take up space or ask for what I want."

So how can you handle these emotions in a way that leads to connection and honor of all involved?

Acceptance, Clarity and Mourning

First, there is to accept the way things are. I don't mean submit or accept in a hopeless way, but rather acknowledge what is or what was without resistance.  You are having these painful feelings related to something you or someone else did. Let yourself feel that.  Resistance can take many forms - tensing the body, telling stories to excuse or justify what happened, or engaging the voices of anger, guilt, shame or depression as described above. The simplicity of acknowledging what is without resisting it is a powerful practice.

Second, there is to recognize that anger, guilt, shame, & depression don't arise because of another's words or behavior.  They can only arise if you are having the thoughts and/or beliefs mentioned above.  Listen for those thoughts in your consciousness.  What are the exact words?  Writing them down can help.  Once they are outside your head, they lose a little power and it is easier for you to suspend your belief in them.

Third, there is to feel the feelings below anger, guilt, shame, & depression. Sadness or regret for needs unmet is usually underneath. Feeling sadness or regret requires a level of vulnerability and responsibility that isn't present with anger, guilt, shame, & depression. From this place of connection to more vulnerable feelings you can move to the needs unmet in yourself and others. Responsible action comes from connecting to these needs and acting to meet them.

Take a moment now to reflect on the last time you experienced one of the four alarms.  With a journal, friend, or counselor, follow these steps when you notice an alarm feeling:

1)  Name what happened in neutral observational terms.

2)  Identify what you are telling yourself about what happened.

3)  Connect with the feelings and needs underneath the alarm feeling.

4)  Let yourself mourn the needs that went or are still unmet.

5)  Decide what action you would like to take to begin to meet your needs.

Good news! You can scream in giraffe*.  It's okay to feel angry, exasperated, frustrated, irritated, etc.  Unfortunately when we feel those things we often make them about others have being bad rather than expressing what we feel and need and what you would like to be different.

When you get home from a long day at work and open the door to a living room strewn with papers, food, and cloths, you might be tempted to scream at your teenage children,

"Didn't I tell you guys to clean up when you got home! Why can't you do what I tell you?!"

While this may or may not set them in motion, it certainly doesn't do much for your relationship. In giraffe, it might sound like this:

"Arrg! I feel so angry and frustrated when I see this living room.  I need a break.  I am taking ten minutes alone before I can talk with you."

From a giraffe consciousness, you recognize that engaging in a dialogue from anger rarely yields effective results. If it does get results, you will pay for those results later. Resentment, disrespect, and a loss of connection are the long term results of interacting while you're angry. Express that you're angry and then take responsibility for it by walking away and coming back when you are connected with the feelings and needs underneath the anger.

If the parent in the example above came back later and started a giraffe dialogue, it might start like this,

"Hey guys, I am calmer now, would you be willing to sit down with me and talk for ten or fifteen minutes. I am really wanting us to get along around this cleaning issue."

(teenagers agree to ten minutes).

"When I see the state of the living room, I feel tired and frustrated because I am wanting to feel comfortable at home and a clean orderly house really helps. I want to be sure I am being clear. Could you tell me what you understood me to say?"

This is just the beginning of a dialogue. The emphasis here is on dialogue. That is, you're expressing your feelings and needs and in a space to hear theirs.

Take a moment to think about the last time you felt angry. How could you have expressed that anger in giraffe?  What feelings and needs were underneath your anger?

*giraffe is a metaphor used in Nonviolent Communication to refer to any thoughts, words, or behavior that heart connecting.

• "You make such a big deal of everything. I was just joking."
• "You're being oversensitive."
• "I was just saying that. I didn't mean anything by it."
• "You try to make everything deep."
• "Lighten up, it's not a big deal."
• "No, I don't have any feelings about it."
• "You're just trying to manipulate me."
• "Yea, but . . . (they continue on with a repeating story without acknowledging your attempt to connect)"

There are a variety of needs people are trying to protect when they say these things. I might guess: ease, harmony, safety, acceptance, understanding, clarity, as a start.

How can you create connection in the face of these responses?

1. Go with the speaker and then go to your feelings and needs

"You make such a big deal of everything. I was just joking."
"Yea, I can see how it seems to you that I am making a big deal when I say that. What I really want is just to understand you better."

"You're being oversensitive."
"Yes, it's true I am sensitive. I want to be sensitive so we can understand each other and get along better."

"You're just trying to manipulate me."
"Yea, the way I am talking is a little unusual so I can see how you might have thought that. I am really just trying to hear you clearly."

Notice that in these possible responses, you are not agreeing with the speaker's perception.  You are simply acknowledging their reality and then sharing your own.

2. Interrupt with a connecting request

"Yea, but . . . "  In this situation the speaker continues their story without acknowledging your attempt to connect by guessing feelings and needs.  You might interrupt like this:

"Hang on, I am feeling lost and really want to understand you. Would you be willing to tell me if the guess I just offered about what you're experiencing is close or not?"

3. More empathy

"You try to make everything deep."
"Sounds like you just want to have some ease and not get into this too much."

Of course neither empathy nor honest expression of your own feelings and needs will lead to connection if the other doesn't want to connect.  In this case, you may need to give yourself some time to feel the sadness and disappointment of not having a connection with this person.

This week notice when your attempts at connection don't connect.  Take a moment to reflect on the use of any of these strategies.  Do you want to try again or do you need time to experience your own feelings and needs around the lack of connection with this person.

In the consciousness of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) compromise is unnecessary suffering.  Instead, NVC rests on the premise that all needs can be met. This is based on the experience of connection in which a natural giving arises from the heart.

How does this natural giving from the heart look?

The last time my mom visited, my sister, and I went out to lunch with her. As we walked around downtown after lunch my sister smoked a cigarette. My mom told her to put it out several times saying she didn't like it. My sister refused.

I am guessing my sister had needs for relaxation and autonomy.

Last week my mom called and expressed how she was affected by seeing someone she loves smoke. She said that having watched her father and sister die from emphysema, she feels fear and tremendous grief and has needs for consideration around the pain smoking stimulates for her.

Hearing and connecting my mom's feelings and needs, my sister's needs for relaxation and autonomy shifted and the need to contribute to my mom became more important and she agreed not to smoke around my mom anymore, not out of guilt or duty but out of a genuine desire to contribute to the well being of my mom.

This week notice when you or someone you are with is tempted to compromise. Name the feelings and needs on both sides.  When you have really connected with each other's feelings and needs, you will feel a shift in the quality of your connection and an action that truly works for both of you will be obvious. ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/522 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/522 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/522#comments Thu, 21 Jan 2010 01:36:19 -0800 "Don't do anything that isn't play." This is a standard line of Marshall Rosenberg's (the founder of Nonviolent Communication). It's one of my mantras. For me it means - connect with what's alive in every moment. Sometimes this isn't so easy.

I was recently in a phone conversation with my brother in which he talked for 30 or 40 minutes about sports. I felt myself tighten up as the time wore on. I heard myself saying, "Doesn't he want to know anything about my life?" "Doesn't he know that I don't want to hear about how his favorite sports team is doing?"

How can I connect in such a circumstance? I don't want to get in a fight by telling him I am bored and frustrated by our conversation.

First, I do self-empathy. In my own head I have this little dialogue: "I'm feeling frustrated because I want ease and mutuality in our conversations. I also love my brother and want connection and harmony in our relationship."

Second, I guess his needs. He wants connection too, to be seen and heard, and maybe celebration. That's my guess.

Third, I interrupt to connect with both our needs in mind: "Hey bro, I know following sports is exciting for you, I like hearing your excitement and, at the same time, following sports is not a part of my life so I feel myself starting to drift. I am really wanting to connect with you and feel close. Could we talk about something we are both into?"

Brother: "Yea, like what."

"Well, spiritual practice is really important to us both. I would like to hear what's going on for you there and share with you what's happening for me."

We are all taught that interrupting is rude so it can be hard to do. It's helpful to remember that usually what people want most is to connect and be heard and seen fully and a lot of times they are stumbling through words and feeling a bit disconnected themselves. Interrupting then, is a way of saying "I care enough to work for this connection."

This week, the next time you find yourself in a conversation where you're feeling disconnected - STOP - Connect with your own feelings and needs, connect with the other's feelings and needs, and interrupt to address feelings and needs of both of you and make a request. ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/521 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/521 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/521#comments Fri, 15 Jan 2010 01:59:50 -0800 There are a lot of relationships you can walk away from in life, but the relationship with your mom is always there. Sometimes it's a sanctuary of support and sometimes it's a tangled knot of stress. How can you create more support and connection with mom?

My mom and I use to have a relationship that was more a tangled knot than anything else. We talked about once a month for fifteen minutes before ending the conversation in frustration. When I learned Nonviolent Communication (NVC) I decided this was the place to really put it into practice. I realized that empathy for mom was the only place to start.  I decided that I wouldn't get on the phone with my mom unless I had the patience to hear the feelings and needs behind all she said.  Phone call after phone call I just gave empathy, often to the very same statements or questions:

Mom: "You are supposed to take care of your little sister. Did you go check on her yet?"

Me: "You're really worried about her"

Mom: "Yes, are you going to go check on her?"

Me: "It's frustrating not have communication with her and not knowing how she's doing. It hurts when she doesn't call."

Mom: "Yes, why doesn't she call me?!"

(I did let her know when I would get a chance to check on my sister, but not until I had really heard her feelings and needs.)

And then there were the "shoulds":

Mom: "Why don't you go back to working as a school psychologist? You're wasting your education."

Me: "Sounds like you're worried about me and want to know that I have the money I need to support myself."

Mom: "I don't know why you are doing what you're doing, you should get your old job back."

Me: "It's confusing for you, hard to understand why I wouldn't want that stable income."

The conversation went on like that for a half hour or more - for six months. And then something loosened and there was a space in her for me that hadn't been there before. I remember clearly the first time she asked with genuine interest and openness: "Are you happy with your life?"

"Yea, mom, I am." "Okay," she said. Through my acceptance of her she found trust and acceptance for me.

After this shift I was able to use honest expression to let her know what was and wasn't connecting for me in our conversations and she could hear and honor my requests.

My mom and I talk every week now and we really enjoy each other.

Take a moment now to reflect on the relationships in your life in which you are devoted to creating more connection.  Is there someone for whom you would be willing to meet with empathy every time you interact?  Would you be willing to stay committed to empathy in the midst of criticism or challenges?  If yes, remember to interact with this person only when you really have the physical and emotional resources to respond with empathy.

click here for a list of feelings and universal needs and an empathy guide.  http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/520 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/520 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/520#comments Fri, 01 Jan 2010 15:40:15 -0800 Ever said something you thought was innocuous like "I thought you were coming to dinner?" and see the other person react as though you had just fired a missile of criticism? After the initial shock you find yourself sucked into a vortex of arguing.

According to William Simmons Smith in his book "Interpersonal Relationships", when you say something the receiver only hears 8% content of your words. Facial expression, body language, tone of voice, and what's going on for the receiver fills in the rest.  This leaves ample space for the listener to make meaning out your words that you weren't actually expressing.

The jackal* delivery system is up and running when you say something you think it is innocuous and the other person hears a criticism.  So how can you keep the jackal delivery system from ruining a perfectly good conversation?

- Connecting requests, connecting requests, connecting requests

What's a connecting request? It means you check if the message you sent was the message the other received. Basically you ask, "Can you tell me what you heard me say?" Here are some other ways to ask:

• "I'm wondering what you're getting from what I said?"
• "I'm not sure I was clear could you feed that back to me?"
• "Would you be willing to say what you understood about what I just said?"
• "What were you hearing there?"
• "What landed for you about what I said?"

Connecting requests are especially important when emotions are stirring and the relationship is an established one. The more someone knows you, the more they think they already know what you mean. Their own ideas about you and your relationship with them get in the way of really hearing you.

Try out a connecting request at least three times this week. Experiment with different relationships and different situations. You might be surprised at how often message sent is not a message received. You might also be surprised at how helpful and satisfying it can be to know that you have been heard.

*Jackal refers to any speech or behavior that disconnects

from feelings and needs.

I often find that if I ask someone one of these questions, she or he can usually name the historical event or relationship of which the current situation reminds them.  However, I find that folks get lost here.  They go down the path of self-analysis or story telling. Being able to name or analyze an old hurt doesn't do much to create healing or connection.  After naming that your past is showing in the present, there are two important steps to take.

First, you want to address the old hurt with empathy and information. Connect with your feelings and needs up around the old stuff.  Then let that part of you know that you are not in the old situation anymore. You can talk to the old hurt like it is another you.

Here's an example.  Recently I was playing basketball with my partner and father-in-law.  I perceived that I wasn't getting the ball equally.  If this perception hadn't stimulated past pain, I may have been able to speak up and ask for a change in how we were playing.  Instead, the pain I had growing up around being the new kid and outsider at school came up.  I lovingly call this my "belonging stuff".  The sense of rejection that came over me was so overwhelming I walked off the court and had to take some time to myself.  After a few minutes of doing something physical on my own, the reaction calmed and I was able to see it for what it was.

In offering empathy to myself I said, "Sure, you're hurting because this is a tender spot and it's still healing. Of course you want to be included.  It was painful moving so much and being the new kid.  I am real clear that these two guys love you and want to include you."

Most important here is your ability to lovingly accept all parts of you that are still healing and sometimes get reactive.  This acceptance combined with a present moment connection to how the need is met and not actually threatened in the present moment creates healing.

Second, you want to address the actual needs in the present situation. Once you have honored the past, you want to remember to honor the present.  You likely have feelings, needs, and a request relevant to the situation at hand.

As I sat with my father-in-law and partner on the park bench, I let them know that my belonging stuff had come up and they were happy to offer empathy and acceptance.  Then we talked about how we could play so that three of us were equally involved.  A sense of equal participation and fun was the actual need of that present situation.  Together we were able to come up with an idea and successfully played together the next day.

Just because you recognize a situation triggered a past pain, it doesn't mean you have to buck up and get over it.  Give yourself empathy for the past hurt and then look at the needs of the present situation and make a request so that your needs can be met.

Take time now to reflect on a situation in which you were recently triggered.  Ask yourself if the situation reminded you anything you experienced before.  Name the old hurt and the feelings and needs associated with it.  Then name any other feelings and needs that were just based on the situation as it was.  Come up with a request you might have made in the moment or perhaps still can make. ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/517 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/517 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/517#comments Fri, 11 Dec 2009 12:16:35 -0800 When you hear yourself say, "I just want an apology!" you have stepped into the field of right and wrong where two hearts shall never meet.  Usually the thought behind wanting an apology is "She was wrong!"  You are hoping that if the one who hurt you admits s/he was wrong and you were right, that yours needs will be met. Those needs might include empathy, respect, safety, mutual responsibility, and consideration.

Of course, if you harangue someone for an apology and finally get it, it's unlikely that the other has any real connection to your needs.  S/he is just standing there with you in the field of right and wrong in the little spot marked wrong.

So what can you do when you hear yourself say, "I just want an apology!"  First, take a breath and turn towards whatever hurt feeling is there.  Let yourself feel the heartache.  This might take a little time because you will need to come down from the anger first.  Coming down from anger might involve some deep slow breaths and disconnecting from your jackal show by naming your judgment thoughts as they come up rather than believing them.

Second identify for yourself what needs weren't met for you by the other's behavior.  It's easy to stay in right and wrong thinking here if you say something like "She didn't meet my need for respect!"  There is a "should" behind this thought, "She should respect me!"  If you are still feeling angry you are likely still locating in these thoughts.  Connecting with needs in this situation means feeling the sadness of them not being met and accepting that as well as feeling the sacredness of those needs.

Third, if you can find some space in you for it, it can be very helpful to ask him or her what feelings and needs were alive for them when they said or did that which was hard for you.  This isn't so much to provide direct empathy for them as it is about you remembering that this is a person with a heart just like you, trying to meet their needs and not always acting in a way that works.  Also, if you can do this first you might save yourself a lot of time and trouble because there is a chance that you misperceived their comment or action and are thus reacting to something that didn't exist in the way you thought.

If you don't have space to check in with them, instead of asking for an apology you can ask if they would be willing to hear how that was for you.  Then express your feeling and need (try just one feeling and need at a time) and ask them to say back what they heard.  Most people can respond to this much easier then being asked to apologize.  Though you may both feel disconnected as you do this step it is an important doorway into beginning a connected dialogue.

However you start, the basic elements to reconnect around a difficult situation are the same:

§       Express your observation of what happened and the feelings and needs it brought up for you.  Ask the other person to reflect this back.  Repeat this step until your need for being heard is met.

§       Listen to and reflect back the feelings and needs of the other when they behaved in the way they did until they are heard.

§       Request - brainstorm, identify, and commit to new actions either or both of you can take in a future similar situation so that all needs are met.

Take a moment now to reflect on something someone did or said that didn't meet a need for you.  Let yourself feel the hurt of this and accept the reality of what happened, take a little time to mourn the needs not met and the situation as it happened.  Connect with your longing for how you would like your needs to be met.  You could even imagine the event over again only this time creating your ideal of what would happen.  Then let yourself reflect on what needs the other person might have been trying to meet with their behavior.  What feelings might have been up for him or her?  At the end of this process, notice if you have a do-able request for yourself or the other person.

I have written numerous articles around how to create connection in the midst of arguments.  For this article I want to focus on what it looks and feels like when you have succeeded in creating that connection.

Here are some things you will notice when you and another have created connection around a stuck or difficult issue:

§       You sit back, your body relaxes, and you breathe more fully.

§       Warmth comes into your heart.

§       You feel hopeful about getting your needs met.

§       A willingness to hear the other more fully comes up.

§       A natural giving or spaciousness arises in which you find it easy to let go of "your way" and/or easy to entertain some new way that could meet all needs.

§       Creativity about how needs could be met flows easily.

Connection makes all this possible mostly because you no longer have to hold a defended and/or fighting position.

When another connects with your feelings and needs and you can receive this caring, (and vice versa) you can start to trust that this person is working in collaboration with you rather than in competition.  You no longer have to "lawyer" for your needs and default to compromise in which the person with the best presenting case gets to have his or her needs met. 

As you drop the defending and fighting you, your physical and emotional bodies release from a contracted state.  Energy can flow again allowing warmth, spaciousness, and creativity to arise naturally.

As you learn to drop right/wrong thinking and make connection a priority, you get to experience this expansive state more and more.  The more you experience it, the more you will trust this new way of approaching relationship.  The easier it gets.

This week notice when you are connected in a difficult situation.  Let yourself be very aware of your body, emotions, thoughts, and words.  Mindfully notice if you like this experience.  If yes, commit to creating connection, in the next difficult interaction.  This kind of mindfulness around success with connection helps to deepen your trust in a new way of relating.

The more you can give up this vision of who you want to be the more joyfulness you can experience.  If you are reading this article then at least one aspect of your vision is likely around being a compassionate person.  Tragically as you compare yourself to the person you think you should be, compassion is the last thing that gets created.

You can get out of this spiral into suffering.  The key is to focus on how you relate to yourself rather who you are.

The question isn't "Have you become someone who never reacts?" The question is "Are you accepting and compassionate with yourself around whatever you find yourself doing, thinking, and feeling?"

As I prepare to spend three months in a monastery, I notice my own "being the perfect me" thinking comes up.  I start to create all kinds of standards about what I should achieve during that time and who I should become.  With the help of empathetic friends, I reel myself back from this spiral into suffering and return to compassionate relationship with myself.  I remember that whatever I do, whether it be meditating or reacting in anger, the point is to meet it with acceptance.  Even acceptance implies that there is something separate and possibly unpleasant that I have to "accept".  Eventually I want to have a relationship with myself in which I just notice ‘what is' in the moment and respond in the most life giving way I can.

Being in a compassionate relationship with yourself requires that you learn how to talk to yourself compassionately.  You can start with whatever you criticize yourself the most for, including accepting that you're criticizing yourself.

For example, rather than saying "I shouldn't get angry" start saying something like, "Okay, I got angry and I gave vent to anger.  That's okay.  That's part of being human.  What do I now to reconnect with myself and the other person?  Or Let me take some time and reflect on everything that happened before I got angry so I can understand how I got there."

When you are not using energy to criticize yourself or someone else it frees up energy to get curious about your experience, which allows for the new awareness and growth you were looking for all along.

This week every time you have a thought about wanting to be someone you are not, bring yourself back and notice how you are relating to yourself.  Connect with the you under the messiness of the moment.  You are always doing the best you can. ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/514 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/514 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/514#comments Wed, 18 Nov 2009 21:04:47 -0800 When someone is sharing something with you, it is easy to caught in ideas of how you are supposed to listen and respond.  For example, if your partner is sharing about a problem at work, you might think to yourself, "Oh, I need to figure this out so I can solve the problem."  Or "I have to cheer her up."  Or "I am tired of hearing about this so I have to convince him that it's not that big of a problem."  Even writing out these thoughts I feel tired. 

My hope for you is that listening doesn't have to be such hard work.  The first thing that might bring you some relief is to remember that most of the time when someone is sharing something with you all he or she wants is to be heard. 

I do a little exercise in the workshops I offer in which one person speaks for three minutes, while the other person listens silently.  At the end of the three minutes the listener uses a list of feelings and needs to make guesses about or say back the feelings and needs the speaker expressed.  Again and again the responses of the speaker in this exercise are the same:

"I was surprised how good it felt to be heard."

"I was so relieved to speak knowing I wouldn't get advice."

"Just having the space of three minutes without interruption, I got insight into my situation."

"After being heard, I could let go of the situation."

The listeners in this exercise typically express the following:

"I noticed how often I wanted to give advice."

"I kept feeling responsible, like I had to meet his needs."

"I didn't want to see her in pain.  It was hard not to jump and say everything would be okay."

These are the habits of listening a lot of us grew up with.  They are not so easy to change.  On the other hand, you feel exhausted carrying the burden of all the ways you think you need to respond when someone shares something with you.  To make matters worse, you are not necessarily helping by carrying that burden.  Remembering that most folks just want their feelings and needs heard first can allow you to put down some of that burden.

The second thing that can help you lighten your load is to ask the other person what kind of listening they want.  Good cues that it would be helpful to ask this question are:

§       You start to feel restless or resentful as you're listening.

§       You head starts aching with all the analysis and problem solving you're doing.

§       You start to offer information and the other person looks dejected.

§       You reach out to console with a hug and the other person pulls away.

§       You feel tired and disconnected as the other is talking.

Here are some ways you could ask the other person what kind of listening she or he is asking for:

"Just to be clear, are you needing to be heard or are you wanting advice?"

"I want to hear you and I am starting to go fuzzy.  Can you tell me what you are wanting in telling me this?"

"Would it help to have me say back what I am understanding you to say so far?"

"I notice I want to problem solve.  Is that what you are looking for?"

This week pick one person to practice listening to in this new way.  At least once this week ask that person what kind of listening he or she wants.  Remind yourself as you listen for and reflect back feelings and needs that you are not responsible for meeting them.  See if you can hold the other person as capable of meeting their own needs or explicitly making a request when they have one.  Let yourself enjoy listening to another's heart without the burden of all your ideas and habits around it.

The feeling of being attracted to someone can be so strong and automatic that you might tell yourself you have no say in the matter.  Finding your choice requires making some subtle distinctions.  Let's look at the distinctions using the scenario below.

You are at work and a new co-worker comes around the corner.  Something about this person is immediately attractive to you.  Noticing you find them attractive you have a choice.  You can follow and encourage this attraction energy by looking at the person more intently, searching for all their attractive qualities.  Or you can notice the attraction energy, giving it a mental nod, saying internally something like, "Oh, attraction, that's okay, but not something I want to follow with this person."  You then turn your focus away from the attraction and toward your center and meeting this person for who they are, which is much more than someone you happen to find attractive.  As the person turns to leave, attraction energy might prompt you to let your eyes follow them, this is another choice point. Your lingering gaze will promote more attraction.  After they leave, you have another choice.  You can think and fantasize about this person or choose to put your focus somewhere else - your next task, your center, your love for your partner, etc.

Practicing with attraction really is as simple as deciding where to put your awareness moment by moment and then acting from that choice.  However, simple doesn't necessarily mean easy.  Here are some of my guesses (some based on my own experience) about what might make this practice difficult.

First, you may not have a mindfulness practice.  You don't catch all the choice points above and suddenly find yourself flirting with your co-worker before you realize what has happened.  You can start a practice in that moment.  Even as you are flirting you can start to notice yourself more closely.  Notice how you are standing, how much eye contact you are making, your physical proximity to the other, and your tone of voice.

Second, you may use flirting and the web of attraction to meet other needs.  This makes it hard to give up even though it's damaging your partnership.  Before I was mindful of this stuff, a friend once said to me, "Flirting is like breathing for you."  Fortunately, about the same time, another friend said, "You know people don't like that you do that."  Thanks to friends willing to give me honest feedback and a number of failed relationships, I started to realize the cost of meeting my needs in that way.  I began to learn other ways to meet needs for aliveness, acceptance, excitement, and belonging.

Lastly, giving your attention to attraction to other people can be a way to protect around the vulnerability of being fully committed in your partnership.*  You might be saying to yourself at a semi-conscious level that you never want to experience the hurt of your partner leaving.  You think it is safer to make sure you have someone else connected to you in that way.  Maybe this boosts a sense of self-worth or maybe it gives you the sense of having someone else to turn to.  Either way it seemingly provides a safety net.

Noticing attraction to others who are not your partner is a normal event.  Your mindfulness and conscious choices around it determine the role it plays in your life.  This week watch for a moment when you notice an attractive person.  Take time and notice what you do next.  Notice where you focus your eyes, the thoughts that come up and how you act.  Notice where habit takes you and decide if you would like to do something differently or not.

*This is not meant to be a statement about poly-amorous relationships.

A little mindfulness about starting a conversation can go a long way.  In a couple I have been working with, one partner said she had been practicing starting conversations by asking her partner, "Can I tell you something?"  With this one little question, her partner felt great relief because it met her needs for consideration, choice, and participation. 

The partner who asked was also relieved to get clarity about when she could be heard and when she couldn't.  Without this clarity she reported this experience, "My partner would look up at me with irritation and say, ‘I can't listen to you right now.'  I would then feel hurt and either shut down or get angry."  She said this rarely happens now.

They also made an agreement that neither of them would try to talk over the kids.  When a child interrupted, the conversation would stop, one of them would tend to the child's need, and then the conversation could start again where it left off.

Asking if someone wants to listen to you before you start talking, not only respects their choice, but also supports you in getting heard.

Here are some ways to ask for listening:

Can I tell you something?

I have something to share.  Are you up for hearing it?

I have a celebration.  Can I share it with you?

I am wanting to tell about ______.  Are you interested in hearing?

I notice I am needing empathy.  Are you in a place for that?

As you come up with ways to ask for listening you may find that you get an automatic yes from certain people.  Sometimes people are so surprised at being asked they don't really believe it's a choice.  You can support someone in making an authentic choice by offering a second option such as:

Or do you want to talk later?

Or are you needing some quiet?

Or are you really focused on what you are doing?

Or does that topic seem like too much right now?

Offering options like these shows more explicitly that you are considering their needs when you make your request.

This week practice checking in with someone before you start a conversation.  Practice a variety of ways to honor their choice in listening or not.  When someone does choose consciously to listen to you, notice if there is a difference in your quality of connection and your sense of being heard.

The word "violent" in NVC refers to anything that disconnects us from life. I experience disconnection from life in various ways: a contraction or pulling in, a closing up, a numb or listless feeling, a hardening or rigidity in mind, heart, or body, a deflation of energy.

Marshall Rosenberg talks about several categories of violent language in his book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. One category that I have found to be popular in my own mind as well as the minds of others is comparison.

Comparing jackals can wreak havoc with connection and confidence.

I have spent a lot of time dialoguing with my comparing jackals. One comparing jackal likes to compare my work day with my partner's work day. My partner works 10-12 hour days nearly nonstop. He rises at 4am, leaves the house at 5:20am and returns sometimes as late as 9pm. I work at home unless I am seeing clients or teaching a class. I keep my own schedule which looks nothing like his. I can't imagine keeping the schedule he keeps. His endurance and energy far exceeds my own.

My jackals like to bark, "You should work as many hours as he does a day. You should have more energy and stamina. You're weak. You're not contributing as much as you could. Don't be lazy!"

What do I do with these comparing jackals?

I come back to myself and my life. I ask myself some basic questions:

What are the facts?
Name what you are doing.  On a particularly difficult day I wrote out hour by hour all I had done that day to see exactly how I was making use of my time.

What are my feelings?
Am I happy with my work? Do I feel satisfied with my days? Do I feel alive?

Are my needs being met?
Do I notice people benefiting from the work I do (need for meaningful contribution)? Am I doing the best I can to take care of my mind, heart, and body so that I can be a vehicle for contributing to and enjoying life (need for integrity and health)?

Do I have any requests of myself?
Is there something I want to do differently based on my needs? - not based on my jackal's idea of what I should do.

In the steps above you might notice there is no mention of my partner, the person my jackals were comparing me to.  These steps are just about connecting to what is true and authentic for me.

Like any jackal, comparing jackals have your needs in mind. In my example above, the comparing jackal is pointing to needs for integrity, contribution, and effectiveness.  However, thinking I can meet needs by trying to be someone else is a doomed strategy. I am completely unique. There is no particular way set up for me. I get to find my own way, moment by moment.

This week notice the next time a comparing jackal starts barking in your mind. Use the four questions listed above to get grounded in what's true and return to yourself and your own path.

You'd like to connect and you also have a sense that it would really help them if they could receive your offer of empathy.

It's time to interrupt.

We all have the training that interrupting is "rude" (that it doesn't meet needs for consideration). And this might be true if you interrupt to interject your own opinion, problem solve, give advice, tell your own related story, etc.

I am suggesting you interrupt to connect with the other more fully.

The problem is that a lot of folks don't know how to create or receive the listening and connection for which they long.

How can you help?

There are a number of hints about interrupting that will help the other receive your interruption without defensiveness.

Immediately state your intention to connect with them:

"Hang on, I'm really wanting to get what you're saying and I'm not sure if I am. Are you feeling irritated because you need mutuality in the relationship?"

Don't give up, if they ignore your guess, try again.

"Let me see if I'm getting it. Are you feeling exasperated because you need cooperation?"

Reflect the thoughts back before moving to feelings and needs.

"Yea, you're thinking they were wrong for doing that."

Say what you notice is happening with your guesses.

"Hey, Chris, I am noticing I am making guesses about what you were experiencing and not getting a response from you. Could you tell me if I am in the ball park with my guesses just now?"

If they don't connect with feelings, try just guessing needs.

"Are you needing some consideration?"

Express your own feelings and needs.

"I notice I am feeling a little frustrated because I want to connect and I am not sure how. Could you tell me what you are wanting me to hear most about what you are saying?"

The most important thing to remember is that you are interrupting to connect and this takes courage. Interrupting might mean some awkwardness, or conflict at first.

A fair share of us, myself included, have had training in our families of origin that tell us to attempt to maintain harmony at all costs.  Sometimes this gets in the way of genuine connection.

My experience is that the more alive I feel and the more tools I have, the less willing I am to sacrifice a moment of this precious life for keeping the peace, being polite, or acting from obligation.

Interrupting to connect means you are valuing the need for aliveness for you and the other.  It takes courage, practice, and skill to move from being a nice polite dead person to being a person of aliveness and genuine connection.  Notice the next time you feel disconnected in a conversation, practice interrupting to connect.

Arguments like this stay stuck because each person thinks it's about the content of the argument, in this case money, rather than the universal needs alive for each. The first person in this example may be convinced that the only way he can be creative in his work is to buy an expensive piece of equipment. The second person may think the only way she can meet her need for security and choice is to have a certain amount of money in savings.   When the needs get attached to the strategies like this a no way out scenario gets created.

Arguments also stay stuck when an empathic connection has not yet happened between the two of you. That is, you haven't yet fully stepped into each other's worlds and connected to the feelings and needs behind the strategy each is putting forth.

What does it take to create this empathic connection?

• First, you need to find a willingness to set aside your ideas about why you think the other person is saying what they are saying. If you have known someone a while, it is easy to think you already know what is true for them. This is exactly what can keep you stuck.

• An intention and willingness to stay with the dialogue until mutual understanding and connection happens. This means letting go of the thoughts that say, "This is hopeless!" or "Let's just drop it we are going to get into a big fight and get nowhere." Then come back to your breath and stay in your seat.

• A readiness to give empathy. Let the person who is most ready to give empathy listen first.

• A willingness to stay with one speaker at a time.  This means that even though you have reactions and want to argue your side you don't say anything about you when it is not your turn.

• For the Speaker: be willing to state what's alive for you in a variety of ways. Don't repeat the same phrases again and again. Try a different way of saying it. Help the other person connect with you.  Most importantly, just express your feelings and needs without story or justification.  Use the feelings and needs list to do this.

• For the Listener: If you are not in a place to offer empathy, then you may want to do some self-empathy first or receive empathy from someone else.  Otherwise, repeat back the feelings and needs you hear your partner express and let your heart connect here.  You may need to say what you hear a number of times and in a variety of ways before you really connect with what is alive for the other person. If you are hearing more words then you can absorb, interrupt and give back what you heard so far and the feelings and needs you are guessing are alive for your partner.

When you have created an empathic connection, there is natural giving that arises from the heart and you may be surprised at the actions and requests that occur to you in this place.

If you have a stuck argument with someone in your life, spend some time reflecting on the feelings and needs alive for you and what you guess might be alive for them. Before talking about it again, state your intention to create understanding around this. Request that you take turns and follow the steps listed above.

Some common forms of jackal language and thinking include: judgment ("you are a loving person"), demands ("I don't care what you want, just do as I say!"), denial of responsibility ("I have to, it's my job"), and deserve ("You deserve a promotion").

You likely find yourself reacting to this kind of language in one of four ways: defend, attack, submit, or withdraw/avoid.

In defend, you offer all the good reasons you have for doing what you did.

In attack, you let the other person know how they are wrong or bad in some way.

In submit, you take on the other's jackal about you (e.g., I guess you are right I was being lazy, I am so sorry).

In withdraw you find yourself moving away, physically, emotionally, or both. You might also quickly change the subject in a conversation.

You are working to watch these reactions and the jackal language that goes with them, rather than believe them and act from them.  Once you can just, "enjoy the jackal show" without acting from it, you can take the next step and translate your jackals into feelings and needs.

In which of the four reactions, defend, attack, submit, or withdraw, do you most often find yourself?  With what body positions and movements, thoughts, and words, do you express that reaction?

This week notice when you find yourself in one of these reactions. See if you can watch the reaction without acting from it. Then start guessing the feelings and needs that are alive for you underneath the reaction (self-empathy). After connecting with your feelings and needs decide what action/request you want to make of yourself or someone else to meet your needs.

Imagine your partner gets home later than anticipated and it triggers past pain for you.  You feel your heart race and anger rise.  You want to lash out with an accusation.  “Where were you?!”  “Who were you with?!”  All your experiences of hurt and betrayal rush to the forefront with fear and anger in the lead.  It feels like a tidal wave and it’s hard to stop.

Here’s the first thing to know.  Don’t try to stop the tidal wave.  This only makes things worse.  Much better to grab your surf board and ride it.  You do that by knowing its effects, naming it, and getting help.

Know the Effects of Reactivity

Know the effects of acting from reactivity by taking time to reflect in an intentional way. This means noticing how you feel after expressing reactivity, how it affects your body, energy level, and mind state for the minutes, hours, and days to follow.  Track your partner and your relationship in the same way.  How long does it take for the two of you to feel close again?  What are the effects on your partner?  Ask him or her about physical, mental, and emotional effects s/he experiences.  Noticing all of this helps you to appreciate the costs of expressing reactivity as well as knowing it more intimately.

Name Reactivity

Being able to name your reactivity both in the moment and when you are not reactive is also important. Naming reactivity might sound like this, “I am so triggered right now!  My mistrust stuff is up.  Can you sit with me while I take a few breaths?”

Naming your reactions to yourself and your partner when you are not in it is also helpful.  Articulating the thoughts, sensations, feelings, and impulses that are a part of that state and how you are working with them makes it easier for you and your partner to stay in a grounded, compassionate, and supportive place around it.

Ask for Help As you work with your reactivity in this way, you learn what helps you to detach from it and locate in your center.  Knowing this you can ask your partner to do or say particular things that might help.

Here are some examples of what I have heard people request their partner do or say when they are reactive:

-Physical touch:  hold my hand, stroke my hair, hug me

-Affirmations:  Say things like - It’s okay to react.  I am here and I want to connect.  I’m with you.  I love you and I am not leaving.  You’re important to me.  I’m not mad at you.  I want you to be yourself. Etc.

-Empathy:  Guess feelings and needs - Yea, you’re feeling really angry. This hit you hard.  You want trust (or whatever need is alive).  Feeling panicky (or whatever feeling is present)?

-Code words or signs:  I have also heard couples come up with code words or signs that identify the reactive state and remind them of their intention to connect.

What is almost never helpful in de-escalating reactivity is:

-Immediately explaining your side of things

-Rationalizing:  Trying to explain how there is no reason to react. Or, conversely, if you are the one reacting, trying to explain how you have every reason to react.

-Minimizing:  saying it wasn’t a big deal and how others wouldn’t react that way.

-Shaming:  saying things to yourself or your partner like, “You’re being oversentive.” “Don’t be such a child.”  “Toughen up you’re an adult now.”  “You are being ridiculous.”

This week, practice with little reactions like impatience in traffic or irritation at a long line.  Use the steps listed above (knowing the effects of reactivity, naming it, and asking for help) to reflect on your reactivity. Remember, practicing with reactivity doesn’t mean you are trying to shut yourself down and will yourself not to react.  It’s about being in conscious relationship with it so you are surfing the wave rather than drowning in it.

click here for a list of feelings and universal needs and an empathy guide.  http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/433 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/433 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/433#comments Thu, 13 Aug 2009 12:41:46 -0700 Your survival depends on intimacy. As Thomas Lewis talks about in his book, "A General Theory of Love", an infant's life depends on intimacy with a caregiver to regulate basic physiological and emotional functioning. This regulation through connection continues throughout life.

However, if you are like most people, you had formative experiences in which you moved toward intimacy and got the message that it wasn't okay and possibly that it was dangerous.  At some point in becoming more and more intimate with your partner these previous experiences motivate you to defend against the very thing you need.

Defending against intimacy can take a lot of different forms.  Let's look at a couple of common patterns.

Mistrust & Suspicion

This has been the most pervasive pattern for me over the years.  Until I was able to see how it was preventing intimacy, I had a hard time letting go of it.  The basic scenario here is that the data shows your partner to be consistently trustworthy, but you continue to engage in suspicion and mistrust.  For me this looked like asking lots of questions:  Where were you?  Who were you with?  Was that person flirting with you?  Are you really committed to this relationship?  Why are you late?  Do you really love me?  Etc.

As long as I labeled my partner as a suspicious character and allowed myself to ask these kinds of questions from a place of fear, I could build a case for mistrust. In this way, I kept a distance between us.

Avoidant 

This a second common pattern I have encountered in work with couples.  If this is your pattern of defending, you have likely heard yourself say things like, "That's just the way I am."  You also may find it had to give a definitive yes or no to decisions.  Instead you say things like, "I have to think it over.  Or, I could, I don't know.  Or,  That's a possibility, let me see how I feel."  Revealing what you really want or don't want and committing to an answer feels scary at some level. You prefer to stick with what is familiar both in your own behavior and in the things you and your partner do together. You likely take a long time to make a change and once you decide to do something you stick with it.

This pattern can help create security in a relationship up to a point.  When it keeps you from experimenting with your partner and saying yes to change, intimacy is the cost.

This week watch yourself closely as you interact with your partner.  Notice when you do something that disconnects you from your partner.  See if there is a pattern there. Do you notice some habitual way of behaving that keeps you defended against intimacy?

If you are consistently asking for more space and independence, it’s probably not that you value it more, but rather that you have a more tenuous connection with your ability to make choices freely.  You have likely had formative experiences in which you experienced a lot of pressure to behave in particular ways.  You are likely more susceptible to making choices out of obligation, duty, fear of hurting someone’s feelings, or fear of rejection.  Given this, you are more likely to hear requests as demands.  You might hear yourself say things like “People demand so much of me”, or “My partner is always so demanding”. What works well for you is when someone makes a request of you and is very clear that they are okay if you say no.

On the other hand, if you say you value intimacy more, it’s likely that your connection to your own sense of being loved is more tenuous.  You might express this to your partner and loved ones in these ways, “It doesn’t seem like you really want me to be there.”  “ I want us to be closer.”  “Do you really love me??”  What works well for you are frequent invitations to be included and reassurance that you are loved and wanted.

The edict “Do unto to others as you would like them to do unto you” can create a lot of havoc when you and your partner hold these different positions.  It can be difficult to remember that to one person giving lots of space may seem respectful, but to another it can be perceived as cold indifference.  Just as giving lots of invitations and reassurance is heartwarming to one person, and a pressure cooker to another.

Next week I will talk about what communication looks like when partners find themselves in these two different positions.

Take a moment and reflect on your own relationship.  Do you need more support in your sense of independence or your sense of intimacy and belonging?  Have you let your partner know what support looks like for you?

click here for a list of feelings and universal needs and an empathy guide.  http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/426 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/426 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/426#comments Thu, 09 Jul 2009 17:58:02 -0700 When you think about screaming at someone you probably imagine a barrage of criticism and blame.  If you value kindness, you likely don't want to scream in this way and at the same time you want to express yourself and stand up for your needs.

A common misperception in learning Compassionate Communication (NVC) is that it means always being calm and kind.  In truth the practice of NVC is about being fully alive and authentic.  Sometimes this means feeling angry, exasperated, frustrated, irritated,
etc. . . The hard part is when you express difficult feelings in the form of criticizing others. The key is to screaming compassionately is to make what you say about the situation and your experience of it.

When you get home from a long day at work and open the door to a living room strewn with papers, food, and cloths, you might be tempted to scream at your teenage children,

"Didn't I tell you guys to clean up when you got home!  Why can't you do what I tell you?!" 

While this may or may not set them in motion, it certainly doesn't do much for your relationship.  In NVC, it might sound like this:

"Arrg!  I feel so angry and frustrated when I see this living room.  I need order and help.  I am going to take ten minutes to rest before I can talk with you."

From a NVC consciousness, you recognize that engaging in a dialogue from anger rarely yields effective results.  If it does get results, you will pay for those results later.  Resentment, disrespect, and a loss of connection are the long term results of interacting while you're angry.  Express that you are angry and then take responsibility for it by walking away and coming back when you are connected with the feelings and needs underneath the anger.

If the parent in the example above came back later and started a NVC dialogue, it might sound like this,

"Hey guys, I am calmer now, would you be willing to sit down with me and talk for ten or fifteen minutes.  I am really wanting us to get along around this cleaning issue."

(teenagers agree to ten minutes).

"When I see the state of the living room, I feel tired and frustrated because I am wanting to feel comfortable at home and a clean orderly house really helps.  I want to be sure I am being clear.  Could you tell me what you understood me to say?"

This is just the beginning of a dialogue.  The emphasis here is on dialogue.  That is, you're expressing your feelings and needs and in a space to hear theirs.

Take a moment to think about the last time you felt angry.  How could you have expressed that anger in a way that expressed your needs without making someone wrong?

You get to choose who you are and how you respond to the ever changing events of your life. Specifically, you can start by choosing how to relate to yourself.  A student of mine put it this way, “I need to learn to have a relationship with myself instead of a reactionship.”  This doesn’t mean you don’t have reactions - of course you do.

The question is, do you relate to your reactions or react to your reactions.  Recently a friend was talking about how she wants to come from a loving place with people in her life, but she finds herself irritable and defensive in the wake of her divorce.  She reacted to her reaction by telling herself she shouldn’t have it, that she should be more loving.  The very loving she wants to express to others, she denied to herself.  I suggested that she could notice her reaction from a loving place by responding this way,

“Yea, it doesn’t feel good to be defensive.  Yet, I know parts of me feel scared and vulnerable after this divorce and really need some tender caring and nurturing.  It is okay to react.  I am going to feel this for a while.  It is okay to feel these uncomfortable feelings.  I can handle it.  There is just for me to feel it and do the next thing in front of me.”

There is a you inside that can watch your reactions in the face of little or big changes.  Naming your reactions give you a little space.  In that little space you can cultivate a loving relationship with yourself and choose how you respond in the face of change.

This week notice at least three times when you make a conscious choice about how to respond to yourself or others in a difficult situation.

click here for a list of feelings and universal needs and an empathy guide.  http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/423 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/423 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/423#comments Thu, 18 Jun 2009 12:55:06 -0700 You have just shared about a difficult situation you experienced during the day.  Your partner looks at you, not saying anything.  “Well, what do you think?” you ask.  Your partner answers, “I don’t know.  What do you want me to say?”

You have a particularly mindful moment and are able to watch your jackal show instead of speak it.  It might sound something like this:
“Can’t you just talk to me!  All I want is a little conversation. Is that so hard?!”

The truth is that it is hard for many. Even more difficult is responding in the specific way that meets your need for connection and being heard in a given moment.

Part of creating supportive relationships in your life is taking responsibility for creating the listening you want.  This means being conscious of your intention for sharing something with someone else.  I often let my listener know what I am wanting before I share something.  Below are some typical things I am looking for when I share and relevant questions I might ask my listener.

-    Empathy / Understanding
o    I want to share something that happened today and I am just looking for empathy.    Are you up for listening?
o    Can you tell me what you’re understanding from what I said?
o    What are you hearing me say?

o    For my own clarity, could you say back what you are getting?

      I am having trouble identifying my feelings and needs.  Could you make some guesses?

-    Celebration
o    I have a celebration.  Want to hear it?
o    Guess what?!

-    Relatedness / Connection
o    Have you experienced something like this before? 
o    Is this a common experience?
o    What feelings and needs come up for you hearing that?

-    Pespective
o    How does this fit in the context of other things in my life? 
o    What else might be influencing me or the situation?
o    Do you have any sense of where this other person was coming from?

-    Reality check
o    Does my thinking make sense?
o    Am I missing something? 
-    Information / Advice 
o    Are there facts I need to know?
o    What would be most skillful?
o    What would you do in my shoes?

Any given conversation may contain allow of these or a dance among several.  Remaining conscious of this dance helps create more fulfilling conversations.
Knowing your intention in sharing something and asking clearly for what you want back, not only increases the chances for your needs being met, it also helps the listener meet their need for contribution in a clear way.

Start this practice now by reflecting on the last three conversations you had with people around you.  Name the intentions you had for each.
click here for a list of feelings and universal needs and an empathy guide.  http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php

]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/422 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/422 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/422#comments Thu, 11 Jun 2009 15:46:51 -0700 Have you ever heard yourself saying something like, “If only I can be more accepting, he will change.”  Or  “If only I listen more, then she will be more loving.” ?

Tragically, I have been witness to the fallout of this kind of thinking and pattern in my own relationships and in many of the couples I with whom I work.  Holding the idea that you can change someone, who is not asking for change, by behaving in some special way, eventually leads to exhaustion and resentment.

While I know that there are myriad causes and conditions that give rise to this pattern, Here are two I have witnessed and experienced myself.

One, your partner seems to make a mysterious change for the worse.  Perhaps there is a sudden weight gain or loss.  Perhaps the symptoms of depression start to appear.  Maybe s/he starts to get “short-tempered”.  When you inquire about this change and your partner has no insight about it, you are motivated to work to get your healthy partner back.  This is often where the “If only I …” mind can begin.

Another condition that might give rise to this mind is when your “pleaser”* coping strategies meet your partner’s “victim”** coping strategies.  It might sound something like this:

Your partner says:  Do you really need to go to that party?  I feel lonely, won’t you stay with me? You say:  Oh, I don’t want you to feel bad, I will stay.

In essence your partner doesn’t have the skills and consciousness to take responsibility and express feelings and needs directly.  In absence of this, s/he attributes responsibility to you.  This gets expressed in subtle and not so subtle ways.  This pattern is further supported by the structure of blame in our own language.  Examples are:  “You disappointed me, you let me down, you make me mad, you hurt my feelings,” etc.

Take a moment now and reflect on any relationships where you might have been in the “If only I were different, s/he would change” thinking.  Give your self empathy around this situation by naming the feelings and needs that come up for when you see the other’s difficulty.  How can you take of your needs in a way other than trying to get the other person to change?

*Pleaser strategies involve trying to meet needs by attending to others’ needs.  Often this strategy originally arises in childhood in an emotionally or physically violent context in which you are trying to meet a need for safety and harmony by pleasing your parents.

**Victim strategies involve trying to meet needs by appearing helpless or in pain. Often this strategy originally arises in childhood in which neglect is prevalent and you must find some way of getting your parent’s attention to meet needs or at the very least deflect responsibility so you don’t get punished.

click here for a list of feelings and universal needs and an empathy guide.  http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/421 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/421 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/421#comments Wed, 03 Jun 2009 19:11:28 -0700 One of the blocks to a willingness to give empathy is the fear and/or experience of being held hostage by the idea that you should keep giving it long after your desire and energy to do so has faded.  Somewhere in the middle your natural desire to listen with compassion gives way to other needs (food, rest, play, mutuality, it could be anything). 

For example, let's say you are listening to someone with empathy for some amount of time and you notice you are hungry and starting to fade.  Here you are at a cross roads.  If you have not taken on the job of being responsible for this person's feelings and needs and you can articulate your caring for the other while taking care of yourself, you might say something like this:

"I am noticing that I feel caring for you and also noticing that I am hungry and starting to fade. I need to get some food.  I am wondering if this has been helpful and if there is anything I can do before I go get something to eat?"

On other hand, if you take on the job of getting this person out of suffering or hold the belief that you will only be loved if you give unconditionally, you will likely ignore your own needs.  You may say things to yourself like: 

"This person really needs me."
"It would be selfish to stop listening right now."
"They really will be hurt if I say I can't listen anymore."
"It's my job as a caring person (friend, partner, daughter, etc.)  to listen."
"A compassionate person would keep listening."

These are the words of the part of you that puts you in empathy hostage.  A place where you start to feel resentful or guilty instead of compassionate.  In the end these painful experiences have you avoiding times when you could give empathy freely.

This week notice when you are listening more than you really want to.  Experiment with interrupting to help the other person connect with both your caring for them and your desire to tend to other needs to take care of yourself.

*click here for a list of feelings and universal needs and an empathy guide.  http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php
 

While it is true that the more you honor and accept yourself and tend to your needs consistently and in harmony with others, the less reactivity you will experience.  It is also true that, being human, you are likely to experience some reactivity all of your life.  I am surprised at how often I need to be reminded of this simple point.

These first two markers of success with reactivity are usually part of your internal dialogue and sound something like this: “I notice I feel a little off.  I’m reacting to something.  Okay, it’s okay that I am reacting.  Let me just take a minute and feel these uncomfortable feelings.”

The next success marker is that you name it out loud to your partner and ask for time to process it: “I notice I feel reactive and I don’t know what about yet.  I need to take a moment.”

Your internal dialogue then continues: “What just happened that might have triggered me?  What am I telling myself about that?”

When you have some sense of this, you might turn to your partner and express what you found. “I got triggered right after you told me your ex came over and helped you yesterday when I couldn’t come.  I started telling myself that you can replace me.  I don’t believe what I am telling myself, but it is triggering me anyway.  I think that triggered part of me could calm down with a couple of words of reassurance.  Would you be willing to remind me that you love me and want to be with me?”

In sum, the markers that you are successfully handling reactivity are; -Naming it early on for yourself -Accepting it -Naming it for your partner while taking responsibility for it -Noticing what that reactive part of you needs -Asking for help with that need from someone else or from another part of yourself.

This article was meant to paint a picture of the end result of lots of practice with reactivity.  You can read more about the steps in between in other connection gems.  I have put a link for a couple of them below.  You can also search for other articles on my website.

Take a moment now to reflect on a time recently when you have had success handling reactivity.  Make a physical or mental note of the steps you took in that process.  What did you notice (observations of events, sensations, feelings, needs)?  What did you say to yourself?  What actions did you take? For other connection gems on handling reactivity click here:

http://wiseheartpdx.org/blog/?p=375 http://wiseheartpdx.org/blog/?p=246

*click here for a list of feelings and universal needs and an empathy guide.  http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/419 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/419 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/419#comments Thu, 21 May 2009 09:03:41 -0700 Have you ever felt confused about the difference between maintaining a sense of mutuality and keeping a score card about who met what needs when in the relationship?

When you are first learning Compassionate Communication (NVC), it is important to get specific about naming observations, feelings, needs, and requests.  Doing this decreases reactivity, supports self-responsibility, and provides clarity and connection.  Unfortunately, learning to be specific can sometimes get transferred to a different kind of specific all together.

When you notice yourself, keeping a tally of how many things you did for your partner and how many things s/he did for you or saying if-then statements like, “if you listen to me, then I will listen to you; you are moving out of the NVC consciousness.

The point of NVC is not to get your partner to meet your needs.  The point is to create a quality of connection that inspires a natural giving from the heart. NVC is based on the assumption that, in our hearts, we all want to contribute to life.

My guess is that the number one reason you start a relationship score card is that you are attempting to meet your partner’s needs from a place of obligation, avoiding conflict, fear of not being loved, desire to win approval, or from feelings of guilt.  Acting from any of these means you have lost connection with your own heart and your need to contribute.

Here are some ways you can find your way back to a truly mutual relationship rather than a relationship score card.

-Take a look at your thinking. Are there jackals lurking about?  They might sound something like this:  “My partner should . . . “, “S/he gets to do that and I don’t.”, “S/he never (always) . . . “ -Check in with your own needs. Have you been sacrificing your needs?  If so, how can you begin to meet your needs more consistently, whether in or outside of the relationship? -Shift your focus from unmet needs to met needs: -Make a list of the needs that are met in your life right now and what you did that helped make that possible. -Take time each day to tell your partner what you appreciate about them (how they are meeting needs). -Take time to look at your partner from a distance.  That is, remember to see them outside of the role of “your partner” (someone who is supposed to meet your needs) and as a whole person in their right.  It might be helpful to remind yourself of their individuality, personal history, challenges, strengths, values, passions, etc.

This week when you feel yourself starting to keep score, take a breath and ask for a timeout so that you can find your way back to your heart.

*click here for a list of feelings and universal needs and an empathy guide.  http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/418 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/418 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/418#comments Sun, 10 May 2009 21:54:33 -0700 Compassionate Communication is a consciousness of connection.  That doesn’t mean creating the most connection possible with everyone in your life.  Rather, it means discerning what type of connection is most supportive in each relationship.

A student of mine, Adolfo, was recently talking about how his acupuncturist had crossed a boundary in treatment (brought up a topic outside of their usual realm and implicit agreement around relating).  Adolfo is interested in a career in acupuncture and was asking for advice regarding various school programs.  During the conversation the acupuncturist asked him, “Are you going to be around town this weekend?” Adolfo hesitantly answered yes.  Then the acupuncturist asked, “Would you like to go to dinner with my partner and I?”  Adolfo answered with a wavering yes and quickly changed the subject.

Adolfo, felt nervous needing clarity about his acupuncturist’s intention.  At the same time, he had a need for harmony and connection within the boundaries of the client / patient relationship they had created.  His strategy was to give the most immediately pleasing answer and then move away from the topic.  This strategy didn’t meet either of his needs very well.

I gave Adolfo this formula for situations like this in which you don’t want to create more intimacy, but you do want clarity about a sticky interaction.   First, refer to the event in observational terms.  Second, make a guess about most neutral reason the other might have had for what they said or did.  For Adolfo, it sounded like this:

 “Hey, last visit when you asked me about dinner, were you just wanting to offer more about acupuncture career stuff?”

Here the need is implicit with the word “offer” He guessed his acupuncturist had a need for contribution.

If the acupuncturist answers yes, they can talk about a comfortable venue for doing that or Adolfo can say he has enough information for now.

If the acupuncturist answers yes and also expresses an interest in friendship, Adolfo now has had time to consider if he would like that dual relationship or not.

If not, he may say, “Oh, I can’t be friends, life just feels too complicated for me.”  (Implicit need for ease).

Otherwise he can start a dialogue about getting together as friends and what that might look like.

Creating the connection you want means deciding what elements of your experience and process to share.  In any given interaction there are many strands of observations, feelings, needs, and possible requests.  To create the particular kind of connection you want with someone requires sifting through these and deciding which will be the most helpful to share.

This week notice both relationships in which you would like more intimacy and those in which you would like less intimacy.  For both, notice exactly what of your experience you are choosing to share and what you are leaving out.  How are your choices shaping your relationships?

*click here for a list of feelings and universal needs and an empathy guide.  http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php

]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/417 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/417 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/417#comments Thu, 07 May 2009 01:09:22 -0700 Last night was the last class in a six week series for couples.  For completion each person named something they were committed to doing moving forward.  Several people expressed a commitment to practice self-empathy.  It struck me that this is missing for so many of the clients and students with whom I work.

Folks often say they have more difficulty with self-empathy than empathy for others.

What makes it so hard?

1.    You likely have a set of  standards for how you “should” be that you don’t hold as true for others.  Usually these standards are unconscious, but you are continually comparing yourself to them.  You can uncover your standards by looking at the various roles you play in life – daughter, employee, father, student, spiritual person, etc. . .

2.    Self-empathy requires time and focus and a willingness to step into the pain of the situation.  We live in a culture that values distraction as a remedy for suffering.  It seems easier in the moment to just turn away from the situation and go see a movie or not think about it until the emotion has dissolved due to the passage of time.  When you feel some negative feeling (or positive) you move towards it by asking:  What needs are up for me?  What am I telling myself right now?  What happened that triggered those thoughts?

3.    Self-empathy also requires skill and knowledge.  The skill is to really hold your mind and heart on the one event and the feelings and needs connected to it.  Your “monkey mind” can get in the way - jumping from branch to branch –analyzing, theorizing about the future, remembering other similar situations, etc.  It takes some practice to tame your monkey mind and help it settle on your feelings and needs.  The knowledge is having a vocabulary for feelings and needs and recognizing them in yourself.

Take a moment now and commit to one way you would like to begin a practice of self-empathy.  Make it specific like:  write down three standards you compare yourself to, choose one situation each day to write down your feelings and needs for, or take a few breathes before each meal and notice what’s alive for you.

*click here for a list of feelings and universal needs and an empathy guide.  http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php

]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/414 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/414 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/414#comments Thu, 16 Apr 2009 18:30:03 -0700 While it is true, in the NVC paradigm, that all behavior is an attempt to meet a positive life giving need, it is also true that choosing one behavior over another may be affected by some not so positive thoughts and beliefs.

Let’s look at having an affair as an example. (I recognize that having an affair is a series of behaviors and choices, but for the sake of this discussion I will refer to it as a single choice).   The most obvious needs that might be behind this strategy include:  intimacy, love, affection, discovery, acceptance, and aliveness.  Of course, there are needs at cost with this strategy such as: honesty, trust, consideration, integrity, harmony, respect, and caring.

Having an affair is obviously a high cost strategy.  As such, you don’t choose such a behavior in a rational conscious way.  There are unconscious and irrational beliefs and assumptions influencing such a decision.

Here are some beliefs that could influence the decision to have an affair.  You might believe: - your partner doesn’t like or respect you. -your partner will never be able to hear you the way you want to be heard. -you have to have the safety of the relationship at all costs. -the relationship isn’t strong enough to contain the expression of your unmet needs and there is no way to change this. -your partner will fall apart if you leave and there is no other support for them. -you have a right to not consider them because there are so many times they didn’t consider you. -you are not good enough or worth anything unless someone is sexually attracted to you.

I am guessing you could add to this list.  Knowing limiting beliefs are present, in itself,  doesn’t change anything.  Noticing how they are expressed in myriad and subtle ways in both thoughts and behavior begins to create a platform for change.  For example, if you carry the belief that your partner can’t hear you and catch yourself noticing in a single instance that you are holding back from expressing your feelings and needs, you create a moment of choice.  In this moment you can choose to act from your belief or consider another possible reality.  Acting from a new belief might sound like this, “I want to share something and I am feeling nervous.  I need some reassurance. Could you reassure me that you won’t express judgment of me or my choices?”

Part of living and communicating in a compassionate way means watching yourself very closely and becoming aware of your thoughts and beliefs and how they influence your choices.

This week, choose one time when you react to something with irritation, anger, or defensiveness.  Take a few moments to reflect on what you were telling yourself in that moment.  What belief were you acting from?  Is there another truth to connect to in this situation, that helps you find your way back to your heart.

*click here for a list of feelings and universal needs and an empathy guide.  http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/413 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/413 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/413#comments Wed, 08 Apr 2009 23:38:53 -0700 Have you ever been listening to your partner express their hurt over something and found yourself responding with something like:  “I feel that too.  I was more hurt”?

Some conversations seem like a competition in who is suffering the most.  People sometimes take turns sharing how much they are suffering and tell ever more painful stories.

Various needs might be up in such a conversation such as for being seen and heard, for empathy, for relatedness, for belonging, or acceptance.

This trap of competition can be hard to avoid.  As your partner starts to express their pain, you feel your own.  You want to be heard too and you imagine that if you hear their pain first, yours is less important.  So you start to argue for how painful it has been for you and how you have suffered more.

In this context, sometimes a simple phrase like “So do I”  is enough to derail connection and begin a competition.

To stay in difficult conversations, it helps to set up some talking agreements in advance.  Saying something like, “I notice I have a lot of up for me and I also want to hear you.  It would help me to focus on you if I knew that you would be willing to hear me after you’ve been heard.  Are you up for that?”

With yourself, it helps to remember that your feelings and needs are valid, not in relationship to other’s feelings and needs, but rather just because they are your experience in the moment.

It also helps to notice if, in the moment, you really have the spaciousness and clarity to hear your partner when s/he wants to express painful feelings.  If you notice that you are competing, attacking, defending, or withdrawing, it’s probably not a good time.

If it seems like there is never a good time when it comes to particular topics, then seek outside help.  Talk with a trusted friend or mentor, or seek a counselor.

This week ask your partner for one conversation in which you just offer each other empathy.*  It could be as short as ten minutes, each of you talking for five while the other listens silently or reflects back feelings and needs.
*click here for a list of feelings and universal needs and an empathy guide.  http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php

]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/412 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/412 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/412#comments Thu, 02 Apr 2009 00:18:58 -0700 In a world that values all things fast, slick, and efficient, it's not so easy to stop in the middle of a conversation, close your eyes and connect with what's really going on for you.

The ironic thing is that the more time you take to get clear inside yourself the more efficient your conversations will be.

Sometimes you do take the time to go inside and its all a jumble in there.  I find it helpful to have some basic guide questions for self-reflection.  Here they are:

1. Self-Reflection - Observations:
•     "What just happened?"  "What did s/he just say or do?"  (For example, "S/he leaned closer and said it's my fault.").

•    "What am I telling myself?" (For example, "I am telling myself s/he is judging me."  "I'm telling myself s/he is disrespecting me".  "I'm telling myself I am wrong."

2.    Self-Reflection - Body:  What sensations am I noticing in my body? 
•    Where do I tense up or relax?
•    Do I notice a temperature change?
•    Do I shift positions?
•    What's happening with my energy body – fuzzy, lopsided, leaning forward, contracting, expanding?

3.    Self-Reflection - Feelings:  Feeling into my heart what emotions  are there?  (use the feelings list* here if you check in with you heart and no feeling comes up).

4.    Self-Reflection - Needs:  "What am I needing right now?"  "What's important to me about this?"   (Use your needs list*).

5.    Self-Reflection - Requests / Action:  What do I want to do or say now?

This week experiment with asking for a pause in at least one conversation.  Use these questions to connect with yourself during that pause.  You can also practice getting in the habit of asking yourself these questions by reflecting on at least one interaction each day.

*click here for a list of feelings and universal needs http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php
 

Often what is missing is simple turn taking.  Let's take an example with Jonah and Alexis.  Alexis expresses clearly her observation, feeling, need, and then asks Jonah to say back what he heard.  Jonah really wants to meet Alexis' need to be heard, but is feeling vulnerable and needing understanding so he mixes what he heard with what he wants to say.

For example, Alexis offers this neutral observation along with her feelings and needs: "When you left around 7 that evening and didn't return until after 1am, I felt . . . ."  Instead of giving back the neutral observation, Jonah says, "When I left that evening to comfort my friend  whose mother had died".  He begins to tell his story here without first hearing his partner.  He goes on and little bits of his story appear in the midst of otherwise clear reflection of what Alexis said.  She feels confused with this.  She wants to honor that he did get much of what she said and at the same time has a sense that he didn't.  Mixing his story with her experience doesn't make space for her experience to stand alone and be valid.

There are several ways to avoid this trap.

1.  Ask to be heard and then reassure your partner that you want to hear their experience too.

2.  Start with the clarity that you want your experience to be heard rather than argue a memory of what really happened.

3.  Own the fact that all experience is subjective by using phrases like:  "As I remember it",  "It seemed to me",  "My perception was".  "I told myself the story that", "My interpretation was" , etc.

4.  Set up regular and intentional conversations in which you take turns giving and receiving empathy.

5.  Use a talking stick to remind each other who the speaker is.  The person without the talking stick can offer empathy and ask clarifying questions, but doesn't express any of their experience until holding the stick.

This week practice reflecting back someone's experience to them and notice if you start to tell your own story before checking to see if they feel heard.

***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs

The part that knows it’s helpful is connected to the purpose of anger.  Anger is an important signaling system letting you know that you perceive a threat.  It is meant to draw your attention to something so that you can take care of yourself or others.

In the context of recovering from an abusive relationship, anger can indicate progress.  It signals that the receiver of the abuse is beginning to recognize that their needs have been unmet and hopefully is roused to take care of those needs.

When you are mindful enough to recognize anger as a signal, you can take your time and meet it as such by following the same steps I outlined last week in meeting anxiety (http://wiseheartpdx.org/blog/?p=401).  Basically, by naming it, accepting that it’s okay to have it, feeling it in your body, and looking for the feelings and needs underneath it.

Anger becomes a hindrance, when you fan the flames of it with your thoughts.  These thoughts are some version of:

• things should be different than they are or
• someone should act different than they are

Thoughts that fan the flame of anger are like a child having a tantrum.  Children have tantrums because they can’t yet accept that reality is different than they expect or would like.  Like children in tantrums, your tantrumming mind needs some gentle containment and reassurance. You can let your mind know that even though you don’t like the situation it doesn’t help to insist that it not be what it is.  It’s okay to feel the sadness and disappointment about the way things are.  Then you can connect with your needs and take action from that place.  Feeling connected to yourself and others, you can access skillfulness in your communication and actions.

This week, notice when anger arises and ask yourself, “Am I meeting it as signal or am I fanning the flame of it with my thoughts?”

***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/401 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/401 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/401#comments Thu, 26 Feb 2009 01:33:15 -0800 The two quickest ways I know to get anxious about your anxiety is to tell yourself not to feel it or to decide you are it.  If you do both at the same time, you get bonus suffering.

I am guessing more anxiety is not what you need so let's start with the basics.

First the biggest gift you can give yourself is to call up your witness self and just notice the anxiety in the same way you might notice a breeze on your face.  Call up the you that can be a curious observer to your own experience.  You can do this by asking yourself questions:

Where do I feel the anxiety in my body?

Does it move, stay still, feel heavy, have a color, depth, or shape?

Does it affect my heart rate, temperature, digestion, etc?

As you ask these questions, you dis-identify with the anxiety and thus relieve yourself from the second way to suffering mentioned above.

Next free yourself from the first form of suffering mentioned above – resistance.  Call up the compassionate you.  With your witness up and running, it's easier to look back at your humanness and feel compassion for all the myriad things we humans go through.  My compassionate self often says things like this when I am anxious:

It's okay to be anxious.

It's hard being a human.

This anxiety is uncomfortable and I am okay.

I don't have to try to get away from this.  I am safe.

It's okay to feel this anxiety.

With your witness self and compassionate self both up and running, you can check out what thoughts might be escalating the anxiety.  (Warning:  without the first two steps above and just working with thoughts you can create more suffering by trying to talk yourself out of your feelings).  So with lots of gentleness you can ask yourself:

Is there anything important coming up for me that I might be anxious about?

If so, what am I telling myself about that?

If I am having jackal* thoughts can I give those jackals empathy?

If you are someone who feels anxious, more often than not, you could do these three practices once a day.  Take time sit quietly and journal or just sit in stillness noticing your experience and dialoguing with your various selves.

This moment, take a breath and close your eyes and begin this practice just by witnessing all the sensations and emotions in your experience right now.  Notice what sensation or emotion you are curious about and stay with it a moment longer asking the witness questions listed above, then those of the compassionate self.

*jackals refer to any language or thoughts that disconnect us from life.

**giraffe refers to shifting into an interest in connecting to the feelings and needs in yourself and others.

1. When someone makes a request of you, get clear on the request.  A request is clear when you can visualize exactly what you would be doing. (When?  For how long?  How often?  With who? Where?).

2. Then guess what needs s/he is hoping to meet with the request.  For example, if a friend asks you to help her move, you might start by responding like this:   

You:  So you're needing support with the heavy things?

Your friend:  Well, no, I don't have anything real heavy.  I am just feeling emotional about this move and wanting some company.
   
You:  Oh, okay, you're wanting some company.

3. Then express your feelings and needs.
   
You:  I'm feeling torn because our friendship is important to me and I want to be there for you.  At the same time, integrity and trust are important to me so I am wanting to keep my word with my nephew to take him fishing Saturday.

4. Lastly, brainstorm a strategy in which all needs could be met.

You:  Do you have any ideas about how I could support you as well as maintain trust with my nephew?

Your friend:  Could you do that with your nephew then come over to my new place for dinner in the evening and hang out a bit?

Saying "no" really means you're saying yes to other needs. 

When there is a sense of connection and honoring of the needs of both, you will be able to find a decision that truly meets everyone's needs.  All needs can be met.  It just doesn't always look the way you think it will.

This week, notice when you want to say no to a request.  Listen for the needs behind the request and make sure you really know what the request is.  Then express the needs you're saying yes to.  Look for a way all needs can be met.

***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs
 

When you see someone you love in pain, it’s natural to feel uncomfortable and have the impulse to move away from that pain.  You might do this by reassuring, giving advice, correcting perceptions, reframing an issue, redirecting attention, telling a story, offering analysis, etc.  With these responses, the message often received by the listener is “my feelings (or my experiences) aren’t valid” or “there is no room for my feelings here.”

Of course, your intention is not to invalidate another’s feelings.  You want to help.  When your partner complains about “being invalidated”, you might feel confused needing clarity about what you are doing that your partner is reacting to.

Here are some examples of responses (in bold) that might be perceived as “invalidating”.

Speaker:  I just hate Christmas Responder:  I worked so hard to make everything perfect for you and your family.  I made the dinner. I . . .

Speaker:  I am exhausted and starving Responder:  You shouldn’t push yourself so hard.

Speaker:  I am dying inside.  I need some time to find me. Responder: Couples who separate don’t usually get back together.

Speaker:  I am so shocked.  I can’t believe you said that. Responder:  Come on, it’s not a big deal.  I was just joking.

Speaker:  I am a little spooked by our neighbor. Responder:  Ahh, he’s just eccentric.  Don’t worry so much.

Over time, little comments like this add up and block the lines of communication. One of the biggest gifts you can give to someone in pain is your listening. To do this consistently means becoming aware of and comfortable with your own pain.  The most direct practice I know of for learning to be with your own discomfort without reacting is sitting still.  Whether you sit on a chair, on a cushion, on your bed, sit still and upright for a pre-set amount of time each day.  As you sit, notice all the feelings, sensations, and impulses that move through you.  Little by little this still witnessing of your internal world helps to create a space between you and your reactions.  When you have space, wisdom and compassion can flow through.

This week try this sitting practice.  Start with an amount of time that feels do-able to you.  It can be as little as five minutes.  Experienced sitters sit at least one hour a day.

***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/388 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/388 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/388#comments Thu, 22 Jan 2009 01:32:32 -0800 A student recently asked, "Is there any way you can make yourself have less of certain needs?"  He indicated that in pursuing certain objectives it would be convenient to need less in other areas.

Of course, this is what many people attempt to do – meet certain needs at the cost of others.  Over time the results are depression, addiction, heart disease (literally denying one's heart), etc.

There is no volume knob for needs.  You're human.  You got'em.  And you and I have the same level of every need, it's just that our relationship to those needs varies a lot.

You might say that you are sure your partner has a higher need for affection than you do.  My guess is that it is more about how that need is met and how it interacts with other needs.

It is this awareness of needs and how they are met that makes life easier, not the denial of them. As your awareness of needs becomes more subtle, the action you take to meet them becomes more simple.

Physical nourishment is an obvious example.  Over the past two years, with the help of a specialist, I have learned all the subtle ways my body tells me that it benefits or suffers from what I take in.  Symptoms that appeared random to me before now have a specific meaning.  With this subtle understanding and attention to my bodily needs, other needs such as a sense of well-being, aliveness, comfort, and serenity also begin to be met.  This gives rise to greater ease and simplicity in meeting still other needs.  It seems to be an exponential continuum of thriving.

Take a moment now to look over the needs list.  Are there any needs for which you wish you could "turn down the volume"? Of these pick one you would like to begin to welcome more into your heart.  Choose a small action you could take just to begin to meet that need today.

***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs
 

***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs
 

Again and again I watched as the son tightened and froze in the face of his mom’s praise.

It seemed that he didn’t want to respond positively, because he knew he wasn’t really being seen.  He couldn’t find a way to say he didn’t like what his mom said, because his mom was so “positive”.

The implicit message the son received was that he was being judged.  In the face of his mother’s consistent judgment he didn’t feel free just to be himself, messy and “great”, as the case may be.

Again and again, moment by moment you can return to what’s alive in you.  If you find yourself saying things like “You’re great!” “Super!” in reference to someone’s behavior, you may think you are just celebrating, but the receiver may hear something different.

Express your celebration directly. The mom in our example above might say: “I feel so happy walking with you, because I care about your health and want to support you. Can we do this next week?”

If you are hoping to change someone’s behavior through praise or criticism, it’s a signal that you have lost touch with your own feelings, needs, and requests.

If you are on the receiving end of praise, like the son in the example above, here are some ways you might respond:

• Hmm, hearing you say that, I notice myself tighten up and disconnect.  Could you help me understand where you are coming from?

• I hear you say it was great.  What about it worked for you?

• When I hear you say that, I think it means you want me to be or behave in a certain way.  Then I just shut down or want to do the opposite.  Would you be willing to talk about how you’re affected (your feelings) rather than me and my actions?

***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/381 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/381 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/381#comments Fri, 26 Dec 2008 15:13:48 -0800 As I sit here on the plane to Denver to see my Mom and sisters, I feel excited.  I also know that it will be a testing ground.  You, like me, may find that your lifestyle is very different from that of your parents and siblings.  This can be fodder for judgment, conflict, and discomfort or it can be an opportunity.

Returning to your family can be a kind of test for your practice of acceptance, compassion, and honesty.  You get the opportunity to see where you get caught by your judging mind and where you have let go and don't react anymore.  For example, you might notice yourself thinking or saying things like:
I can't believe he is eating that.  What about his heart condition?!
If she wouldn't spend her money on more stuff, she wouldn't be in so much debt.
Mom, you have got to exercise.  You'll feel better if you do.
How can they watch so much TV?!
How can they live like this?!
That perspective (on politics, religion, etc.) is ignorant, I have to educate them.

When you find yourself feeling tense and having thoughts (or speech) like this, it's a good sign you have been too long outside of your comfort zone.  Take a time out in your comfort zone.  Maybe going for a walk, taking a favorite book to a coffee shop, laying down for a nap, etc.

Once rejuvenated you can give yourself some empathy for the feelings and needs up for you. Allow yourself to feel grief when you see that your family's strategies for health and happiness and even connecting with you are not so effective.  Return to your authenticity by remembering your core values, intention, and how you are committed to showing up in the world.  Loving your family doesn't mean playing a role to maintain a false sense of harmony.  Continue to ask yourself how you can be honest and compassionate.

Remind yourself that your family is doing the best they can. Rather than giving advice offer empathy.  Rather than complaining or judging express your feelings, needs, and requests.  Then, when you get caught again go back to your comfort zone.

Here's the short version of this gem:
1.    You notice you are judging or complaining.
2.    Take a time out and spend some time in your comfort zone.
3.    Give yourself empathy.
4.    Remind yourself or your values and intention.
5.    Re-enter family scene with compassion and honesty.

*jackals refer to any language or thoughts that disconnect us from life.

**giraffe refers to shifting into an interest in connecting to the feelings and needs in yourself and others.

***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php
 

1.    A commitment to self-reflection in each of you. 

That is, you each have some ritual of habit of asking yourself questions like: 
What is my intention today? 
What are my priorities?
What did I notice about my own reactions today? 
Where am I putting my awareness? 
What kind of thoughts am I having? 
What is my attitude?
Am I making decisions from my core values or from how I feel in the moment?

2.  Setting aside regular (even daily) uninterrupted time for sharing.

3.  Set up this time so that one person at a time is speaking and the focus stays on them for a given period or until they say they have been heard.  The listener reflects and asks clarifying questions.

4.  Hold the conscious intention to share your internal worlds related to events rather than the events themselves.

In one way these instructions are simple and straightforward.  In another way they are difficult.  It takes courage and trust to reveal more of your internal world to your partner.  The important thing here is to allow this to happen little by little.  Your partner may not share at the depth you would like in a given sharing time.  Let their willingness to try be cause for celebration.  Offer a space without judgment for your partner to come forward with what is real for them.  Saying things like, "Can't you say anything more?!  Don't you have any emotions?! You don't really feel like that," won't create the sense of trust and safety needed for vulnerability and depth of sharing.

This week notice how often you have uninterrupted sharing or together time with your partner.  Notice what trumps this in your daily life – cleaning house, TV, phone calls, computer, work, etc.  What might you shift or let go of to create more spaciousness in your life for a greater depth of connection?

***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php
 

Last week we talked about catching your mind as it moves to bring up the past and returning yourself to the present need.

It can also be helpful to review the past.  How this is done is what’s critical.  Because it is so easy for your listener to hear blame when you bring up a painful event from the past, you get stuck in the past pain.  It takes mindfulness and skill to bring up the past in a way that you can both benefit.

If you feel yourself tense, irritated, angry, or any version of reactive, the chances of successfully addressing the past are pretty low.  A non-reactive state may still include a lot of emotion.  The difference is that you don’t feel a sense anger or desperation around that emotion.

When you choose to bring up a past event from a non-reactive place, it’s important to get clear about your purpose in doing so.  Here are two basic ways to think about your purpose: 
-Observation, Feelings, needs & requests for you. 
Identify what triggered you at the time and the feelings and needs that were up for you.   What actions would meet your needs in similar future situations?

- Observation, Feelings, needs & requests for the other
Identify what triggered the other at the time and the feelings and needs that were up for them. This helps you let go of ideas that their behavior was about you.

When you begin the conversation, it’s important to express your purpose first.  For example, “I would like to talk about our move last summer because I am wanting to understand what was going on for both of us – not to blame or judge.  Would you be willing to talk and listen how we got triggered and what feelings and needs were up for us?”

Your partner agrees and so you begin.  You will be tempted to begin with all that happened according to your memory (including what you think your partner did or didn’t do).  If you begin here, blame, defensiveness, or argument about the details of “what really happened” will most likely result.

The paradigm shift into caring about your heart experience rather than content will keep you connected.  Beginning from your heart rather than content might sound something like this: 
“Thinking about the move, I feel sadness and pain because I was missing a sense of open communication, support, and partnership.  I am trying to think exactly what the trigger for me was at the time.  Hmm, a lot happened during that time, but I think one trigger for me was when I choosing a realtor and heard you say something like, “just do whatever you want”.  When I heard that, I made it mean that I was on my own and I just shut down around talking to you more.  Would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say so far?”

In the coming holiday weeks you may have more time with family and past stories may be a part of conversations.  As you listen to and tell these past stories, practice listening and speaking from the heart.

***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php

]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/376 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/376 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/376#comments Fri, 28 Nov 2008 15:47:48 -0800 It seems the mind has a default to focus on pain.  You can be hiking through a beautiful forest, sun shining, your beloved beside you, feeling blissful, and suddenly all your awareness is drawn to a tiny pebble in your boot.

It takes a fair amount of mindfulness to keep your awareness broad taking in the totality of your experience in a given moment.  This mindfulness can be relationship saving.

It’s easy in a moment when you are triggered with someone close to you, to find your mind going right to that pebble.  In the face of perceived blame, you want fight for yourself and tell the story of how much pain you were in when they did something “bad”.  The strength of this habit energy is part of what makes it difficult to use your awareness and skills in Compassionate Communication.

Recently I watched this dynamic in a couple with whom I was working.  As I listened to Kate, I watched her partner Dan tighten his jaw, look down and away, and fold his arms over his chest.  He was hearing blame and being pulled in by his own reactivity.  When I checked in with him, he lifted his hand and began to count on his fingers the good things he had done in their relationship.  We had entered the courtroom in which each partner presents their case.  Not such an effective strategy for connection.

With mindfulness of his reaction and clarity about his intention to connect, next time Dan can use his reactivity as an alarm indicating that he needs more connection.  From this aware place he might say, “Kate, I want to hear you and feel connected and instead I think I am hearing blame.  Could you tell me what exactly you are wanting me to understand from what you’re saying?”

Not getting swept in the tide of reactivity requires consistent mindfulness practice.  To start to develop this mindfulness of reactivity you can ask yourself this question as many times a day as possible:

“Right now, am I feeling contracted or expansive. If contracted, can I breath into it and release it?”

This week practice with this question.  Ask this question of yourself at least ten times each day.  You can help yourself remember to do the practice in a number of ways: -set an hourly alarm on your watch -write it on the back of your hand -write the question on post-it notes and put them every where your eyes land -create a pop up on your computer with this question -do the practice with someone else and agree to check in about it at the end of each day

***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/375 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/375 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/375#comments Thu, 20 Nov 2008 18:10:36 -0800

You know you are in reaction when you experience one or more of these things:
-You feel your shoulders get tight (or any part of you contracts)
-You start to talk louder and faster
-Your mind starts to go fuzzy
-You shut down and feel paralyzed
-Irritation and anger arise
-You criticize yourself or others
-You think in extremes (always, never)
-You feel defensive and start explaining yourself

Reactions are difficult, but the reaction itself is not the most difficult thing.  Choosing to behave from it as though it were real is where the trouble starts.

When you behave from reaction as though it were real, others tend to do the same and react to your reaction.  Before you know it you are in a disconnected spiral.

The biggest gift you can give to yourself and those close to you is to accept and own your reactions.  For me this is a constant practice.  I had an incredibly balanced week last week.  Lots of mindfulness, rest, exercise, connection, meaningful work, and play.  Still there were times of reactivity.  My jackals really got on my case.  They were convinced that having such a balanced week I should not have any reactivity.  Again I had to ground myself in the practice of accepting reactivity.  It helps me to consider that reactivity is born from this whole life time and many life times past.  It’s a freight train of habit energy moving through and sometimes the best I can do is jump off the tracks and watch it until it passes.

Letting the freight train of reactivity go by means first noticing the symptoms of reactivity and then labeling it for yourself and, if someone is with you, for them.  You might say something like, “I just noticed I am reacting to something.  Give me a moment.”  Or  “I am triggered.  I need to take a moment.”

After labeling the reactivity you engage the part of you that just witnesses.  Take some time to sit still and notice all the sensations, thoughts, images, and impulses, without taking any action from them.  You might find that it is easier to do this when you can tell yourself “I am reacting and that’s okay.  It’s okay to react.  (It’s okay to feel nervous, anxious, panicky, angry, defensive, etc.).

If the reaction is a familiar one that you have worked through in the past, you might find it most effective to just feel it until it passes without letting your mind get involved.  If a reaction is a surprise, it’s helpful to track down the trigger event and link it to the feelings and needs underneath.

When you can take these steps in the face of reaction, life gets a little easier for you and for those around you.  When your partner or someone close to you sees you react and then sees you take responsibility for it in this way, they can breath a sigh of relief that they won’t be the target for reactive energy and words.

This week start this process by noting the symptoms of reaction (listed above) each time they pop up and taking three breaths to feel the sensations before moving on to the next thing.

***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php

]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/373 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/373 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/373#comments Wed, 12 Nov 2008 17:38:05 -0800 If you are looking for an intellectual understanding of how something works and came to be, why is the question that gets you there.

If you are looking for a present moment connection with someone’s internal world, why usually detracts from that connection.

When you ask why, the listener may perceive that you are beginning an analysis of him in which you will point out his faults.  This may result in a defensive story or explanation without any reference to feelings and needs.  Analysis has its utility, creating heart connection is not one of them (see previous gem http://wiseheartpdx.org/blog/?p=154).

Of course the key here is truly feeling curious about someone’s internal world.  If you are angry, thinking this person should be doing something different, take the time for self-empathy first.  Notice your anger and the thoughts that feed them and then ask yourself what’s important to you underneath those thoughts (what needs are up).  Connecting with and honoring your own needs makes space for curiosity about other’s needs.

When you truly feel curious and would like connection to someone around a decision, behavior, or comment, experiment with different ways of asking.  Here are a few I have used: -What’s going on for you around that? -What’s important to you in this? -What’s up for you that has you saying no? -What feelings and needs are alive for you with that? -Are there some needs of yours that you think won’t be met if you do this?

This week notice when you ask why.  Discern whether you are looking for connection or information.  If you are looking for connection, experiment with different ways of asking about someone’s world.

***click here for a list of feelings and universal needs http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php ]]> http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/371 LaShelle Lowe-Chardé http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/371 http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/post/371#comments Wed, 05 Nov 2008 23:17:51 -0800 Criticizing others is safe in the sense that it directs your attention away from yourself.  As long as you are focused on what others are doing wrong you don’t have to feel the discomfort of your own fear, disappointment, and unmet needs.