To Vaccinate or Not to Vaccinate - How to Connect with What Matters
If you are reading this, you share a dream with me; a dream that as a global community we can grow past our fear enough to keep asking the most important question: How can we most fully live and act from love, wisdom, and care?
In the face of the pandemic, it is not surprising that fear gets the upper hand at times. Now, with the vaccine, you might feel pushed by fear to take a side and dig in at the cost of staying connected with your heart. You might notice families and friends arguing over whether to get the vaccine or not. You hear yourself site research and hear others site statistics. There’s so much information to consider. Behind all these details is what really matters most; love, care, equity, inclusion, connection, and community. The spiritual question the pandemic asks us is, “How will you care for each other? How will you move past me and mine and expand into a greater sense of family?”
Fear is contraction. It narrows your vision. It keeps you stuck in your biases. It has you imagine that survival is all that matters. It pushes you to wrap your attention around the leading cause of suffering: attachment to a view.
When fear is taking over, you might not necessarily be conscious of a feeling of fear. Especially when fear gets you stuck in attachment to your view. A few of the ways fear might manifest are:
Righteousness
Dismissiveness
Tension in the throat as you speak with a raised voice
Anger
Judgment
A lack of curiosity
Labeling others as with you or against you
An attitude of “I know better and others are ignorant”
The use of synonyms for right or wrong like: appropriate or inappropriate, informed or misinformed, mainstream or alternative, conservative or progressive, gullible or honest, fearful or confident, etc.
Fear-based thinking changes the questions you ask. When fear takes over, the central question of how will we care for each other is replaced with fear-based questions like:
Who is right?
What should people do?
How can I stay safe (regardless of the impact on others)?
What is the right way?
Who is threatening my… freedom, safety, family, views, life-style, etc.?
What side are you on?
The antidotes to fear are the same as for a trigger from any cause or crisis: naming the fear as it arises, finding groundedness, bringing curiosity, giving and receiving empathy, allowing grief, offering care, and accessing gratitude, to name a few.
This particular issue of the Coronavirus (and the viruses that will follow) perhaps presents more challenges than ever before, as it poses a real and immediate threat to life for so many. It might require every ounce of skill and groundedness to engage with another who wants to convince you that you have taken the wrong position on the vaccine.
You might experience either side of the following scenario:
You do your best to offer empathy and curiosity and at the same time you notice that the other person is making assumptions about what you know or don't know and about the choices you make. To you, it seems like you are being talked at rather than talked with; that they are ranting at you. You might try to speak up, but they talk louder and faster and don’t seem to notice that you would like to participate. You start to feel disconnected and a bit irritated because you would like mutuality and consideration. Perhaps you escalate into anger, or perhaps you collapse in hopelessness about being heard, and withdraw from the other person and your own heart.
In the heat of the moment, three key skills will help you stay connected to yourself and the other person.
Track your reactivity
Shift your attention to universal needs
Connect about it later
Track your reactivity
In the face of someone attaching to their view and not meeting your needs for mutuality and consideration, you might become foggy and disconnected from your sense of choice or you might get angry and start to challenge and argue. As soon as you can, recognize that you are becoming reactive and withdraw your attention from the other person. You might do this by calling a pause to the interaction and getting a drink of water, for example. You might also just remain as you are and internally withdraw your attention.
Immediately begin an internal narration of the signs of reactivity. This brings mindfulness onboard. Name body sensations, a change in your body posture, a change in your voice tone or volume, feelings, thoughts, impulses, and changes in energy. Notice what you start to believe about yourself or the other person at that moment. Passivity is a form of reactivity that can sometimes get confused with "staying calm." Challenge yourself to take a closer look if you go quiet.
Once you feel some mindfulness return, engage an anchor or a regulation strategy. Then make a decision about how you'd like to connect either with yourself or the other person.
Shift your attention to universal needs
Placing your attention on universal needs is a simple way to reconnect with your heart.
You might begin with self-empathy and identify what's most important to you at that moment. Needs most likely present for you might include mutuality, connection, consideration, being seen and heard, autonomy, or safety.
Once you are grounded in your needs you might choose to access honest expression. Here are some possibilities for what honest expression could sound like:
You might choose to leave the conversation or topic at hand and say what you are about to do or what you want at the moment, "I am going to go check in with my friend Amy now, I’ve been wanting to connect with her." "I am ready to get off the phone now and return to my work." "I would like to just listen to the birds as we walk."
If you are more invested in the relationship, you might share more vulnerably, "Hang on, I am wanting to connect and this isn't so connecting. I am willing to talk about this and I want it to be mutual. Would you be willing to hear what's up for me around this topic?" Or, "I notice I am feeling reactive and I don't trust that I can respond in a way that would be helpful. Let's continue this conversation tomorrow at lunch.
If you have a specific role with this person, you might speak directly from that purpose, "My role here is to help you get the information you need. Would you be willing to tell me your specific request right now?"
If you would like to create more connection through empathy, interrupt with your honest expression about your intention to connect, then offer an empathy guess, "Hang on, could you pause, I want to connect to what you're saying. In sharing this, I wonder if you are feeling grief and concern and really want to be heard about what matters most to you?"
All these types of responses come from grounded self-connection and clarity about your needs and desires in the moment.
Connect about it later
If you do want to cultivate and maintain a connection with the other person, it is sometimes easier to address the difficult interaction at another time when you have a sense of connection and rapport. Bringing up anything from the past can sometimes trigger defensiveness for the other person, so it's helpful to state your intention first. Perhaps it sounds something like this: "Remember the other night when we were preparing dinner and you started talking about the vaccine? I want to be able to talk about this issue with more connection. Are you up for trying again with me saying what I understand about what you said, and then you offering the same for me?"
Here are some examples of other types of requests that could help create mutuality and consideration in the next conversation:
"Next time, would you be willing to ask me if I want to hear about the research you found on the vaccine before you start telling me about it?"
"Would you be willing to take ten minutes now and hear what comes up for me about this topic?"
"Would you be willing to find others to talk with about it?"
"Next time we talk about the vaccine, would you be willing to ask me how what you are saying is landing for me?"
"When you see my hand on my heart, would you be willing to pause and ask me how I am doing?"
"The next time the topic comes up would you be willing to ask yourself to use the same voice volume that we are using now?"
"When you see me raise my hand, would you be willing to pause and hear what's coming up for me?"
"Would you be willing to offer a suggestion about how the conversation could have more mutuality and consideration next time?"
Regardless of how you approach the next conversation, you don’t need to assess whether the other person is reactive or apply any other label. What's important is staying grounded in your experience so that you can respond authentically.
You will always have views and biases. This is a part of being human. It is not these views that matter. What matters is how you relate to them and how they affect your ability to care for those around you and meet differences with compassion and equanimity.
Practice
Take a moment now to set your intention to engage in your grounding practice the next time you encounter a challenging interaction about the vaccine or any other hot issue. If you have a guess about with whom that interaction might be, imagine the situation vividly, focusing especially on the grounding practice and your authentic response. Take time to identify the universal needs you think might be up for the other person and those that are alive for you.
