Basic Skills for Resolving Conflicts at Home
As you stay home with your family or housemates during this unusual time, there is an opportunity for more connection—and more conflict. A conflict that is resolved well leads to more connection and less conflict going forward. But conflicts that are met without connection and skill often lead to more conflicts, or to repetition of the same conflict with different details. This kind of suffering can be avoided by remembering some basic skills. Let’s focus on three things to consider in a moment of conflict: what you need, what the other person needs, and what you want to do about it.
While these considerations are fairly simple, the real challenge is keeping your attention on them. Imagine: You walk into the kitchen to prepare lunch and see that someone has left their dishes in the sink. You feel yourself bristle. Their dishes block access to the sink, which you need as a part of the meal preparation process. You notice a familiar story form in your head: “They just use stuff and then leave it, consumer culture! They are so selfish. Can’t they consider someone else for a change?”
The more attention you give to your story the more it races and escalates and the more you lose track of what you need. And reactivity directs your attention to what you don’t want. By focusing on what you don’t want, you give even more attention to the behaviors of others that you don’t like, adding fuel to the fire of your reactivity.
If, on the other hand, you remember your intention to stay focused on needs, things unfold differently. You walk into the kitchen, notice the dishes in the sink, notice irritation come up, and then pause and ask yourself, “What do I really need here?” Or, “What’s important to me that has me getting irritated?” You pull out the needs list (that of course you always carry with you!) and find the word order. “Yes! I need order!” you say in an angry tone. The anger cues you that this is probably not the core need. You go back to the list asking yourself the question, “What is this really about for me?” You find the word care. You feel your chest release a little and you notice some hurt. It’s painful to imagine that this person doesn’t care about you. Keeping the sink available for others to use would give you a sense that they do care.
Then you turn your attention to guessing their needs. You remind yourself that “to be lazy” is not on the needs list. You think about what they are doing instead of doing their dishes. When you notice that they are working on the computer, writing a paper for school, you make a guess that they have a need for focus.
Now you are ready to initiate a dialogue. Before beginning, you remind yourself that it isn’t about who is right or wrong, but rather about finding a way forward that works for both of you. You loosen your grip around old notions that you have to get them to see that you are right in order to have your needs met. Instead, you invite curiosity about what the two of you might come up with as a new way forward. A dialogue in this context might sound something like this:
You: Hey there. I'm wanting to find a way for us to use the kitchen that works for both of us. I noticed that you like to do dishes at the end of the day. I'm guessing you want to stay focused on work during the day, and don't want to stop and do your dishes. Is that right?
The other person: Well it’s really hard to stay focused on work when I’m home day after day. I can’t just be going around doing housework, you know!
You: (Feeling a little triggered by their defensive tone, you notice the impulse to talk about how you need to get your work done, too. But you also notice that they essentially are saying you correctly guessed their need. You keep your attention only on the three considerations mentioned earlier: your need, their need, or what you want to do about it). Yeah, focus is really important right now. I hear ya. Doing your dishes at the end of the day is okay with me; except that when they're in the sink, I can't use the sink to cook during the day. Also, when the sink and stove are left ready for the next person to use it really gives me a sense of caring. I wonder if it would work for you to store your dishes in a little tub next to the sink?
The other person: Is that what you want?
You: Yeah, it would work better for me because then I could use the sink. Your willingness to create a new habit like that would also give me a sense of being cared about. I am open to other ideas. Do you have one?
Once the needs on either side of a conflict are identified, attention goes to finding a way to meet both people’s needs in that situation. This means not getting distracted by a justification of how you've done things in the past, or trying to analyze why someone does things the way they do. Instead, it means focusing on a creative process and brainstorming about what you could do differently to meet those needs. This often includes herding your own and the other person's attention. For example, if the other person offers a criticism about something you do, like leaving your stuff on the living room couch, you ask to stay focused on one thing at a time.
Keeping your attention on honoring your own and the other person’s needs and moving toward actions to meet those needs leads to true conflict resolution. For more layers of understanding about resolving conflict, see these Connection Gems about collaboration, repair, and interventions with reactivity.
Practice
Grab the feelings and needs list and take a moment to reflect on something someone you live with is doing that triggers irritation for you. Name it and then name three things they are doing that works well for you. Now return your attention to the behavior you find irritating. What need isn’t met for you when they do that? What need are they attending to when they behave in the way you find irritating? What could you suggest that would honor both sets of needs? When can you approach the other person with curiosity and warmth for a dialogue?