How to Engage in a Repair Dialogue
Relationship repair is competency 10 in Mindful Compassionate Dialogue. When you learn the skills of relationship repair, you can remain equanimous in times of disconnect. You trust that you can find your way back to connection in the face of hurt and anger. Relationship repair builds confidence that your relationships can weather the most difficult of times.
Relationship repair means coming back together after an experience of disconnect and unmet needs. It includes any action, internal or external, that rebuilds connection. Repair requires the intention to connect and take responsibility for your behavior by naming what didn’t work, offering empathy, and making a plan to do something differently next time.
Relationship repair is most effective when you take care of reactivity before you begin a repair dialogue. Repair dialogue is a likely place for blame, shame, and defensiveness. By working with reactivity in specific ways before you initiate repair, you can maintain focus on connection, empathy, and honesty. Repair can then become an opportunity to build trust and to learn how to move forward in new ways.
Repair dialogue differs from other dialogues in that it is specifically addressing interactions or behaviors that trigger disconnect. A feeling of disconnect is often accompanied by other feelings like anger, guilt, shame, depression, or shut down. When such difficult feelings are present, you might engage in tragic strategies for repair like blame, arguing over the details, or building a case to prove that you are right.
In Mindful Compassionate Dialogue self empathy and a desire to reconnect are the first steps in a repair dialogue. Connection and shared vulnerability is the path towards healing, care, and a new way forward.
With the intention to connect, instead of asking who did what wrong and assigning blame, you ask questions to help you connect with yourself and the other person before engaging in a repair dialogue. Reflecting alone, ask and answer the following questions while using the feelings and needs list.
Which of the four alarms feelings are present for me?
What other feelings are present for me? What feelings do I guess are present for the other person?
What needs are present for me, both met and unmet? What needs do I guess are present for the other person, both met and unmet?
What needs was I trying to meet when I behaved in a way that led to disconnect? What needs do I guess the other person was trying to meet when they behaved in a way that led to disconnect?
Assuming we will be in a similar situation in the future what would I like to do differently next time? What do I request of the other person to do differently next time?
The willingness to give and receive empathy is the next important part of repair. When you are struggling with difficult feelings, it’s helpful to remember that offering empathy does not condone the other’s behavior or indicate agreement of any sort. When you are disconnected, empathy may sound robotic or stiff at first. Typically several rounds of expressing and reflecting back feelings and needs is required before a sense of connection returns. Using the feelings and needs list is essential in this step to prevent a slip into shame or blame. It’s important to go slow while expressing your feelings and needs and offering empathy. When you offer empathy and then quickly shift to your own experience, empathy doesn’t have time to land and repair is difficult to establish.
Accountability, in ineffective models of repair, is often associated with admitting you’re wrong and asking for forgiveness. Regardless of whether you label something “right” or “wrong”, it doesn’t inform new actions. It’s important to express regret for behavior that didn’t meet needs for another and genuine care for the impact on them. This doesn’t mean shaming yourself or trying to punish the other for their actions. Effective accountability requires connection to the needs that went unmet and a commitment to do something different in a future similar situation. This means identifying specific doable actions and requests. This is rarely a one-sided agreement.
Lastly, it’s helpful to remember that repair isn’t instantaneous. It occurs little by little as connection is built and trust is earned through new behaviors. The discomfort of the rupture in connection may lead to pushing for immediate relief through repeating expressions of pain and anger and demanding multiple apologies. When you and the other person can be present with the pain and discomfort without going back to the story of the event, empathy can sink in and healing can begin.
As you attempt a repair dialogue, watch for the following common ways that repair gets derailed:
Insecurity: To the extent that you are unsure about the validity of your own feelings and needs you will tend to shame, blame, analyze, minimize, dismiss, criticize, defend, use “should’s”, and compare. You may need empathy from someone outside of the situation in order to access a sense of honor for your own feelings and needs.
Reactivity: Holding onto to your story of who someone is based on past events to such a degree that you cannot take in new information in the present, is a form of reactivity. Perceiving threat when none is present is another form of reactivity. When you are unable to separate past painful events from the present moment painful events, you are stuck in reactivity. You may need to create a greater sense of safety in the interaction before you can proceed without reactivity. This might mean making agreements for safety before you begin or working with a mediator or counselor.
Fear of Disharmony: When fear of disharmony is informing your decisions, you likely don’t trust that repair is possible. You then choose to ignore disconnecting interactions and allow disconnect and resentment to grow. This leaves you disconnected from your own feelings and needs and those in another. Repair is very difficult to create from this disconnected place. You may need more support before you can approach repair in a self-connected way.
Lack of Skill: When there is a lack of skill regarding self empathy, empathy, and honest expression, you may have good intentions, but don’t know how to create repair without falling into the old model of blame and shame. You may need to invest in learning and practicing new skills.
Effective relationship repair requires mindfulness, self-awareness, and subtle skills. When these are present, repair can happen relatively easily. When you trust your ability to repair, ruptures in connection, while still painful, these ruptures become opportunities for deepening your understanding of yourself and another and growing your capacity to love.
Practice
Set aside some time to work through these reflection questions regarding a relationship in which you feel disconnected.
Which of the four alarms feelings are present for me?
What other feelings are present for me? What feelings do I guess are present for the other person?
What needs are present for me, both met and unmet? What needs do I guess are present for the other person, both met and unmet?
What needs was I trying to meet when I behaved in a way that led to disconnect? What needs do I guess the other person was trying to meet when they behaved in a way that led to disconnect?
Assuming we will be in a similar situation in the future what would I like to do differently next time? What do I request of the other person to do differently next time?