Why reviewing the rules doesn't help?

If you have ever worked with, lived with, or been on a team with a group of people for more than a few days, you have likely found yourself frustrated, irritated, and exasperated over how someone isn't doing what they are "suppose to" be doing.  You have an idea about how things should go so that everyone's needs are met and sure enough someone is not doing it that way.

You might be tempted to review the rules with that person and give a reminder about his or her particular responsibilities. The underlying thought likely sounds something like this, "If I just tell him enough times about what to do he will do it." You assume here that this person has a need for information and clarity; that it was this lack of clarity that caused him or her to behave that way.

When you have been in a group for a while, it's unlikely that someone has not received the information they need about roles and rules.  So when you approach someone with irritation and a reminder about rules you are likely to encounter resistance in one form or another.

People naturally want to behave in a way that works for everyone when they feel connected  and when there is a sense of acceptance and caring in the group.  Building rapport and relationship rather than reviewing rules creates the collaboration you are seeking.

Building rapport most often starts with you.  If you find yourself irritated in reaction to someone's behavior, the first thing is to give yourself some empathy.  Name the irritation and ask yourself what need is not being met for you.  Here are some questions that can help you access needs:

-What's most important to me here?

-What do I long for?

-What do I really care about?"

Getting connected to the energy of your needs releases you from the contracted state of irritation.

Once you are reconnected with yourself you have space to get curious about your co-worker, family member, housemate, or teammate.  You might guess at what could be going on in his or her world that would contribute to the behavior you have difficulty with.  You might make some guesses at feelings and needs alive for him or her.

You also could give some attention to what this person is doing that does meet needs for you.  It's easy to forget that there may be plenty of times when you are not irritated or even pleased.  You can create rapport in these situations by acknowledging what is working well for you, what you appreciate.

When there is connection and genuine appreciation of the other, you can approach the difficult situation with genuine curiosity and caring.  In this atmosphere difficulties tend to clarify and resolve naturally.

Take a moment now to reflect on someone in your community you react to with irritation.  Notice the jackal show regarding him or her.  Set your jackals aside long enough to follow the steps outlined above.