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"I can't be myself in this relationship"
If you have heard yourself say, "I can't be myself in this relationship." It's a good time to stop and ask what exactly is keeping you from being yourself. It's a tricky question because to answer it, you first have to know what "being yourself" really is.
Knowing what it is to express the authentic and unique you is a life's work. As you practice a life of mindfulness and self-reflection, you peel away layers of ideas about how you should be, how relationships work and the habits that go with both (all of which you may have previously identified as "my self"). Often this can be a painful process, sometimes like having your skin peeled off (yikes!). But not always; sometimes you just see through a habit and it drops away easily. Being more connected to your authenticity is like coming home in a deep way.
So what gets in the way of you being the authentic you in your relationship? Well, lots of things could get in the way, but let's start with your unconscious. Unconscious limiting beliefs often influence your perception of things and prevent you from asking for what you need.
Here are the most basic forms of limiting beliefs around being yourself in relationship:
- Being myself hurts you so I have to do what you want to stay in relationship. This is the way it is and I just have to endure it and give up my autonomy.
- I'm not good enough as I am. I have to continuously secure your love by being super productive, dramatic, or sexy.
- It's not safe to be me. You will tell me I'm doing it wrong and that's dangerous.
- I can only rely on myself. If I share my needs, you won't meet them, so why bother.
- If I share who I am, I will be used.
- If I am helpless and endearing, you will be motivated to meet my needs. If I stand in my power and competence, you'll abandon me.
As you read each of the limiting beliefs above notice if there is any sense of familiarity or resonance with particular ones. The fact that you intellectually don't agree with any these doesn't affect their unconscious operation. Habit takes care of that.
The next part is catching these beliefs in action. Where are they showing up? What are the clues that they are operating? Here are some tell tale signs that these beliefs are in operation:
- Feelings of resentment
- Wishing your partner would stay at work later.
- A feeling of deflation or numbness after making a decision or agreement
- Keeping a scorecard, e.g., "I did this with you so you should do this with me."
- A sudden feeling of dislike or hate for your partner
- Anger bursts that seem to come from nowhere
- Asking for alone time more than you ask for connection time
Once you start noticing these beliefs in action, the next step is to bring them out into the open. For example, you notice you don't really want to go with your partner for dinner with her parents on Friday. You feel a tension rise and hear yourself say yes anyway. Now is the time for transparency with your partner. You might say something like,
"I hear myself saying yes to your request and I notice all this tension. A scared voice is telling me that if I don't say yes, I am risking our relationship. I don't want to make decisions from that place. I'm wondering if you could help me find a way I could meet my need for down time on Friday and still meet the need for family?"
Immediately taking responsibility by making a concrete do-able request is the key. Just sharing the limiting belief doesn't provide a new way forward and may lead to trouble. A jackal party could ensue in which your partner hears criticism or imagines she has to be your therapist or somehow fix the situation.
Take a moment now to reflect on the last week with your partner. Follow the three steps above (1. Notice clues that a limiting belief may be operating. 2. Identify the belief. 3. Bring the belief into the open and make a specific do-able request.) to become aware of and intervene with beliefs and actions that keep you from being yourself in your relationship.
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17 Responses
i've been in a relationship for almost 2 years now with the same person. we have great communication, we do fight, but always work it out instead of just leaving and giving up. we have lots of great times together, lots of fun. but there are things that hurt my boyfriend that i can't do when im around him. as for me, i'm a very outgoing individual, and i'm very outgoing around him because so is he. but he realizes that when i'm with my friends i'm crazy, always dancing funny, dancing period. and when i'm with him i'm having fun but i can't dance or be crazy around him. we have fun together in other ways but when it comes to that he says it hurts him because i can't be entire self and fully comfortable around him. i love him and i know he loves me is there anything i can do or attempt to do to fix this?
Well, I would encourage you to start by reflecting on what keeps you from expressing in certain ways with him. Once you can name that for yourself, you can bring that to him for dialogue. For example, maybe you have seen him turn away from you in the past and so imagine that he judges you in some way. Finding the specific observations and the interpretations you made of them can help unravel the mystery around this. Once these are in the open you can both identify needs and requests.
I have a weird problem. I'm in a relationship with a guy who's been my best friend for a long time. When the relationship started out, it was perfect. I felt completely at ease, and was totally myself. But it feels like the longer we're together, the less myself I am. He's just like me, and we're a great pair, so I don't understand why I feel like I can't be me..? We get along great when I AM me. It's just harder to be me all the sudden. Could it be because we don't get alot of hang out time? Is it HIM changing, and I'm just misreading? Help? D:>
Dear Faith,
Intimate relationships trigger in us any limiting experiences and conditioning we experienced in our very first intimate relationship - the one with our parents. After the honeymoon phase of a relationship, these initial experiences get projected onto the current relationship. This is meant to provide an opportunity to re-create limiting experiences so that this time they can be handled in a different way so healing and wholeness is established.
Feeling like it's all of the sudden harder to be you, is likely this process starting itself up. Of course, your partner's own unconscious stuff from the past is also likely starting up. Often we get together with folks who have habits that trigger our own habits and unless there is conscious work this creates a negative cycle.
The best thing you can do is bring mindfulness to your interactions with him and pause as often as possible to intervene with your own habit energy. Stay tuned for more on this in a future connection gem.
Let me know if this helps.
Hi, I have been in a relationship for 18 months now. It came only 4 months after a pretty horrific break-up with the guy I was with before who I was engaged to. I knew it was too soon as I was with this other guy for over 4 years but my current partner was understanding of the effects it had on me and he was an amazing man so I gave it a go. I moved in with him within 6 months and was engaged within a year. In my heart I knew at the time that I wasn't 100% sure but went a long with it. I've moved away from family and just slotted in to his life. I began to have anxiety attacks a few months ago, blamed myself and started to argue with him all of the time. He has a very important job that is unchangable where I work in media so never know from one month to the next what I'm doing. But I love my job. I have, today moved out, we agreed that space would be good so we can stop going over the same thing. I love him and there is something very special there but as soon as we started to plan a wedding I just knew I couldn't go through with it. I don't think I have ever truly been myself around him and I feel like I've lost my way. He has a very high flying middle class group of friends whereas I'm a hard working working-class girl who's dome well for herself but seems to have lost all confidence. I'm hoping that this 'break' will help me find myself but I also feel very lost and not quite sure what I'm doing. Any though /help or advice would be very soothing to me right now.
I guess the first thing that occurs to me is a sense of celebration and relief that you had the courage and awareness to take some space before launching into marriage. Sounds like you are doing your best to be true to yourself. Taking space is only helpful if one or both parties are able to do self-reflection and transformation. It sounds like you are ready to do this.
I would encourage you to find yourself by starting very simply. Maybe just taking a whole day with no plans and mindfully noticing moment by moment what would be most wholesome for you. Slowing down and getting mindful about little decisions as you go through the day allows your authentic self to come forward and choose rather than choosing out of habit or reactivity.
Your article was really helpful. I'm in my 3rd year of marriage. I'm starting to feel unhappy since I can't show my true self to my husband. The first two bullet points in limiting belief are the exact thoughts I have. At first I tried to be patient at things he does that I dislike such as his love for drinking. I even change my thoughts at some aspects of our life and try to cater to his way of thinking things just to settle our differences. I did that all because I love him and I want to avoid arguments whenever possible. But sometimes my patience snaps and everytime I try to show my true self and tell him my true feelings such as voicing out my disagreement in some things, he becomes unhappy with me. He's telling me that I've changed and that I'm a hypocrite, that my patience and kindness was all just an act. His words would really hurt me. It also hurts me that he can't figure out for himself who I really am and he could not appreciate the fact that I am trying my best to please him. He only sees in me the qualities he likes and does not embrace the qualities he don't like. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I want to live away from him because I feel so tired already but I love him too much that I can't bear to be apart. Do you have any suggestions for me? He's the type of person who always want to get what he wants, wants to hear what he only wants to hear, if me or his mom disagrees with him he wouldn't listen and would feel bad (very much like a spoiled kid although he's not like that with regards to work or responsibilities) so please tell me what's the best approach if we are going to talk about this. Thank you.
Dear Katie,
I don't have a simple answer hear. The dynamic you are describing sounds like co-dependence. I wonder if you have read the book "Co-dependent no more"?
I don't have a full understanding of the word codependent so I searched it up. It turns out to be that you were spot on. I was not aware that I was a codependent person at all. I thought I just had some anxiety and depression problems but this seems to be the root of it. To be honest, ever since I was a kid I always have this strong need for love and approval although I couldn't remember why is it so. My thoughts is that even if just one person loves me truly and wouldn't leave me, I wouldn't mind if others would turn their backs on me. So I guess I was desperately hanging on to my husband and I have been forcing myself hard to please him so that I can make him stay in love with me. Maybe I am uncertain about his feelings for me, or maybe I have been thinking all along that I am an unlovable person. But really, thank you for replying and giving me your thoughts. You have been such a great help. At least now I have a clue how to get through this and change myself.
Dear Katie,
I appreciate your courage in facing this difficult situation and being willing to seek help.
I am glad I can be a contribution.
I love this article. Thanks for sharing it...I identify with some of the points you pointed out.
However, what I did wrong was I lied to my boyfriend. We started out with a very sexual relationship online, in which I lied about who I was, and I was overly silly and having fun. There was no pretenses, I said what I thought and I was spontaneous, fun, and held nothing back (except my identity I guess).
He became angry at me that I would not meet me or do what I promised. I was just being silly online and never meant to hurt him. I finally confessed, we met, and he still thought I was the girl online. I was, but I was also dishonest.
Flash forward to now...in order to make him trust me again, I completely cut off my fun-ness, my spontaneity, my sense of humor to please him. Because I was dishonest, I started being more genuine, more cooperative, more submissive....and now he is my boyfriend but I think hes confused, he hated how I treated him and hasnt quite forgiven me but I am trying to change. But I could tell he liked that I was funny and sexy online, but I am not that no more.
But the thing is, as am I killing my sense of humor, my intensity, 'myself' I am becoming boring, tired, etc....and he is losing interest. There is more complicated things as well, but the thing is...in order to gain back his trust, I have lost myself.
I resent that I cant be 'fun' anymore. I resent that I cant say bold, funny remarks, or be sarcastic, or be whatever, because I fear it will hurt him or whatnot. Nevertheless he never shies away from whatever he has to say. he would cuss and say his opinion, however negative it is. I feel like it is unfair and I am a prisoner. I take responsibility for what I did....but I am slowly trying not to see him anymore.
I havent seen him in weeks because I want to forgive him for hurting me (other issues) and also because Im sick of pretending around him. I am not happy.
I have recently lost a relationship through this problem. I got together with a man who thought I was wonderful and had high hopes for spending a life with me. His father had passed away not long before, so he was in quite a sad place. But his hopes for us were deeply moving, and I thought he was an incredible person.
Unfortunately I quickly fell into the second point in this article, a feeling that I couldn't possibly be good enough for this person's love. He was very careful with his feelings, and despite committing to me, spent over a year before declaring his love. I often found him not as warm and affectionate as I would have liked- part of this I'm sure was simply grief. however, I put this person on a pedestal, and blamed myself when he didn't love me in the way I wanted. We broke up six months ago, after many fights where he accused me of not being myself, not saying what I wanted. He told me that he had trouble 'seeing' me for who I was.
I'm now in a situation of self blame. I often think that if I had been stronger, more secure, that I would still be in this relationship with this person, a relationship I wanted more than any other. I think wanting it to work so much made me anxious and made it difficult to relax. Sometimes I think my partner could have done more to make me feel accepted and at ease, but I feel that most of the problem lies with me. He is now seeing other people, which he says feels more relxed, as there was always a tension between us. He says he hopes I am doing the same, so I realize this. But I'm terrified of getting in another relationship and making the same mistake. I also still love him terribly, and am filled with regret.
Dear Sarah,
I am not so keen on your ex's recommendation that you should be dating too.
It sounds like you need time to heal and come back fully into your authenticity, self-compassion, and celebration of you.
A good place to start is allowing yourself to feel the hurt that is there without any story around it, just sitting still feeling the heartache and nothing else.
Another step could include identifying some decisions you made in the relationship and naming the the feelings and needs that were alive for you at the time. Then identifying what you would do differently to meet your needs in a future relationship.
I hope this is helpful. I am hearing this is a very painful time.
Thank you for the article. I identified with "I can only rely on myself. If I share my needs, you won't meet them, so why bother." I don't feel as if my boyfriend of 2 years is capable of having deep, philosophical conversations. I am a relatively intelligent, opinionated, non-religious person, and he is a stubborn, catholic raised man that refuses to think about religion in any way that differs from his moms teachings. That's one thing-- but this stubborn refusal to "think" about any of life's mysteries or human eccentricities persists in his personality. This leads us to have almost nothing to talk about except our daily lives... Boring! So I feel I have to satisfy my need for witty, fun, intriguing conversations with other people. This then leads to me resenting him for his inability to conversate, and the feeling of "I can't be myself with you!" comes raging about in my head. We also have other problems such as him not satisfying my sensual needs that are actually quite related. I fear we are just too different to be together as I seem to always be unhappy with him, but he is the most wonderful man I've ever been with. Leaving him would almost be stupid. I know my family agrees. Please, any input would be helpful with my distress.
Dear Stephanie,
Lasting relationships don't depend on how much two people have in common as much as HOW those two people come together around similarities and differences. Healthy coming together means being able to open heartedly accept a difference, to truly let go of thinking how he should be different (of course I am talking about personality preferences not issues of abuse or neglect or addictive behavior) and accept who he is. And then highlighting, celebrating, and gettting clear about the ways you bond, enjoy each other, and come together and making those things a priority. In this container of acceptance and celebration, both people can find the courage to stretch past their habits, way of thinking and experiencing life and transform - not because there is criticism from outside, but rather because there is support from outside.
Of course for any relationship to be sustainable there has to be some core ways you come together and create a bond.
Does this help?
Hi I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half. We broke up after 1 year and we got back together about 5 months ago. The first time we broke up was due to me dealin with constant anxiety and depression because of how his big loud personality was a loud to handle. He was very chill ad real around me but around my friends an family he continues to be loud and obnoxious and take complete control of the conversations. It so annoying because the topics he chooses I usually have no interest in and are full of sarcasm. I am usually the person to make my family laugh and it sucks to feel like my boyfriend is taking my role. We have been doing long distance for a few months now but he recently came to visit. I forgot how yucky I feel with him around people a I have to consciously tell myself not to get angry. It's so annoying cuz I love him so much and I feel the most at peace knowing he's the man for me. We have such a good relationship besides this. Am I just being over dramatic and overanalyzing it? It's really bothering me and I'm super depressed not knowing why I feel the way I do. Help please
Dear Teresa,
It's okay to ask for mutuality and consideration in situations with your friends and family. Maybe it would sounds something like this:
"As I think about visiting our friends tonight and I imagine not having equal participation, I feel a sense of dread because I want to have equal time to talk. Would you be willing to pause and shift to listening if you notice you have been talking for 5 minutes or more?"
You might get this jackal response: "Oh my god, so I can't just be myself and have fun. You have to orchestrate everything!"
You: "What I am wanting you to hear is that I am asking you to consider my enjoyment along with your own and part of that enjoyment being thoughtful about equal participation. Is that something you are willing to be conscious of tonight?"
Let me know if this helps.