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Greeting your partner at the door

Research about couples shows that couples with a sense of a secure bond experience arguments that are shorter in duration, lower in intensity, and easier to recover from.  You might be saying, "well, duh" that seems obvious.  That's true and, as is often the case, something being simple doesn't necessarily make it easy.

Maintaining a secure bond with your partner requires mindful intention and consistent action.  This is not so easy in a world that is colluding to keep you distracted and sleepwalking through your life.  For example, you might find yourself sitting at your computer engrossed in answering emails for work as your partner gets home for the evening.  If the emails have become your world, you have fallen into a trance that insists those emails must be answered right now.  In this trance state, the simple act of stopping what you are doing to get up and greet your partner feels equivalent to moving a mountain.

The opposite of living in a trance is acting from conscious intention in accord with the universal needs up in any given moment.  Noticing what is true in one moment requires letting go of what was happening in the last moment.  This is called wieldiness of mind.  It means that when you arrive home or your partner gets home, you can drop the stuff of the work day, and give your full attention to connecting.

In the big picture this wieldiness of mind allows you to have consistent present moment intention to connect and  to respond to needs.  This creates a sense of security in any relationship.

In the smaller picture of daily life with your partner, simple acts of presence go a long way.  Dropping whatever was happening the moment before to greet your partner at the door with total presence and affection is one of the most powerful ways to deepen a secure bond with your partner.  This simple act tells your partner that he or she and your relationship is a priority in your life.  It also carves out a consistent space for your love for each other to be felt and expressed without rushing to the next thing and being pulled away by distractions.

Other simple ways to maintain a secure bond include silent eye gazing, cuddling and allowing long pauses in the conversation,  listening to your partner longer than you usually do allowing him or her to reveal deeper layers of an experience, and exchanging daily appreciations and expressions of love and delight in each other.


This week, each time you are coming back together with your partner, practice giving her or him your full attention and affection in a spacious greeting.

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